Actually Friday seems to have lost it's excitement again this week (sorry for being negative)...Ben is leaving in two days and I won't see him again until May. It's hard being apart, as he's what makes my whole world go around but it makes me really appreciate the time I have with him and all that he does for me. I know I am truly blessed.
|Ben and I|
Anyways, I really do have some things to talk about today (besides Ben!)...while I was working out this morning, a couple things were nagging at me and I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget them.
The first thing has been something I've always had an issue with but this past week with Ben it has really shown itself....I HATE THE GYM. It's not that I hate working out (no way!), it's just the environment that I absolutely hate, all the people and the potential judgments they are making and I always feel like I'm being watched and stared at. So with this, I never go to the gym and instead workout at home, surrounded by me, myself and I.
But when Ben came home he wanted to go to the gym so I went but only did the bike and treadmill (which was fine) but no weights. I am scared to even walk into the weight room because it's all big muscular, intimidating guys and I'm just a little weak girl...so yeah, I feel a bit out of place.
Ben attempted to show me around and wanted to workout with me but my fear outweighed the want... unfortunately. I wish I was better at just doing things and forgetting what other people might think. Maybe some day.
The other thing that made me think this week was when I weighed myself at Ben's house (I don't own a scale and for good reason). Last time I weighed myself I was happy at the low number, but this time I was expecting and even looking forward to seeing a higher number but I was disappointed when it read less than the last time! Oh no! How the frig could I have lost weight? I upped my calories and started lifting weights...doesn't muscle weigh more than fat? I should have built at least some muscle, so therefore my weight should have gone up. But no. Nothing.
The hardest part though is feeling like I have gained some and yet the scale says I haven't...how could this be? How can I feel gross and disgusting when my weight is so low? No comprendo.
Anyways, now I really have to get my act together or nothings going to change. Blah. I am also hitting a wall these past couple of days because I have been having stomach issues and bloating so it's making me feel ten times bigger and therefore ten times more gross. Ed loves this though, he thrives off of making me feel fat. Grr. I am also due for my period in a couple of days so that doesn't help any either, as I tend to bloat and feel heavier and disgusting.
Wow, that was really negative...
On a more positive note, I got a call from the doctor at Mass General Hospital about my bone density test I did and everything is close to normal. My hips are a little low but other than that I'm a healthy girl! Yay for me! I haven't decided if I want to do the full study or not yet...hmmm.
And finally, as in the title of this post, I want to continue my list of things that I am proud of myself for:
- not freaking when I couldn't workout twice this week.
- making dinner on the whim with Ben and Ed was no where to be found.
- eating pasta with Ben (pasta is a fear food)
- eating roast beef that Ben cooked in...wait for it...BUTTER!
- going to the gym and facing some of my fears.
- eating steak dinner with Ben and his family...trying the mashed potatoes too!
- staying relativity calm and happy this whole out-of-wack week!
It's fun to look back and realize what I did that I'm proud of...it makes me notice where I'm making progress and to really take in my accomplishments. I like feeling proud of myself...it's a nice feeling.
On a totally unrelated note, I got a package today from the P28 company...they sell high protein bread so be looking out for a review soon!!
Hope you all have an awesome weekend!!
What are you proud of? How are you making progress?