Tuesday, June 28, 2011
I feel renewed almost. I read some really helpful and inspiring articles online about eating and so on. I have been feeling as though I am going in the reverse direction when it comes to food lately. I guess it could be considered a good thing, seeing that before, I restricted everything and now I'm going on mini binges. I had another chocolate binge the other day. I found candy melts in both vanilla and chocolate flavors and couldn't stop eating them. The only thing different from my binges to people with binge eating disorder (I think), is that I still stay in my allotted calorie range for the day, which makes me feel semi 'okay'. I seem to feel a continuous mental hunger throughout the day and I follow it to the fridge when it tells me to, even when I know I'm not truly hungry for food. I have a lot of free time throughout my days and thus I become bored very quickly, meaning, I eat. But, again, even though I'm eating basically non-stop all day, I still consume the exact number of calories I allow myself. It may seem like a decent way to eat but I end up feeling extremely guilty and anxious come the night time. Every night for the last two weeks or so, I have gone to bed telling myself that I ate like a monster and that tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow comes and I do it all again! I'm a wreck. However, tonight I found some good articles on how to avoid emotional eating (which is what I think I am doing) and how to avoid eating when you're bored. I really feel strongly about getting to a place where I can eat intuitively with my body and it's true signals. This is my ultimate goal. I do believe I can get there and like I've said before, it's not going to be as easy as I think and I will have to put large amounts of effort into it but it will be worth it when I can eat for health and also for joy. I also know that I may have slip-ups and days where I fall down but the only thing that ever matters is that I get back up each time and start again, and that is what I will be doing tomorrow!