Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Today I woke up with the same renewed feeling as I had had last night. I felt ready to take on the day and really listen to my body. I started my day of with a nice breakfast of a fried egg over chicken with mustard (yeah okay this sounds pretty nasty, but the only thing that counts is that it was deliciousness!) For lunch (which I ate at 11:30) was almond butter with a banana and cinnamon, which I enjoyed very much. I then went on the computer and of course pulled up facebook and right on the front page were some photos of a friend. I clicked on them and found myself instantly comparing her arms to my arms, legs to my legs and so on. I couldn't help it. I was amazed how one little photo could ruin my good feelings. I felt so disgusting and fat in that moment that I had to find a way to feel better. I went to my room and stared at my body in the mirror. I looked at my arms and at one angle they looked skinny and nice but at another angle they looked big and flabby. I looked at my legs and decided they were fine, they passed the test. I spend the most time on my stomach, sucking it in and out and tensing it to see my abs. I liked my abs usually, but today they weren't good enough. I turned to the side and didn't like what I saw. My stomach wasn't thin enough to seem invisible and this disturbed me. I must have been in my room for thirty minutes doing this, when finally I decided that what I was doing was just plain stupid. I went for a walk to get some fresh air and to clear my head. As I walked I reminded myself that I wanted to be strong and healthy, not weak and sick. I cried and asked the trees if it would ever be possible for me to accept myself. I just want to be okay with my body but the only way I will be okay with it, is if it is thin. I asked myself what being thin meant to me and came up with this answer: being thin means having power. I get my confidence from being the thinnest one in the room. If I can't measure up to someone, or if I don't have the same amazing personality as someone else, well, at least I am smaller than them. I thought about this and came up with the fact that yes this gives me the feeling of power but how long does it last and does it really feel good? So I feel good that I'm smaller than someone for about two minutes which thus leads me to feel like I'm better than them, which is where I get my ounce of confidence, but then I get home and won't eat because I have to keep being smaller than them. This just doesn't even sound right. Who ever said that being thinner than someone else was a good thing? In conclusion, I decided that I'm just not going to get all stressed out over something this small. In the scheme of things, it's not even worth it to compare our bodies because we are all so different and we are all going through changes. I need to do what is best for me and that is eat healthy foods, workout to get stronger, and enjoy myself and my body in the process.