Sunday, April 8, 2012

don't even think about it...

Don't you dare give Ed a chance to ruin how far you have come.

I must remember this.

Today was a weird day. I worked Easter Brunch at the Cafe and when I got home I figured it would be a good day to take a rest day, and let's just say this "resting" thing and I DO NOT get along. We are not friends. 

I find it hard to not do anything. I mean, I still walk Marlin, but not doing weights is hard to take. I feel like I should be moving and doing things in order to continue to get stronger, but in reality, I know that resting my muscles is what will make them grow. 

There have been several, okay maybe hundreds of comments from Ed throughout the day, trying to convince me to "just workout" or telling me "Tay, you're getting fatter by the minute!"...oh Ed, you silly thing. I know these attacks used to work before, but not today little man. Not today. 

I refuse to let Ed control me. I know I need to be resting today. I had a very stressful six hours of running around, taking people's orders and the last thing I want to do is go for a run or do an arms workout. I know that Ed would LOVE for me to do these things, but I am listening to my body now, not Ed. 

Suck on that, Ed. Suck it. 

Sometimes I need to know when to stop. 

I recently came across a blog today that had some really good posts and yet some not so good ones as well. I started reading one and right away, I could feel Ed sneaking up on me...he was just about to jump on my back when I shut my computer and took a shower instead. 

I knew when enough was enough. 

I could feel Ed's presence and how close he was to making me feel like shit. I couldn't let him do this. 

So I left him. 

It's hard to LIVE life with Ed hanging around on your shoulders. He gets kinda heavy after a while. Not something I want to carry around all the time. 

I'm getting better knowing what causes Ed to rear his ugly head. Actually the other day while I was at the doctor, she asked me what my triggers were. And to be honest, I had no clue! I looked at her like she has fifty heads..wahh?

I knew what she meant by "triggers", but what the hell were mine? 

I took the next couple of days to really reflect on this. Here's what I found...

  • Ed tends to be especially loud when I see someone thinner than me and who is older. I don't know why but ever since Ed and I met, this has been his mode of attack. I can remember being twelve and flipping through some celebrity magazine thinking, "wow, my legs are the same size as hers, but she's thirty and I'm twelve. I'm going to be HUGE when I'm thirty!" Now there's Ed for ya. 
  • Ed likes to make me feel like I'm worthless if I'm not the smallest in the sad. Is this what life is really about people?!! I hope not. I would say this is the biggest of my triggers by far.
  • I'm not sure if this counts but not exercising makes me "run" to Ed all the time. If I have a day where I didn't get my planned routine in or the number of minutes I was hoping for, I will restrict and obey Ed. I hate to admit this, as I know this is not good by any means. 
  • Feeling "fat" or as I like to call it, "gross" or "disgusting" make for days where I throw reality completely out the window and truly believe I am the huge hippo I feel I am. This is when Ed seems so wonderful. He makes it easy to listen to him when he promises to make me feel better about myself (although he never does!)
Those are the triggers that stand out to me the most. There are most definitely more but they all fall pretty much into one of the categories above. 

I don't really know where I was trying to go with this rather long post, but I just had to get my thoughts out so they weren't screwing with my head. This happens a lot. 

I am glad to say that although today has been a battle, I have made it through without giving into Ed and his evil lies.  And that is VERY good thing. 

This is what I would love to do to you, Ed...

Have a good Monday loves!


  1. You are so strong, Tayla. You can do this. Ed doesn't have to be in charge, and you live that -- you are my inspiration. :D

    1. Aw thank you so much!! Ed has no chance :) Stay strong<3

  2. Happy Easter Tayla! I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up with the emails, I kinda deserve a face punch ahaha. Anyhoo, I like this post! It's good that you're talking back to your ED! ED is not YOU and you deserve to live every bit of life that you want to!

    1. Happy Easter to you as well! Haha it's all good! Thanks, yes Ed is totally separate from me which is awesome to know!! Keep up all your hard work too!! :)

  3. Loving the face punch picture. Good for you kicking ED's butt :)

  4. I admire your strength a lot,Tayla - seriously,I know how hard it is to NOT listen to Ed,especially when it comes to excercising. I also rely too much on this and I wish I'd be stronger to be able to work more effectively on this issue!
    You're an inspiration for me,girl,stay strong & keep it up. :)
    Happy Easter!

    1. Kat, thank you! It's not easy by any means but either Ed dies or I do, there's no if, ands, or buts around it. I have to keep reminding myself of this.

      I love reading your blog as well!! Stay strong<3

  5. You have this Tayla... I can tell that you are really taking charge here and recognizing that there is just nothing good/beneficial about this illness! Trying to hang on to it, even in the slightest, makes it that much harder to fight. I know this is the piece I need to work on, I keep hanging onto "something" to keep the illness with me, but this is just setting me back more and more! So frustrating

    1. It's hard to realize this everyday but I am working on it! It takes daily reminders for me to keep pushing through and talking back to the voices but it's been worth it<3

  6. Hey. I found your blog through a friend (Jen, The Closet Narcissist) and I have to say that you are super strong and brave to be fighting ED.... Recently I went for treatment and can relate to how hard it can get. Keep fighting the fight and know that you are a beautiful person.

    1. Thank you! Keep fighting are a beautiful person as well lovely<3