Friday, October 28, 2011

i was walking at the mall yesterday night because it was raining and snowing outside and actually learned a few things.

one: people annoy me (okay, so i already knew this one but it just got reaffirmed)

two: there are SO many different body types out there. it's crazy to try to compare yourself to other people because even though someone may be smaller or bigger than you, they may have a smaller frame or a smaller hip width or a bigger rib cage, etc. so when you see that one girl who looks thinner than you just remember that their body shape and frame is different from yours and that you are both unique and beautiful (this is more advice just for myself).

three: why would you ever want to be like a store mannequin? why would you want to look like a straight board? they have no similarities to what an actual women looks like whatsoever. women should have womanly curves because that's what makes you sexy, not being a stick....

so as i walked around the mall observing all these things i repeated to myself: "i love my womanly curves" and "i am a miracle and my body is unique and one of a kind"

it's not easy trying to look at your body in this light, when for as long as you can remember, you saw your body as bad or not as good, but it takes practice and time and it will be so worth it when you can look at yourself one day and really love everything that you are. (again, advice more just to myself)
things that made me happy yesterday:

  1. i actually studied for my math test so i felt good about that.
  2. i listened to some louise hay which helped me.
  3. i laid down for once and relaxed which felt good. 
  4. i felt more comfortable with ben's friends.
  5. brandon, karl, and james all asked me if i wanted anything at the dining hall. thought it was nice.
  6. watched brokeback mountain. 
  7. got made fun of for watching brokeback mountain but it was funny. 
  8. laughed with brandon, karl, rose, and james. 
  9. i laughed until my stomach hurt and i was crying over stupid stuff on the internet with ben. 
  10. i was able to stay up later than ben!
  11. watching the office with karl and ben. 
  12. folding ben's clothes at 1 o'clock in the morning.
  13. taking a shower and liking my hair for once. 
  14. feeling free. 

Thursday, October 27, 2011

i just read something that someone posted on that said "all i want is to be happy, confident an skinny as hell" and i am so angry. partly because this triggers me beyond words and partly because it's so sad that people believe that being skinny as hell is what will make them happy and confident. no matter how skinny you get you're still you. you still have all the thoughts you always had. the only thing that changes is your body and that won't even be a good change because if you are skinny as hell you probably one, look like hell, feel like hell, and on the brink of death. so to whoever posted this quote, you need to rethink your goals...
i believe that people love me conditionally so it's a total shocker to have someone show me that their love is unconditional.
it's a lazy day today i have decided. it's been raining all morning and the weather people say there is a chance of snow. i am feeling very weird. i ate but i feel completely empty throughout my whole body and very weak. my head is heavy and i feel kinda dizzy. laying down seems to be a good thing right now...

Monday, October 24, 2011

things that made me smile/happy/laugh today:

  • each time i found a little surprise that ben left me
  • waking up to ben next to me
  • going for a good walk
  • spending less than last time at the grocery store
  • seeing the same person multiple times at the store (it was getting awkward)
  • watching nick vujicic's video
  • looking at my engagement ring
  • thinking about my wedding and all the details
last friday night ben and i went to the SU football game and before it started they had a former graduate who was in the military say hello over the big screen to his wife and two kids and then he surprised them by running out on the field to hug them. i'm not sure why but i just wanted to ball my eyes out when i saw them reunite. maybe it was because i could sense their happiness when they finally saw their husband and dad again, or maybe it was because i was once in their shoes, although in a very different situation, i had to miss ben for a long while and then finally was reunited with him that i could just imagine what that family must have felt like. it was amazing.

ben showed me this video one day and i couldn't stop watching it. i even put it on my ipod so i could listen to it when i needed some uplifting. i love how he talks about not feeling good enough and how every girl is beautiful. it  feels as though he is talking straight to me. i have watched some of his other videos as well and one things that stuck out to me was his advise on trying to focus on the good things about yourself rather than the bad things. he doesn't have any arms and legs but he said he started to focus on his eyes which he liked and that helped him. i decided to try this and i really like my hands and wrists so i'm trying to focus on these good things instead of the things i don't like so much. it's not really the easiest things to do because for some reason the negatives invade the positives but maybe overtime it will get easier...

