Tuesday, May 31, 2011

i had ice cream today. well okay it wasn't the real kind. i attended a family thing with ben and afterwards they all decided to go out for ice cream. it was rather hot and i didn't want to appear "weird" or "crazy" for not having something so i got this stuff called only8. it's a frozen yogurt with no fat, low sugar, low carb, etc. i got it because i thought it was an in between of ice cream or nothing and it didn't make me terribly anxious so yeah. i tried not to panic about eating it. i ate it rather fast for two reasons: one because it was melting all down the cone and two because i just wanted to get it over with. i felt okay right after i finished but later in the day i felt guilty. i give myself props for actually getting it though because a year ago i would never ever in a million years even thought about getting ice cream. ever. so congrats to me.
i have always wondered weather people notice their body fat. do they feel it when they sit down or bend over? i find this to be mind boggling because when i was in treatment every day i could feel more fat on my body, i felt it when i did yoga and bent to the side, i felt tight and constricted. i felt my thighs sticking together and my arms touching my sides. it was uncomfortable to say the least, but it has always kept me wondering what it's like for other people with or without eating issues. do the feelings become normal and forgotten over time or are the just dealt with? hm.
i've realized this a long time ago but just recently thought more about it. whenever i get really angry or depressed i whisper to myself (more as a plea) that i want to go home, even if i am already at home. i think it's a way to try to get away from the feeling. like if i keep wishing i was home i won't have to deal with this. or maybe home is somewhere else completely; maybe i think of home as a place of peace and therefore wish for peace while in the midst of hard emotions. i don't know but i found it to be an interesting thing.

i read the other day how chocolate can make you happy because it stimulates endorphin  production which can give you feelings of pleasure and that it can sometimes act like an anti-depressant because of the serotonin. i found this to be very entertaining because i have never felt pleasurable, happy, or not depressed after eating chocolate. i have always felt guilty, regretful and depressed afterwards. i'm not sure if this is just me, or do other people feel the same way? or maybe there's something's just wrong with me.
i've always had an odd fascination with scars and cuts. i guess i like the way they make you look tough and although i'm not a big fan of the actual pain of getting them, i love having cuts or scars. i'm pretty interesting.

the beach is nice today. i found this secret beach here and laid out in the sun for a little while. i see people across the lake on the main beach. i wonder if they can see me over here. i should wave or something. maybe not.

i watched a video on youtube today while waiting for ben to get home about this lady who weighed 66 pounds. she was on some talk show and she looked absolutely atrocious. her legs were toothpicks, her stomach and face, clearly emancipated and her arms were literally just bones.  i felt an odd sense of motivation after watching her and hearing her talk about how she thought she was fat. not motivation to continue to be like her as ed wishes, but motivation to recovery and be healthy. when i see anorexics like this it really makes me realize how unattractive it is to be that way and just how disgusting it really does look. i wish so much that people (and myself included) who are suffering from this deadly disease could realize just how amazing they truly are and how beautiful they are on the inside and realize that they don't need to starve their precious bodies to near skeletons in order to be accepted. i wish that we could all just accept ourselves and be happy with that because if you accept who we are, others will accept us for who we are as well. i wish we didn't believe the lies ed tells us. we are all so beautiful.
lately, i've been trying to teach myself how to relax and to really take in the world around me. i am so quick to rush through things like walking or looking at scenery that i don't even get to enjoy the beauty of it all. i'm trying to slow myself down and not to rush so much. i think that partially the reason this could be is that i'm impatient...i let ed rule me and he says that i must keep moving, that if i stop and go slow i will gain weight. it's a weird way of looking at it but i think it makes sense. i feel lazy when i'm not moving fast enough. i feel lazy when i hike to the top of a mountain and sit to take a rest...ed is telling me to keep moving, don't sit down for long or you'll get fat, you're lazy if you don't get going. i am working on challenging those voices and allowing myself to relax and calm down.
today has been kinda depressing. i don't feel like i have done anything productive at all. i walk and eat and go on the computer. i had dinner at 2:30pm. i looked up various things about eating and hunger online and felt pretty crappy about myself. what happens is that when there is nothing to do i eat little things (i don't binge or anything like that) but i eat when i know i'm not hungry. i got really down on myself for doing this because i hate when i cave back into old ways. i feel like i failed and thus that makes me a failure. but i know that if i accept these thoughts and continue to feel these feelings and have regrets, i'm not going to get anywhere. there's nothing i can do now so i just need to let the past go and start again. and then i thought, so what? who gives a fuck? so i feel like i ate a ton (which i really didn't), who cares? i'm not going to die and my body needs the energy. i'm not perfect, i'm not supposed to eat perfectly every day, i had formed a habit of eating early without feeling hungry and obviously it's not going to be easy to change that. i'm going to have set backs and mishaps and that's natural. it doesn't make me a failure. it helps me to learn what to do better next time. i refuse to fall victim to these negative ed thoughts. they will not control me.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

i find it funny and quite interesting how some days when i look in the mirror i like my body. i see a beautiful young women (scary word!), i see me and i accept it. but then other days i look in the mirror and i'm horrified. i have to turn away because all i see is grossness. it's also funny to me how one day i all i can see is fat and the next all i can see is skin and bones. i think this is due to the fact that some days i let ed rule (aka the days where i see fat) and other days i let my heart rule (aka the days where i see skin and bones). i guess it's better to be stuck in the middle of the two instead of all ed, but ideally i want all heart.

today i had an appointment with my naturopathic doctor to check in about the supplements she gave me. she thought i seemed and looked happier and more energetic. i think she's right, i do feel more energized and happier but i still feel like some days are better than others, but that's normal right? i still feel anxious and such but i do feel like in certain situations i can control it better. i feel like i have more confidence and more of a backbone than before. so that's good i guess.

i got a sandwich at the health food store after the appointment and i'm already regretting it. i feel gross, like i just binged on an overly enormous amount of food, but that's just ed talking. the sandwich was turkey and cheese with spinach and all good stuff so really my body is thanking me for it and all the nutrients i just fed it. this is what i have to remember, that my body is so thankful when i give it nourishment and that i am not caring for myself if i don't (no matter what ed says!). i had to keep reminding myself that it wasn't going to kill me and that i was still going to wake up tomorrow, and in fact, if i didn't have it, that probably would kill me and if i can't start feeding my body enough then i won't wake up tomorrow for a totally different reason.

