Saturday, December 31, 2011

i still have a hard time saying certain things to people, even ben and's not just people i am uncomfortable or nervous around but even the ones i am closest with...hmm.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

i wish i had the strength to just do it. just run the car off the road or overdose or something. just something to take away all this pain.
it's funny because when was watching a movie tonight with my mom there was an actress who looked like she was all just skin and bones...kinda how i look...but i didn't think she looked good at all. she looked sick to me and not attractive at all. it's weird to see someone and think this but when i look at myself, i like what i see and i feel good but i know it doesn't look healthy to everybody's hard to explain i guess.
the last couple days since i've been home i've been constantly fighting with my mom about food and stuff. she keeps saying how i'm not eating enough and how she thinks i'm so irritable compared to how i was kinda makes me feel bad...

Sunday, December 25, 2011

i just have a hard time feeling at home here...i mean it's great and all but it's nothing like being at home with mom and marlin and kezo just walking and having a good time you know?
i always have a way of ruining everything. it's what i'm best at. i just wish that mom didn't have to work and that i could spend christmas with her. it doesn't even feel like christmas. i'm not even sure what to write because i'm pretty sad and upset. i just wanna go home to my mom.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

today has been a struggle. ate way too much but trying not to let it ruin everything. i mean what can really happen if i went over my calories limit by 300? ed's trying to get me to believe that i will automatically become huge and gain huge amounts of weight overnight but we all know that's a bunch of crock. there's no way that could happen. our bodies don't work like that. i know that i don't usually eat like i did today so i'm fine. nothing i can do about it now anyways so i mine as well move on and let go. start fresh tomorrow right? right.
99 lbs. um. shit.

Friday, December 23, 2011

just weighed myself and the magic number is....102. i lost more than i thought i did...and i'm lower than the weight they said they would take me back in at klarman....i still feel gross some days and wonder how this is possible but as always, losing weight doesn't mean you lose your problems too.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

my mom was saying this morning how she thinks i need to finally take some kind of medication for my anxiety and depression and i did agree with her until i read the side effects of common ones...weight gain! my ED brain immediately went into panic mode and then (regretfully) i decided to look up what people were saying about it and read all this stuff about how everybody had gained like fifteen to twenty pounds after so many months and now there is no way i will even consider it because there's no way in hell that i want to experience the weight gain of twenty pounds again...been there, done that. bad idea.
one of the worst things that screws me over is that i love having plans. this looks like a good trait on the surface and it can be for the times you need to plan details and so on but it comes back to bite me in the big-picture-type things--otherwise known as life. i like to plan my life out the way i think i want it to be and then assume it will all be perfect. this seems good right? i mean after planning everything i feel secure and not as afraid, but when my plans don't go the right way and when things don't turn out the way i had hoped, you can imagine the devastation this brings. it happened this morning when i thought i had school all planned out and all the things i wanted to do. it all looked good on paper. get a bachelor's in business in order to be the brains behind my little bake and art cafe that i would open and then get married and have kids and live happily ever after. but all that went up in smoke this morning. i found out that i wasn't able to receive all my credits from my semester in NY and now i didn't have enough credits to apply to the school i what? everything was ruined. my life would never amount to anything. i was hopeless as usual. trying to put it all aside, my mom and i went for a walk with the dogs and although, at first, i had no desire to talk about it, my mom did. so she talked and talked and talked. i said nothing. just listened. she had a lot of good things to say, which all made sense. by the end of the walk i was feeling better and at least somewhat hopeful. i realized that i needed to follow my heart more instead of just doing what i thought i was "supposed" to do or what others thought i should do. i needed to follow my own path, no matter how much different it was from the norm. i needed to stay true to myself accept who i was. i don't know if these realizations really help to make me feel better because they are harder than what i was doing's hard to be myself when sometimes i hate that person and when other times i don't even know who i am...but i know this is my purpose. to just be me. no matter what.
went to the store with mom today to get some last minute things for chirstmas and i'm not sure if it was the mirror or what but i looked like a complete ghost and my face was so gaunt. i looked sickly. no wonder my mom was worried...
i think i have least for the last couple of nights anyway...i can't fall asleep for the life of me. i keep thinking about everything i could ever think about. past. future. present. things i need to get done tomorrow. for christmas. my brain is actually in pain it's over thinking way too much.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

my first reaction when someone i know does something to me that a pure bitch would do is definitely to start hating on them, finding every little thing about them to despise, and when i see them, give them the cold shoulder and act like they're a complete piece of no good shit. harsh i know but i don't know why i take so much defense to little things but i do and i make sure to go to great lengths to show the person i hate them now...maybe i should change.
i'm worried that my mom is finding out that i'm not eating as much...yesterday she got mad at me for not having enough for dinner and afterwards i heard her crying downstairs. as usual i got defensive and wished she would just leave me alone, but i have to realize she's only doing that because she cares about me and wants me to be healthy. this is obviously hard to see in the moment because ed's voice to so damn loud and he blocks everything else out. sometimes i wonder if he'll ever leave me...or will i always hear his voice? can't say.
what i ate today:

