i still have a hard time saying certain things to people, even ben and mom...it's not just people i am uncomfortable or nervous around but even the ones i am closest with...hmm.

i wish i had the strength to just do it. just run the car off the road or overdose or something. just something to take away all this pain.

it's funny because when was watching a movie tonight with my mom there was an actress who looked like she was all just skin and bones...kinda how i look...but i didn't think she looked good at all. she looked sick to me and not attractive at all. it's weird to see someone and think this but when i look at myself, i like what i see and i feel good but i know it doesn't look healthy to everybody else...it's hard to explain i guess.

the last couple days since i've been home i've been constantly fighting with my mom about food and stuff. she keeps saying how i'm not eating enough and how she thinks i'm so irritable compared to how i was before...it kinda makes me feel bad...

i just have a hard time feeling at home here...i mean it's great and all but it's nothing like being at home with mom and marlin and kezo just walking and having a good time you know?

i always have a way of ruining everything. it's what i'm best at. i just wish that mom didn't have to work and that i could spend christmas with her. it doesn't even feel like christmas. i'm not even sure what to write because i'm pretty sad and upset. i just wanna go home to my mom.

today has been a struggle. ate way too much but trying not to let it ruin everything. i mean what can really happen if i went over my calories limit by 300? ed's trying to get me to believe that i will automatically become huge and gain huge amounts of weight overnight but we all know that's a bunch of crock. there's no way that could happen. our bodies don't work like that. i know that i don't usually eat like i did today so i'm fine. nothing i can do about it now anyways so i mine as well move on and let go. start fresh tomorrow right? right.

99 lbs. um. shit.

just weighed myself and the magic number is....102. i lost more than i thought i did...and i'm lower than the weight they said they would take me back in at klarman....i still feel gross some days and wonder how this is possible but as always, losing weight doesn't mean you lose your problems too.

my mom was saying this morning how she thinks i need to finally take some kind of medication for my anxiety and depression and i did agree with her until i read the side effects of common ones...weight gain! my ED brain immediately went into panic mode and then (regretfully) i decided to look up what people were saying about it and read all this stuff about how everybody had gained like fifteen to twenty pounds after so many months and now there is no way i will even consider it because there's no way in hell that i want to experience the weight gain of twenty pounds again...been there, done that. bad idea.

one of the worst things that screws me over is that i love having plans. this looks like a good trait on the surface and it can be for the times you need to plan details and so on but it comes back to bite me in the big-picture-type things--otherwise known as life. i like to plan my life out the way i think i want it to be and then assume it will all be perfect. this seems good right? i mean after planning everything i feel secure and not as afraid, but when my plans don't go the right way and when things don't turn out the way i had hoped, you can imagine the devastation this brings. it happened this morning when i thought i had school all planned out and all the things i wanted to do. it all looked good on paper. get a bachelor's in business in order to be the brains behind my little bake and art cafe that i would open and then get married and have kids and live happily ever after. but all that went up in smoke this morning. i found out that i wasn't able to receive all my credits from my semester in NY and now i didn't have enough credits to apply to the school i wanted...no what? everything was ruined. my life would never amount to anything. i was hopeless as usual. trying to put it all aside, my mom and i went for a walk with the dogs and although, at first, i had no desire to talk about it, my mom did. so she talked and talked and talked. i said nothing. just listened. she had a lot of good things to say, which all made sense. by the end of the walk i was feeling better and at least somewhat hopeful. i realized that i needed to follow my heart more instead of just doing what i thought i was "supposed" to do or what others thought i should do. i needed to follow my own path, no matter how much different it was from the norm. i needed to stay true to myself accept who i was. i don't know if these realizations really help to make me feel better because they are harder than what i was doing before...it's hard to be myself when sometimes i hate that person and when other times i don't even know who i am...but i know this is my purpose. to just be me. no matter what.

went to the store with mom today to get some last minute things for chirstmas and i'm not sure if it was the mirror or what but i looked like a complete ghost and my face was so gaunt. i looked sickly. no wonder my mom was worried...

i think i have insomnia...at least for the last couple of nights anyway...i can't fall asleep for the life of me. i keep thinking about everything i could ever think about. past. future. present. things i need to get done tomorrow. for christmas. my brain is actually in pain it's over thinking way too much.

my first reaction when someone i know does something to me that a pure bitch would do is definitely to start hating on them, finding every little thing about them to despise, and when i see them, give them the cold shoulder and act like they're a complete piece of no good shit. harsh i know but i don't know why i take so much defense to little things but i do and i make sure to go to great lengths to show the person i hate them now...maybe i should change.

