Sunday Survey Time

i love doing survey’s so here's my first one for the blog world..thanks to Janetha over at Meals and Moves for putting together this fun little survey today!! enjoy :)

A is for age: 19 :)

B is for breakfast today: blood orange chobani with oats, carob chips, bee pollen, chia seeds and white chocolate peanut butter...so yums. i found these new oats and they are good!

C is for currently craving: hmm...more carob chips! 

D is for dinner tonight: not sure yet..maybe mac n' cheese??

E is for favorite type of exercise: hiking and weight training!

F is for an irrational fear: i know lady bugs are supposed to be good luck but they freak me out...i hate them!

G is for gross food: tofu...sorry i just hate the texture.

H is for hometown: scituate, massachusetts.

I is for something important: i'd like to try to come up with something more inspiring than this but my computer is very important to me...i can't live without it!

J is for current favorite jam: polaner all fruit black cherry jelly! 

K is for kids: one day!

L is for current location: Ben's bed..watching tv while he sleeps (he's sick like a little baby awww).

M is for the most recent way you spent money: my foodie penpal box!

N is for something you need: money? haha i don't know...i can think of a lot of things i want but not sure what i really need. 

O is for occupation: student? not sure you can say that but i will be in the fall...i'm just a working girl at the moment.

P is for pet peeve: people who move slow or take a lot of time to do things (a.k.a Ben!) 

Q is for a quote: "She flies with her own wings." (my tattoo)

R is for random fact about you: i'm straight up WEIRD...just ask Ben...sometimes he's not sure what's wrong with me haha. 

i'm a weirdo...

S is for favorite healthy snack: pear and peanut butter...yumminess.

T is for favorite treat: white chocolate chips...yeah they're like heaven just sayin..

U is for something that makes you unique: uh everything! haha i don't know, i have red hair if that counts!

V is for favorite vegetable: peppers :)

W is for today’s workout: rest day for moi!

X is for X-rays you’ve had: when i broke my pelvis they took many...

Y is for yesterday’s highlight: my workout! it felt awesome..i was shaking by the end :)

Z is for your time zone: eastern daylight time...we just lost an hour :( but now it's light until like 8pm!!

so there you have it...maybe you learned something about me!! yay :) now off to cuddle with Ben and finish listening to the top twenty country countdown!!

What are you up to this Sunday afternoon?? 

I'm Proud Of Myself Friday

Weeee so it's finally Friday, which actually doesn't mean much to me, as I am not in school and my job involves me working on the weekends...so in some aspect I love Monday's more!

Anyways, I came across something in my book that I just finished called Life Without Ed by Jenni Schaefer and wanted to share it with you. I really loved this book by the way and I have learned so much from it, but one exercise really stood out to me. She explained how it was helpful to try to focus on the positive aspects of recovery and your life and suggested, at the end of each day, writing a list of some positive things that happened or things that you are proud of. 

I tried it out for the last two days and here is what I came up with:

• challenged myself at lunch by having two pieces of bread instead of one
• challenged myself at dinner by having a fear food: pasta
• bought gas (a whopping $3.79!) even though I didn't want to
• called my Dad finally
• put peanut butter in my yogurt at breakfast
• took a long walk with my mom and didn't freak out over having to walk fast
• focusing on loving and believing in myself while I was at work
• not being so hard on myself for making mistakes
• asking questions and for help when I didn't know what to do at work
• being enough
• telling Ben about my current food plan and accomplishments

Some of these weren't crazy difficult, like calling my Dad, but others like not being so hard on myself was quite a challenge but it paid off because it made work a lot more enjoyable and it made me feel good inside. 

The last thing on the list was something that I wasn't expecting to do just because I wasn't sure how Ben would react...sometimes when I tell him things I don't get the response I want (which is my own assumptions of course!), but last night I told him how I was struggling to get enough calories and he asked how many I was currently getting, so I told him and he responded with something I wasn't expecting. He told me how proud he was of me and what a good job I was doing. He said that the changes that I have made were so awesome and that I should be proud of myself! 

As you can tell I was semi-shocked...I was pretty ecstatic! It's awesome knowing that someone else is proud of you for something that you have worked really hard to do. Just a couple of weeks ago, I was terrified to go anything over 900 calories and now I am up to 1700!!! This usually would freak me out but I am so happy with myself for conquering this feat!! I realize I need more for all the exercise I am doing, but hey, I'm making slow progress and I'm so proud of myself :)

 

Sooooo, what are some things that you're proud of yourself for? What are some things that put a smile on your face this week??

WIAW #2: Randomness

So I'm a little late on the WIAW deal but whatever...yesterday was such a busy day for me. I left for Boston early for that study thing I mentioned last week and didn't get home until late afternoon. It was a decent drive (two and a half hours) and I am very proud to say that I didn't get lost! Even in the city, I couldn't believe it!

Anyways, I didn't really have time to record what I ate so I will be a day behind...how sad.

Some things that I will mention that happened this week so far:

Kezo

• We had to put our collie (Kezo) down...we took him to the vet after noticing he was acting strange and what do you know, he had a huge tumor in his stomach which had spread all throughout his lungs...so it's been a sad couple of days having to say goodbye to him. He was a good dog. 
• I went to Boston and got blood drawn and almost passed out because the doctor failed to notice that my arm had turned purple from the tight band they wrap around it....I was like 'um hello! I'm turning purple mister!' YIKES.
• My kitten came for a walk with my mom and I, through the woods out back of our house...it must have been an hour long walk and he trampled his little legs through the snow the whole way...such a cutie!

