Saturday, May 14, 2011

had a semi breakdown last night...i got all sad that i wasn't going to sped the weekend with ben which then somehow turned into thinking about school and feeling like i just couldn't do it. i pulled myself together after about two hours of uncontrollable crying (the tears just wouldn't stop coming) by trying to tell myself not to worry about it because it's a long way away and i only have this moment.

there's something about being skinny that's appealing to me. on one hand it's the fact that i'm sick and not healthy and as bad as it sounds i'm almost proud of that? this is confusing for me consider how much i hate this disease. like people should feel bad for me because i'm this way...and being skinnier than other people gives me a feeling of power over them.
in a weird way i feel better than others when i can say i'm smaller. like i've achieved something they didn't. throughout the day i'll constantly check to make sure i can still feel my ribs and feel my hips sticking out when i lay down or walk. i make sure that when i bend over i can still see my back done. it's almost like saying to others, 'ha, you can see my bones! and that makes me better than you.' (as much as that doesn't make sense, i believe it). it's like saying 'yeah i know i can't make friends or be outgoing or be as beautiful or confident as you, but i can make myself thin and thus make myself disappear and that's the best quality right...invisibility right?'

how can i give up this proudness? how can i find a way to not have to feel better than others?

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