there comes a point when gum is just no longer good...that point has come...well doesn't this suck. now what?
i must give up the need to be better than other people. just because someone next to me at the gym can run five miles when i can only run two doesn't mean they're better. it's stupid. it doesn't make you better if i'm skinnier than someone else or if you're hair is shinier, or if you can talk your brains out. first off, i must believe that i am neither above nor beneath anyone, because it's true, we're all equal. yes, we all have different strengths and weaknesses but this is what makes us, US! i must figure out what i love about myself (and it can't be about food, weight or bones) and cling to that strength for my life, because it will save me.

i walked through wal-mart yesterday in a slow and calm state, not worrying about what other people were thinking, not worrying about seeing someone i knew, etc. i just slowed down and calmly got what i needed and left. it wasn't that hard but i did have to constantly remind myself to take a deep breath and walk slower.

i hate the feeling of being sweaty, like in the way that you feel absolutely gross and dirty. i don't mind it if i'm working hard for something, like hiking or the like, but just being sweaty from the heat sucks ass. i think the worst feeling is having your pants stick to your legs and your hair matted to the back of your neck. disgusting.
my nutritionist asked me if i had a goal for gaining weight or not and as bad as i wanted to say no, i had to be honest and tell her that, yeah i guess it'd be a good idea to gain at least three pounds. it was hard for me to say...i think i paused for almost a minute before responding. i had a mini fight with ed in the silence. no tay you don't want to gain. but i know i should. no really you can't afford to gain. but have you seen my arms? anyways, i told her two pounds (an even compromise i would say). it's hard also because i feel happy with where i am now, i feel healthy and energized at this weight but i know i'm still too low and it's not really healthy no matter how much i convince myself it is. i would be stronger, too, if i was higher.

i feel a sense of weakness when i say those terrifying words "i'm hungry"...like i have just given up everything and caved into my evil hunger pains. it feels like i'm giving into a desire that is "bad" so therefore this makes me a "bad" person. "i need food" sounds so weak, like i'm not strong enough to not need food...yet it's funny because any idiot knows that we all need food to survive.

i don't know why i feel so poopy(it's the perfect word to describe it). it's like seriously better if you were to just stop talking to me...this is basically what i told ben when we walked into the gym. i don't really give a fuck about anything or anyone and i don't feel good about myself whatsoever. i really had no reason for feeling this way, but that doesn't mean (and i'm still working on this) that i am not in titled to feel it. you feel what you feel and sometimes, as much as it sucks, it's just better to let the feeling run its course instead of trying to fight it.
more necaps writings:

if i had a dime for every hair that i pulled out of my head or that has fallen out in just the last two hours, i'd surely be rich. i know it. i have to pee. i'm debating weather or not i want to go during the break or now. all the other rooms have break at the same time which means there would be so many people, but i don't want  to be noticed getting up now and going. i think i'll wait 'til break. it's getting harder to sit here though. the chairs are so uncomfortable. they should invest in comfy chairs. just saying.

i always have good advice to give others and yet i can't take that same advice and apply it to myself. is this normal?

twenty minutes left before break. time is moving very slow. yet it seems to be moving very fast too. odd.

DUDE! i can hold a conversation!! i'm so proud of myself. woo.

my list of "to do's" for the remainder of the day:

  • walk dogs in woods
  • dinner during tyra show
  • abs during ellen 
  • run at 5
so far today hasn't been too bad. i think mostly because i don't really know anybody, and the fact that i'm not going to see any of them again. i think it's helped me to focus on knowing that i'm just as good as any person here and i'm no worse. 
I read a post from the psych central blog about what it means to be healthy. the article was written by Margarita Tartakovsky and being healthy to her means:

  • participating in physical activities that make me feel alive and happy and that challenge me
  • listening to my body’s internal cues of hunger and satiety and responding to those cues as best as I can
  • sleeping enough (which I’m terrible at!)
  • eating what I love
  • feeding my body nutrient-rich foods
  • keeping healthy boundaries and being assertive
  • letting my feelings out
  • being honest with myself and others
  • accepting myself in all my glory
  • doing things that are truly fun and relaxing
  • feeling fantastic in my own skin, more often than not
She goes on to say how most people think being healthy is about strict rules and forbidden foods and rigid exercise and so on, when in reality when you have those things, you lose the enjoyment of everyday life. Being healthy is mostly about moderation and loving yourself. 

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

some things that i found interesting while reading nourishing wisdom:

consuming "bad" food has never turned anyone into a bad person nor has eating "good" food made anyone a saint.

if we cannot give the body what it needs, we are unlikely to have any success in caring for the soul.

there is no such thing as a good food or a bad food.

whenever we label a food as "bad", we immediately start to fear it, think about it, fight it, sometimes crave it, and in many cases label anyone who eats this bad food as a bad person.

whenever we avoid anything, a homeostatic mechanism is set off driving us to reunite with it.

many people think that consuming a "forbidden" food is "bad" or the believe that "if i fully gave into my desire for the "bad" food, it would be insatiable. i would eat and eat and never stop." but extreme pleasure often turns into pain.

since we view  particular foods as bad, we consider our desire for those foods bad, which leads to seeing ourselves as bad for having the desire. and if in addition we give into this desire, then we punish ourselves by feeling guilty, or deprive ourselves of the desired food for months.

who is to say what is ultimately best for us to eat or not to eat in a given situation?

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

i have to stop counting calories, thinking about food, start eating, get my weight up, deal with the emotions that go along with that and then try to stop avoiding social stuff, be more open, make friends, be happy, and just live. i think it all comes down to loving myself and knwoing who i am and knowing that that's good enough and that i'm no worse (and for that fact, no better) than anyone else. i need confidence in myself which comes froma deep belief that i'm worthy. worthy of good things , love, laughter, etc. i just don't know where to find that self love or how to...
i'm trying not to be annoyed by this day. i have been running (driving really) back and forth to take care of dogs and picking mom up and so on and i'm trying my best to stay calm and be relaxed. it's all too easy to get upset and freak out over little things. it's just not worth it. sitting down and all this driving is killing me but trying to realize that it's okay and that it's not going to kill me is helping.

