i was walking at the mall yesterday night because it was raining and snowing outside and actually learned a few things.

one: people annoy me (okay, so i already knew this one but it just got reaffirmed)

two: there are SO many different body types out there. it's crazy to try to compare yourself to other people because even though someone may be smaller or bigger than you, they may have a smaller frame or a smaller hip width or a bigger rib cage, etc. so when you see that one girl who looks thinner than you just remember that their body shape and frame is different from yours and that you are both unique and beautiful (this is more advice just for myself).

three: why would you ever want to be like a store mannequin? why would you want to look like a straight board? they have no similarities to what an actual women looks like whatsoever. women should have womanly curves because that's what makes you sexy, not being a stick....

so as i walked around the mall observing all these things i repeated to myself: "i love my womanly curves" and "i am a miracle and my body is unique and one of a kind"

it's not easy trying to look at your body in this light, when for as long as you can remember, you saw your body as bad or not as good, but it takes practice and time and it will be so worth it when you can look at yourself one day and really love everything that you are. (again, advice more just to myself)

things that made me happy yesterday:

1. i actually studied for my math test so i felt good about that.
2. i listened to some louise hay which helped me.
3. i laid down for once and relaxed which felt good. 
4. i felt more comfortable with ben's friends.
5. brandon, karl, and james all asked me if i wanted anything at the dining hall. thought it was nice.
6. watched brokeback mountain. 
7. got made fun of for watching brokeback mountain but it was funny. 
8. laughed with brandon, karl, rose, and james. 
9. i laughed until my stomach hurt and i was crying over stupid stuff on the internet with ben. 
10. i was able to stay up later than ben!
11. watching the office with karl and ben. 
12. folding ben's clothes at 1 o'clock in the morning.
13. taking a shower and liking my hair for once. 
14. feeling free. 

i just read something that someone posted on pinterest.com that said "all i want is to be happy, confident an skinny as hell" and i am so angry. partly because this triggers me beyond words and partly because it's so sad that people believe that being skinny as hell is what will make them happy and confident. no matter how skinny you get you're still you. you still have all the thoughts you always had. the only thing that changes is your body and that won't even be a good change because if you are skinny as hell you probably one, look like hell, feel like hell, and on the brink of death. so to whoever posted this quote, you need to rethink your goals...

i believe that people love me conditionally so it's a total shocker to have someone show me that their love is unconditional.

it's a lazy day today i have decided. it's been raining all morning and the weather people say there is a chance of snow. i am feeling very weird. i ate but i feel completely empty throughout my whole body and very weak. my head is heavy and i feel kinda dizzy. laying down seems to be a good thing right now...

things that made me smile/happy/laugh today:

• each time i found a little surprise that ben left me
• waking up to ben next to me
• going for a good walk
• spending less than last time at the grocery store
• seeing the same person multiple times at the store (it was getting awkward)
• watching nick vujicic's video
• looking at my engagement ring
• thinking about my wedding and all the details

last friday night ben and i went to the SU football game and before it started they had a former graduate who was in the military say hello over the big screen to his wife and two kids and then he surprised them by running out on the field to hug them. i'm not sure why but i just wanted to ball my eyes out when i saw them reunite. maybe it was because i could sense their happiness when they finally saw their husband and dad again, or maybe it was because i was once in their shoes, although in a very different situation, i had to miss ben for a long while and then finally was reunited with him that i could just imagine what that family must have felt like. it was amazing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gc4HGQHgeFE

ben showed me this video one day and i couldn't stop watching it. i even put it on my ipod so i could listen to it when i needed some uplifting. i love how he talks about not feeling good enough and how every girl is beautiful. it  feels as though he is talking straight to me. i have watched some of his other videos as well and one things that stuck out to me was his advise on trying to focus on the good things about yourself rather than the bad things. he doesn't have any arms and legs but he said he started to focus on his eyes which he liked and that helped him. i decided to try this and i really like my hands and wrists so i'm trying to focus on these good things instead of the things i don't like so much. it's not really the easiest things to do because for some reason the negatives invade the positives but maybe overtime it will get easier...

check this out: http://pinterest.com/indyink/don-t-compare-yourself-to-celebrities/ It's eye opening!

yesterday i was doing some research into photoshopping and i read that 99.9% of photos in just one magazine are photoshopped. is that just crazy or what? what is our world coming to? sad.

i find it both funny and frustrating that no matter where i go there is always that one person who has to comment on how little i speak and when i do talk, it's noticed and commented on. i hate this so much, but there has to be some reason for it. i had it at elementary school, middle school, high school, and now college. what is the lesson i am supposed to learn from these annoying people?

i have been seeing a counselor at the school's wellness center and it's surprising to me how beneficial it has been. i haven't typically had good luck with going to therapy but there's something different about this. i really like the counselor. she's really nice and easy to talk with. but i think the biggest thing that is different is the fact that i am able to be open and honest with myself and therefore i can be open and honest with her. this, i believe, is what is most needed from the patient because if you are not willing to be honest and willing to admit the things you are doing (even though it may feel sucky) then you will never get anywhere. the times i went to therapy before, i wasn't ready to be honest with them because i hadn't yet been honest with myself. i was denying things i was doing and didn't want someone else to judge me on what i did or didn't do or what i was thinking. i have come a long way i think :)

it's amazing how much a simple walk in the fresh air can help me. i was feeling overwhelmingly sad this afternoon and when i decided to take a walk i started to feel a lot better. i think it's mainly because i can walk and talk opening about everything and anything without any judgement or thinking that someone is listening. i can be honest and say whatever i need to and not need to have someone approve of me and my thoughts. no one is there to laugh at me or question what i'm thinking. it's pretty sweet. i felt a lot happier after i walked for a while. it's good therapy. and cheap!

reasons to recover: from http://100reasonstorecover.tumblr.com/ and some of my own too!

