She'll Be Free

things i wrote while attending hebron:

odd poems:

WHAT DO YOU WANT?
it's all good.
shine on. find a way to shine.
silence.
be yourself 'cause everyone is taken.
be foolish. be a kid again.
AMAZING.
trust builds up. walls tumble.
all i need is you.
what is love?
stuck inside of yesterday.
angels. fate. love.
heaven.
music-no world.
turn up the music, block out the world.
i don't want anymore snow.
it's snowing.
i get to leave today.
only two weeks left.
i can't wait.
i want mountain day.
hahahahaha.
wtf.
LAUGHTER.
i think i wanna do track.
i want summer. swimming.
if one door closes. i hope one more opens.
in the end it will be okay. if it's not okay, it's not the end.
stay true to what you believe.
fall down.


i don't feel good.
why am i sad?
are there other people that feel this way?
i don't wanna be around people.
i can't pay attention.
my mind won't stop running.
all i want to do is be alone.
all i want to do is be alone.
get me out of here.
get me out of myself.
what do i have?
what will help me?
i'm not eating enough.
i know it.
but i feel like i accomplish something when i don't.
what am i controlling?
blah.


thoughts:

i want to get married under an old willow tree out in the country with a barn and fried in the background.
tomorrow is the prom. i'm terrified. not sure what to do afterwards, but hopefully it'll be just me and him.
my attitude towards homework and schoolwork has become "i don't give a shit". i'm not totally sure why but it is and that's not good. i need to finish this year strong...
i want to go home and stay there. i want next year and online classes. i want free time, time to relax and spend time figuring things out. i'm sick of everything here. the people, the places, the work, everything.

more thoughts:

i can never focus by the end of the day. my brain can't take anymore crap. i can't even function. all i hear are words. random words. all i wanna do is go home and hold ben forever. the only thing that keeps my focus is thinking about him. my brain feels tight. a pounding feeling.

today sucked. i don't want anything to do with the people here. i feel shitty. i'm falling back into ed. i'm trying to figure out why. why am i holding on to this when i get only horrible things from it? why am i living like this? what am i really controlling? what am i trying to gain? i don't want attention from this, yet it's the only attention i get. otherwise i feel invisible. or is it the disorder that makes me invisible? i somehow find some kind of satisfaction out of knowing i didn't have a snack earlier or that i only ate a yogurt for breakfast or knowing that i ate less than someone else. it's like i'm better or something. like i have more control, yet i don't in the long run. the ed ends up controlling me...

i'm dead. i can't focus. when do i get out of here? too many words. none making sense. my brain hurts. i can't think anymore. all i want to do is write. to be outside. somewhere warm. running through a field holding ben's hand.

i suppose if i was more outgoing, school would be better, but i'm not. i'm quiet. that's just the way i am. i'm sensitive. when little things happen that i don't like or that hurt me, my day is ruined. i have a hard time feeling comfortable in large crowds. i always feel like i'm being judged in someway or another. that's why i like being alone or only with one person. i'm better with people one-on-one unless i'm good friends with all the other people too. i like to just be alone and think and read, but at the same time i would like to go out and have fun with friends, but since i'm quiet and get anxious when i'm with people, i don't. it's exhausting for me. the main reason why i don't usually join groups or anything is because it's disappointing for me. over and over again, feeling like i don't belong anywhere. the only place i feel like i can be myself is at home, at the shop, walking, talking with mom, being with ben, anywhere by myself. ben makes me feel okay about myself, like i'm free to be all that i am without shame. i don't feel judged. everywhere i go, i always feel like there's someone trying to change the way i am, weather it be by trying to get me to talk more or feeling as though i am rude or just getting mad or whatever, but with ben, there's nothing. it's just me and him.


feelings:

i feel dead. i feel calm. i fee like i'm not taking anything in. i feel lost. i feel loved. i feel okay. i feel glad. i feel bad. i feel like i'm flying. i feel like i'm standing still. i feel bored. i feel tired. i feel like i'm going through the motions. i feel as though i'm falling. i feel sad. i feel down. i feel like running. i feel like standing out in the pouring rain. i feel like drowning. i feel like rising. i feel like i need an adventure. i feel like doing something crazy. i feel like eating. i feeling like i'm staring off into an empty space. i feel annoyed. i feel beautiful. i feel gross. i feel as though people just see right through me. i feel as though no one knows me. i feel invisible. i feel like i stand out. i feel different. i feel the same. i feel alone. i feel like i'm being watched. i feel cold. i feel warm. i feel like learning something meaningful. i feel important. i feel small. i feel like i need inspiration. i feel like being by myself. i feel like sleeping. i feel good. i feel bad. i feel boring. i feel crazy. i feel like i'm floating. i feel like i'm sinking. i feel grateful. i feel dissatisfied. i feel shallow. i feel deep. i feel good. i feed bad. i feel like living.