i'm worried that my mom is finding out that i'm not eating as much...yesterday she got mad at me for not having enough for dinner and afterwards i heard her crying downstairs. as usual i got defensive and wished she would just leave me alone, but i have to realize she's only doing that because she cares about me and wants me to be healthy. this is obviously hard to see in the moment because ed's voice to so damn loud and he blocks everything else out. sometimes i wonder if he'll ever leave me...or will i always hear his voice? can't say.

what i ate today:

• greek yogurt with raw cocao, chia seeds, and bee pollen.
• vitamin c drink with digestive aid.
• handful of grapes.
• salad with feta cheese and fat free italian dressing. 
• handful of grapes. 
• warmed pickles.
• two olives. 
• another salad.
• handful of grapes. 
• sweet potato fries without oil. 
• two chocolate chips. 
• a spoonful of cookie batter (i made holiday cookies)
• and lots of gum. 
• water. 

five ways to win my heart? hmmm...

1) show me you care about me and that you'd do anything for me.
2) be honest. enough said.
3) make me laugh so hard that i cry.
4) teach me something new that you like.
5) spend all your time with me.

five things i lust after or wish for? hmmm...

1) good clothing that i wish i could pull off.
2) beautiful hair that looks amazing.
3) having a natural looking tan.
4) knowing i have a sense of worth and letting that shine.
5) money to buy things.

okay along with my other new years resolution i have another one. it's staying within the same theme though. i want to be strong...not just lose weight and be skinny but lose weight (stay the weight i'm at now) but be muscular and strong so that means buying weights and putting together a workout routine or trying to go to the gym maybe...? i will need to write out the exact goal so that it can be something to stick to.

i have decided that my new year's resolution will be to eat only real foods as defined by http://www.100daysofrealfood.com/real-food-defined-a-k-a-the-rules/.

i don't know what it is, but lately i've been kind of annoyed with people more than normal, including ben. i feel like it's really nothing they are doing but it's just me. i think it might be the food stuff and not eating enough...and if i am noticing this myself, i'm sure in hell than mom will say something...

in kind of a funky mood tonight...it's like i'm bored yet thinking way too much and feeling hopeless all in one. took a shower and it felt good but i don't know, it's like i'm feeling too many emotions at one so in turn i don't feel anything...just blankness.......

why do i like the feel of bones...?

i wish i could put all the quotes and sayings and articles i read together into my brain and make them change me but it's always easier said than done and i know this the best because i have been trying to do this for over five years...i think it will be six years soon...wow that is a lot of fucking time...why am i wasting my life with this stupid disease? what a good question! i wish i could just let everything go but when i tried to do this i gained weight and then i hated myself more so it looks like i'll never win....sometimes i don't even know what to do anymore...

i'm trying not to think about the fact that eating a low calorie diet isn't good in the long run. i read all over the internet that it will in time make you gain weight but it's scaring me so i don't want to think about it. i just don't want to gain nay weight and the only way i know how to to that is not to eat as much...i just want to be small and thin and feel good about myself...gr.

phobias that pertain to me:

Agoraphobia- Fear of open spaces or of being in crowded, public places like markets. Fear of leaving a safe place.

Anthropophobia- Fear of people or society.

Claustrophobia- Fear of confined spaces.

Doxophobia- Fear of expressing opinions or of receiving praise.

Eisoptrophobia- Fear of mirrors or of seeing oneself in a mirror.

Enochlophobia- Fear of crowds.

Eremophobia- Fear of being oneself or of lonliness.

Laliophobia or Lalophobia- Fear of speaking.

Obesophobia- Fear of gaining weight.

Ophthalmophobia- Fear of being stared at.

Atelophobia - Fear of imperfection

Sociophobia - Fear of social evaluation

“You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” from Velveteen Rabbit

i set a goal for myself earlier in the week to say yes to more things (ben suggested it). since it is approaching friday (and although this is on ongoing goal), i wanted to reflect on weather or not i have completed the goal. things that i said yes to that i may not have before:

• playing mad gab with ben and his friends
• going to dinner with ben when i really didn't want to

rescue me
show me who i am
cause i can't believe
this is how the story ends

ways i know i am going down hill:

i get leg cramps again
i am very irritable
i am scared to go over my calorie limit
i hide what i eat
i am scared to eat with others
i lie about what i have eaten
my hair is falling out
my skin is dry

i was reading my phych book for class and came across this:

In sum, depressed people see themselves as inadequate and worthless, feel that they can't cope with the demands made on them, and dread the future that, they believe, will bring more of the same.  


this basically sums up what i've been feeling for the past months....interesting

goals for over break:

1) decided whether to be in syracuse or maine
2) if in syracuse, find job opportunities and things i can that will make me happy(art, baking, etc)

Right now I can barely stand
If you're everything you say you are
Would you come close and hold my heart?

this has been a retarded night...i'm pretty upset.