i had this odd thought the other day when talking with my mom. she was talking about the start of her relationship with her boyfriend, saying how it seemed so perfect and romantic but now (several months in) it seems dull and confusing. i thought about how this happened to me when i first starting dating ben. it's funny how everything starts out all romantic and charming and then after the third month or so there's not as many of those sweet moments. maybe you got so used to them making you feel so amazing, now that they've stopped, you feel let down in someway, or maybe those moments are still there just like the start but you don't realize them in the same way as you used to. they become regular and something you forget to recognize. or maybe the overly loving actions really have become less frequent because at the beginning of the relationship, they were afraid they'd lose you and now that they feel secure, they don't feel as thought they have to keep up all the over-the-top moments. nothings right or wrong, i'm just rattling.
i've had days where i've thought seriously about cutting myself. it only happens when i'm in one of my deep depressive moods and i feel bad for myself, but i've thought about it. the act of cutting my skin, making myself bleed, it's something i've thought i deserved. i never acted on these thoughts until the other day. i wanted to see if i really could do it and what feelings would come up from doing it. i took an x-acto blade and tried to run it across my stomach, but i couldn't. i couldn't do it. there was too much pain. at first i felt weak that i couldn't take it but then i had to hit myself and realize that this was stupid.

tonight was a pretty night...my favorite time is when the trees make a silhouette against the light sky. the sun going down is bright  behind the dark mountains making everything sparkle. sometimes i fail to realize just how lucky i am to live in this beautiful place.

jealousy sucks.
it's hard because on one hand when i challenge the ed i feel like i'm giving up. i'm giving up fighting, i'm giving up everything and i'm falling. but on the other, more realistic hand, when i follow ed's orders and do what he tells me to, that's when i truly give up. i give up everything good in my life, my dreams, my hopes of children, love, laughter. even though sometimes it's harder to challenge ed and all those negative voices, that's when i really start living, it's when i truly start finding myself and loving myself. it's harder though because ed has conditioned me for so long to "un-love" myself and then when i try to love myself and do what's best for me, i hear ed telling me i'm wrong and that i'm a lousy, no good, person who can't do anything, that if i can't just follow him than i am no good.

everything comes back to loving yourself, even with jealously. there was a quote i read yesterday that said jealously was about feeling unworthy, like someone is better and the at of not loving yourself. yep. i feel jealous simply because i don't love myself enough to let others so what they want to do and knowing i am just fine and wonderful even if they are having masses of fun and i'm home alone watching tv.

i also read a quote that said, "you can't be lonely, if you like the person you're alone with" and at first, like you saw in my other post, i was quick to say this would be true if i liked myself but then after i thought about it some more and after being honest with myself and challenging my thoughts, i discovered that i really do like myself, it's just ed that doesn't like me and is trying to get me to think that i don't like myself. fuck off ed.

necaps testing

i wonder if teachers feel powerful over kids...some of the looks on their faces wouldn't suggest otherwise. i mean  they have a right to, correct? to be powerful? i suppose. it's funny though, because i hate how they look at you like they're so much better or whatever you know? but then again, isn't that what i do? don't i put on a front that tells other people to stay back because i'm better? i'm skinnier than you so i'm better than you, right? WRONG!

i am neither beneath or above no one. we're all the same.

it goes two different ways: one-i think the whole world is thinking about me, talking about me, laughing, etc.
                                        two-i am nothing and nobody cares a fuck about me.

how can i find a middle ground to those thoughts?  how can i say: "i am cared for and loved but no one's talking or thinking about me as much as i think they are."

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

i read a quote today that said something to the effect that you can't be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. this would make sense if i liked myself.
there's nothing else to say right now except that i feel lost and forgotten.

went to the doctor today. she said everything was fine. why do i still struggle than?

Monday, May 16, 2011

re-framing thoughts about food:

food will solve all my problems
food will only solve the problem of hunger or craving.

if i have food on my plate, i have to finish it
i can leave food on my plate, save it, or throw it away

food is my life
there is much more to my life than food

i need to be in tight control around food
i can be comfortable with food without being in tight control

food will make you fat
tuning out my body's signals of hunger and fullness/satisfaction will make me fat

i can never get enough food
i know when i've had enough food and feel pleasantly satisfied

if i start eating something i like, i'll never stop
i can stop eating when i'm full or satisfied

i'm ashamed of how i eat
i can eat without feeling ashamed

feeling good or bad about myself depends on what i eat or don't eat
how i feel about myself has nothing to do with what i eat or don't eat

denying myself food shows i'm in control of my eating and , therefore, deprivation and restriction equal emotional strength
strength and control come from exercising my personal power in the world, not from refusing food

thin equals a happy, successful, perfect life
people can be happy and successful at any size, but no one has a perfect weight

fat equals miserable, unhappy, and no deserving of or enjoying a good life
i deserve to be happy and to enjoy life at any weight

feeling proud or ashamed of myself depends on what i weigh
my feelings of pride or shame come from what i do, not what i weigh

it's too scary to gain weight, even a pound
there's nothing scary about gaining weight

i'll never be happy with my body
i'm going to start being happy with my body today

i can't trust my body to feed itself in a way that keeps me healthy and satisfied
i trust my body to make healthy food choices and to know when its satisfied with food

my body will never learn to say yes and no to food at the right times and in the right amounts
i can teach my body how to say yes and no to food at the right times and in the right amounts

what people think about my body is more important than what i think about it
what i think about my body is more important than what other people think of it

things i wrote while attending hebron:

odd poems:

it's all good.
shine on. find a way to shine.
be yourself 'cause everyone is taken.
be foolish. be a kid again.
trust builds up. walls tumble.
all i need is you.
what is love?
stuck inside of yesterday.
angels. fate. love.
music-no world.
turn up the music, block out the world.
i don't want anymore snow.
it's snowing.
i get to leave today.
only two weeks left.
i can't wait.
i want mountain day.
i think i wanna do track.
i want summer. swimming.
if one door closes. i hope one more opens.
in the end it will be okay. if it's not okay, it's not the end.
stay true to what you believe.
fall down.

i don't feel good.
why am i sad?
are there other people that feel this way?
i don't wanna be around people.
i can't pay attention.
my mind won't stop running.
all i want to do is be alone.
all i want to do is be alone.
get me out of here.
get me out of myself.
what do i have?
what will help me?
i'm not eating enough.
i know it.
but i feel like i accomplish something when i don't.
what am i controlling?


i want to get married under an old willow tree out in the country with a barn and fried in the background.
tomorrow is the prom. i'm terrified. not sure what to do afterwards, but hopefully it'll be just me and him.
my attitude towards homework and schoolwork has become "i don't give a shit". i'm not totally sure why but it is and that's not good. i need to finish this year strong...
i want to go home and stay there. i want next year and online classes. i want free time, time to relax and spend time figuring things out. i'm sick of everything here. the people, the places, the work, everything.