1) so that you can believe them when they say "i love you"

2) because guilt will kill you

3) to experience real laughter

4) because there is more to life than how much you weigh

5) so you can have beautiful children and a family

6) so you can stop blaming and lying

7) so you can stop the competition

8) to realize how beautiful you are when you stop trying to be perfect

9) so you can see how wonderful life can be

10) because you owe it to yourself

11) to realize that being happy doesn't have anything to do with your body size

12) so you can do the things you said you would always do

13) so you can finally believe in yourself

14) because people who love you want to see you happy and confident

15) so that people will trust you again

16) because negative attention sucks

17) because being sad sucks

18) so you can have energy again

19) to be proud of yourself

20) to not feel like you are always in a fog

21) so you can focus again

22) because you deserve it

23) to do the things you once could

24) to stop hurting the ones who love you by hurting yourself

25) so you can look forward to another day instead of dreading it

26) to know that there is more to life than wanting to sleep

27) to free yourself

28) to believe him when he calls you beautiful

29) to finally realize that people will love you for you are are, regardless of your weight

30) because your scars shouldn't define your future

31) so that family gatherings are not painful

32) so that holidays can be joyful

33) to be able to have fun again

34) to stop pushing people away

35) to finally feel like you should live as opposed to thinking you shouldn't

36) to realize the world is not going to end if something doesn't go the way you planned

37) to have control over ed and not the other way around

38) so you don't have to lie awake wondering if you will wake up in the morning

39) because you deserve to nourish yourself without feeling guilty or bad for doing so

40) for the people who said they'd never give up on you

41.) so you don't have fake being happy

42) because you are worth it

43) so that counting calories is not the only thing that runs through your head

44) so you can wear short sleeves in the summer

45) so you can be proud of your body

46) so you can accept compliments

47) because hating yourself is a waste of time

48) because going to the beach is supposed to be fun

49) to break free from the scale

50) because anxiety over what you ate is pointless

51) to be able to go to the grocery store and not worry about if people are judging you by what's in your cart

52) because hurting yourself and starving yourself will not suddenly make you a better person

53) so you can let go of needing to be better than others

54) because reaching perfection is impossible

55) so you never have to watch your lover cry because they think you are going to die

56) because you are beautiful 

57) so you can look in the mirror without picking every single inch of your appearance

58) so you can trust yourself and your body

59) so you can have control over your thoughts

60) to be able to see the positives instead of the negatives

61) so you can be yourself

62) so that you can enjoy your birthday for once

63) because food is meant to be enjoyed

64) so you don't have to lie to yourself anymore

65) being able to realize how much people actually care about you

66) so you can feel like life is worth living

67) because hospital visits suck

68) to feel happy in your own body

69) so you don't have to rely on others for your happiness

70) so you can finally live

my body is amazing.

i will let this sink in for a while...

single rooms are amazing and they save lives.

long time no write. i haven't had the motivation lately. this seems to be the pattern for a lot of things. i can't seem to find the motivation to write, draw, do schoolwork, etc. i have, however found the motivation to continue doing the work of byron katie which i talked about in my last post. i signed up for the work online which has been very convenient. it's been really helpful, especially with ben and school related things. i read a quote the other day by byron katie that said "all sadness is a tantrum" and at first i didn't believe it, but after days of pondering about it i have come to see how it is true. sadness is something you do when things don't go your way or something happened that you didn't like. most of the time anyways. it's like getting sad over not being able to go some where that you really wanted to go. it's a tantrum. why? because you're upset over something that didn't happen the way you wanted it to. you are sad and upset at reality. it's kinda confusing at first to understand the work of byron katie, as some ideas are hard to grasp, but as you continue to do it and as long as you have a completely open mind and are able to be honest with yourself, it can be a very life changing experience.

this weekend i was lucky enough to go to kripalu for a byron katie workshop so i have been here since friday night and have been reflecting on what was being said and what i have been experiencing while thinking about my life and the thoughts in my head. the biggest thing that i think i have learned so far has been the simple fact that people have the same feelings, thoughts as i do. i have been told this more times than i can count but i never believed it because i never saw it. i always saw people as happy and with no problems or their problems weren't as bad as mine. however, this weekend has really opened my eyes up to the fact that everyone has something. everyone has some issue, some problem, something that they are working on or that is hard for them or that is making them miserable. i didn't really get this until today within the last hour or so of the program when a lady stood up and did the work with katie who had an addiction to opium. at first i was thinking 'oh we have nothing in common because shes addicted to opium and i am clearly not' but then when she got into the work and started really looking at her life and what her thoughts were saying i found her to be exactly like me in terms of our thoughts. she talked about how she always felt judged and would impose ideas and words onto the people around her because she thought they were judging her. she interpreted her parents saying a simple 'good morning' as 'you should have been up earlier'. i do this all the time with everything and everyone. ben does something or doesn't do something so i internalize it as 'he doesn't care' or 'he thinks this or that about me' when in reality he never even said anything! it's crazy what we do when we believe our thoughts!!
the other thing that was amazing to me was how this lady had an image in her mind of what she thought was a healthy her, someone who she wanted and strived to be. she said she pictured this imaginary lady as thin and happy and beautiful and basically 'superwomen', but in fact this image wasn't even real! she was striving to be someone who didn't even exist. she was comparing herself constantly to someone who was imaginary, who was a nothing. i do this in my head as well. i see a strong, beautiful, thin women who is laughing and happy and outgoing and has everything together and everyone loves her. but this women is a nothing. she doesn't exist. she's my imagination and i will always fall short when comparing myself to her because she's not real. one thing that katie said that was so very true was the fact that even if we were able to get to be somewhat like this image in our heads, in my case, say i got to the weight i saw her as, okay so now you would think i would be happy because i was now equal in weight with this imaginary women but no, i would have another image in my head of a women who i would compare myself to and it would be a vicious cycle over and over again. it's just plain craziness!
so i have learned a lot just in two days but i am still learning and still trying to look inside to become myself again.

it's funny how at one point in my life i considered myself to be pretty positive and even other people thought so too, but now i feel like all i ever am is negative and have a hard time looking for the good...i'm not sure what caused this change though...i'm having a hard time being positive about anything lately...

i never thought i'd say this but i can't wait for winter and not just because that's when i get to leave this miserable place but because then i can wear my hat and cover up my awful hair and i can wear jackets to cover up my arms and stuff...