So enough with that...here is what I ate:

Breakfast at 7am

Blood orange chobani yogurt with bob's rolled oats,
chia seeds, bee pollen, raw chocolate powder,
carob chips and some pure caramel flavor!

I went out for a long hour long walk with my Mom and got back I was starving.

Snack at 10am:

Organic pear with dark chocolate peanut butter
and a vitamin C packet. 

I have a tendency to just eat the pear and then eat the peanut butter with a spoon...it's so much better this way.

My Mom and I then headed out to the health food store to find some protein powder and obviously came back with more than just that! Protein powder, coffee, bananas, advil, tea, kombucha, and mints!

I did my arm and ab workout as soon as I got home and then had lunch.

Lunch at 1pm:

Salad with cottage cheese, cucumber, feta cheese and dressing,
and Ezekiel bread with
laughing cow cheese and cucumber, ham and ketchup. 

I made a shake with new protein powder, half a
 banana and chocolate coconut milk!

I am realizing that it's so difficult for me to get in the amount of calories I need so I pushed ED in the corner and ate lunch with a smile, knowing I was doing myself good. I hate going to bed stuffed because I didn't just eat enough during the day. So annoying. 

My mom and I took another nice walk since it was so nice out...47 degrees! woohoo! I had acupuncture at 5pm and let's just say I looked nothing like this lady in the picture below...I'm not sure anyone would look like this while getting tiny needles stabbed into their bodies...maybe it's just me, I don't know. All I know is that yes you can feel the needles and I can still feel them even now that I am home! How wonderful right?

Dinner at 6:30pm:

Brown rice pasta with peas and kale,
topped with lemon hummus and feta cheese

I can't even remember the last time I had pasta...it has been a fear food for some time now but I figured I might as well try something new and break from routine so yeah (insert ED voice screaming at me in full force)...he'll get over it :p

Snack at 7ishpm

I had to settle for the cranbran ones because they didn't have the chocolate...oh well, they're still super yummy. 

Not sure my plans for the rest of the night...might continue watching The Voice or maybe I'll go read or draw or something...who knows!

Loving this song right now!

"Love yourself where you are, for who you are."

I came across this website called http://soworthloving.tumblr.com and it couldn't have come at a better time. I read through their first blog post and found this quote and it was exactly what I needed...check it out, it's awesome!

okay...vent time. seriously i don't know how i'm going to make it in life. i can't even do a simple fucking job. i can't talk to people and i'm just so fucking awkward around other human beings. i'm a fucking loner and guess what? that's what i want to be. i hate trying so hard and failing every fucking time. i'm trying not to be so negative but i don't know what to do...all i can see is everything that i've done and did wrong and what people must think of me. i just kinda want to climb in a really deep hole and die. 

(sorry for the all the swearing)

I think the hardest thing that I am struggling with right now is comparing what I eat to others. I do this mostly with my fiancee, looking at what he is eating and making sure I don't eat more than he does or if he doesn't eat a lot than neither will I and so on. This same thing happened with my mom at the very start of my recovery but I  somehow got over it and realized that she had different needs than me and blah, blah, blah. I mean it's obvious that my needs (food wise) are going to be different than a lot of other people, because we are all unique and our bodies all need different things to keep us in balance. It's just hard for me to accept this I guess...

I find myself constantly thinking about what Ben is eating or what how many calories he's gotten compared to me and it's just stupid...I have to stop doing this, it's not healthy and won't help me in the long run. Sure, Ed loves it, it gives him something to do and then he can beat me up about it, but I've had enough. I don't want to be focused on other people, I need to stay determined to do what is right and healthy for me.

I don't know...

soooooo, I start a new job today (four to nine) and I'm pretty super nervous. I have so many thoughts running through my mind it's not even funny. What will they think of me? What if they realize I'm not what they were looking for? Will I mess up? You get the point haha.

The job is at a local cafe down the road from my house and as far as I know, I will be waiting tables, manning the cash register, and possibly throw in some baking/kitchen help as well. The owners were extremely nice and laid back and basically said I could work whatever I wanted and since I love baking, she said we could figure something out where I could do that, which would be awesome!
I just hope it goes okay tonight. By the way she was talking, it should be that hard...she called it "easy peasy"...so hopefully I'm stressing over nothing.

One of my fears, and this is also just a general fear, is coming across as "trying to hard", as in over-dressing, fixing my hair, etc. I fear of what they're going to think of me is an easier way to put it I guess. This is something I just have to get over sooner or later...

Any who, here is the outfit I chose to wear (she said casual clothes):

Crappy ipod photo sorry:/

Just some nice jeans with a weird shirt and I straightened my hair, something I hate to do because it takes FOREVER. I figure on just wearing my sneakers as my Uggs seem like an odd choice. Looking at this photo now, maybe I'll go change my shirt...hmm...

Blah...wish me luck :)

Today I woke up to massive amounts of snow...okay so maybe not massive, but enough to definitely not want to go outside, like at all. I let my mom take the dogs out which is not something I normally would be okay with, as I freak out if I don't do it myself, but today was different. I was freezing and just didn't feel like going anywhere and so I took a leap and challenged myself to listen to these feelings and stayed in. Ed didn't like this so much but that is okay. I don't care what he likes and dislikes anymore.

A little later in the morning I started my arms/abs workout and that made me feel like I actually got something done. I tried a new protein powder today...hemp protein. It was okay, kinda a little too grainy for me though.

It's hard for me to stay inside all day and try to find things to occupy myself but I am trying to constantly remind myself to stay calm and to relax, as this is something I rarely do. It;s also hard to continue to eat what I need when I know I didn't go for a walk like I normally do, but again, I have to tell Ed no and tell myself that I need food because of my workout (and just for staying alive obviously!) Easier said than done.

