She'll Be Free

i ate almond butter for lunch (with jelly and on a wrap of course)...it went surprisingly well. i had to keep my thoughts positive, saying things like, "it's good tay, it's good for your body", and "it's not going to kill you." i didn't freak out or try to have less later. i just ate it like it was nothing. i was pretty proud of myself.

i headed out for a run (my goal) around 3:30...ran down the road to another road and then another and then turned around after a bit. my goal was to go at least one mile to start out and then maybe increase...or maybe not. it was kinda a big deal for me to do this. i have never had the confidence to just go out and run, especially in a town where people could actually see me...oh no! but i think since i have been running at the gym and being fine with it, that i finally got up enough courage to just do it. i like running and it feels really good to just run. only one car paces me (phew!) and everything went fine. i was tired by the time i got back but i was super proud of myself and felt really good.

these good feelings made me be able to have a good dinner. note to self: eating is better when you feel good, especially about yourself, just f.y.i. anyways, i made a burrito with ben's moms mix stuff she gave me, cheese and tofu...i grilled it on the forman so it looked like the pros made it. i did a good job! i also made a kale and swiss chard and sauerkraut stir-fry (no oil tho). i had mixed feelings about the burrito. i have an especially hard time eating something when i don't know how many calories are in it (the mix stuff), but it was so good i had to have it. i thought about how hard my body had just worked while i was running so i told myself it was okay that i didn't know the calories. yesterday i had made bubble tea with tapioca pearls so for my little desert i had some of the pearls with milk. it was pretty good. overall it was a pretty good day, except for the angry/sad feelings i had here and there. i felt kind of sad/angry mainly because ben isn't here.

it makes me sad when other people have fun with their friends while i just am alone at home doing my own thing. it doesn't really bother me that i'm alone all the time until you see others having fun, then it hits me that i don't have that. two voices ran through my head last night and today...i'm assuming one was ed and one was my heart: you're such a failure, you have no friends. no body likes you. that's not true. people like me and i do have friends, just not many. stop kidding yourself, you couldn't make friends for your life. yes i can. it just takes some time. no one would ever want to be your friend anyways...you have too many problems. that's not true because i have friends and i did have good friends at one point. once people get to know the real you, they'll realize you're too much for them. if they do then i don't want them as friends anyways.
and that went on for hours. it's exhausting sometimes when you can't stop the on going conversations and arguments in your own head. unfortunately it happens all the time.