Thursday, November 29, 2012

{the truth about anorexia}

I recently read something about people's views on anorexia, saying how someone with this illness just wants to be thin. This thus got me thinking and newsflash! everything gets me thinking. 

Seriously, though, I have been pondering this for the past couple of days, trying to figure out if this was true for me or not. Do on-lookers really have it right? Do anorexics stop eating because they want to be thin? 

Of course not! It's a facade, a cover-up. The real issues behind why someone becomes anorexic are so much more complicated and diverse. 

In terms of my story, when I first found out that I was anorexic, I couldn't wrap my mind around the why? My mom would constantly ask me "why do you think you have this issue?" and my answer would revolve around the fact that I just wanted to be skinny. Of course, now, as I look back I can see exactly why I developed the illness and it had nothing to do with being thin. 

I remember the day I started my mission to lose weight. I unconsciously thought that if I was skinnier, then I wouldn't have to move on. I could stay little and people would still like me. In this beginning stage of my anorexia, I hid the fact that I just really didn't want to grow up, by trying to be thin

As I began my treatment and therapy, I started to realize there were a multitude of issues that I was hiding behind my facade. I needed to stay small so people would love me, so my dad would be proud of me, so he would remember that I was still here. I needed my mom to support me, my friends to not leave me, for people to accept me. And yet, thinking about it all now, the only thing that I was trying to hide was the fact that I needed love and acceptance from myself. 

When I relapsed in 2010, I did so because I felt forgotten, lost, unloved. I needed people's approval and their support. What I really needed was my own support, my own approval. 

And that's why I can say that the main issue within any anorexic case is the need for self-love. I'm confident that this is what it all boils down to in the end. You can starve yourself for what you think it's for, acceptance from others, attention, love, etc. But really you starve yourself because you don't believe you're worthy and you have no self-love for yourself. 

I know this is true because once I started really focusing on trying to love myself and accept who I was, I found freedom. I no longer needed the outward approval of the ones around me because I already approved of myself, which was the most important thing. 

There have been a lot of lessons I've learned over the past nine years through my struggles, but the biggest thing I had to learn was to love myself and be okay with whatever I was. If I'm weird, then let me be weird. If I'm shy and quiet, then so be it. If I love being alone, then let me be alone. 

And it's not like I'm "cured" or anything, I mean all kinds of people deal with this stuff, even those without anorexia, because it's normal. I still have my days where I seem to forget what I'm fighting for, but I always pick myself back up and start again. 

I am now thankful for all of this because I truly believe that if it wasn't for the anorexia and all of the struggles I had to go through, I wouldn't even be close to where I am now, physically, and most importantly mentally and spiritually. 

So, when people say that anorexia is a disease of thinness, I disagree. Anorexia is a disease of self-love, of acceptance, approval, love, life, of freedom. 

Learn to love yourself. 

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

{how he saved me}

I was reflecting yesterday and realized something huge. I'm pretty sure it's what has allowed me to progress so much in my recovery.

I realized that Ben cured me.

Well, kind of.

It started a while ago, I would be explaining to him that I just ate "way too" much food and thus I would automatically wind up being fat in the morning, and he would just laugh and say that that's impossible. He would argue with me, tell me that my thoughts were crazy, and that they would never happen. 

This went on for some time. I would constantly be complaining about how my body looked and how I overate and would thus become fat instantly and he would dispel my thoughts by laughing and challenging me.

At first, I would get mad and try to challenge him back "You're lying. I am totally going to gain 10 pounds overnight. You'll see." But after a while, I began to see how crazy and irrational my thoughts were and I would start to laugh at myself. Of course nobody gains weight overnight, just by eating 200 or whatever calories more than they were "allowed". 
No, it just doesn't work like that.

Ed still didn't want me to believe that he was wrong so the feelings were still there. But after some time of seeing my thoughts as completely irrational, I began to let them go more and more. 

I guess I thought of this because the other night I was eating and afterwards, I immediately began to tell Ben about how fat I'd be in the morning and then I caught myself, and began saying the same thing over but this time I said it  as if I was making fun of myself for thinking this way. 

"Yep, I just ate a lot and now I'm gonna be so huge tomorrow because that can totally happen! Haha."

I no longer needed Ben to do it for me, rather I could make fun of my own thoughts by realizing just how crazy they sounded. 

It's funny to think back and see all of my previous Ed thoughts that were so wacked that I find myself laughing and wondering how I actually thought those were true. But then I remember just how manipulative Ed can be and how enticing his promises were. 

It's hard to disagree with someone who promises you control and worthiness. 

"Oh Tay, if you don't have that extra calorie, you'll have total control and be so loved."

"Haha Ed, you will never have that kind of power over me. EVER. I know everything you say is a lie, so why don't you just stop trying. I'm done falling for your evil tricks."

I still have says where I find myself enticed by Ed's "deals", but the difference now is that I can recognize them and disobey them. 

I really think that Ben helped though, because without him there to make me see how absurd my thoughts were, I wouldn't be able to see them and I wouldn't be able to change them. 

Thanks Love. 

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Becoming Who You Are (e-book)

I know I haven't posted in a while. To be honest I really just couldn't find anything to talk about. I even started some new posts but after I got into it, I realized nothing I was writing made sense, so I stopped.

I did, however write an e-book and want to share it with you guys. It's called Becoming Who You Are: Inspirational Quotes on Self-Love and Recovery. If you're interested, it's basically just a collection of my favorite inspirational quotes and thoughts about recovery and self-love. It's free and you can download a copy of it here.

Let me know your thoughts if you look at it.


Monday, November 5, 2012

{surviving a fat day}

fat days. we've all had them. those days when we feel like a big whale and everything is horrible. you know what i'm talking about. it's been said again and again that "fat is not a feeling" but i beg to differ. it's totally a feeling. 

yesterday was a full out "fat day" for me and even though it sucked, i rocked it. it's funny to think back and remember what i used to do when i had these days. i only experience them once a month or so and i'm come to appreciate them. gasp, i know. 

so how do you actually rock a fat day? 

1. know it won't last. this is key. if you sit and dwell on how fat and disgusting you feel, then you'll never escape. you have to remember that feelings don't last and that by tomorrow you'll be feeling better. this is what i say to myself, "tay, you're having one of those days and it's'll be over tomorrow so just relax."

2. do something. something other than sitting around and watching tv because you feel sorry for yourself. get up and walk or do yoga or go to the gym. get outside and breathe. it'll get you thinking more positive thoughts and help you appreciate your surroundings.

3. wear comfortable clothes. sweatpants, long sleeves, shorts, etc. if you don't have to go anywhere, don't bother getting into your jeans that you know will just make things worse. put on your most comfortable clothes and be okay with it. 

4. take a shower. this always helps me. turn on the hot water and just stand under it until you feel better. once you're clean, it's amazing how much different you feel. 

5. eat real food. sometimes when i'm having these days, all i feel like doing is laying down and eating shitty food, but seriously don't do it. it won't help you at all. make it a point to eat real food...make a healthy meal and actually enjoy it or try a new recipe. good food makes all the difference. 

i hope you have good fat days! 

don't forget music, that will always make any day better<3