I got a call back from a lady at Mass General Hospital for a study I am going to participate in and made an appointment for next week. It's a study of how being at a low weight effects bone density and estrogen levels. Not exactly sure how it works but I will find out next week when I go and oh yeah, did I mention I get paid to do it? So yeah, sign me up! haha.

Anyways, off to find more to do...blah

I hate snow!

WIAW # 1: My Day

My first WIAW from Jenn at Peas & Crayons. 

Woke up at seven-ish and made this mess...waited for my mom to get home from work and took a nice long walk with her and the dogs, although Kezo was being abnormally slow. 

4oz chobani oranges and cream greek yogurt,  half a banana,
chia seeds, wheat germ, raw chocolate powder,
bee pollen, muesli,  and carob chips

 Tucker decided he needed to try my drink...couldn't tell if he liked it though. With my shake I had an un-pictured hard boiled egg with ketchup. 

8oz original coconut milk with spiru-tein
cappuccino protein powder and
some turmeric powder

I worked out while my mom took a nap in my bed. It was an arms day so here is what I did:

chest:

• flat press
• chest flies

Shoulders:

• side laterals
• front laterals
• shoulder press

Biceps:

• bicep curls
• concentration curls

Triceps:

• tricep kickbacks
• one-arm tricep extensions
• dips

back:

• bent lateral
• upright row

I did twelve reps of each and ran through the set three times. It was fun!

Halfway through the workout I remembered that I hadn't taken my herb drink yet. The acupuncturist I go to precribed Chinese herbs for me to take which are supposed to help with my anxiety and with building internal strength. They taste horrible so I had a little bit of agave syrup and it helps. 

These are the raw herbs..I cooked them
and strained them for a tea-like drink

Lunch was difficult, as I had to constantly remind myself that Ed is a freakin liar and that I must eat for strength. 

Salad with toubouli, broccoli, and feta cheese

A pear with white chocolate peanut butter

It was such a nice day that I took Marlin (my golden) for a walk at a place next to the ocean. It was beautiful and when I got back I was completely surprised to see a box of flowers on my door step...

Beautiful Roses from Ben for out
Two Year Anniversary!

After figuring out my flowers I snacked on a piece of this bread...my mom and I went to Freeport, Maine yesterday and picked up this Chocolate bread at the When Pigs Fly Bakery! It's amazing!

After my mom woke up we watched Ellen together and I made dinner.

Homemade sweet Potato Chips with
steak and ketchup

Peppers with hummus

I followed my dinner with an ab routine which went something like this:

15 crunches

15 straight leg butt/hip lifts

15 bent knee butt/hip lifts

15 crunch plus butt/hip lifts

15 toe reaches

15 bike crunches

15 leg lifts

1 minute plank

30 second side planks

I completed this three times and then watched Cupcake Wars!! Woo :)

My snack for the night was one of these babies with some carob chips:

Alright, off to finished my Nicholas Sparks book and to get some rest!!

Ed and His Deceiving Tricks

Last night while reading Life Without Ed, I found something cool that stuck with me and it's about Ed and his hypnotizing ways. Ed hypnotizes me. Ed tricks me into thinking that I am bigger than I actually am by telling me to focus on a certain body part and thus makes me feel like I magically just gained a lot of weight in that area...take the hips for an example, Ed has me focus all my attention on my hips and then all of a sudden I am feeling as though my hips have just gotten huge and they feel heavier. In this book, it explains how a regular hypnotist can do this trick as well, such as telling us to think and focus on our feet and then our feet will feel heavier and weighed down. It's all a lie and a tricking system in which Ed has a lot of experience in. I have been trying to notice when this happens (which is basically every second of every day) but it helps to just stop and notice that this is happening and that Ed is lying to me. It's not easy, obviously, but if I don't start questioning Ed and his manipulative ways, then I will never get to where I want to be. 

fear foods i ate today included:

1. peanut butter
2. any food past 7pm (i had coconut milk with chocolate protein)

yay i am making progress and i must say that becoming more focused on lifting has helped in so many ways!! i'm feeling good:)

New to Me Prodcuts

I bought a couple new things at the store today:

I haven't had this is a long time and thought I should give it another try:)

I finally just bought this even though ED was screaming at me not to...I showed him!

I also searched the health food store in town for some good protein powder and come to find out there are like over 10 different kinds! I was so overwhelmed that I just got a bunch of sample packets so I could find one I liked.

I tried the Raw Protein one and it was horrible...maybe cause I put it in water but it had no flavor at all...I'm interested to see which one is the best. Since I've been more into lifting and working out I need to add more protein to my diet. I remember trying some of Ben's protein powder a while back and thinking it was gross so I needed to find something both better tasting and healthier. 

Also, this morning I made plans with an old friend to go to dinner, thinking it would be nice to get out and do something different but then half way through the day I realized I really didn't want to go. I wasn't really that nervous about the food aspect of it (although ED did seem angry), but it was more the fact that I didn't want to spend money! And also the fact that this old friend isn't someone I necessarily trust so I never know what to talk about with her...she tells me like her whole life story and everything that is going on for her and then she expects me to do the same but I don't really like telling people all the details about my life, especially if I don't trust them...I don't know what to do really haha...we'll see I guess.

I recently read a quote that went something like this, "The choices you make today will affect you for the rest of your life."


