Wednesday, September 28, 2011

it's funny how at one point in my life i considered myself to be pretty positive and even other people thought so too, but now i feel like all i ever am is negative and have a hard time looking for the good...i'm not sure what caused this change though...i'm having a hard time being positive about anything lately...
i never thought i'd say this but i can't wait for winter and not just because that's when i get to leave this miserable place but because then i can wear my hat and cover up my awful hair and i can wear jackets to cover up my arms and stuff...
sometimes people are such assholes. sometimes all i want to say to them is "what is your fucking problem you bitch?" i know it sounds harsh but i mean seriously. like today in math class i held the door for this girl and she didn't say thank you and then i went to move my bag out of the way for another girl because it was in the aisle and she just whipped past me and gave me a bitchy look...all i was trying to do was be nice and what do i get?
i know i have unrealistic expectations for people so it sucks when they don't meet them in the way i think they should. i know i shouldn't do this because it just makes me upset and starts unnecessary arguments...i talk myself into thinking that because someone hasn't done one of these expectations that it must mean they hate me and never think about me and have forgotten about me and so on...i don't know why i do this and wish i could stop...
got weighed at the health center here...i was pretty worried it was going to be higher because i feel like i've gained so much since being here but to my surprise it was the same as always. i feel a huge relief after that. phew, ed was lying to me the whole time and now i can relax a bit knowing i haven't gained...
sometimes i feel like it would be easier if i just went home and wasn't part of all this college life stuff...i hate it so much...i feel like i'm going to be forgotten within all the homework and tests and studying going on, that maybe if i was home, people would miss me or's depressing thinking about it.
sometimes i wonder why i even take art classes...i somehow think they're going to be a "fun" class but in reality it's the one class i dread going to. it's more painful than just a regular lecture class probably because i feel most alone during it...

i raised my hand yesterday in math...okay so not a big deal but to me this is a HUGE deal! i felt pretty proud of myself because i knew the answer and usually i would just keep it to myself but nope, not this time, this time i actually raised my hand and answered the question and i was right! so exciting.
if there is so much more to life than the number on the scale and the size of your stomach or thighs than how come i can't see this? why does it have to be so hard to get this fact through my brain?

sometimes i just wish i would turn my phone on and there was a sweet message...something as little as that would make my day...

feeling uncomfortable now even just wearing a t-shirt...

Sunday, September 25, 2011

when i was at the worst with the ed i still had all the body image issues i am having now and have always had (weather or not i have cellulite, how much my stomach sticks out, how big my love handles are, my knees and legs, and my arms). it's almost funny when i think about it because ed tries to trick me into wanting to go back to the behaviors but what's the point? nothing is going to be better if i do, everything will actually be worse...i will still have all my issues (and even more), i will still have all the body image issues, so it's not going to solve anything by returning to eds lies. i have to learn how to accept my body and be happy with what i have now or else nothing is going to get better.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

25 things i like about myself (no body parts)

  1. i can make beautiful collages
  2. my cool sharpie and pen drawings
  3. i am a thinker 
  4. i am an introvert
  5. i have a good sense of color (i tend to know what colors go together)
  6. i have a lot of passions
  7. i am good at being quiet and listening
  8. i'm pretty adventurous
i'll come back to this list...i can't seem to think of any more things...

Monday, September 19, 2011

alright so i thought this was pretty my psychology class today she had us close our eyes and imagine certain things and one of those things was to imagine a loved on hugging you and how you feel when this happens. of course i imagined ben hugging me and i could actually feel his presence just as if he was actually there in the room. it was eye opening for me because this would never work for me before.
went to see Amanda at the wellness center this morning. i felt like it went well. better than well actually. i shared and talked about stuff that i have never even shared with my mom before. usually i keep it to myself and feel alone with it but i let it out and didn't feel guilty or bad about it. come to find out, the things that i have been feeling are very common and a lot of people feel the same way. learn something new everyday.

last night i told ben some things that have been on my mind a lot lately. i've been feeling kinda hopeless about the future and not really looking forward to life in general and the main reason, i think, is the fact that i don't want to grow up. i believe that is my biggest issue and everything stems from that for the most part. i am afraid of growing up and having all the responsibilities associated with that so i tried to stop my body from becoming a women and thus making me feel like a kid still...time still runs though and thus i'm growing up no matter if i want to or not, right now i'm just not liking it. i hate being on my own and having to rely on myself for things because i don't believe i am strong enough to grow up yet...  