more thoughts:

i can never focus by the end of the day. my brain can't take anymore crap. i can't even function. all i hear are words. random words. all i wanna do is go home and hold ben forever. the only thing that keeps my focus is thinking about him. my brain feels tight. a pounding feeling.

today sucked. i don't want anything to do with the people here. i feel shitty. i'm falling back into ed. i'm trying to figure out why. why am i holding on to this when i get only horrible things from it? why am i living like this? what am i really controlling? what am i trying to gain? i don't want attention from this, yet it's the only attention i get. otherwise i feel invisible. or is it the disorder that makes me invisible? i somehow find some kind of satisfaction out of knowing i didn't have a snack earlier or that i only ate a yogurt for breakfast or knowing that i ate less than someone else. it's like i'm better or something. like i have more control, yet i don't in the long run. the ed ends up controlling me...

i'm dead. i can't focus. when do i get out of here? too many words. none making sense. my brain hurts. i can't think anymore. all i want to do is write. to be outside. somewhere warm. running through a field holding ben's hand.

i suppose if i was more outgoing, school would be better, but i'm not. i'm quiet. that's just the way i am. i'm sensitive. when little things happen that i don't like or that hurt me, my day is ruined. i have a hard time feeling comfortable in large crowds. i always feel like i'm being judged in someway or another. that's why i like being alone or only with one person. i'm better with people one-on-one unless i'm good friends with all the other people too. i like to just be alone and think and read, but at the same time i would like to go out and have fun with friends, but since i'm quiet and get anxious when i'm with people, i don't. it's exhausting for me. the main reason why i don't usually join groups or anything is because it's disappointing for me. over and over again, feeling like i don't belong anywhere. the only place i feel like i can be myself is at home, at the shop, walking, talking with mom, being with ben, anywhere by myself. ben makes me feel okay about myself, like i'm free to be all that i am without shame. i don't feel judged. everywhere i go, i always feel like there's someone trying to change the way i am, weather it be by trying to get me to talk more or feeling as though i am rude or just getting mad or whatever, but with ben, there's nothing. it's just me and him.


i feel dead. i feel calm. i fee like i'm not taking anything in. i feel lost. i feel loved. i feel okay. i feel glad. i feel bad. i feel like i'm flying. i feel like i'm standing still. i feel bored. i feel tired. i feel like i'm going through the motions. i feel as though i'm falling. i feel sad. i feel down. i feel like running. i feel like standing out in the pouring rain. i feel like drowning. i feel like rising. i feel like i need an adventure. i feel like doing something crazy. i feel like eating. i feeling like i'm staring off into an empty space. i feel annoyed. i feel beautiful. i feel gross. i feel as though people just see right through me. i feel as though no one knows me. i feel invisible. i feel like i stand out. i feel different. i feel the same. i feel alone. i feel like i'm being watched. i feel cold. i feel warm. i feel like learning something meaningful. i feel important. i feel small. i feel like i need inspiration. i feel like being by myself. i feel like sleeping. i feel good. i feel bad. i feel boring. i feel crazy. i feel like i'm floating. i feel like i'm sinking. i feel grateful. i feel dissatisfied. i feel shallow. i feel deep. i feel good. i feed bad. i feel like living.
i just read a blog post with the title: When we keep company with other heroes, we become a hero as well. i was just thinking about this the other day. it's so true! since meeting my boyfriend and hanging out with him for the past year i have changed tremendously. i have learned so much from just being around him. his presence, alone, reminds me to be who i really want to be. he has showed me things that i would have never seen on my own and i thank him for that. i hang around with heroes and so then i become one too (even if it takes some time) :)

another blog post titled: you have already accepted yourself, has made an impact on me this morning. it says that i have already accepted myself and that ed is the one who can't accept me. however, he is trying to make me believe that i don't accept myself and then i get trapped. i need to remember that i accept myself and the way i am even though ed doesn't. that's his problem, not mine and when he comes around trying to tell me that i'm not good enough or other negative things, i'm not going to listen to him because i like myself and that's that!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

counting calories: safety and a feeling on being in control.
not counting calories: a feeling of being totally out of control, scared, no longer in safe boundaries.
i recently read a quote by the singer, Adele and it got me thinking about how stupid i am. she said how she doesn't have the time to worry about her weight because she has music to make and things to do in her life. this makes sense and also makes me feel completely pitiful and foolish. why do we all worry so much about how much we weight when we really should be worrying about making something bigger of ourselves? we have so much more important and better things to get done in this lifetime besides being at a perfect weight which doesn't even exist right?

if anyone saw me when i was walking, they'd surely think i was crazy. i actually talk out loud to myself and have conversations with the voices in my head, like i'm two people. it'd be pretty funny and embarrassing for me. ha.
had a semi breakdown last night...i got all sad that i wasn't going to sped the weekend with ben which then somehow turned into thinking about school and feeling like i just couldn't do it. i pulled myself together after about two hours of uncontrollable crying (the tears just wouldn't stop coming) by trying to tell myself not to worry about it because it's a long way away and i only have this moment.

there's something about being skinny that's appealing to me. on one hand it's the fact that i'm sick and not healthy and as bad as it sounds i'm almost proud of that? this is confusing for me consider how much i hate this disease. like people should feel bad for me because i'm this way...and being skinnier than other people gives me a feeling of power over them.
in a weird way i feel better than others when i can say i'm smaller. like i've achieved something they didn't. throughout the day i'll constantly check to make sure i can still feel my ribs and feel my hips sticking out when i lay down or walk. i make sure that when i bend over i can still see my back done. it's almost like saying to others, 'ha, you can see my bones! and that makes me better than you.' (as much as that doesn't make sense, i believe it). it's like saying 'yeah i know i can't make friends or be outgoing or be as beautiful or confident as you, but i can make myself thin and thus make myself disappear and that's the best quality right...invisibility right?'