sometimes people are such assholes. sometimes all i want to say to them is "what is your fucking problem you bitch?" i know it sounds harsh but i mean seriously. like today in math class i held the door for this girl and she didn't say thank you and then i went to move my bag out of the way for another girl because it was in the aisle and she just whipped past me and gave me a bitchy look...all i was trying to do was be nice and what do i get?

i know i have unrealistic expectations for people so it sucks when they don't meet them in the way i think they should. i know i shouldn't do this because it just makes me upset and starts unnecessary arguments...i talk myself into thinking that because someone hasn't done one of these expectations that it must mean they hate me and never think about me and have forgotten about me and so on...i don't know why i do this and wish i could stop...

got weighed at the health center here...i was pretty worried it was going to be higher because i feel like i've gained so much since being here but to my surprise it was the same as always. i feel a huge relief after that. phew, ed was lying to me the whole time and now i can relax a bit knowing i haven't gained...

sometimes i feel like it would be easier if i just went home and wasn't part of all this college life stuff...i hate it so much...i feel like i'm going to be forgotten within all the homework and tests and studying going on, that maybe if i was home, people would miss me or something...it's depressing thinking about it.

sometimes i wonder why i even take art classes...i somehow think they're going to be a "fun" class but in reality it's the one class i dread going to. it's more painful than just a regular lecture class probably because i feel most alone during it...

i raised my hand yesterday in math...okay so not a big deal but to me this is a HUGE deal! i felt pretty proud of myself because i knew the answer and usually i would just keep it to myself but nope, not this time, this time i actually raised my hand and answered the question and i was right! so exciting.

if there is so much more to life than the number on the scale and the size of your stomach or thighs than how come i can't see this? why does it have to be so hard to get this fact through my brain?

sometimes i just wish i would turn my phone on and there was a sweet message...something as little as that would make my day...


feeling uncomfortable now even just wearing a t-shirt...

when i was at the worst with the ed i still had all the body image issues i am having now and have always had (weather or not i have cellulite, how much my stomach sticks out, how big my love handles are, my knees and legs, and my arms). it's almost funny when i think about it because ed tries to trick me into wanting to go back to the behaviors but what's the point? nothing is going to be better if i do, everything will actually be worse...i will still have all my issues (and even more), i will still have all the body image issues, so it's not going to solve anything by returning to eds lies. i have to learn how to accept my body and be happy with what i have now or else nothing is going to get better.

25 things i like about myself (no body parts)

1. i can make beautiful collages
2. my cool sharpie and pen drawings
3. i am a thinker 
4. i am an introvert
5. i have a good sense of color (i tend to know what colors go together)
6. i have a lot of passions
7. i am good at being quiet and listening
8. i'm pretty adventurous

i'll come back to this list...i can't seem to think of any more things...

life sucks. this is all i have to say.

alright so i thought this was pretty helpful...in my psychology class today she had us close our eyes and imagine certain things and one of those things was to imagine a loved on hugging you and how you feel when this happens. of course i imagined ben hugging me and i could actually feel his presence just as if he was actually there in the room. it was eye opening for me because this would never work for me before.

went to see Amanda at the wellness center this morning. i felt like it went well. better than well actually. i shared and talked about stuff that i have never even shared with my mom before. usually i keep it to myself and feel alone with it but i let it out and didn't feel guilty or bad about it. come to find out, the things that i have been feeling are very common and a lot of people feel the same way. learn something new everyday.

last night i told ben some things that have been on my mind a lot lately. i've been feeling kinda hopeless about the future and not really looking forward to life in general and the main reason, i think, is the fact that i don't want to grow up. i believe that is my biggest issue and everything stems from that for the most part. i am afraid of growing up and having all the responsibilities associated with that so i tried to stop my body from becoming a women and thus making me feel like a kid still...time still runs though and thus i'm growing up no matter if i want to or not, right now i'm just not liking it. i hate being on my own and having to rely on myself for things because i don't believe i am strong enough to grow up yet...  

went to a support group last night at this place in liverpool, ny. it was a group for ed sufferers and since i had never gone to any type of support group i thought i'd give it a try. i almost didn't go because ed tried to talk me out of it. he was all like: you can't go because you'll be the biggest one there, everyone else is going to be skinny and it'll just make you feel bad. this was tempting because i knew it wasn't that far from the truth. i knew that if i ended up going and all the other girls were smaller, then, yes, i would feel pretty bad about myself but i think ed didn't want me to go just because the fact that i was making a step to reach out and get better.
anyways, i ended up making myself go and it was fine. i really didn't know what to expect, but i found that i liked it. there was one other girl there who was my age, one girl there who was scary skinny and three older (like over 50) women there. we weren't allowed to talk about any behaviors or about what type of ed we had or anything so that was good and i wasn't pressured into talking which i was relieved about. although one of the older women was all like "everyone should talk...i get annoyed when not everybody shares" and so on. i felt kinda bad but maybe next week i'll share more.
the other girl that was my age was cool, i kinda want to get to know her better and maybe be friends.
there was a couple things that were said that made me think and one of those things was a thought that i had had not too long ago about how, instead of thinking about food as something that would make me fat or uncomfortable, think about it as a source of life-giving energy, think about what the nutrients in the certain type of food are doing for my body and how it's nourishing me. the girl who was sitting next to me said this exact same thing last night so that was interesting.
one thing that struck me was how, if i saw these people on the street and didn't know anything about them, i would never suspect that they had an ed of any kind. the girl sitting next to me was obviously very sick so she doesn't count because if i saw her outside the group i could probably guess that she had anorexia. but with the others i would have no clue, they'd just be people who i viewed as normal people with no problems...so anyway, yeah...not quite sure where i'm going with all this but basically i want to go back next week to this group and in the meantime, realize that even though i may not notice from the outside, everybody has something (maybe ed) that they're dealing with. no body is perfect. no body is free from troubles. i'm not alone.

ed likes to trick me into believing that i've put on weight here or there so that he can get me to feel bad about myself. he's usually pretty good at doing this but today, for some reason, i've caught him and i am no longer going to fall victim to his lies. he likes to pick out the spots where there is so called "fat" and make me criticize myself for these areas, when in fact they are not areas of "fat" but actually healthy muscle. obviously he can't tell the difference...i read an article this morning about how our lives are meant to be so much more than just trying to obtain a think figure or watching what we eat or controlling our weight to within certain standards. i mean seriously, when i really stop and think about this fact, i actually start laughing at how stupid and vain we/i are/am. there is so much more to life than that! we are stronger than that, we are worth more than that! we are not defined by our body weight, type, clothes size, etc. we have so many other things to do in our lives, why should how we feel about our bodies get in the way with that...? just something to think about...