Sunday, October 23, 2011

check this out: It's eye opening!
yesterday i was doing some research into photoshopping and i read that 99.9% of photos in just one magazine are photoshopped. is that just crazy or what? what is our world coming to? sad.
i find it both funny and frustrating that no matter where i go there is always that one person who has to comment on how little i speak and when i do talk, it's noticed and commented on. i hate this so much, but there has to be some reason for it. i had it at elementary school, middle school, high school, and now college. what is the lesson i am supposed to learn from these annoying people?

Thursday, October 20, 2011

i have been seeing a counselor at the school's wellness center and it's surprising to me how beneficial it has been. i haven't typically had good luck with going to therapy but there's something different about this. i really like the counselor. she's really nice and easy to talk with. but i think the biggest thing that is different is the fact that i am able to be open and honest with myself and therefore i can be open and honest with her. this, i believe, is what is most needed from the patient because if you are not willing to be honest and willing to admit the things you are doing (even though it may feel sucky) then you will never get anywhere. the times i went to therapy before, i wasn't ready to be honest with them because i hadn't yet been honest with myself. i was denying things i was doing and didn't want someone else to judge me on what i did or didn't do or what i was thinking. i have come a long way i think :)
it's amazing how much a simple walk in the fresh air can help me. i was feeling overwhelmingly sad this afternoon and when i decided to take a walk i started to feel a lot better. i think it's mainly because i can walk and talk opening about everything and anything without any judgement or thinking that someone is listening. i can be honest and say whatever i need to and not need to have someone approve of me and my thoughts. no one is there to laugh at me or question what i'm thinking. it's pretty sweet. i felt a lot happier after i walked for a while. it's good therapy. and cheap!
reasons to recover: from and some of my own too!

1) so that you can believe them when they say "i love you"
2) because guilt will kill you
3) to experience real laughter
4) because there is more to life than how much you weigh
5) so you can have beautiful children and a family
6) so you can stop blaming and lying
7) so you can stop the competition
8) to realize how beautiful you are when you stop trying to be perfect
9) so you can see how wonderful life can be
10) because you owe it to yourself
11) to realize that being happy doesn't have anything to do with your body size
12) so you can do the things you said you would always do
13) so you can finally believe in yourself
14) because people who love you want to see you happy and confident
15) so that people will trust you again
16) because negative attention sucks
17) because being sad sucks
18) so you can have energy again
19) to be proud of yourself
20) to not feel like you are always in a fog
21) so you can focus again
22) because you deserve it
23) to do the things you once could
24) to stop hurting the ones who love you by hurting yourself
25) so you can look forward to another day instead of dreading it
26) to know that there is more to life than wanting to sleep
27) to free yourself
28) to believe him when he calls you beautiful
29) to finally realize that people will love you for you are are, regardless of your weight
30) because your scars shouldn't define your future
31) so that family gatherings are not painful
32) so that holidays can be joyful
33) to be able to have fun again
34) to stop pushing people away
35) to finally feel like you should live as opposed to thinking you shouldn't
36) to realize the world is not going to end if something doesn't go the way you planned
37) to have control over ed and not the other way around
38) so you don't have to lie awake wondering if you will wake up in the morning
39) because you deserve to nourish yourself without feeling guilty or bad for doing so
40) for the people who said they'd never give up on you
41.) so you don't have fake being happy
42) because you are worth it
43) so that counting calories is not the only thing that runs through your head
44) so you can wear short sleeves in the summer
45) so you can be proud of your body
46) so you can accept compliments
47) because hating yourself is a waste of time
48) because going to the beach is supposed to be fun
49) to break free from the scale
50) because anxiety over what you ate is pointless
51) to be able to go to the grocery store and not worry about if people are judging you by what's in your cart
52) because hurting yourself and starving yourself will not suddenly make you a better person
53) so you can let go of needing to be better than others
54) because reaching perfection is impossible
55) so you never have to watch your lover cry because they think you are going to die
56) because you are beautiful 
57) so you can look in the mirror without picking every single inch of your appearance
58) so you can trust yourself and your body
59) so you can have control over your thoughts
60) to be able to see the positives instead of the negatives
61) so you can be yourself
62) so that you can enjoy your birthday for once
63) because food is meant to be enjoyed
64) so you don't have to lie to yourself anymore
65) being able to realize how much people actually care about you
66) so you can feel like life is worth living
67) because hospital visits suck
68) to feel happy in your own body
69) so you don't have to rely on others for your happiness
70) so you can finally live

