|Sorry about the poor quality (I NEED a real camera)|
For the past couple of days I seem to be fighting Ed more than I would like. But that's recovery right? I suppose. I wish everything wasn't so hard sometimes...like can't everyday get easier instead of harder? I feel like one day I will make really good choices and stab Ed in the heart (he dies) but yet he comes back even worse the next day (how does he do that?) I wish I could be as awesome as he is, in terms of being knocked down and then coming back stronger...but maybe I can be like this...? hmmmm.
I got to thinking about how Ed tries to manipulate me in so many different ways, he's so smart isn't he? The first way is when I try to talk back to him. I try to say affirmations about how I am worthy of good things and that I am beautiful (things he never tells me), but he comes back and punches me in the stomach saying how those are just excuses for what I know is really true...that I'm a horrible, hopeless person with no chance of being pretty. Fuck you Ed. Really, just go to fucking hell (sorry for the language but sometimes it's completely appropriate you know?)
Here's a conversation I had with Ed the other day (if you didn't think I was crazy by now, here's proof):
Ed: Why are you sitting down while you could be out walking and burning off those gross calories you just consumed?
Me: I just worked out and had lunch. And those calories are keeping me alive.
Ed: You're just making excuses for not exercising...you don't need food to be alive,why are you so dumb?
Me: I'm not dumb, I am very smart and will die without proper nutrition.
Ed: Blah, just another excuse.
Okay so as you can see, Ed tries to turn my good efforts into bad ones and then I end up questioning my own voice! How frustrating. I know Ed is full of bull shit lies that mean nothing, but why is it so hard to truly believe this?
The other thing that Ed does is make me think that everyone thinks like me (or Ed, in this case). Ed likes to watch everything that other people are eating, making sure I don't consume more than they do. He likes to compare my body to theirs, who has more fat, muscle, etc. He likes to tell me that other people are always judging me for everything I eat, do, say, etc. But in fact, normal people don't do these things! Isn't that crazy? Normal people don't watch me and analyze what I am eating or not eating, they don't notice or care for that matter if my thighs touch or not, they aren't on the lookout for belly fat or cellulite, they don't try to figure out if they're eating more or less than I do. I do these things because Ed makes me...or does he?
I read in Hello Me, Goodbye Ed that blaming Ed for things that I do isn't going to get me anywhere. One thing that stuck out was that Ed doesn't have to change, I do. I have to take responsibility for my actions and my choices when dealing with Ed. If he tells me to compare myself to that other girl or to make sure I'm not eating more than that random person over there, I can either choose to listen to him and obey his stupid commands or I can say "fuck you" and choose not to listen to him and not do those totally obsessive things. I mean it's really as clear as day, but actually doing the opposite from what Ed tells me to do is where it gets muddy..I've been trying so damn hard though and I'll give myself credit for that.
Sometimes Ed gets me by trying to tell me how I will be so much happier if I was super skinny...ummm news flash Ed, but I've tried this and no way in HELL was I happy. I was actually miserable remember. No, he will never remember. I remember though, and this is what it looked like...
- always hungry
- always irritable
- always mad, sad, or downright hopeless
- nights I thought I would end it all
- crying uncontrollably for hours
- crazy amounts of over analyzing
- counting, counting, and more counting
- always making people mad or frustrated
- feeling worthless, no good
- having absolutely no energy whatsoever
- knowing I looked like a skeleton, yet feeling like a whale
Okay, so you get the point yeah? It was utter hell. I'm not going to tell you though, that just from upping my calories and actually feeding myself adequate nutrition, that all of these things have disappeared and now I am "healed" and completely happy. No, but wouldn't that be awesome?! I wish. So why then, do it? Why eat more and fight Ed? Because all of these things have gotten crazy better. I'm not always hungry which thus leads to me not being as irritable and then people aren't constantly frustrated with me and they actually like being around me. Weird, right? I haven't had a night that I cried for hours or thought it was better if I wasn't here in over a month. I have sooooo much energy it's not even funny and I LOVE it. I still over analyze a lot but it's much much less and I count things but I'm much more lenient and not as obsessed. I no longer feel like I'm a failure or worthless, I am really happy to say that I am quite aware of how AWESOME I am! Most days I still feel like a whale but I am able to recognize that if I was really a whale, I think I would feel like a thousand times bigger. Ed has a funny way of making things feel different than they really are and I can see this now. And the last thing, I am happy. I still get sad because that is normal, but I wake up ready to live my life and I feel genuinely happy throughout the day.
Sometimes (almost every day), I have to remind myself that being skinny doesn't equal happiness. I'm not even sure where this idea came from because it's the most screwed up thing ever! Although, I know a lot of people struggle with this. I mean look at the diet and weight loss industry...they're getting fucking stinkin' rich off of people thinking this way. How sad is that? Anyways, my point, that happiness is an internal thing. It has nothing to do with how you look, what clothes you wear, etc. I know a bunch of people who are all different sizes and yet they have one thing in common, they're happy and they smile. I also know a lot of people who have anorexia/bulimia and they look drawn, sad, not connected to life at all. Now, I have no clue if that's what they are really feeling inside, but it makes since right? At least I like to think so. I mean, no matter if you lose weight or gain it, if the beliefs behind the weight don't get solved, then it wont matter what the scale says.
I think that is all I have to say for now, but since Friday's are the days where I list my accomplishments of the week, I'll leave you with this:
I am proud of myself because...
- I had a hand full of pecans, brazil nuts and I didn't die
- I have held down a job for over a month (go me)
- I went hiking and felt strong
- I tried about ten different foods this week (more to come on this)
- I agreed to work Easter Sunday, even though I know I could of easily said and no and isolated myself
- I got accepted into Culinary School and Business School in the same week
- I listened to my body and didn't do a hard leg workout like usual yesterday
- I am kicking Ed's butt (slow and steady wins the race)
Go Be Awesome!