Monday, April 30, 2012

Foodie PenPal Reveal!

Happy Monday Beautifuls!

Month two of participating in Foodie PenPals and I love it! 
Thank you to Lindsay for putting this awesomeness together every month!! 

This month I was paired with Cindy over at Vegetarian Mamma. 

This is what arrived!! 
(I was smiling ear to ear)

Hail Merry Pecans
Two think thin crunch bars
Pirates Booty

Mary's Gone Crackers/Sticks
Crunchmaster crackers
Cliff Kid Z Fruit

Primal Vegan Jerky Bars (my fav!!)
Now Newton Bar
NoGii Bar

 Lipton Green Tea To Go
Pamela's Chocolate Brownie Mix
El's Medleys 

So, as you can see, there was a lot in the box!! I was so overwhelmed but so crazy happy! There were a lot of new-to-me foods which is always fun, as I love trying new things! As I mentioned above there were like five primal vegan jerky strips which are my favorite things ever so I was ecstatic when I saw those! 

Thanks Cindy! You're great :)

Hope you're Monday is going amazing! Don't forget to enter my giveaway, it ends tonight!


Friday, April 27, 2012

Rainy hiking and a Superfood Giveaway!

Hello sweet peas!

I just got back from an attempted hiking trip. It failed. I had plans on hiking in Crawford Notch but when I got up there is was raining cats and dogs so I turned around. I was very disappointed. 
However, as I was driving back home I saw a little trail that said Frankenstein Cliff and it had stopped raining a bit so I pulled over and decided to hike here. Here are some photos from this:

It was just a tad scary walking across that train big deal. It was fun though and I turned a negative into a positive which was awesome. 
As I got back into Jackson, it was nice and sunny so I decided to hike up Double Head Mountain, which is basically right next to my Dad's house. It's only 1.2 miles up but it was nice. Here's some photos from this...

I forgot how steep this little hike was so my legs were burning a bit, but I basically ran down because it was snowing at the top and I was freezing! 

Without further ado, let's talk giveaway shall we?!!

Last month I received this package in the mail from Superfood Snacks Inc. 

This company was so nice that they wanted to giveaway one of each of they're four flavored raw chocolate ball snacks! Which, by the way, are amazing! 

The flavors are..

Chocolate Cherry Qi

Brazilian Chocolate Ecstasy

Chocolate Gogi Treats

Green Chocolate Dream
To find out more about Superfood Snacks and their story check out their website and poke around!!

To enter:

Comment below on which flavor you'd most like to try!

Like Superfood Snacks Inc on facebook

And that's it, super easy right?? 

I will pick the winner Monday night at 9pm!!

Hope you have an awesome Friday and Weekend loves! :)

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

{dare to be you}

I just had a semi melt down. I cried. And then cried some more. And then I decided I didn't want to be miserable anymore so I picked myself up, took a shower and now I feel better.

What I cried about you might ask? My body. The way I have been feeling. About eating lunch. All of the above.

It seems to never stop. The feelings of grossness, worthlessness, wanting to look a certain way. I wanted to skip lunch and not eat altogether but I have come so damn far.

How can I turn back now? It'd be so easy, obviously. But I am better than Ed. I am more than capable to fight him. I know I will win this. 

When? I don't know. Someday.

Anyhoo, a couple of days ago I was reading Kaila's blog and came across an older post of hers called Body Love and thought it was something I should do, especially since I am feeling on the low end of any kind of body love right now. Sometimes the best way to fight the crappy "fat" feelings is to fight back with positive things you love about your body and also just who you are overall, because technically it's the inside that counts, not the outside.

So basically you pick five things you love about your body, so here goes...

1) I love my eyes. I must say though, I haven't always felt this way. I once thought they were "too round" and "big" but now I see them as beautiful because I love their color. In natural light they're a hazel/brown color but in different lighting they change to green, deep blue and then back to hazel again. How cool!

2) I love my hands. I used to compare my hands to others thinking that mine were so veiny and "not normal" but then I realized that my mom and I had the same hands and that was so cool to me. My fingers are long and twiggy which sometimes people comment on but I love what they look like. Caring hands is what I call them. 

3) I love my hair. Again, something I haven't always loved. I remember when I was in fourth grade I got pissed because someone said my hair was red. I denied and said "no, it's brown." Now, though, I love my red hair. It's not bright red, more like a bronze/copper color which is really pretty in the light. I always get compliments on it when I go to the hairdressers, they can't believe it's natural haha.

