Thursday, June 30, 2011

Had a thought on my way down Puzzle Mountain. I was listening to music and had the urge to play the guitar, like actually sit down and learn to play. But then I laughed because when do I ever actually sit down and do anything? Basically never! I hate sitting unless it's at night. That's when I give myself permission to sit.
Things I saw:

  • 4 groups of kids
  • 7 toads
  • 5 people
  • endless amounts of black flies and mosquitoes
  • 1 animal type thing (couldn't make out what it was)
I had two conversations and afterwards I realized that I ran through everything that I said and they said about twenty times, trying to figure out if what I said was stupid or not.

Conversation #1:

Group: How are you?
Me: Good, how are you guys doing?
Group: Good thanks.
Me: Have a good one!
Group: Have a good trip.

Conversation #2:

Guy in group two: Excuse me? Is there a hill up there?
Me: Oh yeah.
Things that kept me up all night:

  • The obvious cold that traveled deep into my bones. 
  • The worries that I would surely get hypothermia and freeze to death. 
  • The noises I kept hearing: the wind, bugs in my ears, leaves rustling, squirrels, and the imaginary bear and moose I thought I heard. 
  • Not being able to get comfortable and always being afraid of moving for surely the hammock would fall. 
  • The worries about a bear getting into my poorly hung food bad and thus not having any food for the next day. 
  • The worries that because I was unable to treat my water (the solution was empty), my throat hurt and it felt like I couldn't breathe. It would surely close up and I would die without anyone knowing until Saturday. 
  • I had to pee. 
Things I learned:

About myself:

  • My emotions dictate my actions.
  • I can't relax. I must always be in a rush.
  • Bug LOVE me!
About stuff:
  • Hammocks suck unless used in extremely hot climates. 
  • Hiking alone sucks. Do not do it.
  • I need three bars of service on my phone in order to make a call. 
One thing that I am disappointed about is that I didn't get any sick cuts or scars. Damn! I did got more than enough bug bites, but I haven't decided if those count yet.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

