Sunday, May 8, 2011

I thought i almost lost it this morning. i felt hungry every second and was so tempted to just eat everything to get it over with..but i didn't. i pulled myself together and got over my temptations. i was a bit freaked when i realized i ate 1630 calories but then i had to remind myself that it wasn't worth it to worry.

i realized today that people don't scrutinize my body and personality as much as i do. i think that because i scrutinize mine and other people's bodies than others do the same to me. but in reality others don't have anorexia, so they don't think the way i do.

i also realized that people don't notice everything i eat. i notice every little thing that people around me are eating and how many calories they're getting and when and how much they eat and think that they do the same with me, but when in reality they don't even realize what i ate or when i did and so on. again, regular people don't think the way anorexics do.

it's like every time i eat i feel gross and powerless. it feels like i've lost total control, like i'll never be able to stop once i start. i hate calories. i wish i didn't have to bother with them but the voice in my ed (the ed) keeps telling me i need to count and i need to worry and i need not go over a certain amount. blah.

I'm still not quite sure why i can be a complete and utter fool, be loud and crazy around ben, but yet i refuse to sing around him. strangeness.

went out to lunch today with mom. it was her birthday. we went to wolfeboro to a place called downtown grille cafe near the lake. it was a nice place. you order and then sit down and they bring it out to you. i had the  turkey reuben grille: roasted turkey, sauerkraut, bistro sauce, pepper jack cheese and swiss cheese grilled on a seasoned tortilla. it was pretty good. felt okay afterwards. went to the thrift shop and found some nice white summer capris, a pair of shorts and a cute summer dress. went for a long walk with the dogs on the way home. ended up getting semi lost and walked for over an hour and a half on some long dirt road. pretty fun but tiring. good day in the end.

felt kind of sick all day on and off. ben and i went down to north conway to get mother's day gifts and cards. i got super tired and a semi brain fog. had a small lunch when we got back home. we hit some golf balls off the porch and tried to get them in the trash can in the trees (cam set it up). then we played pass with the baseball. that was fun. i forgot how much i liked doing that. i made a collage card for mother's day for mom. ben and i went down to the grocery store. we decided to make dinner together: fettuccine pasta with chicken cordon bleu and broccoli. it was good.

bad morning. period today. feel sick and emotional. pretty much horrible. advil finally kicked in after a nice hot shower. felt gross looking down at myself in the stomach bloated out. everything looks bigger in the shower. packed up stuff for ben's house. put on jeans and tried to look somewhat presentable but feel pretty huge...make that enormous. i know it's just due to my period and that it'll most likely be gone by tomorrow but it doesn't really make it any easier going through it now.

god i feel so big. my stomach is so bloated it makes me look pregnant. gar. it's just one of those days where i feel like my body is just getting bigger and bigger by the minute and that whatever i eat is just going straight to my stomach and butt...

just ate lobster...interesting. it's one of those things that is borderline for murder. it's first boiled live...god that must suck. be an awful way to die. then you pull it all to shreds when you eat it. made me virtually feel like a murderer. i didn't want to seem like too much of a weirdo so i dipped the meat i extracted into the warm butter and ate it. feel disgusting from the butter. watching ben kill people on the xbox will make me feel better.

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