  • greek yogurt with raw cocao, chia seeds, and bee pollen.
  • vitamin c drink with digestive aid.
  • handful of grapes.
  • salad with feta cheese and fat free italian dressing. 
  • handful of grapes. 
  • warmed pickles.
  • two olives. 
  • another salad.
  • handful of grapes. 
  • sweet potato fries without oil. 
  • two chocolate chips. 
  • a spoonful of cookie batter (i made holiday cookies)
  • and lots of gum. 
  • water. 

five ways to win my heart? hmmm...

1) show me you care about me and that you'd do anything for me.
2) be honest. enough said.
3) make me laugh so hard that i cry.
4) teach me something new that you like.
5) spend all your time with me.

five things i lust after or wish for? hmmm...

1) good clothing that i wish i could pull off.
2) beautiful hair that looks amazing.
3) having a natural looking tan.
4) knowing i have a sense of worth and letting that shine.
5) money to buy things.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

okay along with my other new years resolution i have another one. it's staying within the same theme though. i want to be strong...not just lose weight and be skinny but lose weight (stay the weight i'm at now) but be muscular and strong so that means buying weights and putting together a workout routine or trying to go to the gym maybe...? i will need to write out the exact goal so that it can be something to stick to.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

i don't know what it is, but lately i've been kind of annoyed with people more than normal, including ben. i feel like it's really nothing they are doing but it's just me. i think it might be the food stuff and not eating enough...and if i am noticing this myself, i'm sure in hell than mom will say something...

Monday, December 12, 2011

in kind of a funky mood's like i'm bored yet thinking way too much and feeling hopeless all in one. took a shower and it felt good but i don't know, it's like i'm feeling too many emotions at one so in turn i don't feel anything...just blankness.......
why do i like the feel of bones...?
i wish i could put all the quotes and sayings and articles i read together into my brain and make them change me but it's always easier said than done and i know this the best because i have been trying to do this for over five years...i think it will be six years that is a lot of fucking time...why am i wasting my life with this stupid disease? what a good question! i wish i could just let everything go but when i tried to do this i gained weight and then i hated myself more so it looks like i'll never win....sometimes i don't even know what to do anymore...
i'm trying not to think about the fact that eating a low calorie diet isn't good in the long run. i read all over the internet that it will in time make you gain weight but it's scaring me so i don't want to think about it. i just don't want to gain nay weight and the only way i know how to to that is not to eat as much...i just want to be small and thin and feel good about
phobias that pertain to me:
Agoraphobia- Fear of open spaces or of being in crowded, public places like markets. Fear of leaving a safe place.
Anthropophobia- Fear of people or society.
Claustrophobia- Fear of confined spaces.
Doxophobia- Fear of expressing opinions or of receiving praise.
Eisoptrophobia- Fear of mirrors or of seeing oneself in a mirror.
Enochlophobia- Fear of crowds.
Eremophobia- Fear of being oneself or of lonliness.
Laliophobia or Lalophobia- Fear of speaking.
Obesophobia- Fear of gaining weight.
Ophthalmophobia- Fear of being stared at.
Atelophobia - Fear of imperfection
Sociophobia - Fear of social evaluation

Friday, December 9, 2011

“You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” from Velveteen Rabbit

Thursday, December 8, 2011

i set a goal for myself earlier in the week to say yes to more things (ben suggested it). since it is approaching friday (and although this is on ongoing goal), i wanted to reflect on weather or not i have completed the goal. things that i said yes to that i may not have before:

  • playing mad gab with ben and his friends
  • going to dinner with ben when i really didn't want to

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

rescue me
show me who i am
cause i can't believe
this is how the story ends

ways i know i am going down hill:

i get leg cramps again
i am very irritable
i am scared to go over my calorie limit
i hide what i eat
i am scared to eat with others
i lie about what i have eaten
my hair is falling out
my skin is dry

Monday, December 5, 2011

i was reading my phych book for class and came across this:

In sum, depressed people see themselves as inadequate and worthless, feel that they can't cope with the demands made on them, and dread the future that, they believe, will bring more of the same.  

this basically sums up what i've been feeling for the past months....interesting
goals for over break:

1) decided whether to be in syracuse or maine
2) if in syracuse, find job opportunities and things i can that will make me happy(art, baking, etc)

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Right now I can barely stand
If you're everything you say you are
Would you come close and hold my heart?

Friday, December 2, 2011

this has been a retarded night...i'm pretty upset.
I feel so gross and fat and all kinds of bad at the moment, yet I know it's because I had a couple pieces of gum earlier and that makes my stomach bloat like no other. I'm trying to not let this feeling bother me.