Sunday, July 31, 2011

things i learned on the road trip:

1. patience
2. patience
3. patience
things that make me poopy:

1. being hot
2. being hungry
3. being tired
4. being around a lot of people
5. not feeling good about myself/body
6. driving in crowed areas
"all the stress that we feel is caused by arguing with what it." -byron katie
i'm having a hard time choosing a major because i want to do everything.
it's so much better when i have breakfast later in the morning, like around ten, because then i don't eat as much compared to if i ate breakfast at seven and then again at ten. it feels better obviously.
i've decided that if i want to appear normal (or somewhat normal) while going out to eat for breakfast, eggs are the best solution and safest bet. all other breakfast foods served at a regular diner are pretty bad. you have to get either poached or hard boiled though, in order to avoid the oil used in fried eggs.
i read in brene brown's book that part of mindfulness is not over exaggerating your emotions. this is something i do all the time and something i need to work on. i tried it last night when i got depressed about my body and not being able to exercise. right away i went into panic mode, thinking how i was going to gain all kinds of weight and thinking that my body was so disgusting, but then i had to remind myself that i was exaggerating everything and that i was going to be okay. i reminded myself that my body size doesn't equal my worth. i need to tone down my emotions (yes, i can be quite the drama queen at times!) because i tend to get carried away and caught up in them, when in reality things arn't as bad as i think.
i know this isn't good, but i figured out (well i kinda always knew this) that hunger pains will subside if you wait them out....

where did i get the belief that being thin equals power and worth? that's the underlying issue for me.
"don't shrink. don't puff up. stand on your sacred ground." -Brene Brown
driving and sitting in the car all day is making me feel so disgusting and lazy. i feel like i'm getting fatter by the minute, which i know isn't true in reality but still. i just have to remember that it's okay, and it's not forever, and i'm not going to die. i'll be fine.
okay so utica sucked. i hated the campus (wished i had went to visit beforehand), the dorms were trashy, the walls were like a puke turquoise color and everything felt cold. i hated utica as a city in general, it's not easy to get around (there wasn't one time we drove around and we didn't get lost. i'm re-thinking the nursing major...not sure if it's truly what i want....
question: can we love others more than me love ourselves?
sitting on the rocks at some lake in burlington, vermont and even though it's windy, it feels so refreshing. i'm just watching ben and brian swim around (too cold for me). I'm not looking forward to dinner though. eh.

utica for orientation tomorrow and i'm not looking forward to it at all. nervous as hell. it'll be find though, i hope. if i can just go with the flow and be myself i'll be okay. i think.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

things i'm afraid of(on-going):

1. meeting new people
2. being in a crowd
3. saying what's on my mind
4. what people think of me
5. what people are going to say
6. making new friends
7. teachers
8. loosing the internet
9. college
10. the real world
11. seeing people i know
12. the grocery store
13. any place where people are
14. not being good enough for someone else
15. feeling out-of-place
16. being forgotten
17. being bored
18. life
19. my wedding
20. being the focus of something
21. not having enough money
22. not being successful

Sunday, July 10, 2011

just took a shower and all i saw in the mirror was a skeleton. i leaned back and all my ribs popped out everywhere, chest all the way down my sides. my collarbones were clearly visible as they jutted out from my shoulders. i took in the view. the sight of bones gave me an oddly wonderful feeling. a feeling that tells me everything is okay and i'm worth it. sad.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Had a really good day today (for the most part). I recently found a very amazing blog all about...dundundun...FOOD. I love it. It's not just any other website about food and recipes, this one gets into how each food is helping your body, what nutrients it has in it and most of the recipes are raw or vegan. It's written so wonderfully that when I stumbled across it, I spent all day reading it. I just couldn't stop. So yesterday and today I have been reading up and learning about new foods and recipes to try. I went to the store and stocked up on some things and today I used what I got to make a few things! Let's start with last nights dinner: I made mashed quinoa with kale, salsa, mustard and chia seeds and for desert my mom and I made chocolate avocado pudding (made with raw cacao powder). Today's breakfast consisted of a rye pancake crisp or better known as a socca with peach slices, chopped nuts, chia seeds, and a little bit of agave nectar. For a snack I cooked up a sweet potato and just added some salt and cinnamon. I spent the rest of the afternoon busy in the kitchen making a bunch of things to bring on my road trip next week including: black bean lentil burgers, sweet potato falafel burgers, kale ricotta cheese dip, banana sorbet, and date nut energy bars.

I found this kind of eating/cooking is so beneficial for me, for one, because it gets me to cook my meals instead of just snacking throughout the day and two, it helps me to really know all the good things I'm feeding my body and nourishing myself with, which is huge, in my opinion. I would so much rather think of food as medicine than just food. I love knowing that just by having an avocado I am reducing my risk of heart disease, lowering cholesterol, reducing my risk of colon cancer and breast cancer, protecting my eyes against macular degeneration and cataracts, getting vitamin K, calcium for strong bones, and vitamin C to boost my immune system!! Oh! and they also have essential omega 3 fatty acids which help reduce cholesterol, lower the risk of heart attack and stroke, boost the immune system, control viral infections, improve brain function, and relieve symptoms of inflammatory condition such as arthritis! Isn't that just amazing! It makes me want to eat all those good and healthy foods knowing what I'm giving my body!! 

I feel like I have a total new view on food and eating now! I feel so excited to make things and actually eat them! I have a new appreciation for food because of what I'm learning. 

Wow. Okay, so now back to why my day was amazing "for the most part". I felt like I was so supper happy all day until dinner time. I got a call from my mom about college and what we are now going to owe for this year. I couldn't believe it. Why the heck, does college need to be so freakin expensive? Any who, now I will be paying off college for the rest of my life! How amazing is that? I know it'll all work out some how or another though. I hope...