Friday, September 28, 2012

{questions from the heart}

There are so many answers to this it's overwhelming. To start, I would have to say that I definitely couldn't lift anywhere close to what I am lifting now at the gym. I am strong now! I was not capable of eating what I am eating now, i.e. avocado, peanut butter, protein smoothies, etc. A year ago I was back-sliding into a relapse and now I am stronger and healthier than I have ever been! I can ask for help and tell people what I need better than a year ago. I used to keep my feelings bottled up, afraid that I wasn't good enough to voice them. I can stand up for myself and I am proud of myself and I love myself more than ever. 
A lot can happen in a year I guess. 

A lot of things. Different things. I want to be known for my love towards others, my artistic skills, my writing.  I want people to think of me and think of someone who is successful, someone who believes in herself, someone who didn't change in order for people to like her. I want to be known for staying true to myself, for being open and honest, for having passions, for being a good athlete, for being a wonderful mother (someday), for being friendly and warm. 
I want to be known for being me. 

My fear of failing has a tight grip on me. It has kept me from opening up to people, making friends, participating in things I love. It has kept me from trying new things, putting myself out there, feeling uncomfortable. I fear that I cannot do things right so I don't do them. I fear being judged, being made fun of, being laughed at. I fear people's thoughts about me, so I isolate myself, I keep to myself, I don't say much, I try to be perfect. Fear has kept me from fully living my life. 

To be loved. To find the one person I could spend the rest of my life with. To get married in the mountains to the love of my life. To have children who I could love and care for. To be happy. 

My freedom. My body. My heart. No body can take anything from me as long as I don't let them. I will always be in control of myself unless I give someone the permission to control me. My happiness will always be mine. 

So many things. I am proud every time I walk into the weight room at my gym because I know I could just walk out due to fear, but I don't. I always leave my workout feelings good about myself, body and soul. I am truly proud of my win at the RAID race last weekend. I never do anything like that and I could have easily backed out but I stuck it out and finished strong. I am proud of myself for finding jobs and learning the skills needed for each one. They are way out of my comfort zone. I am proud of myself for getting back up after my relapse. I picked myself up on my own and started weight training which was the best decision of my life. I am proud of myself for eating good and healthy foods and enough to fuel my body. I am proud of myself for being me. 

That growing up would be awesome. I used to wish that I could just be older, that I could live on my own, that I could make my own rules, be by myself, and that everything would be great and dandy. I don't wish this so much anymore. Growing up and being on my own isn't as great as I thought it would be. In some ways, it is. I get to be free, but there is so much responsibility now that I didn't have to have before. Don't let your life pass you by because you'll soon wish for it back. 

<3 Tayla 

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

{random eats and new recipes}

It's Wednesday! 

Thanks to Jenn for putting WIAW together every week :)

Here's some of my random photos from the past week. 

I cooked "oats" using this recipe! They were alright, I wasn't really a fan of the egg white texture but they were pretty good. 

I tried out a new bar, the good bean's chocolate berry! Super good. 

Squash with chicken nuggets from gardien, olives and hummus on the side. 

My go-to morning mug cake from health diva! I tried it with a little bit of hazelnut flour and topped it with chocolate protein goo!

The best smoothie ever taken from alexandra! I added peppermint stevia which made it to be banana-coconut-peppermint protein smoothie!

My go-to lunch: brown rice wrap filled with hummus, kale and salsa with some mustard!

That's about it for now! Hope you're having an awesome week <3

Sunday, September 23, 2012

"Kraving" a Challenge

I mentioned a while ago in one of my posts (I'm too lazy to link back to it) about how I signed up to participate in the RAID challenge course in September. If you don't know what this consists of, it's basically one of those really popular races in which you run and then jump and climb over a bunch of obstacles until you reach the finish. 

Anyhoo, I was planning on training for it, but I really hate running and kept putting everything off, I mean I did my regular weights routine with some sprinting here and there but no formal "race training" per say. I didn't even know how to do a broad jump burpee until I got to that part of the race haha. I'm so great. 

