She'll Be Free

i went to the grocery store today with my mom to get a few things and one of the things i wrote on the list was almond butter. i used to have this all the time before my relapse but it became something to stay away from in ed's eyes so it was scary even writing it on the list. i walked to the isle where all the nut butters were and started  to pick one out...it didn't go so well. i must have stood there for five minutes just looking and reading the different kinds, picking them up, reading the nutrition facts, putting it back...all the while ed's annoying voice telling me that i better not get anything because it's going to make you fat. i panicked and suddenly felt like people were watching me...i'd been staring at the shelf for almost ten minutes battling ed in my head that i forgot that there was a world of people around me. i gave in to ed on the almond butter debate...it came down to two things: one that obviously nut butters have a higher-than-what-i'm-used-to caloric value and two if i buy it and never use it then it would be a waste of money. i feel bad that i let ed win again...live and learn and i will try again tomorrow i guess.