i struggled so long with trying to figure out the whole god thing. i tried to make him a part of my life. i tried to believe that he was there when i needed him, that he loved me unconditionally, that he wanted the best for me, but then i realized that if i didn't love myself and want the best for myself than i would never believe he could love me. i always pretended that he loved me, faking myself into thinking it was true, but it never worked because i didn't love myself. how could i think that someone else could love me, unconditionally, when i didn't even love myself or even thought i deserved love.
i also got to the point when i just broke down and decided god didn't want to help me. i felt abandoned and alone. i kept reading all these things that said to lean on god and he will take care of you, that he will wipe your tears away, that he will make your life better. i tried so hard to believe those things but i could never feel god with me, helping me. i had been through so much and yet i still had so far to go. i felt left behind by god. i didn't know why he wasn't helping me get rid of this disorder. i was the one who really wanted to beat it, not god. i had to do it by myself or i would never be free.
i feel like religion is just a dead end road that makes you feel bad about all the stuff you do. i constantly felt like a failure when i did something "wrong". i didn't want to live under all those rules and restrictions. i believe the best kind of religion is the one with yourself. you have to love yourself in order to make everything else good. loving yourself, the true you, will make you be who you want to be, do what you dreamed of doing, have the things you want, and be free.