Wednesday, April 25, 2012

{dare to be you}

I just had a semi melt down. I cried. And then cried some more. And then I decided I didn't want to be miserable anymore so I picked myself up, took a shower and now I feel better.

What I cried about you might ask? My body. The way I have been feeling. About eating lunch. All of the above.

It seems to never stop. The feelings of grossness, worthlessness, wanting to look a certain way. I wanted to skip lunch and not eat altogether but I have come so damn far.

How can I turn back now? It'd be so easy, obviously. But I am better than Ed. I am more than capable to fight him. I know I will win this. 

When? I don't know. Someday.


Anyhoo, a couple of days ago I was reading Kaila's blog and came across an older post of hers called Body Love and thought it was something I should do, especially since I am feeling on the low end of any kind of body love right now. Sometimes the best way to fight the crappy "fat" feelings is to fight back with positive things you love about your body and also just who you are overall, because technically it's the inside that counts, not the outside.


So basically you pick five things you love about your body, so here goes...

1) I love my eyes. I must say though, I haven't always felt this way. I once thought they were "too round" and "big" but now I see them as beautiful because I love their color. In natural light they're a hazel/brown color but in different lighting they change to green, deep blue and then back to hazel again. How cool!


2) I love my hands. I used to compare my hands to others thinking that mine were so veiny and "not normal" but then I realized that my mom and I had the same hands and that was so cool to me. My fingers are long and twiggy which sometimes people comment on but I love what they look like. Caring hands is what I call them. 

3) I love my hair. Again, something I haven't always loved. I remember when I was in fourth grade I got pissed because someone said my hair was red. I denied and said "no, it's brown." Now, though, I love my red hair. It's not bright red, more like a bronze/copper color which is really pretty in the light. I always get compliments on it when I go to the hairdressers, they can't believe it's natural haha.

4) I love my arms. This is kinda a tough one. I had to think about it for a bit but yeah I do love them. My arms were the first sign that I was sick. I remember my mom commenting on how she could wrap her fingers around them which made me feel pretty bad. But I've come a long way and I can honestly say now that my arms and I are good friends. 

5)  I love my veins. Yeah, I'm weird like that. At one point, I didn't want people to see my veiny arms and hands but I don't care now. My veins are pretty visible everywhere so I just got used to it and think their pretty awesome!


What are five things you love about yourself? 

After writing that I was surprised that I could actually think of more than five! What an accomplishment considering that just a couple of months ago, I couldn't even tell you one thing. Kinda sad. I'm glad I love myself now {well, getting there anyways}. 

Which brings me to my next point I want to make/talk about. Owning your beauty. This has been something that I have been thinking about for a while now and I think it's so true. I found a quote the other day and it really make me think about some things. 

"Step into your beauty and own it."
The quote brought up a lot of different things for me. The notion of owning my beauty has been huge for me lately. I just recently starting applying this to my life. When I pulled out of school after the first semester, I was lost and I felt like a complete failure. People would ask me what I was doing now and I was so embarrassed to say "I don't know". But then, something inside me broke and I finally realized that I was right where I needed to be. I had no clue what I was doing at that school anyways so no wonder I hated it. I didn't know what the heck I wanted to do with my life and I thought I was hopeless. Everyone knows what they want to do when they're eighteen right? Yeah right haha. 

Anyhoo, I started just going with the flow, and when someone asked me what my plan was, I proudly said, "no clue!" and I owned it. I didn't care what people thought anymore because I knew what I was doing and I believed in myself. I needed to take time to figure out what I wanted and that's what I did. 


I know that really doesn't have to do with "beauty" per say, but the same thing is true with that as well. When you finally realize that you are indeed beautiful, you need to step into it and truly own it. Own it like you have never before. Be proud of yourself and what you have. That is the biggest thing I have learned in the past couple of months. Learning to be proud of what I am and what I have. I don't have all the cool new gadgets and fancy things others have but guess what? who cares! I have everything that I need and I am happy with that! I am also proud my my own unique beauty and although I still sometimes wish I had that nose or those legs, I know that I am perfect just the way I am. I don't need to be anything other than me in order to be loved and cared about. If other people can't see that, then I don't want them in my life anyways. 


Wow, sorry for all the ramble haha, but I hope that covers what I was trying to say. You deserve to feel beautiful and happy. Go and own your beauty. You're worth it. 

I hope you have a wonderful Wednesday Beautifuls <3

7 comments:

  1. Tayla, this is a truly wonderful post and you had better believe I can relate to what you are saying and understand all of it! I love that you took the time to say what you LOVE about yourself... this is so very important, especially when we are feeling down and crappy about ourselves. And this is something that happens wayyyy too often. Thank you for this reminder, I need it today and lately

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    1. Thanks! I'm glad you found it helpful <3

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  2. I am SO glad you said your hair! From one red head to another, when I was in elementary school I used to get mad when people said I had brown hair! No way jose it's 100% red, I know you're jealous but deal! Natural red heads are a rare breed, we're a couple of the lucky ones :)

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    1. Haha yes I love being a red head now! We are lucky<3

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  3. I just found your blog and I love it! I too am in recovery from an eating disorder. It's a hard journey but I'm told worth it! Love this post. I have to remind myself what I like about my body and also how when it is healthy is when I can really live. :)
    -Kate

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    1. Aw thanks! I am going to poke around your blog in a bit!!! Yes, it'll be worth it when we don't have to just survive but rather THRIVE instead<3

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  4. Hey Tayla! This is such an amazing post! You are beautiful, JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!!! :)

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