how can i give up this proudness? how can i find a way to not have to feel better than others?
i swear theres something in the shower that makes you look bigger than you really are. watching the water roll down my stomach and hit the tub, i have to look away. i hate the size of my stomach when i am looking down. i once saw this kid on tv for some weight loss program show thing and after he lost the weight, the first thing he said was 'wow, i can see my feet again' (like when he looked down he could see his feet because before he could due to his stomach). every time i take a shower i think about that...i try to jut my stomach out so i can no longer see my feet and then suck it in as far as possible to see the difference. it's an odd ritual. confession: i still sometimes wear a bathing suit into the shower because i am not totally comfortable with my body. i did this since the start of the anorexia.
i ate almond butter for lunch (with jelly and on a wrap of course)...it went surprisingly well. i had to keep my thoughts positive, saying things like, "it's good tay, it's good for your body", and "it's not going to kill you." i didn't freak out or try to have less later. i just ate it like it was nothing. i was pretty proud of myself.

i headed out for a run (my goal) around 3:30...ran down the road to another road and then another and then turned around after a bit. my goal was to go at least one mile to start out and then maybe increase...or maybe not. it was kinda a big deal for me to do this. i have never had the confidence to just go out and run, especially in a town where people could actually see me...oh no! but i think since i have been running at the gym and being fine with it, that i finally got up enough courage to just do it. i like running and it feels really good to just run. only one car paces me (phew!) and everything went fine. i was tired by the time i got back but i was super proud of myself and felt really good.

these good feelings made me be able to have a good dinner. note to self: eating is better when you feel good, especially about yourself, just f.y.i. anyways, i made a burrito with ben's moms mix stuff she gave me, cheese and tofu...i grilled it on the forman so it looked like the pros made it. i did a good job! i also made a kale and swiss chard and sauerkraut stir-fry (no oil tho). i had mixed feelings about the burrito. i have an especially hard time eating something when i don't know how many calories are in it (the mix stuff), but it was so good i had to have it. i thought about how hard my body had just worked while i was running so i told myself it was okay that i didn't know the calories. yesterday i had made bubble tea with tapioca pearls so for my little desert i had some of the pearls with milk. it was pretty good. overall it was a pretty good day, except for the angry/sad feelings i had here and there. i felt kind of sad/angry mainly because ben isn't here.

it makes me sad when other people have fun with their friends while i just am alone at home doing my own thing. it doesn't really bother me that i'm alone all the time until you see others having fun, then it hits me that i don't have that. two voices ran through my head last night and today...i'm assuming one was ed and one was my heart: you're such a failure, you have no friends. no body likes you. that's not true. people like me and i do have friends, just not many. stop kidding yourself, you couldn't make friends for your life. yes i can. it just takes some time. no one would ever want to be your friend anyways...you have too many problems. that's not true because i have friends and i did have good friends at one point. once people get to know the real you, they'll realize you're too much for them. if they do then i don't want them as friends anyways.
and that went on for hours. it's exhausting sometimes when you can't stop the on going conversations and arguments in your own head. unfortunately it happens all the time. 
had chicken and a baked potato today for lunch. i wasn't expecting to have it so after i ate it i freaked out about calories but had to remind myself that it wasn't worth it and tried to rememeber how far i've come and how i can't turn back now. after lunch i decided to go to the beach and just bask in the sun.

it's beautiful here (beach). the fish are jumping, the sun is out, it's rather hot and it feels like my face is on fire but it's okay. some lady just jumped in the lake. i have a feeling it was cold by the way she screamed a bit.

it feels nice to just relax and sit here for a bit. it's not something that i would normally do, but i like it. i always feel like i have to be busy or that i'm in a rush so it's nice to just slow down and take in the sunshine and be quiet. it's not really easy, however, but i keep telling myself that it's okay and that it is good and needed.

eating with others is still challenging. i always feel awkward and like i can't just eat normal. i feel like i have to have perfect manners and not be a slob because then they'd think i was a fucking pig and then they'd know how i was so fat. the only good thing i can find about eating with others is that it helps me to slow down and eat instead of gulping it down just to get it over with.

i'm not sure how i feel about not spending the weekend with ben. i have to take care of some doggies so i guess that'll keep me busy but i think it's supposed to rain so i'm not sure what i'll do.

i talked with mom this morning. i told her about  my idea of possibly hiking alone for a couple of days...i thought she was going to tell me that it wasn't a good idea but she didn't. i think she'll let me go if she just knows i'll be safe. we'll see. also she told me about these feather hair extensions..she liked them a lot and said she'd get them for me if i want. i looked them up online and thought they'd be cool. so i might do that.

i feel like sometimes i think i'm the only one going through shit and that i'm the only one that hurts and i feel bad for myself and want other people to feel bad for me too when in reality everybody hurts and goes through something that is hard, weather it be and eating disorder or something else.

i want to stop thinking so much about what i'm going through and instead focus on others and their feelings...how can i do this? how can i do things for others? how can i make a difference in someone else's life? i don't want to feel sorry for myself anymore because i don't really...i mean the ed has taught me so much, not only about myself but about others and about life in general. i wouldn't be the person i am today if it wasn't for the ed. i want to take what i've learned and move on with my life. i want to help others and help them see tthat ed isn't all bad, because it can teach you things that you would never learn otherwise. you just have to know (and i am still struggling with this) when to let it go...

Thursday, May 12, 2011

i wanna lay out in the warm rain and let it wash over me...let it wash away my past and pain and free me of worries. let it take away the things that haunt me and let me feel part of the earth...sinking.

i refuse to give into the negative thoughts that tell me im not good enough when ben says he wants to hang out with other friends. i refuse to give into the thought that its my fault that he isn't hanging out with them. it's a trap in my mind and i refuse to be caught.

the last couple of days i've had this strong urge to hike by myself for a week or so. i feel like i want to challenge myself and prove to myself that i can do things on my on and be responsible for myself...

lately i've been noticing the cuts and bruises i have, have been taking a long time to heal. i have one from at least two months ago when there was still snow and kezo tried to bite my leg. it still hasn't healed completely. i am a little worried about this...