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

my body is amazing.

i will let this sink in for a while...
single rooms are amazing and they save lives.
long time no write. i haven't had the motivation lately. this seems to be the pattern for a lot of things. i can't seem to find the motivation to write, draw, do schoolwork, etc. i have, however found the motivation to continue doing the work of byron katie which i talked about in my last post. i signed up for the work online which has been very convenient. it's been really helpful, especially with ben and school related things. i read a quote the other day by byron katie that said "all sadness is a tantrum" and at first i didn't believe it, but after days of pondering about it i have come to see how it is true. sadness is something you do when things don't go your way or something happened that you didn't like. most of the time anyways. it's like getting sad over not being able to go some where that you really wanted to go. it's a tantrum. why? because you're upset over something that didn't happen the way you wanted it to. you are sad and upset at reality. it's kinda confusing at first to understand the work of byron katie, as some ideas are hard to grasp, but as you continue to do it and as long as you have a completely open mind and are able to be honest with yourself, it can be a very life changing experience.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

this weekend i was lucky enough to go to kripalu for a byron katie workshop so i have been here since friday night and have been reflecting on what was being said and what i have been experiencing while thinking about my life and the thoughts in my head. the biggest thing that i think i have learned so far has been the simple fact that people have the same feelings, thoughts as i do. i have been told this more times than i can count but i never believed it because i never saw it. i always saw people as happy and with no problems or their problems weren't as bad as mine. however, this weekend has really opened my eyes up to the fact that everyone has something. everyone has some issue, some problem, something that they are working on or that is hard for them or that is making them miserable. i didn't really get this until today within the last hour or so of the program when a lady stood up and did the work with katie who had an addiction to opium. at first i was thinking 'oh we have nothing in common because shes addicted to opium and i am clearly not' but then when she got into the work and started really looking at her life and what her thoughts were saying i found her to be exactly like me in terms of our thoughts. she talked about how she always felt judged and would impose ideas and words onto the people around her because she thought they were judging her. she interpreted her parents saying a simple 'good morning' as 'you should have been up earlier'. i do this all the time with everything and everyone. ben does something or doesn't do something so i internalize it as 'he doesn't care' or 'he thinks this or that about me' when in reality he never even said anything! it's crazy what we do when we believe our thoughts!!
the other thing that was amazing to me was how this lady had an image in her mind of what she thought was a healthy her, someone who she wanted and strived to be. she said she pictured this imaginary lady as thin and happy and beautiful and basically 'superwomen', but in fact this image wasn't even real! she was striving to be someone who didn't even exist. she was comparing herself constantly to someone who was imaginary, who was a nothing. i do this in my head as well. i see a strong, beautiful, thin women who is laughing and happy and outgoing and has everything together and everyone loves her. but this women is a nothing. she doesn't exist. she's my imagination and i will always fall short when comparing myself to her because she's not real. one thing that katie said that was so very true was the fact that even if we were able to get to be somewhat like this image in our heads, in my case, say i got to the weight i saw her as, okay so now you would think i would be happy because i was now equal in weight with this imaginary women but no, i would have another image in my head of a women who i would compare myself to and it would be a vicious cycle over and over again. it's just plain craziness!
so i have learned a lot just in two days but i am still learning and still trying to look inside to become myself again.