Wednesday, August 31, 2011

taken from an email i received from sui solitaire

What scares you? in a nutshell: everything. 
What scares you about learning to love yourself? learning something that i don't want to know...seeing myself as bad.
What scares you about letting go of dependency on externals? that i'll be alone. that people won't be there for me. that i can't do things on my own. 
What scares you about letting go of fear and guilt and perfectionism? that i won't be accepted. that i'll be judged and laughed at. that i won't like myself. 
What scares you about letting go of your body hatred? that people won't like me and my body. that i won't like myself as i am. that i'll be out of control. 
What scares you about letting go of your negativity? the feelings that i deserve to be unhappy. 
What scares you about depending on yourself? that i won't be able to hold myself together. that i will fail. 
What scares you about trusting yourself? not knowing if i'm right or not. that i will make a mistake. that people won't be okay with my decisions. 
What scares you about living, right here, right now? everything. the people, the environment. myself. the food. gaining weight. being forgotten. being alone. feeling lonely. feeling judged. 
all i have to do is make it through one year. that's it, just one year. then ben and i can get an apartment and i can take online courses and possibly do part time somewhere. one year is doable (i hope). i will suffer through it.
i panic when i don't have control over things or a certain situation so i immediately try to fix the problem in any way possible. i like to have things figured out so i know what's happening. this does work sometimes but most of the time it just leads to irrational decisions and stress up to my eye balls. i have a hard time just letting things go and letting them work out on their own or just taking time to think and ponder over what is going on or bothering me...

Saturday, August 27, 2011

i think once classes start i'll be better...i need something to focus me...and once i start meeting people in my classes, i'll be more comfortable maybe? i hope so anyway. i think that being busy will be something i want to do, because then i don't have to rely on ben so much...i feel like a total bug, always wanting to hang out with him and missing him like crazy but i don't know what else to do ya know...i need him because he's the one person who understands me when no one else can and of course my mom does but she's so far away its so hard.
at ben's school...idk why but right when i got here and he started telling me stuff about school and all he's been doing i got super sad...i just wanna be with him all the time...he's the only thing that makes me feel like myself and completely free. my biggest fear is that he's going to get too busy with all the classes and things that he's gonna have to do, that he won't have enough time for me and to hang out and that he'll forget about me...
it's weird how when you go to new places, certain people remind you of the people you used to know back home...i wonder if this is just a comfort strategy, like so you feel safer with these new people if you can pretend you recognize them...
i just want to go home so bad...i hate all the people here (okay not all of them)...i just can't do this. it's all so overwhelming. all i want to do is be with ben, where i feel comfortable and free.

i'm such a wonder nobody likes me....
drove eight hours with mom...left at 6:45am and got to lemoyne at 2:30pm. went to see ben at esf and had dinner at chipotle burrito place in syracuse and then came back to lemoyne to move things into my room. i felt good moving stuff made me feel better knowing everything's good room wise and that i like it so far. i felt good talking with the girls who helped me..they were upperclassmen. hopefully tomorrow will go smoothly.

ben's right...when am i going to grow up? when am i going to accept that i'm a women? when am i going to realize that the weight that i'm at will need to go up as i take form into my new body?

why do i push people away?

Monday, August 22, 2011

Why can't i ever accept my body? will i ever be able to? what is so important about having your body look a certain way anyhow? why make it your life goal to have a perfect body when one, that's not even possible and two, you are already amazing and beautiful the way you are?

tell me, who is it that dictates to us how we should look and what we should eat? why do we listen to these people? why do we try so hard to obtain something that isn't even worth it? is success in life based on how flat your stomach is or how muscular your arms are? What do we believe we will get if we have these things and the "perfect" body?

Monday, August 8, 2011

i feel so extremely gross and fat yet i know i've lost weight. where? how the fuck could i have lost weight when i feel so huge? if anything, i've gained weight. all i want to do is run, walk, jog, anything that involves moving and burning calories. i don't understand how i can feel this gross and yet be underweight. i will never be okay with m body...
i'm so sick of eating. i haven't moved for the past four days and i just can't stand it anymore. from being sick to being in severe pain, this week has downright sucked. i hate feeling lazy, especially when the people around me can do whatever they want. god.
i never really realized just how boring the gym can be until today. i have no music to listen to nor book to read and i'm going nuts. it's hard to stay motivated when there's nothing to keep me entertained. you never know how hard it is to bike for thirty minutes or run on the treadmill without any distractions...
all i want to do right now is not eat and fall back into everything. i'm always fucking sad and no one gives a shit. why am i always forgotten? why do i always feel forgotten?

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

So yes, regarding to the fiance thing...I got engaged while on our road trip!!!! Ben purposed in Virginia on a special spot on the Appalachian Trail. We watched the sunset and then danced and as he was shaking, he got down on one knee and pulled out the most beautiful ring I had ever seen. I said yes of course and that was that!! It was the best night of my life by far:) The wedding probably won't take place for another two or three years, however, so we can get college and money situated and since we're so young and all. It's pretty damn exciting!!
"Life is complicated, unpredictable, and often scary. It is not always possible to control your life, but you can control what you eat. A heavy-handed domination over what goes onto your fork or spoon can create the comfortable illusion that your life is no longer in danger of veering from the plan."

This is a quote from that my fiance (I will explain this later!) found when he was worried about me. I felt like this struck a chord in me basically because it just sounds so right on about some of the underlying stuff for me. I think that if I can as least control what's going into my body and how much exercise I get, that the things in life that I can't control won't bother me as much. It doesn't really work very well, though...
I think sometimes the reason why I continue with this whole eating thing is because I believe it makes me different than others, like being extremely thin will set me apart from others and thus give me control and power. It's really apparent to me regarding the issue with my arms. I have been working out and lifting weights and thus noticing that my arms are getting stronger which also means they look bigger and feel bigger. This, obviously, scares me and makes me feel normal which I hate so much. I feel like I want my arms to be skinny like they used to be and then I won't be normal and people will be jealous of me or something....