So today is the day I finally start my long awaited hike by myself. The last two nights I have woken up thinking about how scary it's going to be at night when I'm alone. It's only three nights though. I hope I'll be fine. No one wants me to go. I told my dad (big mistake) as he went into this long story about how this women got murdered while hiking alone, but that was more than ten years ago. I shrugged it off. I mean what else could I do, not go just because now I felt fear? Now, if we never did anything because we were afraid of what could happen, we would never leave our houses and we might as well not be alive. Living, itself, is a fearful thing and anything can happen when you least expect it. So, anyways, I am heading off today around 12. My mom is dropping me off and possibly hiking a couple miles to start. I have it planned for four days but the first and last day are half days so it really comes out to be three days. Ben is supposed to meet me Saturday afternoon. The only thing that I'm nervous about (besides the nights) is my pack being too heavy. I haven't hiked with a pack for about seven months so I don't know how it will go. I'm thinking it weighs about 16 pounds, but not totally sure. Wish me luck!!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Just thought I'd write that today I sat down while on the computer! Also, to top it off, I drank a nice hot cup of peppermint tea while I sat!
Today I woke up with the same renewed feeling as I had had last night. I felt ready to take on the day and really listen to my body. I started my day of with a nice breakfast of a fried egg over chicken with mustard (yeah okay this sounds pretty nasty, but the only thing that counts is that it was deliciousness!)  For lunch (which I ate at 11:30) was almond butter with a banana and cinnamon, which I enjoyed very much. I then went on the computer and of course pulled up facebook and right on the front page were some photos of a friend. I clicked on them and found myself instantly comparing her arms to my arms, legs to my legs and so on. I couldn't help it. I was amazed how one little photo could ruin my good feelings. I felt so disgusting and fat in that moment that I had to find a way to feel better. I went to my room and stared at my body in the mirror. I looked at my arms and at one angle they looked skinny and nice but at another angle they looked big and flabby. I looked at my legs and decided they were fine, they passed the test. I spend the most time on my stomach, sucking it in and out and tensing it to see my abs. I liked my abs usually, but today they weren't good enough. I turned to the side and didn't like what I saw. My stomach wasn't thin enough to seem invisible and this disturbed me. I must have been in my room for thirty minutes doing this, when finally I decided that what I was doing was just plain stupid. I went for a walk to get some fresh air and to clear my head. As I walked I reminded myself that I wanted to be strong and healthy, not weak and sick. I cried and asked the trees if it would ever be possible for me to accept myself. I just want to be okay with my body but the only way I will be okay with it, is if it is thin. I asked myself what being thin meant to me and came up with this answer: being thin means having power. I get my confidence from being the thinnest one in the room. If I can't measure up to someone, or if I don't have the same amazing personality as someone else, well, at least I am smaller than them. I thought about this and came up with the fact that yes this gives me the feeling of power but how long does it last and does it really feel good? So I feel good that I'm smaller than someone for about two minutes which thus leads me to feel like I'm better than them, which is where I get my ounce of confidence, but then I get home and won't eat because I have to keep being smaller than them. This just doesn't even sound right. Who ever said that being thinner than someone else was a good thing? In conclusion, I decided that I'm just not going to get all stressed out over something this small. In the scheme of things, it's not even worth it to compare our bodies because we are all so different and we are all going through changes. I need to do what is best for me and that is eat healthy foods, workout to get stronger, and enjoy myself and my body in the process. 
I feel renewed almost. I read some really helpful and inspiring articles online about eating and so on. I have been feeling as though I am going in the reverse direction when it comes to food lately. I guess it could be considered a good thing, seeing that before, I restricted everything and now I'm going on mini binges. I had another chocolate binge the other day. I found candy melts in both vanilla and chocolate flavors and couldn't stop eating them. The only thing different from my binges to people with binge eating disorder (I think), is that I still stay in my allotted calorie range for the day, which makes me feel semi 'okay'. I seem to feel a continuous mental hunger throughout the day and I follow it to the fridge when it tells me to, even when I know I'm not truly hungry for food. I have a lot of free time throughout my days and thus I become bored very quickly, meaning, I eat. But, again, even though I'm eating basically non-stop all day, I still consume the exact number of calories I allow myself. It may seem like a decent way to eat but I end up feeling extremely guilty and anxious come the night time. Every night for the last two weeks or so, I have gone to bed telling myself that I ate like a monster and that tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow comes and I do it all again! I'm a wreck. However, tonight I found some good articles on how to avoid emotional eating (which is what I think I am doing) and how to avoid eating when you're bored. I really feel strongly about getting to a place where I can eat intuitively with my body and it's true signals. This is my ultimate goal. I do believe I can get there and like I've said before, it's not going to be as easy as I think and I will have to put large amounts of effort into it but it will be worth it when I can eat for health and also for joy. I also know that I may have slip-ups and days where I fall down but the only thing that ever matters is that I get back up each time and start again, and that is what I will be doing tomorrow!
I find it rather amazing and quite incredible actually, how I can go from hating nut butter (mainly because of the high fat and calorie content) to completely being in love with it. I'm pretty sure it's my favorite food and I usually eat it right out of the jar! gasp!

As far as I know, it's pretty concrete that we're moving. My mom keeps complaining about how frustrating and stressful it is to pack but I find it to be very exciting and actually a stress reliever. I'm not really sure why this is, but I love packing up all my things and organizing them into boxes and then getting to a new place and unpacking and organizing all my stuff all over again. This is fun to me.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Mom and i went to harpswell  to look at houses today. we had gone to whole foods for lunch so when she asked if i wanted dinner on the way home i wanted to say no because i was feeling like i didn't need it or want to add any more calories to my day but i know she'd get mad if i didn't have anything. i didn't want anything big and i most definitely didn't want to go out to a restaurant. and what did we do? went out to a small little irish pub that my mom spotted on the side of the road. i was furious inside but had to calm myself down or else this was going to be awful for both of us. we ordered muscles and a small pizza to split. i kept going over in my head that it was going to be okay and that i needed to have dinner and the calories didn't matter. it turned out that i enjoyed the meal very much and i tried to forget about it on the drive home. i thought i did a good job at challenging ed that day. it was extremely hard but i got through it and hey, i'm still alive and happy!
it seems to be that i'm starting to let go of my previous thoughts about food. life is short, so why not enjoy what you're eating and why not try new things and have fun with your food? it's completely ridiculous to think that controlling the food that goes into your mouth will somehow be helpful. i laugh at myself sometimes when i realize how silly that really is. i try to remind myself of this fact when ed is strong. i laugh at him and say fuck it and just go with what i need. sometimes this doesn't always work out i must say but hey i gotta start somewhere right?