Days will come when you don't have the strength
And all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart
They'd see too much

Chorus
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

Praying that you have the heart to fight
'Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

Be Enough Me from justbeenough.com

• What are you proud of this week?
• What do you like about You?
• What made you want to smile this week?
• What is one thing that reminds you that you are ENOUGH?
• What do you when you doubt that you are ENOUGH?

notes i took in my first year seminar class:

CURA PERSONALIS
(care of you as a whole person)

GO
FORTH
and
SET
the
WORLD
on
FIRE

{what's going to make me happy?}


who am i supposed to be present for today?

-INTROVERTS-

<INNER FREEDOM>

happiness for me:

• following my heart
• doing what's right for me
• following my inner passions, desires, wants
• being true to myself-not trying to be anyone else
• believing in myself
• reaching a personal goal
• knowing who i am

...but how do i know if it's the right decision...?

i hate life. i hate everything right now. i hate how ben is always better than me. he is strong and capable. he has friends. he has everything. i want to go home. i hate being here. i hate being alive.

sometimes i have no clue where to go to get my issues out....i try to talk to my mom and she gets mad at me or else i just have a hard time telling her how i feel especially when it comes to things such as food and body stuff...i try to tell ben about stuff just to get it off my chest but it just makes him stressed so i don't know what to do because i feel like i need to tell someone but someone who's going to be there to comfort me, to make me feel better because obviously i'm horrible at doing this for myself. i always feel like ed turns my comforting into excuses so i get so lost...

i try to comfort myself: every body is different. 
but then ed comes and shoots me down: yeah but you should be smaller than her. 


you can see how frustrating and tiresome this can become...i usually just give up.

i feel so gross and just want to go the fuck home.

just looked in the mirror and swear i was about to cry. i must have gained like five pounds over the weekend. i feel gross and don't know what to do. i haven't eaten yet and don't have any want to. i don't even know how i'm functioning right now...i'm so depressed.

goal for the day: eat as little as possible.

i hate my body. i don't know how i gained so much weight but i need to lose it. being here just makes everything worse. i need to go home.

why do i feel so immensely huge and gross? i don't get it. just the other day i was feeling okay about everything and now it's the complete opposite. how can that be?

such a bad mood right now...i hate everything...i hate facebook, it's so depressing...i want so badly to just go the fuck home...i hate this place...i hate people...i just want to cry now...

i hate college. roommates suck ass. life sucks balls. i want to go home.

wow i am totally sick right now...i have consumed way to much candy...i feel pretty disgusting right now, but i'm trying not to let it other me...this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass.

i don't know why i can't just look in the mirror and accept myself...why is this so difficult for me? all i do is pick out the parts of myself that i don't like and analyze these parts to death. the part that is bothering me the most at the moment are my arms. i feel like they are huge. i know that sense i started working out they have gotten bigger due to the new muscle i built up so that's why they look bigger but it's hard for me to realize this because alll i see is fat, not muscle.

i was sitting in history this morning and man are those chairs uncomfortable! my back was aching because my bones kept rubbing the chair and i was in pain the whole class. it sucked.


i walk around campus looking for people who are smaller than me and when i see someone who is i make myself feel better by believing they have an eating disorder of some sort. i read online that 91% of college students have eating issues so i'm probably not that off when i say this.

the other thing i try to do is remind myself that i want to be strong, not weak because when i was weak, i couldn't do the things i love, like hiking or running, etc. i want to be healthy and no sick because being sick is not fun no matter what i tell myself. it's hard but i must constantly tell myself that i am beautiful and perfect just the way i am and being smaller is not the answer to my problems and will not make me more worthy or a better person by any means...

so apparently i walk very fast i've learned. i was passing people left and right getting to class and back to the dorm not only today but the other days as well...i guess i just can't walk slow...it's annoying.

i recently talked to on of the resident directors of my dorm because i had asked if i could take food out from the cafeteria (i hate going there to eat). i thought this was a very reasonable question but apparently it wasn't. i was told that going to the dining hall would help me make friends and shit like that but in all honesty i really have no interest in making friends. i'm leaving after the first semester anyway so fuck it. i like being able to just do what i want and not have to spend tons of energy (which is exhausting for me) trying to hang out with people which just makes me feel worse about everything. what is the big deal with that? i don't get it. i have decided to just not go to anybody for any more help or advice because the all say the exact fucking thing. it's dumb. i mean i don't like hate lemoyne or anything, i think it's a fine school and everybody has been very helpful there but this whole college thing is just not for me i don't think....i don't know. it's whatever.

sometimes i think i'm pretty hypocritical to be completely honest because i collect so many wonderful and inspiring quotes and put them up on my walls but when times are actually tough i don't tend to read any of these things even though they could be potentially very helpful. instead, i tend to refuse to read anything that could be remotely helpful and i haven't figured out why. this happens with music in a similar way as well. i like listening to music only when i'm happy because all other times i will just become more depressed. even if the song has meaningful or uplifting lyrics, they will most always bring me more sadness as opposed to happiness. it's weird.

how can i go from somewhat loving my body (last week) to somewhat hating it (this week)? i just don't get it. i feel completely and utterly gross and feel like i've gained weight. is ed just tricking me or is it true? i feel like every time i look in the mirror all i see is the fat on my hips and how big they look when i lean back and the fat on my legs and arms and stomach. i hate it. all i see is fat. this is not normal. right? i don't know what to do because right now i really am just forcing myself to eat because all the thoughts and behaviors are coming back...

i'm trying to remind myself that going back to behaviors is not at all going to help me and that it's not healthy...that actually not eating will harm me greater than just eating regularly...i don't know. blah.

yesterday: got up and ran by 8:4AM then went for a walk at 2:15PM then worked out for a bit before heading over to ben's for the night.