I feel so gross and fat and all kinds of bad at the moment, yet I know it's because I had a couple pieces of gum earlier and that makes my stomach bloat like no other. I'm trying to not let this feeling bother me.

i just want to start over...how could i have been so stupid to come here?

i should have left this misery hole when i had the chance. i just wasted some huge amount of money for nothing. fuck school. fuck the people. fuck life all together. i'm so done. i want out. now.

being back at school sucks balls. i hate being here. i hate all the people and all the weird looks. it's only two weeks more of classes though and then i'm out of here. i can't wait.

i like to stand in the middle of the road and wonder what would happen if i just let the car hit me...would i die? sometimes i like to think about what would happen if i did? who would be sad? (if anyone)....

i have been thinking a lot about recovery and what it really means to be recovered from ed. i discovered that it must mean something different for everyone because for myself, i can't define recovery. i have a hard time thinking that there is any such thing. i mean doesn't everyone have some kind of food or body issue? so saying that you've recovered and no have peace with food and your body is a lie right? i don't have much hope that i will ever be recovered or have any kind of freedom from this disease. i know this is pretty negative and i should i try to look at the positive side but i can't. all i see is me and ed, struggling forever. i mean, he sometimes is my only friend...

sometimes i'm not so sure what the point of living is...i mean what is the overall purpose of life? working? having a family? collecting money? when i really start to think about it, i question everything and hope begins to disappear. what's that point in living if all you do is get up, go to work, and then come home and sleep? i don't understand how that ever adds up to happiness or a good lived life? i mean besides making money i guess. i always thought growing up would be magnificent when i was little, i mean who doesn't? but when you get there it's like, fuck, i wanna go back to being little again, this sucks. sometimes i wonder if this is it. if my life right now is how it's always going to be...am i ever going to be better? will i ever be happy? i thought so at one point but i'm not so sure anymore...

i hate how everybody else is so much more interesting and important. i wish i could be the special one....

my eyes are fat magnets...

thanksgiving by the way was alright food wise...i didn't eat anything all day which was good and the food that i did eat was not as scary as i thought it was going to be. i had some turkey, a tiny bit of green bean casserole, some squash, and pickles. i did have some chocolate cream pie for dessert and that was it. so overall, not as horrible as i was expecting.

you know you have a problem when you start looking up jobs with the least contact with others....

terrified for thankgiving tomorrow...not sure how it will go. i don't want to eat anything...

sometimes i wonder if losing weight is the only thing i'm actually good at...

i can't tell which is more painful: laying down and feeling bones or laying down and feeling fat...

i'm falling back into ed, i know it. it's intentional kinda. i mean i want to lose weight and i it's the only way i know that works. sometimes i scared though, that i won't be able to pull myself out of his grasp again...

i like the feel of my bones....

moved into the new house in maine and i am so cold i might die. i just want to curl up in a tub full of boiling hot water.

 We need to stop looking to other people’s bodies to create standards of normalcy for ourselves.

from: http://happybodies.wordpress.com

from Byron Katie

you can't know if you are big or small by looking in the mirror because you only see your story...look in the mirror if you want to know what you are not.

Though no one else can do it for you, you have what it takes to be magnificently successful at being you. From the deepest secrets of your soul to the face you put forward to the world, every bit of you is meant to be the authentic and original person you are. — Ralph Marston

I found these writings I did a while back...

January 18, 2011

1.) what do you want that you are not having? I want freedom mostly to just be myself around everyone. I love how open and crazy I can be just around Nicole and Ben and my mom, but that's about it. I love the feeling of being comfortable around someone and not having to worry myself sick about 'oh what are they going to think?' 'what are they going to say?' and so on. I'm not sure what it is about certain people, but some have the type of personality that I can open up to and some just don't. I don't like feeling judged, but I think I think too much about what they're going to judge me on and what they're going to say that I forget that it's okay to just be me, that if people think I'm weird, or stupid, or crazy than that's fine right? I just want to feel good about myself and love who I am.

2.)What do you have to live for? When I get really depressed I think about not wanting to live anymore. It has been happening a lot more. I used to always believe, not matter what, that I had a lot to live for, but lately when I'm feeling down in the dumps I feel that I have nothing to live for. I'm not sure if it's the ED voice or just self-pity. It feels as though the feelings that I feel are so bad and painful that it would be better if I was dead so I wouldn't have to feel them. I know, however, that deep down inside, I have a lot of things to live for. First off I have my mom, who's been there from the beginning. She's always been there for me, no matter what. She's supported me and listened to me and tried to do everything and anything she could to help me. She's been my best friend since seventh grade and I don't know what I'd do without her. There is Ben, who has been my steady rock for the last year. He's everything to me. He's taught me so many things and helped me to see things that I needed to see. I have my future children to live for, something that has always made me happy to think about. I long to have kids and a family of my very own. I want to make my life the best it could ever be and I have to be alive and healthy to make that happen. 