It got me thinking (which I seem to always be doing too much of) and although I never really understood this it's so true. I have made some stupid choices in the past and they have all affected my life that I have now so obviously the choices I make today are going to affect my future self down the road. It's easier to think about this in terms of ED. The choices that I make today related to ED will ultimately shape how things will be later, such as if I will be able to have kids or not (this is huge for me as I really want to be a mom). I don't know if I'm making any sense at all but it's clear to me now...I need to start thinking about making better choices so that when my future self looks back she will thank me. <3 

this morning i woke up and tried to challenge myself with a new breakfast...i still had my usual chobani yogurt because i would die without it haha, but this time i added granola and half a banana to it along with my usual bee pollen and chia seeds. this was hard for me because i usually freak out if i go over my 140calorie breakfast but i need to start adding more things in order to get my calories up especially since i am working out more than  before. i think i did a good job though...the key is to start slow and go from there...i just need to keep my focus on getting better and making sure i make decisions that my future self will thank me for.

i went to the grocery store today with my mom to get a few things and one of the things i wrote on the list was almond butter. i used to have this all the time before my relapse but it became something to stay away from in ed's eyes so it was scary even writing it on the list. i walked to the isle where all the nut butters were and started  to pick one out...it didn't go so well. i must have stood there for five minutes just looking and reading the different kinds, picking them up, reading the nutrition facts, putting it back...all the while ed's annoying voice telling me that i better not get anything because it's going to make you fat. i panicked and suddenly felt like people were watching me...i'd been staring at the shelf for almost ten minutes battling ed in my head that i forgot that there was a world of people around me. i gave in to ed on the almond butter debate...it came down to two things: one that obviously nut butters have a higher-than-what-i'm-used-to caloric value and two if i buy it and never use it then it would be a waste of money. i feel bad that i let ed win again...live and learn and i will try again tomorrow i guess.

the day before leaving for ny i went to the thrift shop with my mom and found a pair of jeans for $1!! they had some rips here and there but hey $1? i couldn't say no. i got home and sewed up the rips and now i can't seem to take them off! i am in love with these jeans and what happens when i'm in love with clothing? i wear it non-stop...but this is different because they're jeans! i mean i never have comfortable jeans that i would prefer to wear instead of my yoga pants because that just never happens, so when these special pants came along i knew they needed to be worn all the time. haha.

so since i've been in syracuse with ben my stomach has been hurting non-stop....it's like that nervous weird-like shit feeling and it wont go away...it sucks because it effects everything i do and makes me feel poopy if you know what i mean..i think it has to do with being around all these people again, because at home my stomach hasn't hurt pretty much at all. people my own age make me nervous as hell, especially girls. i always feel like everyone's better than me and that they're all looking at me and judging me and talking about me, which probably is the farthest from the truth but you know....

"I will fight this illness and feed myself, not feed this illness and fight myself."

This is my new favorite quote...

For as much as she stumbled she's runnin'
For as much as she runs she's still here
Always hoping to find something quicker than heaven
To make the damage of her days disappear


these lyrics from the eli young band sum up some of my tough days...i'm always running but i'm still here.

got to syracuse after a very long and boring bus ride yesterday...met ben at the bus station and as soon as i saw him i ran into his arms...i was so happy to see him! today, i am working on accepting that this whole week will be a relax and lazy week for me. you can imagine how hard this is going to be for me but i need to do it and be happy doing it. it's important to me that i am happy while i'm here and i think part of doing that is realizing that not walking or working out as much as i usually do is fine and that i'm not going to die. ben makes me so happy and if i can just try to focus on this then i think i will be fine. <3

i won't go into all  the details but last night i had something happen that pissed of ed like no other and i say ed instead of me because i don't think i was mad at all...the situation was something that ed had rules about and everything was going against them and he didn't like it. at first i just thought i was the one who was upset and i couldn't figure out why and then i took a second to think and it donned on me that ed was so angry that he was trying to make me so angry and thus ruin everything for me. i'm not sure this is making much sense but last night i realized something huge and i am proud of myself for that. i realized that i don't have to listen to ed. i have a choice to go along with his rules or not and i don't want to anymore...he's been controlling me for way too long and it's time he stops. so fuck you ed. fuck you.

feeling the effects of the lack of sleep...feeling very slow? or low? not sure how to describe it...just feel like NOT MOVING. my body aches from head to toe...i'm pretty sure every muscle hurts in some way or another..not sure why though. hmm. i'll probably try to relax and take a shower and maybe draw...i'm due to make some form of art as i haven't in many days...

alright so i'm still up and it's what? 4:41 in the morning...it's been a real tester though...food wise that is. i keep getting really hungry, to the point of throwing up so i have to force myself to eat something...i have to keep fighting ed non stop with this as he believes i shouldn't eat anything but then i'm like hey, this is the first (and probably last time) i will ever stay up all friggin night so why not live a little and just have healthy snacks and stop worrying weather i'm going to gain weight or not! i mean, seriously, i'm not going to just gain 10 pounds overnight...that's ridiculous!! so fuck it!

it seems that i am the most motivated at night...i always resolve that i will do better in the morning and then everything hits me and i fail...but i have to remember that i'm not failing, just learning and i think each day gets better and hey, at least i am motivated right? i'm getting there and that's what counts.

i am very proud of myself for the last couple of days. let's start with two days ago, i walked right into a cafe in my town and dropped off my job application without backing out like i usually would do,and then yesterday my mom and i went thrift shopping around 1pm and didn't get back until  5pm, normally this would be an issue for me because i like to walk twice a day and preferably in the light, but to my amazement i stayed calm and continued to have a fun time with my mom and we went for a wonderful walk in the dark when we got back. and then today, i went in to that same cafe for a job interview and didn't feel too nervous...i felt happy and hopefully they thought so too! so, it's either the acupuncture or the seredyn or both but something is working and making me less anxious and irritable!! all is good.

my mom told me tonight before she headed out for work that i looked better (face wise)...looked better in the way of healthier and less pale...i guess a couple of weeks ago i had no color to my face whatsoever...

i had acupuncture last night...it was fine except for the fact that i had to lay on the table in just my bra because i had the needles put in my back...i wasn't expecting this at all. all i could hear was ed's voice saying how gross i must look because today i had a bad stomach bloating day and it hadn't gone away before i had my appointment. i kept talking back to him, with words along the line of "just fuck off" and "who the hell cares"...it worked a bit.

the next chapter in jenni's book talks about "ed's rules" so i decided to start with her examples that she gives and then add some of my own (or should i say ed's?) remember though, these are LIES.