So the race was down on a beach in southern Maine, which made everything a bit more difficult. Granted most of the sand was wet but in spots the sand was so deep that it was a challenge just to run straight. It lasted for about three miles, so not too long, but considering I never run more than like half a mile at one time, it was a long ways. 

Ben and I drove down Friday night and stayed at his mom's. Saturday morning we got up at 5:45am in order to make it there to pick up my pre-race packet at 7:30am. I didn't warm-up too much and then all of a sudden my age group was called to the start. I went off with 16-29 year olds females, but I only really competed with the 16-19 year olds. 

The obstacles consisted of lobster trap hurdles, balance beam, cargo net climb, cobblestone hill climb, sand bag carry, marine hurdles, broad jump burpees, bear crawls, walking lunges, cargo net crawl and the finish wall. 

I was pretty much dead after the sand bag carry and thought I was going to throw up the whole time when I was running, but someone I placed first in my age group! Woot, go me. I won a pretty cool medal and a t-shirt. Awesome right? I know. 

I didn't even take one photo because I forgot my ipod. Major fail. Oh well. I'm hoping the event people will put some on facebook sometime soon...maybe they got a good one of me or something. Ben was so sweet, he ran right beside me up on the side walk almost the whole way, cheering me on. Isn't he cute? Awww. 


Anyhoo, I bet you're wondering why my title is spelled wrong. Oh you didn't notice? Well, now you do. And yes it was on purpose. See, I got a package from Krave Jerky the day before the race so right in time for some good race fuel! 

It's no secret that I love, love, love any kind of jerky. I've tried beef, turkey, ostrich, and even salmon and all have been amazing! So when I got some from a new company that I have been dying to try, I freaked out and dug right into the first pack. 

Then the second. 

And then the third. 

Of course these were all on separate days. I didn't actually go from one bag to the other in one day, but I easily could have. This was the BEST jerky I have ever had! I loved every single bite. 

Each flavor was different and outstandingly good. 

I have two bags left, smoky grilled teriyaki and basil citrus, but I know they won't last too's a good thing I have an awesome health food store that carries this amazing stuff because I will definitely be buying more!

Have you ever tried Krave Jerky? Did you like it?!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

{WIAW} The Best Overnight Oats

Okay so it's been about two weeks since starting my new plan with Tara and I have learned some things along the way. 

1. Before this, I was eating like no carbs! 

2. I need variety in my meals or else I become bored and tend not to look forward to anything having to do with food. 

3. Protein shakes are wonderful. 

Moving on, here are some of the meals I have been enjoying. 

A dinner bowl consisting of lettuce, carrots, mixed lentils, and al fresco chicken sausage, sprinkled with feta cheese. 

My best lunch yet: coconut oil steak tips with a hummus and mango salsa wrap, carrots and avocado on the side. Ben took part in helping me with the steak and he loved them as well!

A dinner of chicken (cooked in olive oil!), fava beans with feta cheese and a big ol' bowl of kobocha squash topped with ketchup. 

My post-workout shake consisting of water, chocolate protein powder, Bikram Balance greens powder and peppermint stevia!

A full breakfast of eggs with feta cheese, carrots on the side and a bowl of oats with chia seeds. 

Lunch: salad of carrots, peas, mango salsa and shrimp!

I finally got around to making my own almond butter and it was highly successful! I even decked it out with my own homemade wrapper. 

Been drinking tea lately...gingeng energy to be exact. Heavenly. I love Yogi Tea because of all the nice sayings on their bags. The beauty in you is your soul.

I have even been getting creative when it comes to oats! Here's my favorite way to enjoy overnight oats. 

Strawberry-Peppermint Overnight Oats

What you need:

1/4 cup Bob's Red Mill Museli
1/3 Cup Coconut Almond Milk
1 T Chia Seeds
Frozen Mixed Fruit
Peppermint Stevia

Mix all ingredients together in a mug and let sit overnight. Wake up the next morning excited to eat the best oats ever!