i graduated today! it felt good but people kept asking me if i felt any different and i didn't. i saw my friend that i met while i was in klarman. she was also taking the online classes and graduated. i stuck with her most of the day which was nice and i was surprised with my myself that i was able to be open and free around her. it felt comforting. mom, dad, cam, alexa, mike, ben, nicole, pam, and i all went out to dinner at olive garden afterwards. i had looked online before hand at what i was going to get and how many calories it was so i wasn't too nervous. i got steak. but i also got a strawberry lemon aid just for fun. it was nice to just have fun and enjoy the moment and the company. good day i would say.
okay so i figured out that i walk four miles during my morning walk. it takes me about 65 minutes. then i walk another 65 minutes in the afternoon which equals another four miles. that brings my total miles walked for the day at eight miles more or less. yesterday, however, i walked twelve miles because i walked six miles from ben's dad's house to his mom's house and then went to the gym with ben later and ran two miles on the tredmil and walked a mile and then biked three miles on the bike machine. wow was i tired after that day.

i have all my classes in order and my schedule all made for school. i have a lot of free time by the looks of it. i should have no problem going to the gym and being able to workout. it's exciting to know that it could be possible to see ben more often than just the weekends.

i was driving in the rain today and i noticed the wipers moving back and forth on the windshield. i entertained myself by pretending that the left one is the little brother who can't sleep without the door closed so he gets up and shuts the door but the right wiper is the older brother who likes the door open so he gets up after the little brother and opens the door. this is how the windshield gets clean. yes i'm wacked.
i had an episode of eating chocolate. it probably lasted about thirty minutes or so. i just ate any chocolate that i found. i felt so disgusting afterwards. i didn't know what to do cause i just had my dinner calories in chocolate at two in the afternoon. i could hear ed in my head getting louder and there was no way i was going to do what her said. throw up. i refused. i needed to block him out or i wasn't going to get through this. there was only one thing i could do and that was forgive and forget. that is forgive myself for binging and forget it nd then i had to move on with my day. this was hard to fathom at first. how could i ever forgive myself for this horrible crime. i was surely a terrible person now. binging is so bad. but if i thought like this i'd get nowhere and just feel worse. i kept telling myself over and over again that no, i'm not a bad person and it was okay to have done what i did. it wasn't like i ate chocolate all the time. this was one day where i "had fun" with food and ate what i wanted. i had to basically tell myself to shut up and stop being such a freak. okay so i ate chocolate, and a lot of it, but what's the big deal? it was good and that's what counts right? haha. 

Monday, June 13, 2011

Holding Ben today felt like the first time I've ever held him. It was like no other day. I just felt a pure warmth and deep love radiating from him. Peaceful. I could have held him all day long and been in heaven.
No more whipped cream, monster drinks, chocolate, ice pops, etc.
My plan for the rest of the day: lunch at 12, abs, weights, go for a run.
Foods I need to start eating but am finding difficult:

  • avocado
  • olive oil
  • butter
  • coconut oil
  • nuts and seeds (besides almonds)
Almonds. Oh how I love you. I'm so sorry I haven'y noticed you before. You are so good and also so good for my body. Thank you.

I just found out yesterday that my friend (who has anorexia) is having a feeding tube surgically inserted into her stomach in order to feed her. I hope it helps her but I'm not sure it will. I feel like sometimes she uses her eating disorder as a crutch and gets attention from it when it's not something you should really be too proud of. I know I've talked about how I sometimes feel an odd sense of pride by being thin and having a struggle but I don't make excuses and try to get attention out of it. I don't know.
I think it was last week that Ben and I went to the beach. Since we went to the less crowded side there weren't too many people there. I felt self-conscious but less than normal I think. It's hard to tell. I kept thinking about what other people were thinking about me and my body. Did they think I was thin or most likely that I was rather heavy? I felt outstandingly white. Whiter than the actual sand. My thighs felt and looked bigger than normal and my stomach poked out more than I was comfortable with. I tried my best to stay calm. I lost it for a couple of minutes, felt a wave of grossness and self pity come over me, but I let it pass and jumped in the water with Ben.

I weighed myself at the YMCA last week. It said 104lbs. That's 1lb lighter than the last time I weighed myself there. Strangely enough I found myself feeling a sense of worth and happiness, but I knew I shouldn't feel those, so I told myself that this was bad (which it was) and that I needed to get back up to a good weight. 104lbs was the weight that Klarman would take me back at, and there is no way I am every going back there.

