Monday, June 13, 2011

I just get so depressed when I compare my self (body) to certain people. ED is so strong in these moments of worthiness. She's smaller than you, you're fat compared to her. Shut up! I am my own self and don't have to be the thinnest. If you're not smaller than her, you lose. You're worthless and no one will ever love you. You have failed. His voice is like no other, constantly bantering me about how I need to be smaller and thinner. As these thoughts are running through my mind, I begin to get down on myself and all my progress, thinking that it's worthless, that I'm worthless, that maybe I don't want recovery and so on. ED has a way of manipulating me into thinking that I need him in order to feel good and be good. He tricks me into feeling fat and gross and especially guilty.

I don't have to be the smallest and I won't win anything by being thinner than others except a death sentence. I need to believe that I can be myself and have whatever body I have and be lovable just the same. I have to remember that all bodies go through stages where they change and reshape themselves.

I need to be good to my body. I need to give it what it needs and also what it wants. I need to think about myself and not about others when it comes to food and eating and bodies.

No one has it all together. So, I look at her from the outside, seeing her only now and again and think that she is perfect. Perfect life, perfect body, perfect everything. But how do I know she's not struggling with something? Everybody has something that they are going through.

I felt so good about stuff and then one little encounter with her ruined everything. Not at all her fault. 100% mine. All the good feelings vanished once I saw her and I'm back to criticizing myself and feeling worthless and fat and gross. I can't let one little thing ruin me. That's pathetic really. No one can hurt me or make me feel like than besides myself and it's exactly what I did. But I am not going to let it control the rest of my day. I need to believe in myself and believe that I am beautiful and  worthy of love and all good things.

Think about all the things you want to do in your life, all the things you know you are capable of and that you are good at. Being thin is not among those things. Being thinner than other people will not bring you happiness, in fact, it'll only bring you depression, irritability,  and struggle. Being thin won't make you any more lovable or beautiful. There is so much more to life than stressing about being a certain weight or what foods you eat.

I have been noticing people's faces lately. Looking at their smiles, hearing their laughter, watching their eyes twinkle. Then when I look at their bodies, some are large, some are small, and some are in between. They all looked so incredibly happy and joyful. Being happy isn't limited to what size your body is or how much you weigh, happiness is in the way you see yourself and how much you believe in who you are.

Have you ever noticed the models for online clothing stores being super thin? I think that they actually don't look healthy at all. However, on certain other store sites they have normal looking models who look very healthy and strong. There is a clear difference in the two model types the sites use. You can tell how alive and good the real models look as opposed to the scary skinny ones. Just something I've been noticing the last couple of days.

I'm trying so hard to eat like a normal person but it's so hard considering a normal person will eat what they want even if it may not be the healthiest thing. When I try to eat what I want, I get feelings of guilt and worthlessness, which thus makes me feel fat and disgusting and like I'm giving up.

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