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

today while walking i had this overwhelming serge of positive energy come over me. all of a sudden i had the sense that i could beat this disease and that i could make college a good experience. i realized that the past year has been so life-changing for me. i've learned more about myself this past year than i think i ever have. i finally realized that if i truly want something for myself, than i need to MAKE it happen, not just wait around and think that someone will give it to me or that some god in heaven will do it for me. if i don't want this ed anymore than its my choice to get rid of it. no matter how many counselors, nutritionists or treatment centers i go to i'm never going to get better unless i wholeheartedly want it. when i look at my friends that struggle with eds i can see this clearly. one girl in particular has been in and out of probably ten facilities and yet still doesn't eat and is still in the same or even worse danger than before. i sued to wonder how this could be, but then realized that there's still something inside her, her true voice that wants it. she doesn't truly want to give up the anorexia even if she says that she hates it. i mean it's like any addiction really, if you can't tell yourself that you truly want to give it up than you wont no matter how much help you get. you must be in a state of mental readiness to give it up. you must want it for yourself, your life, your family, more than anything else because if you don't than it'll always be with you.
things about college i realized were that if i continually picture it in my head as being bad or anxious than 10 times out of 10 it's going to be just that. if i continually think that, oh the classes are going to be hard and the teachers could suck and the kids are going to be loud and what if i can't make friends, no ones going to like me and so on, than that's what going to happen. i have to picture myself as i want to be instead of looking at all the negatives. yes, there's no doubt that things are going to be hard but if i can figure out a way to make them better or at least my reaction to them more positive than i think my time at college would be a lot more enjoyable. one thing that ben said to me last year that will always stick with me is that if there is some way i could find interest in my classes then things would be that much better. if i could go to classes thinking about all the wonderful things i am learning and try to take everything in that i can and really be immersed in the information than wouldn't that be awesome! how can i do this?
i also was reflecting on the fact that throughout my whole life almost, i have always gotten what i wanted. with enough persuasion or explaining why it would be best i have changed schools six times, gotten myself out of counseling, done what i wanted, etc. as much as i respect my mom for really taking the time to listen to me and trying to do what was best for me, i feel like i needed that one person in my life that didn't take my crap and just told me what to do. what would have happened if, when i begged to do homeschooling instead of seventh grade or go back to online classes instead of finished out another year in boarding school, they just straight out told me 'no' and that was that? what would have happened if i just had to 'tough' it out and push through? i either would have broken down and been miserable or i would have eventually said 'okay, i have to be here, so how can i get through this?' i feel like, with college and jobs and so on coming up soon, i have to be the one to not just realize this but take the responsibility to change this and to be that person that tells myself 'no, you have to push through'.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

from old journal:

i used to wonder  what the hell was wrong with me. why couldn't i ever stay on the right and healthy path? but then i finally realized that i was on the right and healthy path all along. every misstep was part of the journey and it all mattered, and i was right where i was supposed to be. recovery is not perfect. it's messy. i had to (and still have to) believe this fact and let go of the guilt and shame of not getting everything prefect. i had to (and still have to) realize that recovery is not an overnight thing, it's a long process, there are going to be many ups and downs along the way and that is okay. it's supposed to happen, because that is how you learn.
i remember in sixth grade trying to take up the least amount of space on the wooden benches we had. i try my best to take up the least amount of space everywhere i go. hence the fact that i don't wan to be big or feel fat because the smaller you are, thus the less amount of space you take up. i need to figure this out a little bit more.

some things i found in my old journal:

april 11, 2010


i learned that being yourself is a hard thing to do..there will always be people that you wish you could be like, but you have to find that inner part of yourself where you know you are great just the way you are.

if i were to die tomorrow, i would have a lot of regrets for the things i didn't do. i wouldn't have lived the life i wished for myself. how can i remind myself today to embrace each moment and to take in everything i see for it could be the last i see at any moment?

Let me be myself
That's all i ask for
Let me like the things i like
Let me be worthy of goodness
Please tell me i am good enough
I don't want to be lonely
I need help


"and you will stumble at times, forgetting what you want, falling head first into your old habits and beliefs. but fear not! that is to be expected. whenever you challenge the old ways with the new ones, the old ways will fight tooth and nail."

"Be like a lotus, opening your heart to drink in the morning sun."

There will be moments when fear will overtake you, and make your head spin. the fear that you will lose control, of being weird, of giving up the familiar and comfortable for what is surely to be unfamiliar and uncomfortable. but, "when you are comfortable, you are not growing."

What am i rally trying to control when i keep myself from eating?

There is a divine order to everything in life. it is for this reason that exactly where you are at any givien time in life, is exactly where you are meant to be.

"Stop wasting time on earth with hiding yourself. let you true self shine, because that's what other people want to see. you don't have to worry about what other people think of you because you are you, and no body else can do what you do. you have to appreciate and believe in yourself and that is when you are free."
-Wayne Dyer

Is the situation dark? or are you obscuring the light with your own ego?

are people really trying to hurt you, or are they simply unaware of your feelings?

"but nowhere is it dictated that you must be what others want you to be when their wished conflict with what you want for yourself."
-Wayne Dyer

"I only allow that which is good into my life. no one can depress me. no one can make me anxious. no one can hurt my feelings. no one can make me anything other than what i allow inside." -wayne dyer

Monday, May 9, 2011

talking to my nutritionist today we got deep into feeling uncomfortable and taking up space. she assumed correctly that i'm like every body else and take up space but am somehow trying not to. this hit me like, "wow, that's exactly right!" i feel like i take up space and try not to, it's as simple as that.
last night was...awful to say the least. i just felt so horrible and plus with my period, i was over emotional which made everything worse. i feel stupid and embarrassed for what happened, but i can't go back and change it. i have to start challenging my thoughts because, after all,  they are only thoughts and they cannot control me. i had heard about byron katire and her four questions some time ago from when mom got a book out by her. i read some of it and thought it was a good idea but never moved forward with it. the concept is simple, asking yourself if the thoughts you have are true. the four questions:
is it true?
can you absolutely know that it is true?
how do you react, what happens, when you believe the thought?
who would you be without the thought?

i feel like this could help me to really question the thoughts that i have of self-doubt and worthlessness. last night would have been a perfect time for this method. i was trying to fight the ed voice and negative thoughts in my head but didn't know how. i kept telling myself that they weren't true and that they were wrong but they over powered my small heart voice. next time this happens and just in everyday situations i will try to take a moment aside and ask myself these four questions and see if it helps. :)

