Friday, April 20, 2012

{one day i'll be happy without you}

I hiked today. 
{Crawford Notch.}
Now I don't know what to do with myself. 

I am currently forcing myself not to do some kind of physical activity because I hiked up a mountain today. Isn't that enough Tay? 

Apparently not. 
{Back side of Mt. Washington.}
I'm sitting here thinking whether or not to have something to eat and I'm finding Ed's voice to be really loud. 

"Tay, you're gaining weight just sitting here, what do you think will happen if you eat too?"

"I know Ed, but my stomach is growling and I should listen to my body."

"You only have to listen to me. Plus you haven't done enough today to need more calories yet."

This is the constant battle lately. Although I feel like I have made incredible strides with eating more, the only way I've been doing this is by increasing my exercise. Which kind of defeats the purpose. 

When I think about reducing my exercise, I freak out. Ed gets louder. Then I exercise to make the anxiety go away. It's a vicious cycle. 

But that is what this illness is. A vicious, deadly cycle. 
{View from Mt. Willey.}
In the last month, I have come miles from when I was trapped in relapse. There are many days where I feel "normal" and Ed is on vacation. But then he comes back. 

I don't know if Ed will ever leave me. Or that I will leave him. 

I know this is the negative view and it's depressing to think about my life in this way, but I don't know what to do sometimes. 

Today wasn't a horrible day or anything. I had fun hiking, but I need to start being honest with myself. Exercise is a problem. I'm running my body into a wall. Daily. 

I find myself competing with other people and making sure I get more exercise than them. This is messed up. Who does that?

The other day I walked in the morning, worked my legs and butt when I got back, then went for a three and a half mile run in the afternoon, and then at night I did three sets of abs. 

That's craziness and I know it. 

And Ed loved it. 

I ate well though and that's what counts right? I don't know. 
The problem is, is that I like what my body looks like right now. Since lifting weights I actually have real muscles and I love it. I like that I can see my abs when I look in the mirror. I like the fact that I look strong.

So what's the fear then?

Gaining weight. Durr. 

I don't want to lose what I have now. But I know I'm not mentally healthy, and I'm still underweight by the charts. 

I have prized myself on overcoming a lot of my fears in the past, but this one is not budging. And I'm not sure where to start. 

It's kind of embarrassing to even say that because it's been seven years and I still don't know what to do. I mean, sure, I have learned a lot through all of the ups and downs and have really grown as a person, but hasn't Ed taught me enough?


Obviously there is more learning to do until I am free from this bullshit. 

And even though some days I can't see the light (like today), I know it's there. It's just being blocked by something. I know deep down that I am more than this. 

I am better without Ed. 

Some days I don't know who I will be without him and what my future will look like. Will I be miserable? Happy? Yet other days I can clearly see everything I want for myself and I am happy. 
I hope I am happy without Ed. He likes to convince me otherwise and I tend to listen. But I should really start to listen to somebody else, because this is getting old. 

I don't know if I am strong enough mentally to do anything about the exercise right now, and maybe this isn't the time yet. Or maybe it is. 

I can say that I am willing to listen to what my body needs and try my damndest to do those things. It's not easy and I have never expected it to be, but I am willing, and that's what counts. 

I guess. 

{oh and just so you know, I chose to eat}


  1. Congratulations on feeling better about your muscular body from lifting. :) I dealt with a similar issue and gradually, Ed started visiting me less and less frequently and it became much easier to get it to leave my head. The place where you hiked looks beautiful!

    1. Thank you and yes the hike WAS beatiful :)

  2. i'm glad to know you ate. i'm proud of you, keep fighting. it isn't easy, it's SO freaking hard. but we can do this together! hang in there, you are worth it, and you will be okay without ED.

    1. Thank you and yes, why it this SO hard? haha but I am hanging in there. Stay strong too :)