Wednesday, June 6, 2012

waiw: a rough night {with a turnaround}

I'll admit it. Sunday night I had a complete meltdown. I don't know what happened. Okay, that's a lie. Ed is what happened.

Here's the scoop. I was at Ben's house and we were about to have dinner. His mom was making a pork dish, essentially pork and rice. Anyways, I was planning on having some but when I walked out to get it, I saw his mom dump a huge hunk of butter in it. This is when panic set in.
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Thanks to Jenn at Peas and Crayons for just being her amazing self!


Breakfast: Chobani plain yogurt, Cherries, GG Bran crips, Jessica's chocolate granola, orange NuNaturals.

I've been trying to have a larger breakfast so I don't have to feel like I'm stuffing my face at night. It's not easy but it's worth it. 
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It wasn't my normal panic. This was like an, omfg-get-me-out-of-here-I-want-to-go-home type of panic. I ran to the bathroom so I could compose myself. I failed.

When I walked out, Ben asked what was wrong so I told him. "I can't eat that".

He had a hard time comprehending my reason. Durrr. Normal people wouldn't care if butter was used or not. I am obviously not normal. But we all knew that.

Anyhoo, I preceded back and worth in my head, discussing the matter with Ed before coming to the conclusion that I would just have a little, but then I heard Ben ask, "aren't you gonna have rice?"

Hell no! God this was too overwhelming. I looked at him and just broke down. I couldn't keep myself from crying. I can just imagine what he was thinking.

"Oh my god, what is wrong with this girl?"

I know right. What is wrong with me? It's so crazy what a little butter will do to me. I was completely a mess. I made my way back to his room and continued my crying spell.
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Lunch {at work}: Cottage cheese, blueberries, protein powder, vanilla NuNaturals, and a brand new Uber LaraBar! I was blown away at how good these were. 
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I cried until my eyes literally hurt, which was painful. Fuck.

To make a long story short, I ended up not eating until eight and made myself an Amy's burrito and a sweet potato. It was hellish.

Looking back, I wish I could have just sucked it up and ate the damn dish, but if it was to happen all over again tonight, I am ashamed to say, I still wouldn't try it.

Butter is fear.

I'm starting to think this whole Ed thing is just my fate. It'll be inside me for life. God, that's depressing. I hope that's not the case.
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Dinner: Al Fresco Sausage tossed in a salad with kobucha squash with Total Omega Swirl from Barleans! Yums. 


Snack: Coconut pop! Heaven in my mouth. 
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The only way to get rid of Ed is to challenge him, I know this, and yet do I ever do it? Rarely. When I'm feeling good I will. But when I'm not? Well that's another story.

Ed is comfort still. He still sucks me in to his promises. And he still wins.

Some days I win though, and I have to keep those in mind. Positives, Tay. Focus on them.
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On a more positive note, I went to the gym this morning and worked out in the weight room! I did legs. Woot!
I'm so proud of myself<3


Have an awesome day sweet peas!!!

10 comments:

  1. I am so sorry,Tara... I know exactly how you feel,such incidents easily get you down and take away all the hope you might have had before. But trust me,you will NOT stay stuck in the ED forever! You are a fighter,girl,I know that. Just because ED wins a couple of times,it doesn't mean it has to win ALWAYS. Indeed,you are the one who decides upon when it wins actually,ya know? You are allowed to be "weak" sometimes,but never forget it mustn't become norm. You WILL do it,anyhow. I believe in you!

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    1. Thanks Kat. No, Ed doesn't always have to win, you're right. And I can decide that I am going to win instead! I believe in you as well girl<3

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  2. I'm so sorry for you Tay :(
    Hun you can & will fight this!
    You've been doing so amazingly well & 1 little set back is not going to change that!
    You are beating this! & Honestly I'm so so proud of you!
    You are moving in the right direction & you will be free.
    Keep fighting beautiful Ox

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    1. Thanks Ali! No, one setback is not the end, even if it feels like it at the time. Keep fighting too girl<3

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  3. Aww I'm sorry :( Even though I've come a long way, butter still scares the crap out of me. I would have probably freaked out too. And you're right, it's so easy for non ED people to not understand why we would freak out over it. But I mean, really?? Butter is like the devil to us! I wouldn't even touch it with a 10 foot pole.

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    1. Haha! I'm glad someone else agrees with me about butter! Maybe one day it won't be such an evil thing.

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  4. I'm sorry about the butter incident! I know that we all have our "fears" and sometimes we just aren't ready to tackle them all at once. Maybe you could plan a butter challenge? If you plan it, you might be able to better prepare for it and then when a situation like this arises again, it won't be as anxiety provoking. I know that that always works with me. I believe in you Tayla! You can do anything you set your mind to <3! I'm proud of you for going to the gym and working those arms ;).

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    1. Yeah you're right Cara, maybe I can work on my butter fear in steps or something. Planning it would be a good idea! Thanks! You too Cara! <3

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  5. Are you seeing a therapist? It's not a sign of weakness to get help, and you and your family/friends deserve better than to have to deal with this! HUGS.

    xoxo,
    LLE

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    1. No they haven't been helpful in the past...just trying to pull through on my own at the moment<3 HUGS too!

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