Friday, September 28, 2012

{questions from the heart}

There are so many answers to this it's overwhelming. To start, I would have to say that I definitely couldn't lift anywhere close to what I am lifting now at the gym. I am strong now! I was not capable of eating what I am eating now, i.e. avocado, peanut butter, protein smoothies, etc. A year ago I was back-sliding into a relapse and now I am stronger and healthier than I have ever been! I can ask for help and tell people what I need better than a year ago. I used to keep my feelings bottled up, afraid that I wasn't good enough to voice them. I can stand up for myself and I am proud of myself and I love myself more than ever. 
A lot can happen in a year I guess. 

A lot of things. Different things. I want to be known for my love towards others, my artistic skills, my writing.  I want people to think of me and think of someone who is successful, someone who believes in herself, someone who didn't change in order for people to like her. I want to be known for staying true to myself, for being open and honest, for having passions, for being a good athlete, for being a wonderful mother (someday), for being friendly and warm. 
I want to be known for being me. 

My fear of failing has a tight grip on me. It has kept me from opening up to people, making friends, participating in things I love. It has kept me from trying new things, putting myself out there, feeling uncomfortable. I fear that I cannot do things right so I don't do them. I fear being judged, being made fun of, being laughed at. I fear people's thoughts about me, so I isolate myself, I keep to myself, I don't say much, I try to be perfect. Fear has kept me from fully living my life. 

To be loved. To find the one person I could spend the rest of my life with. To get married in the mountains to the love of my life. To have children who I could love and care for. To be happy. 

My freedom. My body. My heart. No body can take anything from me as long as I don't let them. I will always be in control of myself unless I give someone the permission to control me. My happiness will always be mine. 

So many things. I am proud every time I walk into the weight room at my gym because I know I could just walk out due to fear, but I don't. I always leave my workout feelings good about myself, body and soul. I am truly proud of my win at the RAID race last weekend. I never do anything like that and I could have easily backed out but I stuck it out and finished strong. I am proud of myself for finding jobs and learning the skills needed for each one. They are way out of my comfort zone. I am proud of myself for getting back up after my relapse. I picked myself up on my own and started weight training which was the best decision of my life. I am proud of myself for eating good and healthy foods and enough to fuel my body. I am proud of myself for being me. 

That growing up would be awesome. I used to wish that I could just be older, that I could live on my own, that I could make my own rules, be by myself, and that everything would be great and dandy. I don't wish this so much anymore. Growing up and being on my own isn't as great as I thought it would be. In some ways, it is. I get to be free, but there is so much responsibility now that I didn't have to have before. Don't let your life pass you by because you'll soon wish for it back. 

<3 Tayla 

1 comment:

  1. This is so beautiful,Tayla.
    It makes me really happy to know that YOU are happy with yourself and your life at the moment; I can't tell you how proud I am when seeing how far you've come by now. You're truly awesome! :)