Another Dinner of salmon cakes, a side of avocado and some carrots. I'm pretty sure I ate a whole bowl of kobocha squash after this too!

As for my workouts...they were something to get used to. I was not too happy about having to do higher reps as I usually go for heavy with few reps, but I'm better with it now and actually have been seeing improvements in my tone!

One of my workout you can see I like to make sure I cross everything off! Haha. 

Favorite song at the moment: David Nail-That's How I'll Remember You

Friday, September 14, 2012

Giving Up The Scale: How Weight Training Has Given Me Freedom

I used to let the scale rule my life and ruin my days but now I am in control, not Ed. 

My first really bad experience with the scale happened when I was seeing a so-called nutritionist who specialized in eating disorders, yet she clearly didn't know the first thing when it came to weight.  At the first visit she told me how she would just weigh me to keep track of my progress but by the third visit she was congratulating me on reaching the three digit mark. Huh? Um, hello! I have anorexia, a three digit number is NOT something to get excited about (at least these were my thoughts at the time). 

Anyhoo, after that I was horrified and determined to never let myself stay in that three digit range. So, obviously this was a very bad idea and I kept track obsessively to make sure I was always below the mark. This lasted for quite a long time until I was sent to treatment where everything fell apart, but I won't go into that now.  Once I was out of treatment, we no longer owned a scale so there was nothing I could do about controlling it anymore, but at my weekly doctor visits I would sneak a peak at my charts to see where I was at. Rebel, I know. I would secretly monitor my weight to make sure I was at the lower end of my "goal weight" at all times. 

To make a long story short, the scale was my way of being in control of my life. If I was at a good weight (in Ed's eyes) I was beautiful, worthy, and successful. When I wasn't, I would go into freak-out mode, get depressed and think about how much of a failure I had become. 

This all changed (slowly) back in February when I started getting into weight training and wanting to be strong. I would read article upon article about how the scale would never be able to tell me my real worth and how inaccurate it really was. 

As I got more in depth in my training, I began building muscle and actually seeing the changes, which was an awesome feeling. I felt strong and had muscles to prove it. I ate real food because I knew it was fueling my workouts and I rested because I knew it would allow for my muscles to grow. I never once thought about the scale, until one day I was at Ben's house and I saw it in his room. I tried to hold back the temptation to step on it but couldn't. 

So I got on. 

I saw the number. It was back up to my pre-relapse weight and to my surprise it didn't effect me much. Sure, Ed was screaming in my ear about how I could let this happen and he kept asking me why I wasn't upset with myself. 

"Because, Ed, you no longer control me, that's why."

I gained muscle, therefore the scale weight went up. In any other situation this would have completely ruined my whole day but because I now knew that muscle weighed more than fat, it was no longer an issue. 

Working out and lifting heavy has given me so much more confidence in not only my body, but also myself as a person. I am stronger physically but I am also stronger mentally. There is something about seeing my progress in the gym that makes me proud of my accomplishments and about who I am as a person. 

Today, after my workout I stepped on the scale and it read an abnormally high number, but instead of getting upset, guess what I did?

I laughed. 

Yes, I laughed and I walked away. The scale will no longer tell me if I am worthy or not and that is a very good thing. 

With the help of weight training, I have come to learn that I am a very strong person inside and out, no matter what the scale reads. <3


Oh and by the way, the winner of my granola bar giveaway is...


Please email me ( with you shipping information so I can get your prize to you!!

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

I'm Not The Kind Of Girl Who...

I'm Not The Kind Of Girl Who...

...Covers her face in massive amounts of makeup in order to "look nice". What ever happened to natural beauty?

...Dresses up or tries to (and yes, I consider jeans to be "dress up").

...Enjoys chatty talk, gossip, screaming at bugs, etc. We're better than that girls, come on. 

