today while walking i had this overwhelming serge of positive energy come over me. all of a sudden i had the sense that i could beat this disease and that i could make college a good experience. i realized that the past year has been so life-changing for me. i've learned more about myself this past year than i think i ever have. i finally realized that if i truly want something for myself, than i need to MAKE it happen, not just wait around and think that someone will give it to me or that some god in heaven will do it for me. if i don't want this ed anymore than its my choice to get rid of it. no matter how many counselors, nutritionists or treatment centers i go to i'm never going to get better unless i wholeheartedly want it. when i look at my friends that struggle with eds i can see this clearly. one girl in particular has been in and out of probably ten facilities and yet still doesn't eat and is still in the same or even worse danger than before. i sued to wonder how this could be, but then realized that there's still something inside her, her true voice that wants it. she doesn't truly want to give up the anorexia even if she says that she hates it. i mean it's like any addiction really, if you can't tell yourself that you truly want to give it up than you wont no matter how much help you get. you must be in a state of mental readiness to give it up. you must want it for yourself, your life, your family, more than anything else because if you don't than it'll always be with you.
things about college i realized were that if i continually picture it in my head as being bad or anxious than 10 times out of 10 it's going to be just that. if i continually think that, oh the classes are going to be hard and the teachers could suck and the kids are going to be loud and what if i can't make friends, no ones going to like me and so on, than that's what going to happen. i have to picture myself as i want to be instead of looking at all the negatives. yes, there's no doubt that things are going to be hard but if i can figure out a way to make them better or at least my reaction to them more positive than i think my time at college would be a lot more enjoyable. one thing that ben said to me last year that will always stick with me is that if there is some way i could find interest in my classes then things would be that much better. if i could go to classes thinking about all the wonderful things i am learning and try to take everything in that i can and really be immersed in the information than wouldn't that be awesome! how can i do this?
i also was reflecting on the fact that throughout my whole life almost, i have always gotten what i wanted. with enough persuasion or explaining why it would be best i have changed schools six times, gotten myself out of counseling, done what i wanted, etc. as much as i respect my mom for really taking the time to listen to me and trying to do what was best for me, i feel like i needed that one person in my life that didn't take my crap and just told me what to do. what would have happened if, when i begged to do homeschooling instead of seventh grade or go back to online classes instead of finished out another year in boarding school, they just straight out told me 'no' and that was that? what would have happened if i just had to 'tough' it out and push through? i either would have broken down and been miserable or i would have eventually said 'okay, i have to be here, so how can i get through this?' i feel like, with college and jobs and so on coming up soon, i have to be the one to not just realize this but take the responsibility to change this and to be that person that tells myself 'no, you have to push through'.