Wednesday, April 4, 2012

WIAW...Still Struggling.

Until just recently I didn't really have a certain thing I wanted to talk about today but something happened today that really effected me and some realizations came to mind...

I don't really want to go into detail about what happened but basically someone said something pretty mean to me on Facebook and it down-right hurt. I can't remember the last time someone has ever said anything quite as mean, so it caught me off guard, that's for sure. 

It felt like I got kicked in the stomach. Out of nowhere. I kept trying to figure out what I did wrong and yet I couldn't find any reason why this person would go out of their way to say these things...if you really needed to let me know something that I did to hurt you (like ten years ago), then please tell it to my face, if you don't mind. I mean seriously.

I tried to just let it go, not let it get to me, but something weird happened when I kept thinking through everything. Ed came back screaming in my ear about how horrible I was and how gross I had become. He kept telling me how, because I was getting better, no body liked me anymore and I would never be enough for anyone. Oh my God. Just writing that out makes me sick. 

I felt a huge rush of feelings overcome me, mostly a feeling of  being "fat", and even though people tell me over and over again that "fat is not a feeling", I still feel something must be wrong here. Along with all that came feelings of worthlessness and judgement. Ed's voice was so strong that I didn't know what to do. I just kept staring at the comment and trying to figure out what was even going on. Here I am, trying to be calm when Ed is yelling at me, telling me that I will never go anywhere in life and how disgusting I was and how people hate me, and then some person I used to be friends with was telling me how mean I was (I must stress that this was something that happened when I was eight or nine!).  When it all comes down, I don't ever want to be friends with someone like this anyways, and getting sweet emails from other people who encourage me and accept me for who I really am is always a good reminder that people who are mean aren't worth my time. 

After a bit, I deleted the dumb comment and blocked the girl on Facebook, and then went for a short walk with my Mom. We talked about what happened and it made me feel a whole lot better. My Mom is so awesome with helping me feel better...she always knows what to say in order to help me focus on what is important. Even though, after walking, I felt better, I still had a big problem...why had Ed been so loud at this kind of event? Why would something like this make him jump in and bash the hell out of me? Why does he continually want to make me feel like shit? How come I can't just get over his fucking lies? 

I really have no answers to any of these questions but it really got me thinking (what else is new?!)....I have a long way to go in terms of recovery because if something small like this is going to effect me this much, I'll be back in a relapse before I know it. If I can't deal with little things without having Ed fuck me over, how am I ever going to stay strong when bigger things happen?

The other thing that really worried me, was how connected my thoughts of being thin are to being worthy, and liked. There is definitely something terribly wrong with that! You think that after seven years of fighting this illness, I would be able to really grasp that being sickly thin does not guarantee happiness or being liked, actually quite the opposite is true. Being on the verge of dying everyday will not bring me any kind of happiness...only depression, anxiety and complete unhappiness. When I was really sick, I wasn't allowed to do any of the things that I loved (i.e. hiking, walking, etc)...I had to sit in a chair all freakin' day, is that what I want again? NO. Never. Being sick has taken so many things from me and it has never ever given me happiness, sure, it's definitely made Ed happy but I want to make ME happy, not evil Ed. 

If I want to avoid another relapse, I need to constantly be reminding myself of these things and how Ed's lies will never get me anywhere good. If I win at listening to my heart and do what I KNOW is right, I will live again, but if I win at listening to Ed, I will die. Simple as that. 

I found a hideaway in the rocks!

Anyways, enough with all the seriousness...Today was actually a really good day (minus the above incident). My Mom and I took a mini road trip along the coast of Maine. We stopped at a couple thrift shops and picked up some sweet goodies! I got two shirts that I LOVE, a wicked awesome belt, and a bright green hand bag! The best part? was all only fifteen bucks! I like that a lot. 

My sweet bag...only $5!
Some of my eats on the trip...and to be honest, I had a difficult time consuming anything while driving because I felt like I had a big lunch prior to leaving and sitting in the car made me uncomfortable, as I was NOT moving (i.e. exercising, I'll go into this later)...

Thanks to Jenn for setting this up every week!

 Lunch was a pita filled with spinach, cottage cheese, hummus and guacamole, grilled on the George Foreman.
Lush Nuts (such an awesome name!)...I received a quite lovely package of these in the mail and had to finally try them even though I knew they were going to be difficult for me to eat (fear food).
I must say, these cinnamon flavored ones were AWESOME. My mom tried the Coffee ones and LOVED those too! To check out the wonderful mind behind these click here.
On the ride over I didn't have much...I managed to force myself to eat one of these, which you already know my thoughts about!
 Even though I had a pretty AWESOME workout in the morning, I was finding it hard to not get anxious while sitting in the car for hours...I was trying to not freak out, as I wanted to have a good day with my mom and not ruin it by being pissy. I knew that getting up at 6am, doing a tough leg workout and then going for a sprint/jog interval run was surely enough for the day, but I have this thing about making sure I get in a workout in the morning and then another one at night. Granted, we did find a place along the beach to walk, but in no way was it was beautiful though.

The waves were so cool :)
On the way home, my mom mentioned getting thai food, which did not interest me AT ALL! I really wanted to say no but she seemed all excited about it, so I just went along...while we ordered to take out, I started freaking out. My mom kept picking out items to get that I knew were filled with TONS of fat and calories and I just couldn't handle it. I finally just LET GO and said the heck with it. I punched Ed in the ball sack (sorry) and ordered what I wanted. I can't keep letting him take over and ruin everything. 
 Edamame beans with salt and soy sauce...this was pretty safe for me so I didn't have trouble eating these!
Spicy Mango Chicken...ahhhh I was terrified. It came with brown rice but I decided to use my NoOddles (I'll explain later) instead so it was a bit easier...

Overall it was OKAY..I tried not to completely freak out while eating it but I did and guess what?...I didn't die! Wootwoot. That's always a good thing. 

I still managed to have a snack later while watching The went un-pictured but I had a chocolate vitatop and some peanut butter. 
So, I'm a bit up and down and all over the place lately...I just hope I can stick through it and face all of the uncomfortable feelings.
I will keep this in mind...


  1. Firstly, I am so sorry for whatever that person said to you. I know sometimes we get upset at ourselves because we think we're overrreacting about it and then we get more upset with ourselves when we do ED behaviors. I no longer use ED behaviors to cope, but when I was earlier in recovery and would slip on a bad day, I learned that beating myself up about it didn't help at all. I'm glad you picked yourself out of it! That's progress! And I just posted a blog post about some stuff I do when I start feeling not good enough. It's a sucky feeling, so i suggest distractions! I'm always here to talk if you need to, and I'm emailing you back tonight :)!

    PS- Good job with eating and talking about everything today :)

    1. Yeah I am totally too hard on myself sometimes! I need to let things go and stop beating myself up about it, but I'm glad it didn't ruin more than the moments that it did. I read your post and loved it! I totally think distractions are good things to keep your mind off of rough things. Thank you! <3

  2. im sorry someone said something like that to you, the ed will try and get its way back because it has been with you for so long. but i promise that voice will lessen over time. i do still struggle to deal with things in unhealthy ways but each time i get stronger and the ed is lessening its grip on me.

    1. Yes, I agree with you about the voice lessening it's grip each time I fight back. I think I am getting to a place where it's easier to disagree with Ed but sometimes it's still overwhelming. Thanks for your support!