January 15, 2011

 It snowed about 16 inches or so on Wednesday and although I got out for a walk in the morning before it got really bad, I had a really hard time the rest of the day not being able to go outside or even go to the gym.

January 4, 2011

I thought, food wise, today was a lot harder. My friend who is over eats less than I do, so I felt like I was eating all the time and I didn't feel as good about my body as I did yesterday. I must remember that feelings come and go and I don't have to believe them. This too shall pass.

It is of practical value to learn to like yourself. Since you must spend so much time with yourself you might as well get some satisfaction out of the relationship. - Norman Vincent Peale

i feel so hopeless right now...i feel so worthless. i am having a hard time understanding what the point of life is...why the fuck are we here? i can't figure it out...

it's not even ten yet and i already just want this day to be over....for some reason i always have to know what to do and need to have things all figured out with everything, so when i get confused and hopeless about the future i panic and feel overwhelmed because i don't know what is going to happen or what i am going to do with my life. i'm probably making this more confusing than it really needs to be but isn't that what i do with everything...?

i'm not really a fan of constantly being hungry and tired but i have to admit...i love the feeling of being thin..

every stressful thought in my head is a rope, not a snake. everything you love about another person is what you love about yourself, and everything you do not love about them is what you do not love about yourself. (byron katie)

YOU CAN NEVER LOSE LOVE, BUT ONLY THE AWARENESS OF IT.

i got semi depressed this morning because i woke up and just did not feel like going to any of my classes...i didn't feel like doing anything. somehow these feelings turned into sadness about the future and thinking about what my future job will be like, am i going to wake up and not want to go but have to and be miserable? probably. so i decided that i need to find something to do with my life that i will want to wake up and be happy about doing...probably something along the lines of an art studio, jewelry making, or a cupcake/bake shop...i can dream right?

some days i think about my life and the future and get really happy am positive but then other days (like today) i can't see anything good...i look at the future and am scared to death...

was so excited to eat my amy's cheese enchiladas for dinner but good thing i checked the serving size because it said 240 calories in just one enchilada and there are two! i am so pissed. i only was counting the calories in one so now i have to find something else...480 is way too much.

i was walking at the mall yesterday night because it was raining and snowing outside and actually learned a few things.

one: people annoy me (okay, so i already knew this one but it just got reaffirmed)

two: there are SO many different body types out there. it's crazy to try to compare yourself to other people because even though someone may be smaller or bigger than you, they may have a smaller frame or a smaller hip width or a bigger rib cage, etc. so when you see that one girl who looks thinner than you just remember that their body shape and frame is different from yours and that you are both unique and beautiful (this is more advice just for myself).

three: why would you ever want to be like a store mannequin? why would you want to look like a straight board? they have no similarities to what an actual women looks like whatsoever. women should have womanly curves because that's what makes you sexy, not being a stick....

so as i walked around the mall observing all these things i repeated to myself: "i love my womanly curves" and "i am a miracle and my body is unique and one of a kind"

it's not easy trying to look at your body in this light, when for as long as you can remember, you saw your body as bad or not as good, but it takes practice and time and it will be so worth it when you can look at yourself one day and really love everything that you are. (again, advice more just to myself)

things that made me happy yesterday:

1. i actually studied for my math test so i felt good about that.
2. i listened to some louise hay which helped me.
3. i laid down for once and relaxed which felt good. 
4. i felt more comfortable with ben's friends.
5. brandon, karl, and james all asked me if i wanted anything at the dining hall. thought it was nice.
6. watched brokeback mountain. 
7. got made fun of for watching brokeback mountain but it was funny. 
8. laughed with brandon, karl, rose, and james. 
9. i laughed until my stomach hurt and i was crying over stupid stuff on the internet with ben. 
10. i was able to stay up later than ben!
11. watching the office with karl and ben. 
12. folding ben's clothes at 1 o'clock in the morning.
13. taking a shower and liking my hair for once. 
14. feeling free. 

i just read something that someone posted on pinterest.com that said "all i want is to be happy, confident an skinny as hell" and i am so angry. partly because this triggers me beyond words and partly because it's so sad that people believe that being skinny as hell is what will make them happy and confident. no matter how skinny you get you're still you. you still have all the thoughts you always had. the only thing that changes is your body and that won't even be a good change because if you are skinny as hell you probably one, look like hell, feel like hell, and on the brink of death. so to whoever posted this quote, you need to rethink your goals...

