Saturday, May 14, 2011

had chicken and a baked potato today for lunch. i wasn't expecting to have it so after i ate it i freaked out about calories but had to remind myself that it wasn't worth it and tried to rememeber how far i've come and how i can't turn back now. after lunch i decided to go to the beach and just bask in the sun.

it's beautiful here (beach). the fish are jumping, the sun is out, it's rather hot and it feels like my face is on fire but it's okay. some lady just jumped in the lake. i have a feeling it was cold by the way she screamed a bit.

it feels nice to just relax and sit here for a bit. it's not something that i would normally do, but i like it. i always feel like i have to be busy or that i'm in a rush so it's nice to just slow down and take in the sunshine and be quiet. it's not really easy, however, but i keep telling myself that it's okay and that it is good and needed.

eating with others is still challenging. i always feel awkward and like i can't just eat normal. i feel like i have to have perfect manners and not be a slob because then they'd think i was a fucking pig and then they'd know how i was so fat. the only good thing i can find about eating with others is that it helps me to slow down and eat instead of gulping it down just to get it over with.

i'm not sure how i feel about not spending the weekend with ben. i have to take care of some doggies so i guess that'll keep me busy but i think it's supposed to rain so i'm not sure what i'll do.

i talked with mom this morning. i told her about  my idea of possibly hiking alone for a couple of days...i thought she was going to tell me that it wasn't a good idea but she didn't. i think she'll let me go if she just knows i'll be safe. we'll see. also she told me about these feather hair extensions..she liked them a lot and said she'd get them for me if i want. i looked them up online and thought they'd be cool. so i might do that.

i feel like sometimes i think i'm the only one going through shit and that i'm the only one that hurts and i feel bad for myself and want other people to feel bad for me too when in reality everybody hurts and goes through something that is hard, weather it be and eating disorder or something else.

i want to stop thinking so much about what i'm going through and instead focus on others and their can i do this? how can i do things for others? how can i make a difference in someone else's life? i don't want to feel sorry for myself anymore because i don't really...i mean the ed has taught me so much, not only about myself but about others and about life in general. i wouldn't be the person i am today if it wasn't for the ed. i want to take what i've learned and move on with my life. i want to help others and help them see tthat ed isn't all bad, because it can teach you things that you would never learn otherwise. you just have to know (and i am still struggling with this) when to let it go...

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