Tuesday, May 31, 2011
today has been kinda depressing. i don't feel like i have done anything productive at all. i walk and eat and go on the computer. i had dinner at 2:30pm. i looked up various things about eating and hunger online and felt pretty crappy about myself. what happens is that when there is nothing to do i eat little things (i don't binge or anything like that) but i eat when i know i'm not hungry. i got really down on myself for doing this because i hate when i cave back into old ways. i feel like i failed and thus that makes me a failure. but i know that if i accept these thoughts and continue to feel these feelings and have regrets, i'm not going to get anywhere. there's nothing i can do now so i just need to let the past go and start again. and then i thought, so what? who gives a fuck? so i feel like i ate a ton (which i really didn't), who cares? i'm not going to die and my body needs the energy. i'm not perfect, i'm not supposed to eat perfectly every day, i had formed a habit of eating early without feeling hungry and obviously it's not going to be easy to change that. i'm going to have set backs and mishaps and that's natural. it doesn't make me a failure. it helps me to learn what to do better next time. i refuse to fall victim to these negative ed thoughts. they will not control me.