4) I love my arms. This is kinda a tough one. I had to think about it for a bit but yeah I do love them. My arms were the first sign that I was sick. I remember my mom commenting on how she could wrap her fingers around them which made me feel pretty bad. But I've come a long way and I can honestly say now that my arms and I are good friends. 

5)  I love my veins. Yeah, I'm weird like that. At one point, I didn't want people to see my veiny arms and hands but I don't care now. My veins are pretty visible everywhere so I just got used to it and think their pretty awesome!

What are five things you love about yourself? 

After writing that I was surprised that I could actually think of more than five! What an accomplishment considering that just a couple of months ago, I couldn't even tell you one thing. Kinda sad. I'm glad I love myself now {well, getting there anyways}. 

Which brings me to my next point I want to make/talk about. Owning your beauty. This has been something that I have been thinking about for a while now and I think it's so true. I found a quote the other day and it really make me think about some things. 

"Step into your beauty and own it."
The quote brought up a lot of different things for me. The notion of owning my beauty has been huge for me lately. I just recently starting applying this to my life. When I pulled out of school after the first semester, I was lost and I felt like a complete failure. People would ask me what I was doing now and I was so embarrassed to say "I don't know". But then, something inside me broke and I finally realized that I was right where I needed to be. I had no clue what I was doing at that school anyways so no wonder I hated it. I didn't know what the heck I wanted to do with my life and I thought I was hopeless. Everyone knows what they want to do when they're eighteen right? Yeah right haha. 

Anyhoo, I started just going with the flow, and when someone asked me what my plan was, I proudly said, "no clue!" and I owned it. I didn't care what people thought anymore because I knew what I was doing and I believed in myself. I needed to take time to figure out what I wanted and that's what I did. 

I know that really doesn't have to do with "beauty" per say, but the same thing is true with that as well. When you finally realize that you are indeed beautiful, you need to step into it and truly own it. Own it like you have never before. Be proud of yourself and what you have. That is the biggest thing I have learned in the past couple of months. Learning to be proud of what I am and what I have. I don't have all the cool new gadgets and fancy things others have but guess what? who cares! I have everything that I need and I am happy with that! I am also proud my my own unique beauty and although I still sometimes wish I had that nose or those legs, I know that I am perfect just the way I am. I don't need to be anything other than me in order to be loved and cared about. If other people can't see that, then I don't want them in my life anyways. 

Wow, sorry for all the ramble haha, but I hope that covers what I was trying to say. You deserve to feel beautiful and happy. Go and own your beauty. You're worth it. 

I hope you have a wonderful Wednesday Beautifuls <3

Monday, April 23, 2012

{monday loves}

!Happy Monday you beautiful things!

I'm loving Monday's lately...mostly because I know I'm getting one day closer to seeing Ben again. Two weeks. God, I miss him so much it hurts. 

I've read other blogs where they do a day of "loves" and I thought it'd be cool to do my own. So here goes...

My new favorite song. Luke Bryan-Drunk On You. 

I'm drunk on you baby. 

I finally tried a melon bowl after seeing other people doing it. Yeah, I'm a follower, it's true. 

I filled it with plain chobani yogurt, Down to Earth trail mix, and some stevia for sweetness. I just tried this trail mix and It's crazy good. If you haven't tried it, go their Facebook page and order some! It's worth it. 

Being at my Dad's means driving this beast. It's over-the-top loud and makes me feel like a bad-ass driving it around town. I love it. I will get a truck that makes noise when I grow up. Ha. 

I finally got one of these babies (kobocha squash). Again, I saw others doing it, so I did it too. I'm so bad. But I don't know know I survived without these for so's my new favorite food. It's like a new kind of wonderful. 

I received this package in the mail a couple of weeks ago from MacroLife Naturals and LOVE love love it. I have yet to try the bars, but  my Mom says they are the best she's ever had so yeah. Lately, I have been making energy drinks with the Macro Coco Greens (for kids) and I swear, it's the best thing in the whole world. Actually all of these products are. I will be making an order soon for sure. 

Yesterday I found some quotes on my pinterest board and wrote them out using sharpies and then used pixlr to make them look cool. I like this one the best, for obvious reasons too...I am very uncommon :)

I have been seriously loving this stuff. It took me only five days to finish off one jar...

Random photo I took. I like the angle. 

Props if you can find my name. 