1. i must always be the smallest/thinnest person in the room.
2. i must always eat less than everyone else i am dinning with.
3. my stomach must be flat on all days.
4. i must be able to feel all my bones (ribs, hips, pelvis, collarbone, shines, etc)
5. there must be no cellulite. ever.
6. when i lay down on my back, my stomach must sink deep inward.
7. i must feel only muscle, no fat.
8. pants must be loose at the waist.
9. i must always get more exercise than the people around me

i'm sure there are so many other ones that i am failing to think of but as they come up i will add them to the list. i am not writing this list so that i can obtain to these rules, i am writing it so that i can distinguish them and realize that they are LIES and that ed is hurting me. i am also writing them down so that when one of them comes up at  any point, i can recognize it and disobey it. 

"Direction is important, not destination."

i need to be reminded constantly of this. i seem to always need to know the destination of my direction when in reality,all i need to do is just head in the right direction (for me) and everything will work itself out and i will end up exactly where i need to be.

started reading "life without ed" by jenni schaefer and i love it so far.

some things from it struck me deep and i had to write them down. i adapted them for my situation.

Ed's Lies: LIES
1) if i just keep my weight low enough i can be in complete control of my life.(of course the complete opposite is true!)
2) if i am small enough i can be everything that everyone wants. (again, the opposite is true)
3) if i do not take up space then i won't get in anyone's way. (ed is taking up everyone's space!)
4) everyone will like me. (i am boring now)
5) ed makes me special and without him i am nothing. (i am so much more without him!)
6) ed will make me perfect. (i will never be perfect and that is just fine!)

jenni talks a lot about the ultimate goal when fighting against ed:

DISAGREE WITH AND DISOBEY ED.

so i came up with some small daily goals in order to achieve this bigger goal:

1) focus on separating ed's voice from my heart voice.
2) write down conversations with ed when they come up and are hard to deal with.

these seem like reasonable things i can focus on throughout each day. :)

yesterday was semi rough...i headed to my friends house and we had a really fun day just hanging out and making cupcakes but i was going nuts because i didn't get my walks in and my workout...i was feeling pretty gross and lousy but i had to keep reminding myself that it wasn't forever and that i wasn't going to die...today has been better, probably because we took a walk this morning out on the board walk near her house and we walked through main street which was fun and then, of course i came back home which always makes me feel better. this week end just made it even more clear to me how much i need to recover...

while i was working one of the nurses on the unit looked at me and said "you need to eat more ice cream!" i just smiled and laughed, going along with it...what was i supposed to say? i felt oddly self-conscious for the rest of the day...was everyone thinking this about me? could they see though my facade the real me and all my problems?...

worked the last two days..cleaning. not fun at all but whatever. had a rough day yesterday..really didn't want to be there...i get my work done and then i have nothing to do. i just wanted to be home, doing whatever i wanted...when i got home my mom and i talked a lot about my life and how i would ever get through it with my work issues and soon...i got really up set and scared and hopeless but then i had to remember that it's okay, everything will work out and i will be fine. work to day didn't go as bad..i still got bored but i tried to make the best of it and i got through it. paycheck.paycheck. paycheck. that is what ran through my head when things got rough...

just got back from my first acupuncture experience and it was...interesting to say the least. i really couldn't grasp what he was talking about half the time, a bunch of Chinese words and wisdom but i found it all really helpful and interesting. when he finally did the treatment it was weird and not at all what i thought it would be. even though the needles were tiny tiny tiny they still hurt (yeah i'm a baby). it was like a small prick and then a really weird feeling for the whole time. i had one in each leg, each ankle, each arm and one on the top of my head. i could feel the ones on my left side more than the right side which he said was common. hopefully this will help me as i am open to it so we'll see!! i go back next week, but until then, he gave me some tips. the first, eating something hot for breakfast (which will be very hard for me since i'm not ready to give up my favorite yogurt), and he said to practice mindfulness, which i have tried before but he explained it in a more simple way so i'll give it a second chance! yay:)

my new resolution (late but still applies): to get dressed somewhat nicely before going out of the house. i did this  the past two days, even wearing a dress and it was amazing the difference it makes in my confidence. it's amazing what just some nice clothes can do. i usually just say 'fuck it' and wear my infamous yoga pants and over-sized long sleeve shirts, but not anymore. i have vowed to wear at least something decent (jeans, leggings, dresses, nice shirts, etc). let's see how this goes.

so i haven't been feeling so hot the last couple of days and i can't really pin point the cause. i'm thinking it's the Seredyn that i started taking but not sure. it said that stomach upset was a side effect...but then again i seem to always have stomach problems...but this is so much worse than my regular issues. i constantly feel bloated and at night i feel like i could literally puke. it's frustrating.

i had to force myself to have more to eat today because i know i didn't have enough. it's hard. i feel really gross but i have to keep reminding myself that it's okay and that i need it. i need to nourish my body or i won't have kids or a future or anything.