Sunday, May 8, 2011

i dont even know what im feeling right now. im pissed but not really sure why. im so fucked up its not even funny. in one sentance i earn for affection and caring and in the next i push it away like i dont deserve it. the one thing i absolutely hate is when people tell me to just be tough or to get over it. they have no idea the hell i go through on an everyday basis. im sorry i cant be as strong as you. im sorry i cant be perfect and just fix my problems. the funny thing is, is that im not even sure if i want myself to get better. the ed voice doesnt want me to which fights with my heart voice that wants me too. sometimes i get so low that i feel like hurting myself. i dont know what else to do but think that itd be better if i just wasnt here. would it be better? then people wouldnt have to deal with me right? then i wouldnt have to deal with myself. my stupid, no good, worthless piece of shit self. i feel oddly happy when im sad, like i know i deserve it. why should i even think i should be happy? what have i ever done that deserved happiness? when i tell people that the ed is what makes me feel this way, they just tell me to stop believing him and to get rid of him. yeah right. do you know how much i wish i could just do that? if it were that easy i would definitely fucking do it! god. im so pissed. my chest is heavy with so many emotions i dont know what to do. ben is mad at me. if i dont die or pull myself together im going to lose everybody around me. im going to drive them away. is that what i want? no. but thats what ed wants. is it wrong to feel  curiously happy when you have issues? because this is how i feel a lot of the times. like, finally im special. i have fucking issues. if i lose this disorder i lose my issues. the issues that put me at risk. the issues that get attention from others. the issues that are life an death. i want to be special. i want for people to care and help me, yet i dont want them to help me or try to understand the way i feel. i dont want help. i want help. i need help.
I thought i almost lost it this morning. i felt hungry every second and was so tempted to just eat everything to get it over with..but i didn't. i pulled myself together and got over my temptations. i was a bit freaked when i realized i ate 1630 calories but then i had to remind myself that it wasn't worth it to worry.

i realized today that people don't scrutinize my body and personality as much as i do. i think that because i scrutinize mine and other people's bodies than others do the same to me. but in reality others don't have anorexia, so they don't think the way i do.

i also realized that people don't notice everything i eat. i notice every little thing that people around me are eating and how many calories they're getting and when and how much they eat and think that they do the same with me, but when in reality they don't even realize what i ate or when i did and so on. again, regular people don't think the way anorexics do.

it's like every time i eat i feel gross and powerless. it feels like i've lost total control, like i'll never be able to stop once i start. i hate calories. i wish i didn't have to bother with them but the voice in my ed (the ed) keeps telling me i need to count and i need to worry and i need not go over a certain amount. blah.

I'm still not quite sure why i can be a complete and utter fool, be loud and crazy around ben, but yet i refuse to sing around him. strangeness.

went out to lunch today with mom. it was her birthday. we went to wolfeboro to a place called downtown grille cafe near the lake. it was a nice place. you order and then sit down and they bring it out to you. i had the  turkey reuben grille: roasted turkey, sauerkraut, bistro sauce, pepper jack cheese and swiss cheese grilled on a seasoned tortilla. it was pretty good. felt okay afterwards. went to the thrift shop and found some nice white summer capris, a pair of shorts and a cute summer dress. went for a long walk with the dogs on the way home. ended up getting semi lost and walked for over an hour and a half on some long dirt road. pretty fun but tiring. good day in the end.

felt kind of sick all day on and off. ben and i went down to north conway to get mother's day gifts and cards. i got super tired and a semi brain fog. had a small lunch when we got back home. we hit some golf balls off the porch and tried to get them in the trash can in the trees (cam set it up). then we played pass with the baseball. that was fun. i forgot how much i liked doing that. i made a collage card for mother's day for mom. ben and i went down to the grocery store. we decided to make dinner together: fettuccine pasta with chicken cordon bleu and broccoli. it was good.

bad morning. period today. feel sick and emotional. pretty much horrible. advil finally kicked in after a nice hot shower. felt gross looking down at myself in the shower...my stomach bloated out. everything looks bigger in the shower. packed up stuff for ben's house. put on jeans and tried to look somewhat presentable but feel pretty huge...make that enormous. i know it's just due to my period and that it'll most likely be gone by tomorrow but it doesn't really make it any easier going through it now.

god i feel so big. my stomach is so bloated it makes me look pregnant. gar. it's just one of those days where i feel like my body is just getting bigger and bigger by the minute and that whatever i eat is just going straight to my stomach and butt...

just ate lobster...interesting. it's one of those things that is borderline for murder. it's first boiled live...god that must suck. be an awful way to die. then you pull it all to shreds when you eat it. made me virtually feel like a murderer. i didn't want to seem like too much of a weirdo so i dipped the meat i extracted into the warm butter and ate it. feel disgusting from the butter. watching ben kill people on the xbox will make me feel better.

Friday, May 6, 2011

i was proud of myself today. instead of just saying 'good thanks' when someone asked me how i was, i said 'good thanks, how are you?" big step! i felt good.

ugh i feel so huge right now. i didn't walk a lot today. that's upsetting. i had a somewhat dinner.okay not really. my stomach is in pain from digestion? i'm not quite sure, but it makes my stomach look like it's pregnant. growl.

what is the point of calories and worrying about food and weight when we only have this one life to live? we only have this little amount time on earth, why waste it worrying about something that shouldn't really be a big deal. okay, so what if i have 3000 calories one day? does it really have to matter? food, fat grams, calories, those should be the last of our worries. life should be for living, laughing, loving. our weight has nothing to do with our worth. we should be worrying about being kind and helping others or enjoying the sun on a cold day or watching the sun rise. blah.
went to portland the other day with nicole. i thought i did good with food. we got bubble tea with tapioca pearls, i got strawberry while she went with chocolate. then we went shopping at the mall. i thought i did good with this too. one of the workers at delia's tried to help me with some shorts...i didn't take her help because the shorts were way out of my price range but what surprised me was how she guessed my size was a zero or a one. i didn't think anyone would look at me and think that! it made me oddly happy inside. we headed to whole foods after and i sampled:  buffalo chicken, chicken salad stuff, falafel, beans and rice salad, and a half of a quinoa cake.

felt more confident today. i had fun just hanging out with nicole. i hadn't done that in a while. i feel good about the  things i bought. two v-neck t-shirts, two pairs of shorts, and some cute socks. i feel like i could easily wear them this summer. i am trying to wear shorts more...but i didn't feel as anxious with nicole. it's easy being around her which then makes it easier being around other people. if i had gone to the mall by myself i would have been super anxious but since i was with her, it wasn't that bad.
i wish i had the confidence to wear dresses and cute clothes that i see at stores and on other girls.i love what i look like in the clothes i try on but i'm afraid of what others might think or say.

i wonder what would happen if i just ate everything i wanted for one day.like ice cream and cookies and cake and cheese and peanut butter and pizza. everything that i have ever wanted or craved but wouldn't allowed myself to have.what would happen? how would i feel? react?