i believe that people love me conditionally so it's a total shocker to have someone show me that their love is unconditional.

it's a lazy day today i have decided. it's been raining all morning and the weather people say there is a chance of snow. i am feeling very weird. i ate but i feel completely empty throughout my whole body and very weak. my head is heavy and i feel kinda dizzy. laying down seems to be a good thing right now...

things that made me smile/happy/laugh today:

• each time i found a little surprise that ben left me
• waking up to ben next to me
• going for a good walk
• spending less than last time at the grocery store
• seeing the same person multiple times at the store (it was getting awkward)
• watching nick vujicic's video
• looking at my engagement ring
• thinking about my wedding and all the details

last friday night ben and i went to the SU football game and before it started they had a former graduate who was in the military say hello over the big screen to his wife and two kids and then he surprised them by running out on the field to hug them. i'm not sure why but i just wanted to ball my eyes out when i saw them reunite. maybe it was because i could sense their happiness when they finally saw their husband and dad again, or maybe it was because i was once in their shoes, although in a very different situation, i had to miss ben for a long while and then finally was reunited with him that i could just imagine what that family must have felt like. it was amazing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gc4HGQHgeFE

ben showed me this video one day and i couldn't stop watching it. i even put it on my ipod so i could listen to it when i needed some uplifting. i love how he talks about not feeling good enough and how every girl is beautiful. it  feels as though he is talking straight to me. i have watched some of his other videos as well and one things that stuck out to me was his advise on trying to focus on the good things about yourself rather than the bad things. he doesn't have any arms and legs but he said he started to focus on his eyes which he liked and that helped him. i decided to try this and i really like my hands and wrists so i'm trying to focus on these good things instead of the things i don't like so much. it's not really the easiest things to do because for some reason the negatives invade the positives but maybe overtime it will get easier...

check this out: http://pinterest.com/indyink/don-t-compare-yourself-to-celebrities/ It's eye opening!

yesterday i was doing some research into photoshopping and i read that 99.9% of photos in just one magazine are photoshopped. is that just crazy or what? what is our world coming to? sad.

i find it both funny and frustrating that no matter where i go there is always that one person who has to comment on how little i speak and when i do talk, it's noticed and commented on. i hate this so much, but there has to be some reason for it. i had it at elementary school, middle school, high school, and now college. what is the lesson i am supposed to learn from these annoying people?

i have been seeing a counselor at the school's wellness center and it's surprising to me how beneficial it has been. i haven't typically had good luck with going to therapy but there's something different about this. i really like the counselor. she's really nice and easy to talk with. but i think the biggest thing that is different is the fact that i am able to be open and honest with myself and therefore i can be open and honest with her. this, i believe, is what is most needed from the patient because if you are not willing to be honest and willing to admit the things you are doing (even though it may feel sucky) then you will never get anywhere. the times i went to therapy before, i wasn't ready to be honest with them because i hadn't yet been honest with myself. i was denying things i was doing and didn't want someone else to judge me on what i did or didn't do or what i was thinking. i have come a long way i think :)

it's amazing how much a simple walk in the fresh air can help me. i was feeling overwhelmingly sad this afternoon and when i decided to take a walk i started to feel a lot better. i think it's mainly because i can walk and talk opening about everything and anything without any judgement or thinking that someone is listening. i can be honest and say whatever i need to and not need to have someone approve of me and my thoughts. no one is there to laugh at me or question what i'm thinking. it's pretty sweet. i felt a lot happier after i walked for a while. it's good therapy. and cheap!

reasons to recover: from http://100reasonstorecover.tumblr.com/ and some of my own too!

1) so that you can believe them when they say "i love you"

2) because guilt will kill you

3) to experience real laughter

4) because there is more to life than how much you weigh

5) so you can have beautiful children and a family

6) so you can stop blaming and lying

7) so you can stop the competition

8) to realize how beautiful you are when you stop trying to be perfect

9) so you can see how wonderful life can be

10) because you owe it to yourself

11) to realize that being happy doesn't have anything to do with your body size

12) so you can do the things you said you would always do

13) so you can finally believe in yourself

14) because people who love you want to see you happy and confident

15) so that people will trust you again

16) because negative attention sucks

17) because being sad sucks

18) so you can have energy again

19) to be proud of yourself

20) to not feel like you are always in a fog

21) so you can focus again

22) because you deserve it

23) to do the things you once could

24) to stop hurting the ones who love you by hurting yourself

25) so you can look forward to another day instead of dreading it

26) to know that there is more to life than wanting to sleep

27) to free yourself

28) to believe him when he calls you beautiful

29) to finally realize that people will love you for you are are, regardless of your weight