Marlin decided to let me know he wanted a cookie. That's his cookie box he has in his mouth if you couldn't tell. He wouldn't stop walking around the house so I struggled to get a clear picture. Anyhoo, he did get a cookie because he is a silly dog. 

I got a box of these fantastic bars. Check out the Journey Bar website to see all the awesome and strange flavors!

I tried the Coconut Curry and it was unbelievable. It's unlike any other granola bar out there because of the totally unique flavors. It seemed like I was having a mini dinner in a snack bar. It was perfect and just right for a savory snack. Try them!

Okay, I think I might have went overboard so I'll stop now. I really hope you are having a good Monday.

You are Beautiful and You are Loved. 

Friday, April 20, 2012

{one day i'll be happy without you}

I hiked today. 
{Crawford Notch.}
Now I don't know what to do with myself. 

I am currently forcing myself not to do some kind of physical activity because I hiked up a mountain today. Isn't that enough Tay? 

Apparently not. 
{Back side of Mt. Washington.}
I'm sitting here thinking whether or not to have something to eat and I'm finding Ed's voice to be really loud. 

"Tay, you're gaining weight just sitting here, what do you think will happen if you eat too?"

"I know Ed, but my stomach is growling and I should listen to my body."

"You only have to listen to me. Plus you haven't done enough today to need more calories yet."

This is the constant battle lately. Although I feel like I have made incredible strides with eating more, the only way I've been doing this is by increasing my exercise. Which kind of defeats the purpose. 

When I think about reducing my exercise, I freak out. Ed gets louder. Then I exercise to make the anxiety go away. It's a vicious cycle. 

But that is what this illness is. A vicious, deadly cycle. 
{View from Mt. Willey.}
In the last month, I have come miles from when I was trapped in relapse. There are many days where I feel "normal" and Ed is on vacation. But then he comes back. 

I don't know if Ed will ever leave me. Or that I will leave him. 

I know this is the negative view and it's depressing to think about my life in this way, but I don't know what to do sometimes. 

Today wasn't a horrible day or anything. I had fun hiking, but I need to start being honest with myself. Exercise is a problem. I'm running my body into a wall. Daily. 

I find myself competing with other people and making sure I get more exercise than them. This is messed up. Who does that?

The other day I walked in the morning, worked my legs and butt when I got back, then went for a three and a half mile run in the afternoon, and then at night I did three sets of abs. 

That's craziness and I know it. 

And Ed loved it. 

I ate well though and that's what counts right? I don't know. 
The problem is, is that I like what my body looks like right now. Since lifting weights I actually have real muscles and I love it. I like that I can see my abs when I look in the mirror. I like the fact that I look strong.

So what's the fear then?

Gaining weight. Durr. 

I don't want to lose what I have now. But I know I'm not mentally healthy, and I'm still underweight by the charts. 

I have prized myself on overcoming a lot of my fears in the past, but this one is not budging. And I'm not sure where to start. 

It's kind of embarrassing to even say that because it's been seven years and I still don't know what to do. I mean, sure, I have learned a lot through all of the ups and downs and have really grown as a person, but hasn't Ed taught me enough?


Obviously there is more learning to do until I am free from this bullshit. 

And even though some days I can't see the light (like today), I know it's there. It's just being blocked by something. I know deep down that I am more than this. 

I am better without Ed. 

Some days I don't know who I will be without him and what my future will look like. Will I be miserable? Happy? Yet other days I can clearly see everything I want for myself and I am happy. 
I hope I am happy without Ed. He likes to convince me otherwise and I tend to listen. But I should really start to listen to somebody else, because this is getting old. 

I don't know if I am strong enough mentally to do anything about the exercise right now, and maybe this isn't the time yet. Or maybe it is. 

I can say that I am willing to listen to what my body needs and try my damndest to do those things. It's not easy and I have never expected it to be, but I am willing, and that's what counts. 

I guess. 

{oh and just so you know, I chose to eat}

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

.waiw number eight and growing up.

I have absolutely no clue how to start this post....HI?!

I guess I'll just put a bunch of photos up and go from there okay? Good. Yay. 

Marlin, sitting shotgun on our run to the store Tuesday. He's such a good companion (although he looks semi-mad in this picture) hmmm. 
 I thought my mom was coming home on Monday from NH, but her car was having issues so she had to stay 'til Tuesday. I had stupidly left my wallet in her car so I couldn't get to the store earlier (I was having Chobani withdraws). But we were finally able to go when she got home. During our store excursion I found this stuff...what? GROUND BISON!!?? Yeps you heard that right. I had spotted it before but this time actually bought it. 

