She'll Be Free

I think it was last week that Ben and I went to the beach. Since we went to the less crowded side there weren't too many people there. I felt self-conscious but less than normal I think. It's hard to tell. I kept thinking about what other people were thinking about me and my body. Did they think I was thin or most likely that I was rather heavy? I felt outstandingly white. Whiter than the actual sand. My thighs felt and looked bigger than normal and my stomach poked out more than I was comfortable with. I tried my best to stay calm. I lost it for a couple of minutes, felt a wave of grossness and self pity come over me, but I let it pass and jumped in the water with Ben.

I weighed myself at the YMCA last week. It said 104lbs. That's 1lb lighter than the last time I weighed myself there. Strangely enough I found myself feeling a sense of worth and happiness, but I knew I shouldn't feel those, so I told myself that this was bad (which it was) and that I needed to get back up to a good weight. 104lbs was the weight that Klarman would take me back at, and there is no way I am every going back there.

Last week I went for a hike. I ran into two groups of two people. I had two very short but good conversations with them. I was proud of myself for not clamming up and just being able to actually talk. I also felt rather strong hiking. I didn't have to stop as many times as on my last hike. It was pretty fun all together. Good day.

Okay, so when do you draw the line between what you know is potentially really bad for you but what you never could imagine living without? grrr. I just read numerous articles about the deadly effects of aspartame in gum. If you don't know already, I am addicted to gum and probably have about a pack a day! I think the aspartame is affecting me though because I do get stomach cramps and pain from too much gum, so I see the dangers in eating it. It's just the fact that I depend on it to keep my mouth occupied so I don't think about eating as much. I am going to try to cut back though.

So apparently eating full fat foods like nuts and butter is good for you. I'm trying to wrap my brain around this fact but it's very difficult. I see the fat content on certain foods and usually run from it but now I need to try to incorporate these scary food into my diet. I have to remember that eating fat doesn't mean it's going to make me fat.

Okay so this no gum thing is harder than I thought it was going to be. I feel like without something constantly in my mouth, all I want to do is eat. My mouth has like an awful taste lets just say it sucks...