Thursday, December 22, 2011
one of the worst things that screws me over is that i love having plans. this looks like a good trait on the surface and it can be for the times you need to plan details and so on but it comes back to bite me in the big-picture-type things--otherwise known as life. i like to plan my life out the way i think i want it to be and then assume it will all be perfect. this seems good right? i mean after planning everything i feel secure and not as afraid, but when my plans don't go the right way and when things don't turn out the way i had hoped, you can imagine the devastation this brings. it happened this morning when i thought i had school all planned out and all the things i wanted to do. it all looked good on paper. get a bachelor's in business in order to be the brains behind my little bake and art cafe that i would open and then get married and have kids and live happily ever after. but all that went up in smoke this morning. i found out that i wasn't able to receive all my credits from my semester in NY and now i didn't have enough credits to apply to the school i wanted...no what? everything was ruined. my life would never amount to anything. i was hopeless as usual. trying to put it all aside, my mom and i went for a walk with the dogs and although, at first, i had no desire to talk about it, my mom did. so she talked and talked and talked. i said nothing. just listened. she had a lot of good things to say, which all made sense. by the end of the walk i was feeling better and at least somewhat hopeful. i realized that i needed to follow my heart more instead of just doing what i thought i was "supposed" to do or what others thought i should do. i needed to follow my own path, no matter how much different it was from the norm. i needed to stay true to myself accept who i was. i don't know if these realizations really help to make me feel better because they are harder than what i was doing before...it's hard to be myself when sometimes i hate that person and when other times i don't even know who i am...but i know this is my purpose. to just be me. no matter what.