today: going to the gym after first class at 9:20AM and then probably again to run on the track after last class at 3:20PM then heading over to ben's again most likely.

the only thing that's getting me through each day is knowing that i don't have to come back next semester. i applied to ashford university which has an online holistic program that looked amazing. my mom gave me a good deal that i couldn't pass up, she said that if i stuck it out for this semester (until december) that she would pay for an apartment and support me in any decision i made. i'm pretty dead set on getting an apartment in january and doing online classes...so yeah.

two classes today...wish me luck :p

been having contradicting thoughts today about eating. i feel like i've gained weight since being at college and that scars me..so one thought i had today was not to eat and go back to old behaviors thus resulting in weight loss but the other thought was that life is here for us to live so why starve myself and what's the big deal with gaining a bit of weight...? i feel like i want to lose weight but i feel like i'm eating too much but then my heart voice peaks through telling me that i can't go back to the bad behaviors because what's the point of that? if i start back doing bad behaviors and stuff then how do i expect to every beat this stupid disease? my other side is telling me to just have fun and eat whatever and workout and just do what feels right because life is short and it's supposed to be fun right?

things that make me happy (on-going):

• walking/running
• being with ben
• watching marlin
• decorating my room
• my mom
• getting love letters
• romantic gestures
• surprises
• talking/thinking about my wedding day
• cute, random text messages 
• talking about meaningful things/real conversations
• hearing how ben feels about me
• hugs
• drawing

it's funny how different people think about what is healthy and what is not. i met with the chef today at lemoyne to talk about how he can help me find foods that i like and i got into saying how i didn't eat high fructose corn syrup and he was all over that. he tried to convince me that corn syrup was actually healthy in that it's from corn. haha. i didn't argue but i know inside that high fructose corn syrup is not healthy for you. so anyways after he told me all these things and showed me the food they have i basically figured out that i just don't want to eat in the dinning hall. it's that simple. i don't like to go there and my excuse is that i can't find anything there(which isn't true), but whatever..so i want to isolate in my room and eat my food, so be it. at least for now.

i think part of not liking all this being away from home and college stuff is the simple fact that I DON'T WANT TO GROW UP. it's really simple...i don't want to be on my own, i don't want to have to do things for myself (even though i do these already), it's quite the reality shock being here and suddenly realizing that i only have myself to lean on...

i really want to do online classes but i want to do them at home, not here. even if i was able to get an apartment i'd still be sad because all i want to do is be at home, in the one place that i love. i wish that ben didn't like his school so then he could transfer to a different school near home so then i'd feel better. some days (like yesterday) i am totally content with being by myself and not to comparing myself to others, but then other days (like this morning) i am sad and just want to be home and be able to talk with my mom and see her. i miss her the most, even though when i was home she was working all the time, there's a comfort about knowing she's there and being out here (in new york) i just can't feel her with me. i miss her hugs and talking with her about everything...

taken from an email i received from sui solitaire

What scares you? in a nutshell: everything. 

 

What scares you about learning to love yourself? learning something that i don't want to know...seeing myself as bad.

 

What scares you about letting go of dependency on externals? that i'll be alone. that people won't be there for me. that i can't do things on my own. 

 

What scares you about letting go of fear and guilt and perfectionism? that i won't be accepted. that i'll be judged and laughed at. that i won't like myself. 

 

What scares you about letting go of your body hatred? that people won't like me and my body. that i won't like myself as i am. that i'll be out of control. 

 

What scares you about letting go of your negativity? the feelings that i deserve to be unhappy. 

 

What scares you about depending on yourself? that i won't be able to hold myself together. that i will fail. 

 

What scares you about trusting yourself? not knowing if i'm right or not. that i will make a mistake. that people won't be okay with my decisions. 

 

What scares you about living, right here, right now? everything. the people, the environment. myself. the food. gaining weight. being forgotten. being alone. feeling lonely. feeling judged. 

all i have to do is make it through one year. that's it, just one year. then ben and i can get an apartment and i can take online courses and possibly do part time somewhere. one year is doable (i hope). i will suffer through it.

i panic when i don't have control over things or a certain situation so i immediately try to fix the problem in any way possible. i like to have things figured out so i know what's happening. this does work sometimes but most of the time it just leads to irrational decisions and stress up to my eye balls. i have a hard time just letting things go and letting them work out on their own or just taking time to think and ponder over what is going on or bothering me...

i think once classes start i'll be better...i need something to focus me...and once i start meeting people in my classes, i'll be more comfortable maybe? i hope so anyway. i think that being busy will be something i want to do, because then i don't have to rely on ben so much...i feel like a total bug, always wanting to hang out with him and missing him like crazy but i don't know what else to do ya know...i need him because he's the one person who understands me when no one else can and of course my mom does but she's so far away its so hard.

at ben's school...idk why but right when i got here and he started telling me stuff about school and all he's been doing i got super sad...i just wanna be with him all the time...he's the only thing that makes me feel like myself and completely free. my biggest fear is that he's going to get too busy with all the classes and things that he's gonna have to do, that he won't have enough time for me and to hang out and that he'll forget about me...

it's weird how when you go to new places, certain people remind you of the people you used to know back home...i wonder if this is just a comfort strategy, like so you feel safer with these new people if you can pretend you recognize them...

i just want to go home so bad...i hate all the people here (okay not all of them)...i just can't do this. it's all so overwhelming. all i want to do is be with ben, where i feel comfortable and free.

i'm such a bug...no wonder nobody likes me....

drove eight hours with mom...left at 6:45am and got to lemoyne at 2:30pm. went to see ben at esf and had dinner at chipotle burrito place in syracuse and then came back to lemoyne to move things into my room. i felt good moving stuff in...it made me feel better knowing everything's good room wise and that i like it so far. i felt good talking with the girls who helped me..they were upperclassmen. hopefully tomorrow will go smoothly.

ben's right...when am i going to grow up? when am i going to accept that i'm a women? when am i going to realize that the weight that i'm at will need to go up as i take form into my new body?

why do i push people away?