since i feel so paranoid that people are talking about me and judging me all the time, i feel the need to disappear and being small makes me think i can do just that. no one will notice me i am thin enough right?
i went shopping the other day and realized just how tiny i really am. i mean when i look in the mirror i know i look tiny but i feel good about myself.it's when i look down at myself while walking, when i glaze at myself in a store window, and when i stare at one part of my body, that i start to feel huge and gross. then at other times i look in the mirror and my eyes immediately go to the big parts, where i can tell there is fat. then there are other days when i look in the mirror and see how grossly skinny i am and how disgusting i look. i'm a mess.
i just had a good talk with my mom while walking this morning. she had some good ideas for my 'two selves'. she said to think of the self i don't like, the one that clams up in social situations, as a little girl that is terrified. she said to imagine myself holding her hand and comforting her while in situations that make her scared. she is part of me, no matter how much i thought i hated her. if i comfort this little girl and treat her with love, forgive her for being shy and quiet than maybe i can overcome the social anxiety a little bit.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

I read something today on eatingdisorderblogs.com that really hit me. It said, "I am here to learn, to grow, to love—not to die from an eating disorder." This is so true. Why live in continual hell when you only have this one life to live?

Today was a bad day. I don't feel like I stayed on track with eating. I counted calories and it just made me feel awful. I can't fucking tell when I'm hungry. I always seem hungry but don't want to be. I feel so out of control when I eat. I feel so guilty after I eat, like I just did something horrible. I feel gross and fat. I hate thinking about food and I hate eating it. God. 
I knew there were going to be days like these but today I just really hate myself. I feel mad and sad and everything else. I just want everything to go fucking away. Why can't I just be free?

Monday, May 2, 2011

When I picture myself in the future I don't see myself with the ed. I see myself, oddly enough, on a horse, in a big open field on a perfect sunny day, riding with my hair blowing in the wind. Free. I see a family with Ben and kids and a home filled with love. I see hiking trips, a rewarding job, and an art studio where I can freely express myself. I see freedom, love, compassion<3
The other day in the car I had a breakdown and cried to Ben about how I would love myself if I could actually find something about myself that I at least liked. He said something that made me think a lot. He said that he thought I really did love my true self, the self that I am when I'm alone, the self I am when I'm being silly and crazy with him, the self that I am when I'm at home doing art or writing, the person I am on the inside. But I don't like the person I pretend to be, the self I let others see, the self I am when I'm around other people, the self I am in social situations. This is so true and I never really thought about it in terms like that. I always thought that these two different persons were me and how could I ever love myself if I hated half of me? But then when he said this, I realized that I'm two different people and I truly love the real me.
This morning I felt oddly annoyed. I get into certain moods where everything annoys me and I just don't feel like saying or doing anything. Almost like I'm lost, I don't know where I am. Sometimes I get a foggy feeling in my brain, like on Saturday when we went to Roy's and golfing. I have observed why this happens and have concluded it's due to the fact that I try too hard to be someone else when there are a lot of people around. My brain overworks itself by thinking about what everybody is thinking of me, if they're thinking I look stupid or fat or whatever, or thinking too much about not being rude, holding the door for others, making sure I'm always doing the right thing at the right time. This makes me feel "ahhhhhhhhhh". That's all I can say about how it makes me feel.
When I went for my walk earlier I was feeling strangely hopeful about everything. I felt like today was a new start and that I could do this. Fight this. 
Yesterday Ben and I hiked Puzzle Mountain over in Grafton Notch. I had so much fun. I had so much energy too! I was in a pretty good mood the whole day, even after eating the gross ham and cheese sandwich I picked up for lunch. I ate it and didn't feel anything afterwards. Then when we got home, it started to hit me how disgusted I felt. I thought I was doing so well with eating and then the ham and cheese threw me all off. It began all the thoughts of how gross I'd felt all weekend. It was like the weekend came and I lost control of everything. Last night I was feeling so many different emotions at once, but the biggest one was that I just felt like a complete and total failure.
I don't think it helped that I was talking to a possible roommate for Utica next year, last night as well. It made me really nervous and sad and anxious about school this fall. I told Ben I didn't want to go.

Sunday, May 1, 2011


you just ate so much food. that ham and cheese must have had 500 calories. god. it's all going straight to your butt and thighs. 
shut up ed. 500 calories is not even a lot for lunch. and it's not going straight to my butt and thighs. my body is going to use that good nutrition in order to fuel my brain and heart and every organ in my body.
if you keep giving in to eating, into your cravings you're going to be huge and fat and gross and worthless. you're already worthless. you have to listen to me. i am helping you. 
you're not helping me in any way. you're killing me. it's a slow suicide. if i don't eat, my heart is going to stop pumping blood and i'm going to die. i am not worthless. i have a purpose in this life and it's not to listen to you.

i struggled so long with trying to figure out the whole god thing. i tried to make him a part of my life. i tried to believe that he was there when i needed him, that he loved me unconditionally, that he wanted the best for me, but then i realized that if i didn't love myself and want the best for myself than i would never believe he could love me. i always pretended that he loved me, faking myself into thinking it was true, but it never worked because i didn't love myself. how could i think that someone else could love me, unconditionally, when i didn't even love myself or even thought i deserved love.
i also got to the point when i just broke down and decided god didn't want to help me. i felt abandoned and alone. i kept reading all these things that said to lean on god and he will take care of you, that he will wipe your tears away, that he will make your life better. i tried so hard to believe those things but i could never feel god with me, helping me. i had been through so much and yet i still had so far to go. i felt left behind by god. i didn't know why he wasn't helping me get rid of this disorder. i was the one who really wanted to beat it, not god. i had to do it by myself or i would never be free.

i feel like religion is just a dead end road that makes you feel bad about all the stuff you do. i constantly felt like a failure when i did something "wrong". i didn't want to live under all those rules and restrictions. i believe the best kind of religion is the one with yourself. you have to love yourself in order to make everything else good. loving yourself, the true you, will make you be who you want to be, do what you dreamed of doing, have the things you want, and be free.
i really want to write a book. i feel like i would have to make it different from just any other book though. i would write about my experience with anorexia and other things but i don't want it to just be a story because that could be boring. i'd rather write it kinda in a diary/memory form and just kinda explain situations and thoughts. i think it would be nice to get my thoughts down and share them with others who could benefit from them. i want people to understand anorexia and its messiness. it's just a complicated, confusing disease that i would want to help people, family members who have sufferers in the family, and others with the disease be able to better understand it. i don't know. big dream.