last night i was so tempted to count my daily calories but i stopped myself from giving in. i can't. it would ruin my plan and progress. i have been doing good not counting for the last four days. i can't say it feels great but it feels freeing in some ways. i mean, it's hard to fight ed but i know i'm doing the right thing. i know that if i start counting (even for one day) i'll lose everything and won't move on. it's been especially difficult today because it has been pouring all day which means i haven't been outside for my daily walks. i'm going nuts but i can hear the faint voice of my heart saying that it's okay and that today is just a good day to stay inside and relax...i will try to listen to that voice over eds even though his is so much louder. i can do this. 

babies. babies. babies. future. future. future. freedom. freedom. freedom. stay strong. must stay strong.

i wish my bones didn't hurt. i wish i could sleep at night. i wish i wasn't so worried all the time. i wish i could be free.

i had a reality check this weekend and i need to change or else i'll probably end up back in the hospital or some treatment center. i don't want to be this way anymore. i don't want to live like this anymore. i want to be free. i want to have kids when the time is right and if i don't change soon, my future may be dim. so i'm making small changes...starting small is always a good idea. the hardest part is obviously fighting ed's voice and being true to my heart voice. i see ed as a grey evil thing inside me that takes away everything from me. he takes my freedom and my relationships and my self-love. every time i feel his pull i need to picture myself strangling him til he dies. i want ed to die. not me. 

i have decided that today and the next three days are "me" days...that is, i'm going to do anything i want and relax and try not to rush..i'm going to watch movies, maybe take a bubble bath and do whatever i feel like doing (even if it involves nothing! haha) oh yeah and i'm going to be happy too!!

just had a slap-in-the-face moment. my friend is in the hospital for anorexia and shes been there for seven weeks and now she just found out that they're transferring her to another bigger hospital in two weeks and she'll be there for who knows how long...i got a kind of wake up call because if i keep going down the road i am on, i'll probably end up in the hospital again and what kind of life is that? i mean, i'm almost twenty and i want to do things with my life like have kids and open my own business, not sit in a hospital for anorexia you know? i don't know...

very proud of myself today because even though i was sad this morning, i told myself that i didn't want to feel that way so i put on some nickelback music and got lost in the beat and then i was feeling better...

i'm feeling a bit sad because my mom just told me she was leaving tonight which would thus make her be gone for three and a half days...i don't want to be alone for that long, i don't know how i will do (sadness wise). i mean obviously if ben was here i wouldn't care but it helps to have someone else around to get my mind off missing him so much but when i'm alone...i don't know, i have a feeling it's going to be a long three days.

i have to be careful when playing music..i can only play high beat, happy songs unless i will get sad and start missing ben even more.

my fingers shrunk, i know because my rings are falling off...

lately i've been having fun searching the web for cupcake photos and recipes, but i sometimes get this weird sensation that by just looking at the cupcakes i am getting fatter and fatter. obviously this is not true but you know ed makes you think stupid things that don't make sense.

as soon as i came home my mom started picking on me saying how my eyes looked deep or something like that...i know what she means though...i look like a skeleton again. my bones are popping out everywhere and it's getting hard to hide, especially from my mom because she notices everything. i hate talking to her about it though, maybe because i know what i'm doing and i don't want to stop...or maybe it's just ed...who knows. i took a shower because i was cold and realized how bad i have gotten...i wrap my arms around myself and all i feel is ribs and shoulder blades and bonny elbows and hip bones. to some extent these things comfort me...they give me a sense of peace, but in the shower i hated them...i wanted to feel cushion for once...softness. i don't know what i'm doing. i'm killing myself again and the worst part is, is that i have no control over it...

i just go back from driving ben to syracuse...i finally made up my mind and decided not to go back with him. it was hard saying goodbye though. i tried to make it quick and painless. i didn't want him to see me cry so i held it in until probably two seconds after he turned to walk away. i drove off bawling. in order to counteract the sadness i turned the radio on high and blasted nickleback songs for about an hour. it helped. now that i'm home, i'm wishing i was still in his arms, but what i'm really wishing is that he is here with me instead. i feel incredibly weak that i can't even go a minute without him...i'm sad.

for so long i thought that keeping busy would help me to not think about things as much and not miss ben so much but i'm starting to realize that maybe it doesn't really matter if i'm busy or not...i mean if i'm sad, i'm sad no matter what i'm doing so fuck it...

the last couple of days have been so up and down and all over the place...one second i'm on cloud nine, all sure about what i want and positive but then the next i'm so down in the dumps and hopeless about everything...i don't know what to do. i worked two days at my new job and absolutely hated it which makes me feel like a failure (i mean when don't i feel like this?). i keep thinking about what i want to do with my life and i get really excited when i think about the dream cupcake shop and making art and stuff but get depressed when i grasp the reality of actually doing that and then thinking about how my life will be if i just get a real job. i hate thinking that life is about getting up every day and going to a job that makes you miserable...i mean there's got to be more to life than that right? but opening my own business is really far fetched and entails money...and in case you didn't already know...i don't have that! this also has me thinking about the wedding ben and i are planning for 2013 but i'm really starting to question where we're going to get the money from which makes me think that maybe we'll need to hold off for a bit and that makes me depressed...anyways, right now i feel a mixture of emotions but i guess mostly sad and kinda down. ben leaves this weekend sometime to go back to school and although i've been trying my best not to think about it, it's hitting me hard tonight. i'm trying to remind myself that it's only three months or so and in the big scheme of things it's not that long compared to the rest of our lives together right? it still hurts to know that i won't be able to laugh with him and kiss his forehead and lean on him when i'm down...at least it makes me appreciate everything he does for me and everything he means to me...