Why can't i ever accept my body? will i ever be able to? what is so important about having your body look a certain way anyhow? why make it your life goal to have a perfect body when one, that's not even possible and two, you are already amazing and beautiful the way you are?

tell me, who is it that dictates to us how we should look and what we should eat? why do we listen to these people? why do we try so hard to obtain something that isn't even worth it? is success in life based on how flat your stomach is or how muscular your arms are? What do we believe we will get if we have these things and the "perfect" body?

i feel so extremely gross and fat yet i know i've lost weight. where? how the fuck could i have lost weight when i feel so huge? if anything, i've gained weight. all i want to do is run, walk, jog, anything that involves moving and burning calories. i don't understand how i can feel this gross and yet be underweight. i will never be okay with m body...

i'm so sick of eating. i haven't moved for the past four days and i just can't stand it anymore. from being sick to being in severe pain, this week has downright sucked. i hate feeling lazy, especially when the people around me can do whatever they want. god.

i never really realized just how boring the gym can be until today. i have no music to listen to nor book to read and i'm going nuts. it's hard to stay motivated when there's nothing to keep me entertained. you never know how hard it is to bike for thirty minutes or run on the treadmill without any distractions...

all i want to do right now is not eat and fall back into everything. i'm always fucking sad and no one gives a shit. why am i always forgotten? why do i always feel forgotten?

So yes, regarding to the fiance thing...I got engaged while on our road trip!!!! Ben purposed in Virginia on a special spot on the Appalachian Trail. We watched the sunset and then danced and as he was shaking, he got down on one knee and pulled out the most beautiful ring I had ever seen. I said yes of course and that was that!! It was the best night of my life by far:) The wedding probably won't take place for another two or three years, however, so we can get college and money situated and since we're so young and all. It's pretty damn exciting!!

"Life is complicated, unpredictable, and often scary. It is not always possible to control your life, but you can control what you eat. A heavy-handed domination over what goes onto your fork or spoon can create the comfortable illusion that your life is no longer in danger of veering from the plan."


This is a quote from skwigg.com that my fiance (I will explain this later!) found when he was worried about me. I felt like this struck a chord in me basically because it just sounds so right on about some of the underlying stuff for me. I think that if I can as least control what's going into my body and how much exercise I get, that the things in life that I can't control won't bother me as much. It doesn't really work very well, though...

I think sometimes the reason why I continue with this whole eating thing is because I believe it makes me different than others, like being extremely thin will set me apart from others and thus give me control and power. It's really apparent to me regarding the issue with my arms. I have been working out and lifting weights and thus noticing that my arms are getting stronger which also means they look bigger and feel bigger. This, obviously, scares me and makes me feel normal which I hate so much. I feel like I want my arms to be skinny like they used to be and then I won't be normal and people will be jealous of me or something....

things i learned on the road trip:

1. patience
2. patience
3. patience

things that make me poopy:

1. being hot
2. being hungry
3. being tired
4. being around a lot of people
5. not feeling good about myself/body
6. driving in crowed areas

"all the stress that we feel is caused by arguing with what it." -byron katie

i'm having a hard time choosing a major because i want to do everything.

it's so much better when i have breakfast later in the morning, like around ten, because then i don't eat as much compared to if i ate breakfast at seven and then again at ten. it feels better obviously.

i've decided that if i want to appear normal (or somewhat normal) while going out to eat for breakfast, eggs are the best solution and safest bet. all other breakfast foods served at a regular diner are pretty bad. you have to get either poached or hard boiled though, in order to avoid the oil used in fried eggs.

i read in brene brown's book that part of mindfulness is not over exaggerating your emotions. this is something i do all the time and something i need to work on. i tried it last night when i got depressed about my body and not being able to exercise. right away i went into panic mode, thinking how i was going to gain all kinds of weight and thinking that my body was so disgusting, but then i had to remind myself that i was exaggerating everything and that i was going to be okay. i reminded myself that my body size doesn't equal my worth. i need to tone down my emotions (yes, i can be quite the drama queen at times!) because i tend to get carried away and caught up in them, when in reality things arn't as bad as i think.

i know this isn't good, but i figured out (well i kinda always knew this) that hunger pains will subside if you wait them out....


where did i get the belief that being thin equals power and worth? that's the underlying issue for me.

"don't shrink. don't puff up. stand on your sacred ground." -Brene Brown

driving and sitting in the car all day is making me feel so disgusting and lazy. i feel like i'm getting fatter by the minute, which i know isn't true in reality but still. i just have to remember that it's okay, and it's not forever, and i'm not going to die. i'll be fine.

okay so utica sucked. i hated the campus (wished i had went to visit beforehand), the dorms were trashy, the walls were like a puke turquoise color and everything felt cold. i hated utica as a city in general, it's not easy to get around (there wasn't one time we drove around and we didn't get lost. i'm re-thinking the nursing major...not sure if it's truly what i want....

question: can we love others more than me love ourselves?

sitting on the rocks at some lake in burlington, vermont and even though it's windy, it feels so refreshing. i'm just watching ben and brian swim around (too cold for me). I'm not looking forward to dinner though. eh.


utica for orientation tomorrow and i'm not looking forward to it at all. nervous as hell. it'll be find though, i hope. if i can just go with the flow and be myself i'll be okay. i think.

things i'm afraid of(on-going):

1. meeting new people
2. being in a crowd
3. saying what's on my mind
4. what people think of me
5. what people are going to say
6. making new friends
7. teachers
8. loosing the internet
9. college
10. the real world
11. seeing people i know
12. the grocery store
13. any place where people are
14. not being good enough for someone else
15. feeling out-of-place
16. being forgotten
17. being bored
18. life
19. my wedding
20. being the focus of something
21. not having enough money
22. not being successful
...

just took a shower and all i saw in the mirror was a skeleton. i leaned back and all my ribs popped out everywhere, chest all the way down my sides. my collarbones were clearly visible as they jutted out from my shoulders. i took in the view. the sight of bones gave me an oddly wonderful feeling. a feeling that tells me everything is okay and i'm worth it. sad.

