Wednesday, November 21, 2012

{how he saved me}

I was reflecting yesterday and realized something huge. I'm pretty sure it's what has allowed me to progress so much in my recovery.

I realized that Ben cured me.

Well, kind of.

It started a while ago, I would be explaining to him that I just ate "way too" much food and thus I would automatically wind up being fat in the morning, and he would just laugh and say that that's impossible. He would argue with me, tell me that my thoughts were crazy, and that they would never happen. 

This went on for some time. I would constantly be complaining about how my body looked and how I overate and would thus become fat instantly and he would dispel my thoughts by laughing and challenging me.

At first, I would get mad and try to challenge him back "You're lying. I am totally going to gain 10 pounds overnight. You'll see." But after a while, I began to see how crazy and irrational my thoughts were and I would start to laugh at myself. Of course nobody gains weight overnight, just by eating 200 or whatever calories more than they were "allowed". 
No, it just doesn't work like that.

Ed still didn't want me to believe that he was wrong so the feelings were still there. But after some time of seeing my thoughts as completely irrational, I began to let them go more and more. 

I guess I thought of this because the other night I was eating and afterwards, I immediately began to tell Ben about how fat I'd be in the morning and then I caught myself, and began saying the same thing over but this time I said it  as if I was making fun of myself for thinking this way. 

"Yep, I just ate a lot and now I'm gonna be so huge tomorrow because that can totally happen! Haha."

I no longer needed Ben to do it for me, rather I could make fun of my own thoughts by realizing just how crazy they sounded. 

It's funny to think back and see all of my previous Ed thoughts that were so wacked that I find myself laughing and wondering how I actually thought those were true. But then I remember just how manipulative Ed can be and how enticing his promises were. 

It's hard to disagree with someone who promises you control and worthiness. 

"Oh Tay, if you don't have that extra calorie, you'll have total control and be so loved."

"Haha Ed, you will never have that kind of power over me. EVER. I know everything you say is a lie, so why don't you just stop trying. I'm done falling for your evil tricks."

I still have says where I find myself enticed by Ed's "deals", but the difference now is that I can recognize them and disobey them. 

I really think that Ben helped though, because without him there to make me see how absurd my thoughts were, I wouldn't be able to see them and I wouldn't be able to change them. 

Thanks Love. 

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