 When I got home, I immediately tried to find out what to do with it, but I wasn't too successful as I just made regular burgers...oh wells, it's still cool. 

 I just used salt and pepper to season the bison...boring, I know. 

I used my hands to mix everything together.

 Then I split it into four patties...

...and individually packed them in freezer bags so I could cook them when I wanted them! It was fun to make something for once (I usually just throw something together two seconds before dinner, which sometimes isn't great). 
Thanks to Jenn for putting this together every week!!


This weekend, because I was out of my beloved Chobani's, I had to force myself to try something new. So I looked around at other blogs and found Katthleen's Chia Pudding. I put it together on Sunday night in order to have it Monday morning and it was perfect! I absolutely LOVED it and I didn't even miss my yogurt!

 My new favorite snack is for sure this wonderful, amazing cottage cheese, protein and blueberries mixture I came up with. I sweetened it with some stevia and it was TO DIE FOR! 

 I finally tried this Blueberry LaraBar with my lunch. It was pretty good, but I'm not really a "bar person" so it wasn't like knock-your-socks-off or anything. I forgot to snap a picture of my awesome salad but basically it was spinach, tobouli, tuna, hummus, guacamole, and feta cheese with a little bit of soy sauce. SO good. 

 Oh you know, what is a post without a photo of me right?!! Just hanging out. 

For dinner I cooked up some Alfresco sausage that was so kindly sent to me for FREE. I topped it on my signature salad mess. I'm pretty sure there was spinach, cottage cheese, toubouli, and feta in there. I also had a sweet potato with coconut manna spread (un pictured), which was DE-LISH! 

 This is by far the best sausage I have ever had. It's a chicken sausage which is cool, not that I don't like red meat or anything :p Anyhoo, Alfresco has many different kinds but the one I tried was Chipotle Chorizo. I had never had this kind and it is definitely a new favorite! 

Marlin's dinner consisted of wonderful salmon and veggie dog food with a glucosamine pill (for his hips). It took him all but like five seconds to scarf it down. Haha silly dog. 

 My night snack was one of these BoBo's Oat Bars...I tired the coconut one. Super good. I'm not sure why they call them bars though, as it tasted more like a muffin, which I'm not complaining about at all. My mom had their lemon poppy seed one the other day and LOVED it. She's addicted. 

 I also had's banana and blueberries mixed with milk and chia seeds thrown on top. If you have never experienced milk with frozen blueberries, you are missing out on some awesome goodness. It's like the milk sticks to the berries and freezes. So good. 
On a more serious note, after reading Tessa's post on Monday it got me thinking about what some of my underlying issues are to this illness. I never liked to admit them to myself but I know that not wanting to grow up is the main one. 
If you have read the "my story" page you know that in sixth grade my body started changing and I unconsciously thought that by restricting calories and thus controlling how my body looked, it would prevent me from having to move on and grow up. Obviously this didn't work because I still grew up and got older, with the only exception being that my body wasn't growing. 
In a recent book I learned that in clinical studies, one's emotional development is halted at the time an eating disorder takes control over them. For me this was twelve, meaning that even though I was getting older, age wise, I still felt like I was twelve. 

I still feel this way now. I don't feel like I'm a nineteen year old women, but rather a twelve year old child. I think this fear of growing up stems from not wanting to accept both the responsibilities that go along with being older, but also the fact that my body is going to change. 
In sixth grade I feared looking like a "women" and thus stopped this process, and yet seven years later I am still doing the same thing. 
Lately, I've been stuck in this continuing battle between finally wanting to truly experience a "womanly" frame and just wanting to stay where I am. I know which one I should pick, and most days I am very content with this new feeling of being a women, yet other days I still go back to being that terrified little girl in the sixth grade. 

It's a confusing concept and sometimes I don't even know what's going on but I know I want to face this fear and each day I can make the decisions to do so (even if Ed intervenes). 

I refuse to let Ed continue to take things from my life. I'm done letting him control me. He has nothing good to offer. Never did, never will. 
So beautiful. 
 I am at my Dad's for a bit in NH which is AWESOME. When I saw the mountains I was so very happy!! I am a true mountain girl at heart that is for sure! The Cafe decided to close for two weeks, so I am free for a bit! What does this mean?...HIKING of course! I can't wait :)

Oh how I have missed you beautiful mountains.
Hope you're all having a great week, loves! 
...and just some inspiration for the rest of the week...