Thursday, January 10, 2013

{What if You Were Healed?}

One of the best books I have read recently is called Emotional Wellness by Osho, and in it he talks about so many different things, but one thing in particular hit me and it hit me hard. 

He goes into this idea that people cling to their illnesses or diseases because they are afraid that without them, who will they be?


This was so crazy to me because I have always felt this way but had never heard anyone else talk about it in the honesty that he uses. I've experienced this first hand throughout my whole recovery and have also seen people do this as well. 

In regards to my recovery, I remember days where I would be so depressed that I would want to die, but in a weird way I would like it. I would cling to those feelings of sadness because they were all I had and I felt special for having them. 

It sounds pretty messed up I know, but it's real. This is why it took me so long to finally see the light. I was so intrigued by my wounds and sadness and I was all "oh poor me, why me?" that I couldn't get out of it. I held onto this shit because it served me in some crazy way and I was scared to find out what would happen if I let everything go. 

Osho goes on to say how people actually enjoy their illnesses because it gives them something to talk about, complain about. But what happens if they're problems were gone? They wouldn't know what to talk about and there would be nothing for them to enjoy. 

He believes that people are happy about their misery, which I think is true. I know some girls from treatment who post all about their lives and how horrible the Ed is and how they are so sick, and might die, but why are they doing that? It has always confused me but now it makes sense. They are happy for their misery in some way, and this has been true for me too at times. But I think it comes down to a need for attention. And I know that everyone says that having an eating disorder is not for attention but what if that is part of it? It was for me, even though I didn't want to admit it. I needed my dad to notice me and not just my brother. I wanted my mom's attention when she was babysitting all those little kids all day. I felt lonely inside, so I needed other people to notice that I was alive. And I have a feeling these other girls have some of this too. Or maybe I'm just crazy!

But seriously, why would you post these images/words as if you were actually proud to have this deadly illness? I mean it's not something to be ashamed of, but why be proud of it either? It still baffles me in so many ways. 

So what would happen if you really were healed? What if you woke up and there was no eating disorder or anxiety, but it was just you, as you? What would you enjoy? What would make you happy and what would you talk about?

Just some thoughts :)

9 comments:

  1. I have often wondered about this, Tayla, both for myself and for others. And I think you're right for myself anyway...and some of the others I've met...thank you for writing this, hun. You've made me think again, as always <3

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    1. Caitlin, I'm so glad someone else knows what I'm talking about! Thinking is always good<3

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  2. I just found your blog from Caitlin (above) and I'm so glad! I love your honesty in your posts and even crazier: I'm from NH (so not far from Maine, which is where I think your about me section says you're from)! I'm looking forward to learning more about you :)

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    1. Hi, thanks:) I'm glad you like everything and that is so cool you are from NH...that's where I am really from, I just live in Maine haha!

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  3. for me i just wanted to feel accepted but it wasnt really for attention. i didn't think of it that way at all really.. i was just needing something to control, some way to feel secure and stable in my life. <3

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    1. Totally...everyone is different and certainty not everyone will feel like this! Eating disorders come in all shapes, sizes, and emotions!

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  4. Tayla, I needed to read this today. You used one of my favourite recovery quotes the other day ... "Healing is a choice. It's not an easy one, because it takes work to turn around your habits, but keep making the choice, and shifts will happen." Yehuda Berg ... Well, I have FINALLY committed to that choice (with the help and encouragement from my friends), and I realized that I'm not opposed to being healthy (healthy body and healthy mind), but I am worried about what it will mean to not have an ED anymore.
    But what if I was healed?
    Realistically, it can be that easy. To make the choice. To decide to be well, happy, and whole. Will it be effortless? No. It will take effort. But it can be that easy. The shifts will happen. And reading this post and realizing that I have more to offer the world than an emaciated body and tales of near-death scares. I am more than my eating disorder.
    I only hope that others find your words and can find the same inspiration. Keep it up, you're doing amazing things. And thank you once again.

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    1. Chelsie, I'm so glad you have used that quote and are really sticking with it! It can be so scary to let go of the Ed because you might not know who YOU are without him but trust me, once you start finding out who you are, you'll love that person so much more than Ed. To make the choice is easy but to actually act out the choice it's a lot harder but it can be done. The choice just needs to be made again and again, sometimes more than once a day. But stick with it! You are so right, you have so much more to offer the world than just surviving. Without Ed you will be able to really live. Keep pushing forward love! You got this<3

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  5. I really appreciate "And I know that everyone says that having an eating disorder is not for attention but what if that is part of it?"

    I feel that way too, but also when all these posts and tweets etc about how the media doesn't cause EDs (and thus has no role at all) when for me I was definitely impacted by media portrayals and used them to keep fueling my ED. Like people don't want to admit that it's a plea for attention bc of how people may view it negatively along with "vainess" when what I actually see happening is no greater amount fo understanding but a lot more dismissal of people's experiences and making some EDs to be "inferior"

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