this may sound kind of sad but my proudest thing i did today (besides getting a job!) was that i made two different kinds of cupcakes with two different buttercreams and i didn't even have a little! i love making the cupcakes and making them looking pretty but i don't like eating them obviously.

i'm in capable of making a new year's resolution for the simple fact that i have too many and they're all too big and broad:

1. be more patient with myself and others.
2. love myself more.
3. stop being so jealous of others. 
4. stop comparing myself to others. 
5. be more nice. 

i mean these actually can't really count for resolutions because it's basically just a list of things i wish i could do, not really goals...well, i guess they're like lifetime goals haha. i think it's kinda weird too though that every one makes such a big deal about new year resolutions anyhow because in reality, you don't need a new year to be able to make changes...you have every second of every day to start again and make resolutions and goals. 

any who, i do have one, okay maybe two things i could work on that aren't so difficult:

1. make a list of positive things, or things that made me smile at the end of every day.
2. take time to do The Work of Byron Katie every day, at least one belief or issue.  

alright so let's get to it!

it's funny how some people change and others don't. i mean everybody changes here and there but no body ever changes drastically, they're still always themselves. i thought i changed, became stronger and more "better" (not quite sure what that's supposed to mean but oh well) but long story short, i really haven't changed that much. i'm still the weak, girl-with-no-backbone i used to be.

does hanging out with friends always revolve around food now? i mean really? can we not find something else to do other than go out and eat or drink? i hope so or i will never have friends...

i still have a hard time saying certain things to people, even ben and mom...it's not just people i am uncomfortable or nervous around but even the ones i am closest with...hmm.

i wish i had the strength to just do it. just run the car off the road or overdose or something. just something to take away all this pain.

it's funny because when was watching a movie tonight with my mom there was an actress who looked like she was all just skin and bones...kinda how i look...but i didn't think she looked good at all. she looked sick to me and not attractive at all. it's weird to see someone and think this but when i look at myself, i like what i see and i feel good but i know it doesn't look healthy to everybody else...it's hard to explain i guess.

the last couple days since i've been home i've been constantly fighting with my mom about food and stuff. she keeps saying how i'm not eating enough and how she thinks i'm so irritable compared to how i was before...it kinda makes me feel bad...

i just have a hard time feeling at home here...i mean it's great and all but it's nothing like being at home with mom and marlin and kezo just walking and having a good time you know?

i always have a way of ruining everything. it's what i'm best at. i just wish that mom didn't have to work and that i could spend christmas with her. it doesn't even feel like christmas. i'm not even sure what to write because i'm pretty sad and upset. i just wanna go home to my mom.

today has been a struggle. ate way too much but trying not to let it ruin everything. i mean what can really happen if i went over my calories limit by 300? ed's trying to get me to believe that i will automatically become huge and gain huge amounts of weight overnight but we all know that's a bunch of crock. there's no way that could happen. our bodies don't work like that. i know that i don't usually eat like i did today so i'm fine. nothing i can do about it now anyways so i mine as well move on and let go. start fresh tomorrow right? right.

99 lbs. um. shit.

just weighed myself and the magic number is....102. i lost more than i thought i did...and i'm lower than the weight they said they would take me back in at klarman....i still feel gross some days and wonder how this is possible but as always, losing weight doesn't mean you lose your problems too.

my mom was saying this morning how she thinks i need to finally take some kind of medication for my anxiety and depression and i did agree with her until i read the side effects of common ones...weight gain! my ED brain immediately went into panic mode and then (regretfully) i decided to look up what people were saying about it and read all this stuff about how everybody had gained like fifteen to twenty pounds after so many months and now there is no way i will even consider it because there's no way in hell that i want to experience the weight gain of twenty pounds again...been there, done that. bad idea.

one of the worst things that screws me over is that i love having plans. this looks like a good trait on the surface and it can be for the times you need to plan details and so on but it comes back to bite me in the big-picture-type things--otherwise known as life. i like to plan my life out the way i think i want it to be and then assume it will all be perfect. this seems good right? i mean after planning everything i feel secure and not as afraid, but when my plans don't go the right way and when things don't turn out the way i had hoped, you can imagine the devastation this brings. it happened this morning when i thought i had school all planned out and all the things i wanted to do. it all looked good on paper. get a bachelor's in business in order to be the brains behind my little bake and art cafe that i would open and then get married and have kids and live happily ever after. but all that went up in smoke this morning. i found out that i wasn't able to receive all my credits from my semester in NY and now i didn't have enough credits to apply to the school i wanted...no what? everything was ruined. my life would never amount to anything. i was hopeless as usual. trying to put it all aside, my mom and i went for a walk with the dogs and although, at first, i had no desire to talk about it, my mom did. so she talked and talked and talked. i said nothing. just listened. she had a lot of good things to say, which all made sense. by the end of the walk i was feeling better and at least somewhat hopeful. i realized that i needed to follow my heart more instead of just doing what i thought i was "supposed" to do or what others thought i should do. i needed to follow my own path, no matter how much different it was from the norm. i needed to stay true to myself accept who i was. i don't know if these realizations really help to make me feel better because they are harder than what i was doing before...it's hard to be myself when sometimes i hate that person and when other times i don't even know who i am...but i know this is my purpose. to just be me. no matter what.

went to the store with mom today to get some last minute things for chirstmas and i'm not sure if it was the mirror or what but i looked like a complete ghost and my face was so gaunt. i looked sickly. no wonder my mom was worried...