30) because your scars shouldn't define your future

31) so that family gatherings are not painful

32) so that holidays can be joyful

33) to be able to have fun again

34) to stop pushing people away

35) to finally feel like you should live as opposed to thinking you shouldn't

36) to realize the world is not going to end if something doesn't go the way you planned

37) to have control over ed and not the other way around

38) so you don't have to lie awake wondering if you will wake up in the morning

39) because you deserve to nourish yourself without feeling guilty or bad for doing so

40) for the people who said they'd never give up on you

41.) so you don't have fake being happy

42) because you are worth it

43) so that counting calories is not the only thing that runs through your head

44) so you can wear short sleeves in the summer

45) so you can be proud of your body

46) so you can accept compliments

47) because hating yourself is a waste of time

48) because going to the beach is supposed to be fun

49) to break free from the scale

50) because anxiety over what you ate is pointless

51) to be able to go to the grocery store and not worry about if people are judging you by what's in your cart

52) because hurting yourself and starving yourself will not suddenly make you a better person

53) so you can let go of needing to be better than others

54) because reaching perfection is impossible

55) so you never have to watch your lover cry because they think you are going to die

56) because you are beautiful 

57) so you can look in the mirror without picking every single inch of your appearance

58) so you can trust yourself and your body

59) so you can have control over your thoughts

60) to be able to see the positives instead of the negatives

61) so you can be yourself

62) so that you can enjoy your birthday for once

63) because food is meant to be enjoyed

64) so you don't have to lie to yourself anymore

65) being able to realize how much people actually care about you

66) so you can feel like life is worth living

67) because hospital visits suck

68) to feel happy in your own body

69) so you don't have to rely on others for your happiness

70) so you can finally live

my body is amazing.

i will let this sink in for a while...

single rooms are amazing and they save lives.

long time no write. i haven't had the motivation lately. this seems to be the pattern for a lot of things. i can't seem to find the motivation to write, draw, do schoolwork, etc. i have, however found the motivation to continue doing the work of byron katie which i talked about in my last post. i signed up for the work online which has been very convenient. it's been really helpful, especially with ben and school related things. i read a quote the other day by byron katie that said "all sadness is a tantrum" and at first i didn't believe it, but after days of pondering about it i have come to see how it is true. sadness is something you do when things don't go your way or something happened that you didn't like. most of the time anyways. it's like getting sad over not being able to go some where that you really wanted to go. it's a tantrum. why? because you're upset over something that didn't happen the way you wanted it to. you are sad and upset at reality. it's kinda confusing at first to understand the work of byron katie, as some ideas are hard to grasp, but as you continue to do it and as long as you have a completely open mind and are able to be honest with yourself, it can be a very life changing experience.

this weekend i was lucky enough to go to kripalu for a byron katie workshop so i have been here since friday night and have been reflecting on what was being said and what i have been experiencing while thinking about my life and the thoughts in my head. the biggest thing that i think i have learned so far has been the simple fact that people have the same feelings, thoughts as i do. i have been told this more times than i can count but i never believed it because i never saw it. i always saw people as happy and with no problems or their problems weren't as bad as mine. however, this weekend has really opened my eyes up to the fact that everyone has something. everyone has some issue, some problem, something that they are working on or that is hard for them or that is making them miserable. i didn't really get this until today within the last hour or so of the program when a lady stood up and did the work with katie who had an addiction to opium. at first i was thinking 'oh we have nothing in common because shes addicted to opium and i am clearly not' but then when she got into the work and started really looking at her life and what her thoughts were saying i found her to be exactly like me in terms of our thoughts. she talked about how she always felt judged and would impose ideas and words onto the people around her because she thought they were judging her. she interpreted her parents saying a simple 'good morning' as 'you should have been up earlier'. i do this all the time with everything and everyone. ben does something or doesn't do something so i internalize it as 'he doesn't care' or 'he thinks this or that about me' when in reality he never even said anything! it's crazy what we do when we believe our thoughts!!
the other thing that was amazing to me was how this lady had an image in her mind of what she thought was a healthy her, someone who she wanted and strived to be. she said she pictured this imaginary lady as thin and happy and beautiful and basically 'superwomen', but in fact this image wasn't even real! she was striving to be someone who didn't even exist. she was comparing herself constantly to someone who was imaginary, who was a nothing. i do this in my head as well. i see a strong, beautiful, thin women who is laughing and happy and outgoing and has everything together and everyone loves her. but this women is a nothing. she doesn't exist. she's my imagination and i will always fall short when comparing myself to her because she's not real. one thing that katie said that was so very true was the fact that even if we were able to get to be somewhat like this image in our heads, in my case, say i got to the weight i saw her as, okay so now you would think i would be happy because i was now equal in weight with this imaginary women but no, i would have another image in my head of a women who i would compare myself to and it would be a vicious cycle over and over again. it's just plain craziness!
so i have learned a lot just in two days but i am still learning and still trying to look inside to become myself again.

