Thursday, May 26, 2011

my nutritionist asked me if i had a goal for gaining weight or not and as bad as i wanted to say no, i had to be honest and tell her that, yeah i guess it'd be a good idea to gain at least three pounds. it was hard for me to say...i think i paused for almost a minute before responding. i had a mini fight with ed in the silence. no tay you don't want to gain. but i know i should. no really you can't afford to gain. but have you seen my arms? anyways, i told her two pounds (an even compromise i would say). it's hard also because i feel happy with where i am now, i feel healthy and energized at this weight but i know i'm still too low and it's not really healthy no matter how much i convince myself it is. i would be stronger, too, if i was higher.

i feel a sense of weakness when i say those terrifying words "i'm hungry" i have just given up everything and caved into my evil hunger pains. it feels like i'm giving into a desire that is "bad" so therefore this makes me a "bad" person. "i need food" sounds so weak, like i'm not strong enough to not need food...yet it's funny because any idiot knows that we all need food to survive.

i don't know why i feel so poopy(it's the perfect word to describe it). it's like seriously better if you were to just stop talking to me...this is basically what i told ben when we walked into the gym. i don't really give a fuck about anything or anyone and i don't feel good about myself whatsoever. i really had no reason for feeling this way, but that doesn't mean (and i'm still working on this) that i am not in titled to feel it. you feel what you feel and sometimes, as much as it sucks, it's just better to let the feeling run its course instead of trying to fight it.

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