Friday, September 16, 2011

went to a support group last night at this place in liverpool, ny. it was a group for ed sufferers and since i had never gone to any type of support group i thought i'd give it a try. i almost didn't go because ed tried to talk me out of it. he was all like: you can't go because you'll be the biggest one there, everyone else is going to be skinny and it'll just make you feel bad. this was tempting because i knew it wasn't that far from the truth. i knew that if i ended up going and all the other girls were smaller, then, yes, i would feel pretty bad about myself but i think ed didn't want me to go just because the fact that i was making a step to reach out and get better.
anyways, i ended up making myself go and it was fine. i really didn't know what to expect, but i found that i liked it. there was one other girl there who was my age, one girl there who was scary skinny and three older (like over 50) women there. we weren't allowed to talk about any behaviors or about what type of ed we had or anything so that was good and i wasn't pressured into talking which i was relieved about. although one of the older women was all like "everyone should talk...i get annoyed when not everybody shares" and so on. i felt kinda bad but maybe next week i'll share more.
the other girl that was my age was cool, i kinda want to get to know her better and maybe be friends.
there was a couple things that were said that made me think and one of those things was a thought that i had had not too long ago about how, instead of thinking about food as something that would make me fat or uncomfortable, think about it as a source of life-giving energy, think about what the nutrients in the certain type of food are doing for my body and how it's nourishing me. the girl who was sitting next to me said this exact same thing last night so that was interesting.
one thing that struck me was how, if i saw these people on the street and didn't know anything about them, i would never suspect that they had an ed of any kind. the girl sitting next to me was obviously very sick so she doesn't count because if i saw her outside the group i could probably guess that she had anorexia. but with the others i would have no clue, they'd just be people who i viewed as normal people with no anyway, yeah...not quite sure where i'm going with all this but basically i want to go back next week to this group and in the meantime, realize that even though i may not notice from the outside, everybody has something (maybe ed) that they're dealing with. no body is perfect. no body is free from troubles. i'm not alone.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

ed likes to trick me into believing that i've put on weight here or there so that he can get me to feel bad about myself. he's usually pretty good at doing this but today, for some reason, i've caught him and i am no longer going to fall victim to his lies. he likes to pick out the spots where there is so called "fat" and make me criticize myself for these areas, when in fact they are not areas of "fat" but actually healthy muscle. obviously he can't tell the difference...i read an article this morning about how our lives are meant to be so much more than just trying to obtain a think figure or watching what we eat or controlling our weight to within certain standards. i mean seriously, when i really stop and think about this fact, i actually start laughing at how stupid and vain we/i are/am. there is so much more to life than that! we are stronger than that, we are worth more than that! we are not defined by our body weight, type, clothes size, etc. we have so many other things to do in our lives, why should how we feel about our bodies get in the way with that...? just something to think about...
Days will come when you don't have the strength
And all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart
They'd see too much

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

Praying that you have the heart to fight
'Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

Be Enough Me from

  • What are you proud of this week?
  • What do you like about You?
  • What made you want to smile this week?
  • What is one thing that reminds you that you are ENOUGH?
  • What do you when you doubt that you are ENOUGH?
notes i took in my first year seminar class:

(care of you as a whole person)


{what's going to make me happy?}

who am i supposed to be present for today?



happiness for me:

  • following my heart
  • doing what's right for me
  • following my inner passions, desires, wants
  • being true to myself-not trying to be anyone else
  • believing in myself
  • reaching a personal goal
  • knowing who i am
...but how do i know if it's the right decision...?