...Listens to "in" music just because I want to fit in (country will do just fine no matter who's around).

...Paints my nails. Ever. 

...Ties her hair back. I am just fine with always wearing my hair down and straight. 

...Knows how to dress. I suck at figuring out what goes well together. 

Okay so you get it. I'm not a girly-girl and I never have been. I grew up with two older brothers and copying them was what I did, clothes and everything. I enjoyed being the only girl on the mountain biking team in high school, and the only girl on the snowboarding team who could actually go off jumps, and most of the time, the only girl at the gym lifting anything over ten pounds. 

I've been having a lot of realizations lately about myself and who I am, ever since Ben started commenting on what I wear. I was looking for something to wear to my job interview and somehow we got on the topic of how he doesn't like any of my clothes or anything that I wear. Total burn right? Kinda, except for the fact that I pretty much agree. I mean what can I do? I like being comfortable and if that means gym shorts and big t-shirts than so be it. 

I try to "dress nice" but sometimes I forget what "nice" actually entails. Jeans and a regular t-shirt is considered "dressed up" to me. And a dress? Well those are only for weddings or really formal events. I wear a necklace or put in some earrings and I feel overdressed. It's just not me. 

And I have come to accept this. I'm not like a lot of other girls who enjoy wearing summer dresses and cute shorts. I'm me and I like being boy-ish, so shoot me. It's taken me a little while to fully accept who I am in this respect, but it feels good to be able to do so, because for so long I tried like no other just to conform to what I thought I "should" be, a girly girl of sorts. I longed to be able to dress like the other girls I saw and wanted to act like someone I clearly wasn't. Then I learned that it's really draining trying to be someone else all the time. I can only be me, and I think I'm pretty darn good at it. 

I'm The Kind of Girl Who...

...Works out at the gym with a bunch of guys. 

...Is more comfortable in workout clothes than dresses or skirts. 

...Likes to compete with the guys. 

...Enjoys being the only girl in a sport that is considered "for men only"

...Prefers natural beauty over "fake" tans and faces. 

P.S. This by no means, means that I don't occasionally like to wear earrings or put on a dress for a night or show off my diamond ring. I am still a women after all and there will always be days where I will truly embrace this fact!

Have you ever felt like you don't fit into the "girly" mold or enjoy things that most girls love?

Monday, September 10, 2012

A Present for You

A preset for you just because I love you!

You can win all these wonderful granola bars by answering this question:

What is your favorite song at the moment and why?

Simple right? I know!

I will pick a winner Friday so check back then to see if you won! Good luck :)

Sunday, September 9, 2012

{a through z}

So here's the deal, I love this girl and her beautiful blog. When I saw she had a survey-type thingy I jumped on it and stole it for my post. Here goes: 

[A] Avocados. I haven't always been a fan of these superfoods, but with my new plan I find myself having at least a third of one every day. Eating them plan with some mustard is how I have been liking them lately! How do you eat avocados?

[B] Brown Rice. If you were to look into our refrigerator, you would find containers of brow rice everywhere. This is my fault. I mistakenly made way too much the other day. The bag said 4-6 servings but obviously it made more like 20. Oh well, looks like we'll be eating brown rice for weeks. 

[C] Collage. I miss making my collages. I can't even remember the last time I actually made one...maybe like May? Gosh, so long. If I had the space at the apartment I would make something because it's such a relaxing thing for me. A definite stress reliever and a way to express myself. 

[D] Dying for something to do. Don't get me wrong, I love not working, but right now I am board out of my mind every day. I need a job badly just so I have something to do all day. 

[E] Enjoying the neighborhood. I love exploring our new surroundings. Besides walking to the gym everyday and seeing all the different houses and parks on the way, I have also wondered to the library and found the Job Lot too. Walking to the library was fun because I basically just started walking and somehow made my way there, got a library card and walked out with three books. I'm cool. 

