this weekend i was lucky enough to go to kripalu for a byron katie workshop so i have been here since friday night and have been reflecting on what was being said and what i have been experiencing while thinking about my life and the thoughts in my head. the biggest thing that i think i have learned so far has been the simple fact that people have the same feelings, thoughts as i do. i have been told this more times than i can count but i never believed it because i never saw it. i always saw people as happy and with no problems or their problems weren't as bad as mine. however, this weekend has really opened my eyes up to the fact that everyone has something. everyone has some issue, some problem, something that they are working on or that is hard for them or that is making them miserable. i didn't really get this until today within the last hour or so of the program when a lady stood up and did the work with katie who had an addiction to opium. at first i was thinking 'oh we have nothing in common because shes addicted to opium and i am clearly not' but then when she got into the work and started really looking at her life and what her thoughts were saying i found her to be exactly like me in terms of our thoughts. she talked about how she always felt judged and would impose ideas and words onto the people around her because she thought they were judging her. she interpreted her parents saying a simple 'good morning' as 'you should have been up earlier'. i do this all the time with everything and everyone. ben does something or doesn't do something so i internalize it as 'he doesn't care' or 'he thinks this or that about me' when in reality he never even said anything! it's crazy what we do when we believe our thoughts!!
the other thing that was amazing to me was how this lady had an image in her mind of what she thought was a healthy her, someone who she wanted and strived to be. she said she pictured this imaginary lady as thin and happy and beautiful and basically 'superwomen', but in fact this image wasn't even real! she was striving to be someone who didn't even exist. she was comparing herself constantly to someone who was imaginary, who was a nothing. i do this in my head as well. i see a strong, beautiful, thin women who is laughing and happy and outgoing and has everything together and everyone loves her. but this women is a nothing. she doesn't exist. she's my imagination and i will always fall short when comparing myself to her because she's not real. one thing that katie said that was so very true was the fact that even if we were able to get to be somewhat like this image in our heads, in my case, say i got to the weight i saw her as, okay so now you would think i would be happy because i was now equal in weight with this imaginary women but no, i would have another image in my head of a women who i would compare myself to and it would be a vicious cycle over and over again. it's just plain craziness!
so i have learned a lot just in two days but i am still learning and still trying to look inside to become myself again.