She'll Be Free

i dont even know what im feeling right now. im pissed but not really sure why. im so fucked up its not even funny. in one sentance i earn for affection and caring and in the next i push it away like i dont deserve it. the one thing i absolutely hate is when people tell me to just be tough or to get over it. they have no idea the hell i go through on an everyday basis. im sorry i cant be as strong as you. im sorry i cant be perfect and just fix my problems. the funny thing is, is that im not even sure if i want myself to get better. the ed voice doesnt want me to which fights with my heart voice that wants me too. sometimes i get so low that i feel like hurting myself. i dont know what else to do but think that itd be better if i just wasnt here. would it be better? then people wouldnt have to deal with me right? then i wouldnt have to deal with myself. my stupid, no good, worthless piece of shit self. i feel oddly happy when im sad, like i know i deserve it. why should i even think i should be happy? what have i ever done that deserved happiness? when i tell people that the ed is what makes me feel this way, they just tell me to stop believing him and to get rid of him. yeah right. do you know how much i wish i could just do that? if it were that easy i would definitely fucking do it! god. im so pissed. my chest is heavy with so many emotions i dont know what to do. ben is mad at me. if i dont die or pull myself together im going to lose everybody around me. im going to drive them away. is that what i want? no. but thats what ed wants. is it wrong to feel  curiously happy when you have issues? because this is how i feel a lot of the times. like, finally im special. i have fucking issues. if i lose this disorder i lose my issues. the issues that put me at risk. the issues that get attention from others. the issues that are life an death. i want to be special. i want for people to care and help me, yet i dont want them to help me or try to understand the way i feel. i dont want help. i want help. i need help.