Last week I went for a hike. I ran into two groups of two people. I had two very short but good conversations with them. I was proud of myself for not clamming up and just being able to actually talk. I also felt rather strong hiking. I didn't have to stop as many times as on my last hike. It was pretty fun all together. Good day.

Okay, so when do you draw the line between what you know is potentially really bad for you but what you never could imagine living without? grrr. I just read numerous articles about the deadly effects of aspartame in gum. If you don't know already, I am addicted to gum and probably have about a pack a day! I think the aspartame is affecting me though because I do get stomach cramps and pain from too much gum, so I see the dangers in eating it. It's just the fact that I depend on it to keep my mouth occupied so I don't think about eating as much. I am going to try to cut back though.

So apparently eating full fat foods like nuts and butter is good for you. I'm trying to wrap my brain around this fact but it's very difficult. I see the fat content on certain foods and usually run from it but now I need to try to incorporate these scary food into my diet. I have to remember that eating fat doesn't mean it's going to make me fat.

Okay so this no gum thing is harder than I thought it was going to be. I feel like without something constantly in my mouth, all I want to do is eat. My mouth has like an awful taste lets just say it sucks...
Lately I've been feeling like my arms have gotten bigger or something. Is this true or is this just ED playing tricks on me? I have to constantly remind myself that my arms are beautiful and that I want to be strong rather than look like a skeleton. Do I really want to look like I could fall apart at any given moment? No. That's not me. I'm strong and healthy and I want to look this way.
I just get so depressed when I compare my self (body) to certain people. ED is so strong in these moments of worthiness. She's smaller than you, you're fat compared to her. Shut up! I am my own self and don't have to be the thinnest. If you're not smaller than her, you lose. You're worthless and no one will ever love you. You have failed. His voice is like no other, constantly bantering me about how I need to be smaller and thinner. As these thoughts are running through my mind, I begin to get down on myself and all my progress, thinking that it's worthless, that I'm worthless, that maybe I don't want recovery and so on. ED has a way of manipulating me into thinking that I need him in order to feel good and be good. He tricks me into feeling fat and gross and especially guilty.

I don't have to be the smallest and I won't win anything by being thinner than others except a death sentence. I need to believe that I can be myself and have whatever body I have and be lovable just the same. I have to remember that all bodies go through stages where they change and reshape themselves.

I need to be good to my body. I need to give it what it needs and also what it wants. I need to think about myself and not about others when it comes to food and eating and bodies.

No one has it all together. So, I look at her from the outside, seeing her only now and again and think that she is perfect. Perfect life, perfect body, perfect everything. But how do I know she's not struggling with something? Everybody has something that they are going through.

I felt so good about stuff and then one little encounter with her ruined everything. Not at all her fault. 100% mine. All the good feelings vanished once I saw her and I'm back to criticizing myself and feeling worthless and fat and gross. I can't let one little thing ruin me. That's pathetic really. No one can hurt me or make me feel like than besides myself and it's exactly what I did. But I am not going to let it control the rest of my day. I need to believe in myself and believe that I am beautiful and  worthy of love and all good things.

Think about all the things you want to do in your life, all the things you know you are capable of and that you are good at. Being thin is not among those things. Being thinner than other people will not bring you happiness, in fact, it'll only bring you depression, irritability,  and struggle. Being thin won't make you any more lovable or beautiful. There is so much more to life than stressing about being a certain weight or what foods you eat.

I have been noticing people's faces lately. Looking at their smiles, hearing their laughter, watching their eyes twinkle. Then when I look at their bodies, some are large, some are small, and some are in between. They all looked so incredibly happy and joyful. Being happy isn't limited to what size your body is or how much you weigh, happiness is in the way you see yourself and how much you believe in who you are.

Have you ever noticed the models for online clothing stores being super thin? I think that they actually don't look healthy at all. However, on certain other store sites they have normal looking models who look very healthy and strong. There is a clear difference in the two model types the sites use. You can tell how alive and good the real models look as opposed to the scary skinny ones. Just something I've been noticing the last couple of days.

I'm trying so hard to eat like a normal person but it's so hard considering a normal person will eat what they want even if it may not be the healthiest thing. When I try to eat what I want, I get feelings of guilt and worthlessness, which thus makes me feel fat and disgusting and like I'm giving up.