i think i have insomnia...at least for the last couple of nights anyway...i can't fall asleep for the life of me. i keep thinking about everything i could ever think about. past. future. present. things i need to get done tomorrow. for christmas. my brain is actually in pain it's over thinking way too much.

my first reaction when someone i know does something to me that a pure bitch would do is definitely to start hating on them, finding every little thing about them to despise, and when i see them, give them the cold shoulder and act like they're a complete piece of no good shit. harsh i know but i don't know why i take so much defense to little things but i do and i make sure to go to great lengths to show the person i hate them now...maybe i should change.

i'm worried that my mom is finding out that i'm not eating as much...yesterday she got mad at me for not having enough for dinner and afterwards i heard her crying downstairs. as usual i got defensive and wished she would just leave me alone, but i have to realize she's only doing that because she cares about me and wants me to be healthy. this is obviously hard to see in the moment because ed's voice to so damn loud and he blocks everything else out. sometimes i wonder if he'll ever leave me...or will i always hear his voice? can't say.

what i ate today:

• greek yogurt with raw cocao, chia seeds, and bee pollen.
• vitamin c drink with digestive aid.
• handful of grapes.
• salad with feta cheese and fat free italian dressing. 
• handful of grapes. 
• warmed pickles.
• two olives. 
• another salad.
• handful of grapes. 
• sweet potato fries without oil. 
• two chocolate chips. 
• a spoonful of cookie batter (i made holiday cookies)
• and lots of gum. 
• water. 

five ways to win my heart? hmmm...

1) show me you care about me and that you'd do anything for me.
2) be honest. enough said.
3) make me laugh so hard that i cry.
4) teach me something new that you like.
5) spend all your time with me.

five things i lust after or wish for? hmmm...

1) good clothing that i wish i could pull off.
2) beautiful hair that looks amazing.
3) having a natural looking tan.
4) knowing i have a sense of worth and letting that shine.
5) money to buy things.

okay along with my other new years resolution i have another one. it's staying within the same theme though. i want to be strong...not just lose weight and be skinny but lose weight (stay the weight i'm at now) but be muscular and strong so that means buying weights and putting together a workout routine or trying to go to the gym maybe...? i will need to write out the exact goal so that it can be something to stick to.

i have decided that my new year's resolution will be to eat only real foods as defined by http://www.100daysofrealfood.com/real-food-defined-a-k-a-the-rules/.

i don't know what it is, but lately i've been kind of annoyed with people more than normal, including ben. i feel like it's really nothing they are doing but it's just me. i think it might be the food stuff and not eating enough...and if i am noticing this myself, i'm sure in hell than mom will say something...

in kind of a funky mood tonight...it's like i'm bored yet thinking way too much and feeling hopeless all in one. took a shower and it felt good but i don't know, it's like i'm feeling too many emotions at one so in turn i don't feel anything...just blankness.......

why do i like the feel of bones...?

i wish i could put all the quotes and sayings and articles i read together into my brain and make them change me but it's always easier said than done and i know this the best because i have been trying to do this for over five years...i think it will be six years soon...wow that is a lot of fucking time...why am i wasting my life with this stupid disease? what a good question! i wish i could just let everything go but when i tried to do this i gained weight and then i hated myself more so it looks like i'll never win....sometimes i don't even know what to do anymore...

i'm trying not to think about the fact that eating a low calorie diet isn't good in the long run. i read all over the internet that it will in time make you gain weight but it's scaring me so i don't want to think about it. i just don't want to gain nay weight and the only way i know how to to that is not to eat as much...i just want to be small and thin and feel good about myself...gr.

phobias that pertain to me:

Agoraphobia- Fear of open spaces or of being in crowded, public places like markets. Fear of leaving a safe place.

Anthropophobia- Fear of people or society.

Claustrophobia- Fear of confined spaces.

Doxophobia- Fear of expressing opinions or of receiving praise.

Eisoptrophobia- Fear of mirrors or of seeing oneself in a mirror.

Enochlophobia- Fear of crowds.

Eremophobia- Fear of being oneself or of lonliness.

Laliophobia or Lalophobia- Fear of speaking.

Obesophobia- Fear of gaining weight.

Ophthalmophobia- Fear of being stared at.

Atelophobia - Fear of imperfection

Sociophobia - Fear of social evaluation

“You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” from Velveteen Rabbit

i set a goal for myself earlier in the week to say yes to more things (ben suggested it). since it is approaching friday (and although this is on ongoing goal), i wanted to reflect on weather or not i have completed the goal. things that i said yes to that i may not have before:

• playing mad gab with ben and his friends
• going to dinner with ben when i really didn't want to

rescue me
show me who i am
cause i can't believe
this is how the story ends

ways i know i am going down hill:

i get leg cramps again
i am very irritable
i am scared to go over my calorie limit
i hide what i eat
i am scared to eat with others
i lie about what i have eaten
my hair is falling out
my skin is dry

i was reading my phych book for class and came across this:

In sum, depressed people see themselves as inadequate and worthless, feel that they can't cope with the demands made on them, and dread the future that, they believe, will bring more of the same.  


this basically sums up what i've been feeling for the past months....interesting

goals for over break:

1) decided whether to be in syracuse or maine
2) if in syracuse, find job opportunities and things i can that will make me happy(art, baking, etc)

Right now I can barely stand
If you're everything you say you are
Would you come close and hold my heart?

this has been a retarded night...i'm pretty upset.

I feel so gross and fat and all kinds of bad at the moment, yet I know it's because I had a couple pieces of gum earlier and that makes my stomach bloat like no other. I'm trying to not let this feeling bother me.