Had a really good day today (for the most part). I recently found a very amazing blog all about...dundundun...FOOD. I love it. It's not just any other website about food and recipes, this one gets into how each food is helping your body, what nutrients it has in it and most of the recipes are raw or vegan. It's written so wonderfully that when I stumbled across it, I spent all day reading it. I just couldn't stop. So yesterday and today I have been reading up and learning about new foods and recipes to try. I went to the store and stocked up on some things and today I used what I got to make a few things! Let's start with last nights dinner: I made mashed quinoa with kale, salsa, mustard and chia seeds and for desert my mom and I made chocolate avocado pudding (made with raw cacao powder). Today's breakfast consisted of a rye pancake crisp or better known as a socca with peach slices, chopped nuts, chia seeds, and a little bit of agave nectar. For a snack I cooked up a sweet potato and just added some salt and cinnamon. I spent the rest of the afternoon busy in the kitchen making a bunch of things to bring on my road trip next week including: black bean lentil burgers, sweet potato falafel burgers, kale ricotta cheese dip, banana sorbet, and date nut energy bars.

I found this kind of eating/cooking is so beneficial for me, for one, because it gets me to cook my meals instead of just snacking throughout the day and two, it helps me to really know all the good things I'm feeding my body and nourishing myself with, which is huge, in my opinion. I would so much rather think of food as medicine than just food. I love knowing that just by having an avocado I am reducing my risk of heart disease, lowering cholesterol, reducing my risk of colon cancer and breast cancer, protecting my eyes against macular degeneration and cataracts, getting vitamin K, calcium for strong bones, and vitamin C to boost my immune system!! Oh! and they also have essential omega 3 fatty acids which help reduce cholesterol, lower the risk of heart attack and stroke, boost the immune system, control viral infections, improve brain function, and relieve symptoms of inflammatory condition such as arthritis! Isn't that just amazing! It makes me want to eat all those good and healthy foods knowing what I'm giving my body!! 


I feel like I have a total new view on food and eating now! I feel so excited to make things and actually eat them! I have a new appreciation for food because of what I'm learning. 


Wow. Okay, so now back to why my day was amazing "for the most part". I felt like I was so supper happy all day until dinner time. I got a call from my mom about college and what we are now going to owe for this year. I couldn't believe it. Why the heck, does college need to be so freakin expensive? Any who, now I will be paying off college for the rest of my life! How amazing is that? I know it'll all work out some how or another though. I hope... 

Had a thought on my way down Puzzle Mountain. I was listening to music and had the urge to play the guitar, like actually sit down and learn to play. But then I laughed because when do I ever actually sit down and do anything? Basically never! I hate sitting unless it's at night. That's when I give myself permission to sit.

Things I saw:

• 4 groups of kids
• 7 toads
• 5 people
• endless amounts of black flies and mosquitoes
• 1 animal type thing (couldn't make out what it was)

I had two conversations and afterwards I realized that I ran through everything that I said and they said about twenty times, trying to figure out if what I said was stupid or not.

Conversation #1:

Group: How are you?
Me: Good, how are you guys doing?
Group: Good thanks.
Me: Have a good one!
Group: Have a good trip.

Conversation #2:

Guy in group two: Excuse me? Is there a hill up there?
Me: Oh yeah.

Things that kept me up all night:

• The obvious cold that traveled deep into my bones. 
• The worries that I would surely get hypothermia and freeze to death. 
• The noises I kept hearing: the wind, bugs in my ears, leaves rustling, squirrels, and the imaginary bear and moose I thought I heard. 
• Not being able to get comfortable and always being afraid of moving for surely the hammock would fall. 
• The worries about a bear getting into my poorly hung food bad and thus not having any food for the next day. 
• The worries that because I was unable to treat my water (the solution was empty), my throat hurt and it felt like I couldn't breathe. It would surely close up and I would die without anyone knowing until Saturday. 
• I had to pee. 

Things I learned:

About myself:

• My emotions dictate my actions.
• I can't relax. I must always be in a rush.
• Bug LOVE me!

About stuff:

• Hammocks suck unless used in extremely hot climates. 
• Hiking alone sucks. Do not do it.
• I need three bars of service on my phone in order to make a call. 

One thing that I am disappointed about is that I didn't get any sick cuts or scars. Damn! I did got more than enough bug bites, but I haven't decided if those count yet.

So today is the day I finally start my long awaited hike by myself. The last two nights I have woken up thinking about how scary it's going to be at night when I'm alone. It's only three nights though. I hope I'll be fine. No one wants me to go. I told my dad (big mistake) as he went into this long story about how this women got murdered while hiking alone, but that was more than ten years ago. I shrugged it off. I mean what else could I do, not go just because now I felt fear? Now, if we never did anything because we were afraid of what could happen, we would never leave our houses and we might as well not be alive. Living, itself, is a fearful thing and anything can happen when you least expect it. So, anyways, I am heading off today around 12. My mom is dropping me off and possibly hiking a couple miles to start. I have it planned for four days but the first and last day are half days so it really comes out to be three days. Ben is supposed to meet me Saturday afternoon. The only thing that I'm nervous about (besides the nights) is my pack being too heavy. I haven't hiked with a pack for about seven months so I don't know how it will go. I'm thinking it weighs about 16 pounds, but not totally sure. Wish me luck!!

Just thought I'd write that today I sat down while on the computer! Also, to top it off, I drank a nice hot cup of peppermint tea while I sat!