Monday, September 12, 2011

i hate life. i hate everything right now. i hate how ben is always better than me. he is strong and capable. he has friends. he has everything. i want to go home. i hate being here. i hate being alive.
sometimes i have no clue where to go to get my issues out....i try to talk to my mom and she gets mad at me or else i just have a hard time telling her how i feel especially when it comes to things such as food and body stuff...i try to tell ben about stuff just to get it off my chest but it just makes him stressed so i don't know what to do because i feel like i need to tell someone but someone who's going to be there to comfort me, to make me feel better because obviously i'm horrible at doing this for myself. i always feel like ed turns my comforting into excuses so i get so lost...

i try to comfort myself: every body is different. 
but then ed comes and shoots me down: yeah but you should be smaller than her. 

you can see how frustrating and tiresome this can become...i usually just give up.
i feel so gross and just want to go the fuck home.

just looked in the mirror and swear i was about to cry. i must have gained like five pounds over the weekend. i feel gross and don't know what to do. i haven't eaten yet and don't have any want to. i don't even know how i'm functioning right now...i'm so depressed.

goal for the day: eat as little as possible.

i hate my body. i don't know how i gained so much weight but i need to lose it. being here just makes everything worse. i need to go home.

why do i feel so immensely huge and gross? i don't get it. just the other day i was feeling okay about everything and now it's the complete opposite. how can that be?

Sunday, September 11, 2011

such a bad mood right now...i hate everything...i hate facebook, it's so depressing...i want so badly to just go the fuck home...i hate this place...i hate people...i just want to cry now...
i hate college. roommates suck ass. life sucks balls. i want to go home.
wow i am totally sick right now...i have consumed way to much candy...i feel pretty disgusting right now, but i'm trying not to let it other me...this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass.

Friday, September 9, 2011

i don't know why i can't just look in the mirror and accept myself...why is this so difficult for me? all i do is pick out the parts of myself that i don't like and analyze these parts to death. the part that is bothering me the most at the moment are my arms. i feel like they are huge. i know that sense i started working out they have gotten bigger due to the new muscle i built up so that's why they look bigger but it's hard for me to realize this because alll i see is fat, not muscle.
i was sitting in history this morning and man are those chairs uncomfortable! my back was aching because my bones kept rubbing the chair and i was in pain the whole class. it sucked.

i walk around campus looking for people who are smaller than me and when i see someone who is i make myself feel better by believing they have an eating disorder of some sort. i read online that 91% of college students have eating issues so i'm probably not that off when i say this.

the other thing i try to do is remind myself that i want to be strong, not weak because when i was weak, i couldn't do the things i love, like hiking or running, etc. i want to be healthy and no sick because being sick is not fun no matter what i tell myself. it's hard but i must constantly tell myself that i am beautiful and perfect just the way i am and being smaller is not the answer to my problems and will not make me more worthy or a better person by any means...

Thursday, September 8, 2011

so apparently i walk very fast i've learned. i was passing people left and right getting to class and back to the dorm not only today but the other days as well...i guess i just can't walk's annoying.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

i recently talked to on of the resident directors of my dorm because i had asked if i could take food out from the cafeteria (i hate going there to eat). i thought this was a very reasonable question but apparently it wasn't. i was told that going to the dining hall would help me make friends and shit like that but in all honesty i really have no interest in making friends. i'm leaving after the first semester anyway so fuck it. i like being able to just do what i want and not have to spend tons of energy (which is exhausting for me) trying to hang out with people which just makes me feel worse about everything. what is the big deal with that? i don't get it. i have decided to just not go to anybody for any more help or advice because the all say the exact fucking thing. it's dumb. i mean i don't like hate lemoyne or anything, i think it's a fine school and everybody has been very helpful there but this whole college thing is just not for me i don't think....i don't know. it's whatever.
sometimes i think i'm pretty hypocritical to be completely honest because i collect so many wonderful and inspiring quotes and put them up on my walls but when times are actually tough i don't tend to read any of these things even though they could be potentially very helpful. instead, i tend to refuse to read anything that could be remotely helpful and i haven't figured out why. this happens with music in a similar way as well. i like listening to music only when i'm happy because all other times i will just become more depressed. even if the song has meaningful or uplifting lyrics, they will most always bring me more sadness as opposed to happiness. it's weird.
how can i go from somewhat loving my body (last week) to somewhat hating it (this week)? i just don't get it. i feel completely and utterly gross and feel like i've gained weight. is ed just tricking me or is it true? i feel like every time i look in the mirror all i see is the fat on my hips and how big they look when i lean back and the fat on my legs and arms and stomach. i hate it. all i see is fat. this is not normal. right? i don't know what to do because right now i really am just forcing myself to eat because all the thoughts and behaviors are coming back...

