I found these writings I did a while back...
January 18, 2011
1.) what do you want that you are not having? I want freedom mostly to just be myself around everyone. I love how open and crazy I can be just around Nicole and Ben and my mom, but that's about it. I love the feeling of being comfortable around someone and not having to worry myself sick about 'oh what are they going to think?' 'what are they going to say?' and so on. I'm not sure what it is about certain people, but some have the type of personality that I can open up to and some just don't. I don't like feeling judged, but I think I think too much about what they're going to judge me on and what they're going to say that I forget that it's okay to just be me, that if people think I'm weird, or stupid, or crazy than that's fine right? I just want to feel good about myself and love who I am.
2.)What do you have to live for? When I get really depressed I think about not wanting to live anymore. It has been happening a lot more. I used to always believe, not matter what, that I had a lot to live for, but lately when I'm feeling down in the dumps I feel that I have nothing to live for. I'm not sure if it's the ED voice or just self-pity. It feels as though the feelings that I feel are so bad and painful that it would be better if I was dead so I wouldn't have to feel them. I know, however, that deep down inside, I have a lot of things to live for. First off I have my mom, who's been there from the beginning. She's always been there for me, no matter what. She's supported me and listened to me and tried to do everything and anything she could to help me. She's been my best friend since seventh grade and I don't know what I'd do without her. There is Ben, who has been my steady rock for the last year. He's everything to me. He's taught me so many things and helped me to see things that I needed to see. I have my future children to live for, something that has always made me happy to think about. I long to have kids and a family of my very own. I want to make my life the best it could ever be and I have to be alive and healthy to make that happen.
January 15, 2011
It snowed about 16 inches or so on Wednesday and although I got out for a walk in the morning before it got really bad, I had a really hard time the rest of the day not being able to go outside or even go to the gym.
January 4, 2011
I thought, food wise, today was a lot harder. My friend who is over eats less than I do, so I felt like I was eating all the time and I didn't feel as good about my body as I did yesterday. I must remember that feelings come and go and I don't have to believe them. This too shall pass.
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