Today I woke up with the same renewed feeling as I had had last night. I felt ready to take on the day and really listen to my body. I started my day of with a nice breakfast of a fried egg over chicken with mustard (yeah okay this sounds pretty nasty, but the only thing that counts is that it was deliciousness!)  For lunch (which I ate at 11:30) was almond butter with a banana and cinnamon, which I enjoyed very much. I then went on the computer and of course pulled up facebook and right on the front page were some photos of a friend. I clicked on them and found myself instantly comparing her arms to my arms, legs to my legs and so on. I couldn't help it. I was amazed how one little photo could ruin my good feelings. I felt so disgusting and fat in that moment that I had to find a way to feel better. I went to my room and stared at my body in the mirror. I looked at my arms and at one angle they looked skinny and nice but at another angle they looked big and flabby. I looked at my legs and decided they were fine, they passed the test. I spend the most time on my stomach, sucking it in and out and tensing it to see my abs. I liked my abs usually, but today they weren't good enough. I turned to the side and didn't like what I saw. My stomach wasn't thin enough to seem invisible and this disturbed me. I must have been in my room for thirty minutes doing this, when finally I decided that what I was doing was just plain stupid. I went for a walk to get some fresh air and to clear my head. As I walked I reminded myself that I wanted to be strong and healthy, not weak and sick. I cried and asked the trees if it would ever be possible for me to accept myself. I just want to be okay with my body but the only way I will be okay with it, is if it is thin. I asked myself what being thin meant to me and came up with this answer: being thin means having power. I get my confidence from being the thinnest one in the room. If I can't measure up to someone, or if I don't have the same amazing personality as someone else, well, at least I am smaller than them. I thought about this and came up with the fact that yes this gives me the feeling of power but how long does it last and does it really feel good? So I feel good that I'm smaller than someone for about two minutes which thus leads me to feel like I'm better than them, which is where I get my ounce of confidence, but then I get home and won't eat because I have to keep being smaller than them. This just doesn't even sound right. Who ever said that being thinner than someone else was a good thing? In conclusion, I decided that I'm just not going to get all stressed out over something this small. In the scheme of things, it's not even worth it to compare our bodies because we are all so different and we are all going through changes. I need to do what is best for me and that is eat healthy foods, workout to get stronger, and enjoy myself and my body in the process. 

I feel renewed almost. I read some really helpful and inspiring articles online about eating and so on. I have been feeling as though I am going in the reverse direction when it comes to food lately. I guess it could be considered a good thing, seeing that before, I restricted everything and now I'm going on mini binges. I had another chocolate binge the other day. I found candy melts in both vanilla and chocolate flavors and couldn't stop eating them. The only thing different from my binges to people with binge eating disorder (I think), is that I still stay in my allotted calorie range for the day, which makes me feel semi 'okay'. I seem to feel a continuous mental hunger throughout the day and I follow it to the fridge when it tells me to, even when I know I'm not truly hungry for food. I have a lot of free time throughout my days and thus I become bored very quickly, meaning, I eat. But, again, even though I'm eating basically non-stop all day, I still consume the exact number of calories I allow myself. It may seem like a decent way to eat but I end up feeling extremely guilty and anxious come the night time. Every night for the last two weeks or so, I have gone to bed telling myself that I ate like a monster and that tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow comes and I do it all again! I'm a wreck. However, tonight I found some good articles on how to avoid emotional eating (which is what I think I am doing) and how to avoid eating when you're bored. I really feel strongly about getting to a place where I can eat intuitively with my body and it's true signals. This is my ultimate goal. I do believe I can get there and like I've said before, it's not going to be as easy as I think and I will have to put large amounts of effort into it but it will be worth it when I can eat for health and also for joy. I also know that I may have slip-ups and days where I fall down but the only thing that ever matters is that I get back up each time and start again, and that is what I will be doing tomorrow!

I find it rather amazing and quite incredible actually, how I can go from hating nut butter (mainly because of the high fat and calorie content) to completely being in love with it. I'm pretty sure it's my favorite food and I usually eat it right out of the jar! gasp!


As far as I know, it's pretty concrete that we're moving. My mom keeps complaining about how frustrating and stressful it is to pack but I find it to be very exciting and actually a stress reliever. I'm not really sure why this is, but I love packing up all my things and organizing them into boxes and then getting to a new place and unpacking and organizing all my stuff all over again. This is fun to me.

Mom and i went to harpswell  to look at houses today. we had gone to whole foods for lunch so when she asked if i wanted dinner on the way home i wanted to say no because i was feeling like i didn't need it or want to add any more calories to my day but i know she'd get mad if i didn't have anything. i didn't want anything big and i most definitely didn't want to go out to a restaurant. and what did we do? went out to a small little irish pub that my mom spotted on the side of the road. i was furious inside but had to calm myself down or else this was going to be awful for both of us. we ordered muscles and a small pizza to split. i kept going over in my head that it was going to be okay and that i needed to have dinner and the calories didn't matter. it turned out that i enjoyed the meal very much and i tried to forget about it on the drive home. i thought i did a good job at challenging ed that day. it was extremely hard but i got through it and hey, i'm still alive and happy!

it seems to be that i'm starting to let go of my previous thoughts about food. life is short, so why not enjoy what you're eating and why not try new things and have fun with your food? it's completely ridiculous to think that controlling the food that goes into your mouth will somehow be helpful. i laugh at myself sometimes when i realize how silly that really is. i try to remind myself of this fact when ed is strong. i laugh at him and say fuck it and just go with what i need. sometimes this doesn't always work out i must say but hey i gotta start somewhere right?

i graduated today! it felt good but people kept asking me if i felt any different and i didn't. i saw my friend that i met while i was in klarman. she was also taking the online classes and graduated. i stuck with her most of the day which was nice and i was surprised with my myself that i was able to be open and free around her. it felt comforting. mom, dad, cam, alexa, mike, ben, nicole, pam, and i all went out to dinner at olive garden afterwards. i had looked online before hand at what i was going to get and how many calories it was so i wasn't too nervous. i got steak. but i also got a strawberry lemon aid just for fun. it was nice to just have fun and enjoy the moment and the company. good day i would say.

okay so i figured out that i walk four miles during my morning walk. it takes me about 65 minutes. then i walk another 65 minutes in the afternoon which equals another four miles. that brings my total miles walked for the day at eight miles more or less. yesterday, however, i walked twelve miles because i walked six miles from ben's dad's house to his mom's house and then went to the gym with ben later and ran two miles on the tredmil and walked a mile and then biked three miles on the bike machine. wow was i tired after that day.

i have all my classes in order and my schedule all made for school. i have a lot of free time by the looks of it. i should have no problem going to the gym and being able to workout. it's exciting to know that it could be possible to see ben more often than just the weekends.


i was driving in the rain today and i noticed the wipers moving back and forth on the windshield. i entertained myself by pretending that the left one is the little brother who can't sleep without the door closed so he gets up and shuts the door but the right wiper is the older brother who likes the door open so he gets up after the little brother and opens the door. this is how the windshield gets clean. yes i'm wacked.