Tuesday, May 24, 2011

it's hard because on one hand when i challenge the ed i feel like i'm giving up. i'm giving up fighting, i'm giving up everything and i'm falling. but on the other, more realistic hand, when i follow ed's orders and do what he tells me to, that's when i truly give up. i give up everything good in my life, my dreams, my hopes of children, love, laughter. even though sometimes it's harder to challenge ed and all those negative voices, that's when i really start living, it's when i truly start finding myself and loving myself. it's harder though because ed has conditioned me for so long to "un-love" myself and then when i try to love myself and do what's best for me, i hear ed telling me i'm wrong and that i'm a lousy, no good, person who can't do anything, that if i can't just follow him than i am no good.


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