it's funny how at one point in my life i considered myself to be pretty positive and even other people thought so too, but now i feel like all i ever am is negative and have a hard time looking for the good...i'm not sure what caused this change though...i'm having a hard time being positive about anything lately...

i never thought i'd say this but i can't wait for winter and not just because that's when i get to leave this miserable place but because then i can wear my hat and cover up my awful hair and i can wear jackets to cover up my arms and stuff...

sometimes people are such assholes. sometimes all i want to say to them is "what is your fucking problem you bitch?" i know it sounds harsh but i mean seriously. like today in math class i held the door for this girl and she didn't say thank you and then i went to move my bag out of the way for another girl because it was in the aisle and she just whipped past me and gave me a bitchy look...all i was trying to do was be nice and what do i get?

i know i have unrealistic expectations for people so it sucks when they don't meet them in the way i think they should. i know i shouldn't do this because it just makes me upset and starts unnecessary arguments...i talk myself into thinking that because someone hasn't done one of these expectations that it must mean they hate me and never think about me and have forgotten about me and so on...i don't know why i do this and wish i could stop...

got weighed at the health center here...i was pretty worried it was going to be higher because i feel like i've gained so much since being here but to my surprise it was the same as always. i feel a huge relief after that. phew, ed was lying to me the whole time and now i can relax a bit knowing i haven't gained...

sometimes i feel like it would be easier if i just went home and wasn't part of all this college life stuff...i hate it so much...i feel like i'm going to be forgotten within all the homework and tests and studying going on, that maybe if i was home, people would miss me or something...it's depressing thinking about it.

sometimes i wonder why i even take art classes...i somehow think they're going to be a "fun" class but in reality it's the one class i dread going to. it's more painful than just a regular lecture class probably because i feel most alone during it...

i raised my hand yesterday in math...okay so not a big deal but to me this is a HUGE deal! i felt pretty proud of myself because i knew the answer and usually i would just keep it to myself but nope, not this time, this time i actually raised my hand and answered the question and i was right! so exciting.

if there is so much more to life than the number on the scale and the size of your stomach or thighs than how come i can't see this? why does it have to be so hard to get this fact through my brain?

sometimes i just wish i would turn my phone on and there was a sweet message...something as little as that would make my day...


feeling uncomfortable now even just wearing a t-shirt...

when i was at the worst with the ed i still had all the body image issues i am having now and have always had (weather or not i have cellulite, how much my stomach sticks out, how big my love handles are, my knees and legs, and my arms). it's almost funny when i think about it because ed tries to trick me into wanting to go back to the behaviors but what's the point? nothing is going to be better if i do, everything will actually be worse...i will still have all my issues (and even more), i will still have all the body image issues, so it's not going to solve anything by returning to eds lies. i have to learn how to accept my body and be happy with what i have now or else nothing is going to get better.

25 things i like about myself (no body parts)

1. i can make beautiful collages
2. my cool sharpie and pen drawings
3. i am a thinker 
4. i am an introvert
5. i have a good sense of color (i tend to know what colors go together)
6. i have a lot of passions
7. i am good at being quiet and listening
8. i'm pretty adventurous

i'll come back to this list...i can't seem to think of any more things...

life sucks. this is all i have to say.

alright so i thought this was pretty helpful...in my psychology class today she had us close our eyes and imagine certain things and one of those things was to imagine a loved on hugging you and how you feel when this happens. of course i imagined ben hugging me and i could actually feel his presence just as if he was actually there in the room. it was eye opening for me because this would never work for me before.

went to see Amanda at the wellness center this morning. i felt like it went well. better than well actually. i shared and talked about stuff that i have never even shared with my mom before. usually i keep it to myself and feel alone with it but i let it out and didn't feel guilty or bad about it. come to find out, the things that i have been feeling are very common and a lot of people feel the same way. learn something new everyday.

last night i told ben some things that have been on my mind a lot lately. i've been feeling kinda hopeless about the future and not really looking forward to life in general and the main reason, i think, is the fact that i don't want to grow up. i believe that is my biggest issue and everything stems from that for the most part. i am afraid of growing up and having all the responsibilities associated with that so i tried to stop my body from becoming a women and thus making me feel like a kid still...time still runs though and thus i'm growing up no matter if i want to or not, right now i'm just not liking it. i hate being on my own and having to rely on myself for things because i don't believe i am strong enough to grow up yet...  