[F] Family. I'm so thankful for my Mom. She's a life saver I swear. She's always trying to do things for me and thinking about me and I know I can go to her for anything. She supports me in whatever I choose and loves me like crazy. I miss her a lot. 

[G] Going to the Mall just to get a free 2oz Bath and Body Works hand cream. Ben just laughed at me when I told him, but he did make the trip with me. It was pretty much stupid but hey, I got something free, which in my book means it was a very good day. 

[H] Having clean clothes. How awesome is this? I mean clean clothes are not only like clean, but they smell great too! Ben and I made our first trip to the laundry mat today. I basically ran out of things to wear so it was needed and completely worth it. And, it wasn't as bad as I was imagining. 

[I] Ignoring voices. I have been really working hard on ignoring Ed's voice since starting my new eating plan. Ed doesn't like the idea of upping my carbs and eating so much but I'm not giving a crap about him. I am doing this for me and for strength!

[J] Jumping on boxes. Otherwise known as box jumps. I am new to them but love them already. I was scared at first because I feared I would totally miss the box and end up landing on my face. This didn't happen obviously and it turned out I'm pretty good at them. 

[K] Kabocha Squash. I could go on and on about how much I love this stuff but I'll save you the trouble of listening to me ramble. Just know that I love it. 

[L] Laughter. Nothing is better than being so filled with laughter that your abs hurt and you feel like you might pee. It's priceless.

[M] Music. I love music. It's so refreshing and gives me a sense of life. Some music just has the ability to speak to me and I find myself changed because of it, while other music just relaxes me and makes me feel alive. 

[N] Nut Butter. Specifically Macadamia nut butter. I just ran out and am tempted to get more but it's just so darn expensive. It's probably worth it though. Or I could make my own. 

[O] Old Cars and Trucks. It's my goal to be able to buy some kind of antique car or truck one day. They're just so cool, I can'y help it. 

[P] Playing Banana Grams. I made Ben play with me for two reasons. One, I love to play and two, I always win against him. Of course this time I won too. Never fails. 

[Q] Quitting my need for control. Ever since we moved into our apartment, I have been a bit on edge and in need on control all the time, which, as you can imagine, can get pretty annoying to those around you. I noticed my tolerance growing lower and my irritability increasing so I chose to step back and really see what my problem was. And to put it simply, I'm stressed. So the last couple of days I have been trying to relax more and just let things go. I even let Ben cook dinner without me trying to take control. It's a nice feeling actually. 

[R] Resting. Although I hate it, I know that rest days are essential to building muscle and taking care of my body. I really pushed myself to NOT do anything today. It wasn't easy but I just keep telling myself why I need it. 

[S] Studying. NOT. haha. Yeah so as Ben is starting school, I am finishing mine. Well my classes anyways. I start new ones next week but this week I am free! 

[T] Tuesday I have a job interview. I hope I get it. Wish me luck. 

[U] Understanding my new gym. I just found out that they have TWO weight rooms that both are equally as good. I don't really get the point but hey, more room for me and more choices! Also, I kinda want to go swimming there one of these days just to check it out.  

[V] Voicing my needs. Last night Ben and I decided to go to his friends apartment for a bit, but when we got there I felt extremely uncomfortable and realized that I just wanted to go home. I stayed for a little while but when everyone wanted to go play pool, I told Ben I didn't want to and we came home. I was proud of myself for speaking up and not just suffering through the night like I always do. 

[W] Watching endless episodes of Arrested Development. This show is so addicting. We're already on season 2, episode like 30 haha. I love it, it's so darn funny. 

[X] X-Mas. This is lame but I couldn't find anything else that started with an X to go here. I do like Christmas but it's just another holiday that has turned into all about presents.

[Y] You're Beautiful! Just face it, you're gorgeous! You are beautiful and loved just the way you are. 

[Z] Zevia soda. I bought a six pack of this stuff on Thursday and it was gone Friday night. There's something wrong with that, yet right now I am thinking I should run out and get more. 

Have a glorious week!!