i'm trying to remind myself that going back to behaviors is not at all going to help me and that it's not healthy...that actually not eating will harm me greater than just eating regularly...i don't know. blah.
yesterday: got up and ran by 8:4AM then went for a walk at 2:15PM then worked out for a bit before heading over to ben's for the night.

today: going to the gym after first class at 9:20AM and then probably again to run on the track after last class at 3:20PM then heading over to ben's again most likely.

the only thing that's getting me through each day is knowing that i don't have to come back next semester. i applied to ashford university which has an online holistic program that looked amazing. my mom gave me a good deal that i couldn't pass up, she said that if i stuck it out for this semester (until december) that she would pay for an apartment and support me in any decision i made. i'm pretty dead set on getting an apartment in january and doing online yeah.

two classes today...wish me luck :p

Monday, September 5, 2011

been having contradicting thoughts today about eating. i feel like i've gained weight since being at college and that scars one thought i had today was not to eat and go back to old behaviors thus resulting in weight loss but the other thought was that life is here for us to live so why starve myself and what's the big deal with gaining a bit of weight...? i feel like i want to lose weight but i feel like i'm eating too much but then my heart voice peaks through telling me that i can't go back to the bad behaviors because what's the point of that? if i start back doing bad behaviors and stuff then how do i expect to every beat this stupid disease? my other side is telling me to just have fun and eat whatever and workout and just do what feels right because life is short and it's supposed to be fun right?

Sunday, September 4, 2011

things that make me happy (on-going):

  • walking/running
  • being with ben
  • watching marlin
  • decorating my room
  • my mom
  • getting love letters
  • romantic gestures
  • surprises
  • talking/thinking about my wedding day
  • cute, random text messages 
  • talking about meaningful things/real conversations
  • hearing how ben feels about me
  • hugs
  • drawing

Friday, September 2, 2011

it's funny how different people think about what is healthy and what is not. i met with the chef today at lemoyne to talk about how he can help me find foods that i like and i got into saying how i didn't eat high fructose corn syrup and he was all over that. he tried to convince me that corn syrup was actually healthy in that it's from corn. haha. i didn't argue but i know inside that high fructose corn syrup is not healthy for you. so anyways after he told me all these things and showed me the food they have i basically figured out that i just don't want to eat in the dinning hall. it's that simple. i don't like to go there and my excuse is that i can't find anything there(which isn't true), but i want to isolate in my room and eat my food, so be it. at least for now.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

i think part of not liking all this being away from home and college stuff is the simple fact that I DON'T WANT TO GROW UP. it's really simple...i don't want to be on my own, i don't want to have to do things for myself (even though i do these already), it's quite the reality shock being here and suddenly realizing that i only have myself to lean on...
i really want to do online classes but i want to do them at home, not here. even if i was able to get an apartment i'd still be sad because all i want to do is be at home, in the one place that i love. i wish that ben didn't like his school so then he could transfer to a different school near home so then i'd feel better. some days (like yesterday) i am totally content with being by myself and not to comparing myself to others, but then other days (like this morning) i am sad and just want to be home and be able to talk with my mom and see her. i miss her the most, even though when i was home she was working all the time, there's a comfort about knowing she's there and being out here (in new york) i just can't feel her with me. i miss her hugs and talking with her about everything...