went to a support group last night at this place in liverpool, ny. it was a group for ed sufferers and since i had never gone to any type of support group i thought i'd give it a try. i almost didn't go because ed tried to talk me out of it. he was all like: you can't go because you'll be the biggest one there, everyone else is going to be skinny and it'll just make you feel bad. this was tempting because i knew it wasn't that far from the truth. i knew that if i ended up going and all the other girls were smaller, then, yes, i would feel pretty bad about myself but i think ed didn't want me to go just because the fact that i was making a step to reach out and get better.
anyways, i ended up making myself go and it was fine. i really didn't know what to expect, but i found that i liked it. there was one other girl there who was my age, one girl there who was scary skinny and three older (like over 50) women there. we weren't allowed to talk about any behaviors or about what type of ed we had or anything so that was good and i wasn't pressured into talking which i was relieved about. although one of the older women was all like "everyone should talk...i get annoyed when not everybody shares" and so on. i felt kinda bad but maybe next week i'll share more.
the other girl that was my age was cool, i kinda want to get to know her better and maybe be friends.
there was a couple things that were said that made me think and one of those things was a thought that i had had not too long ago about how, instead of thinking about food as something that would make me fat or uncomfortable, think about it as a source of life-giving energy, think about what the nutrients in the certain type of food are doing for my body and how it's nourishing me. the girl who was sitting next to me said this exact same thing last night so that was interesting.
one thing that struck me was how, if i saw these people on the street and didn't know anything about them, i would never suspect that they had an ed of any kind. the girl sitting next to me was obviously very sick so she doesn't count because if i saw her outside the group i could probably guess that she had anorexia. but with the others i would have no clue, they'd just be people who i viewed as normal people with no problems...so anyway, yeah...not quite sure where i'm going with all this but basically i want to go back next week to this group and in the meantime, realize that even though i may not notice from the outside, everybody has something (maybe ed) that they're dealing with. no body is perfect. no body is free from troubles. i'm not alone.

ed likes to trick me into believing that i've put on weight here or there so that he can get me to feel bad about myself. he's usually pretty good at doing this but today, for some reason, i've caught him and i am no longer going to fall victim to his lies. he likes to pick out the spots where there is so called "fat" and make me criticize myself for these areas, when in fact they are not areas of "fat" but actually healthy muscle. obviously he can't tell the difference...i read an article this morning about how our lives are meant to be so much more than just trying to obtain a think figure or watching what we eat or controlling our weight to within certain standards. i mean seriously, when i really stop and think about this fact, i actually start laughing at how stupid and vain we/i are/am. there is so much more to life than that! we are stronger than that, we are worth more than that! we are not defined by our body weight, type, clothes size, etc. we have so many other things to do in our lives, why should how we feel about our bodies get in the way with that...? just something to think about...

Days will come when you don't have the strength
And all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart
They'd see too much

Chorus
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

Praying that you have the heart to fight
'Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

Be Enough Me from justbeenough.com

• What are you proud of this week?
• What do you like about You?
• What made you want to smile this week?
• What is one thing that reminds you that you are ENOUGH?
• What do you when you doubt that you are ENOUGH?

notes i took in my first year seminar class:

CURA PERSONALIS
(care of you as a whole person)

GO
FORTH
and
SET
the
WORLD
on
FIRE

{what's going to make me happy?}


who am i supposed to be present for today?

-INTROVERTS-

<INNER FREEDOM>

happiness for me:

• following my heart
• doing what's right for me
• following my inner passions, desires, wants
• being true to myself-not trying to be anyone else
• believing in myself
• reaching a personal goal
• knowing who i am

...but how do i know if it's the right decision...?

i hate life. i hate everything right now. i hate how ben is always better than me. he is strong and capable. he has friends. he has everything. i want to go home. i hate being here. i hate being alive.

sometimes i have no clue where to go to get my issues out....i try to talk to my mom and she gets mad at me or else i just have a hard time telling her how i feel especially when it comes to things such as food and body stuff...i try to tell ben about stuff just to get it off my chest but it just makes him stressed so i don't know what to do because i feel like i need to tell someone but someone who's going to be there to comfort me, to make me feel better because obviously i'm horrible at doing this for myself. i always feel like ed turns my comforting into excuses so i get so lost...

i try to comfort myself: every body is different. 
but then ed comes and shoots me down: yeah but you should be smaller than her. 


you can see how frustrating and tiresome this can become...i usually just give up.