WIAW # 1: My Day

My first WIAW from Jenn at Peas & Crayons. 

Woke up at seven-ish and made this mess...waited for my mom to get home from work and took a nice long walk with her and the dogs, although Kezo was being abnormally slow. 

4oz chobani oranges and cream greek yogurt,  half a banana,
chia seeds, wheat germ, raw chocolate powder,
bee pollen, muesli,  and carob chips

 Tucker decided he needed to try my drink...couldn't tell if he liked it though. With my shake I had an un-pictured hard boiled egg with ketchup. 

8oz original coconut milk with spiru-tein
cappuccino protein powder and
some turmeric powder

I worked out while my mom took a nap in my bed. It was an arms day so here is what I did:

chest:

• flat press
• chest flies

Shoulders:

• side laterals
• front laterals
• shoulder press

Biceps:

• bicep curls
• concentration curls

Triceps:

• tricep kickbacks
• one-arm tricep extensions
• dips

back:

• bent lateral
• upright row

I did twelve reps of each and ran through the set three times. It was fun!

Halfway through the workout I remembered that I hadn't taken my herb drink yet. The acupuncturist I go to precribed Chinese herbs for me to take which are supposed to help with my anxiety and with building internal strength. They taste horrible so I had a little bit of agave syrup and it helps. 

These are the raw herbs..I cooked them
and strained them for a tea-like drink

Lunch was difficult, as I had to constantly remind myself that Ed is a freakin liar and that I must eat for strength. 

Salad with toubouli, broccoli, and feta cheese

A pear with white chocolate peanut butter

It was such a nice day that I took Marlin (my golden) for a walk at a place next to the ocean. It was beautiful and when I got back I was completely surprised to see a box of flowers on my door step...

Beautiful Roses from Ben for out
Two Year Anniversary!

After figuring out my flowers I snacked on a piece of this bread...my mom and I went to Freeport, Maine yesterday and picked up this Chocolate bread at the When Pigs Fly Bakery! It's amazing!

After my mom woke up we watched Ellen together and I made dinner.

Homemade sweet Potato Chips with
steak and ketchup

Peppers with hummus

I followed my dinner with an ab routine which went something like this:

15 crunches

15 straight leg butt/hip lifts

15 bent knee butt/hip lifts

15 crunch plus butt/hip lifts

15 toe reaches

15 bike crunches

15 leg lifts

1 minute plank

30 second side planks

I completed this three times and then watched Cupcake Wars!! Woo :)

My snack for the night was one of these babies with some carob chips:

Alright, off to finished my Nicholas Sparks book and to get some rest!!

Ed and His Deceiving Tricks

Last night while reading Life Without Ed, I found something cool that stuck with me and it's about Ed and his hypnotizing ways. Ed hypnotizes me. Ed tricks me into thinking that I am bigger than I actually am by telling me to focus on a certain body part and thus makes me feel like I magically just gained a lot of weight in that area...take the hips for an example, Ed has me focus all my attention on my hips and then all of a sudden I am feeling as though my hips have just gotten huge and they feel heavier. In this book, it explains how a regular hypnotist can do this trick as well, such as telling us to think and focus on our feet and then our feet will feel heavier and weighed down. It's all a lie and a tricking system in which Ed has a lot of experience in. I have been trying to notice when this happens (which is basically every second of every day) but it helps to just stop and notice that this is happening and that Ed is lying to me. It's not easy, obviously, but if I don't start questioning Ed and his manipulative ways, then I will never get to where I want to be. 

fear foods i ate today included:

1. peanut butter
2. any food past 7pm (i had coconut milk with chocolate protein)

yay i am making progress and i must say that becoming more focused on lifting has helped in so many ways!! i'm feeling good:)

New to Me Prodcuts

I bought a couple new things at the store today:

I haven't had this is a long time and thought I should give it another try:)

I finally just bought this even though ED was screaming at me not to...I showed him!

I also searched the health food store in town for some good protein powder and come to find out there are like over 10 different kinds! I was so overwhelmed that I just got a bunch of sample packets so I could find one I liked.

I tried the Raw Protein one and it was horrible...maybe cause I put it in water but it had no flavor at all...I'm interested to see which one is the best. Since I've been more into lifting and working out I need to add more protein to my diet. I remember trying some of Ben's protein powder a while back and thinking it was gross so I needed to find something both better tasting and healthier. 

Also, this morning I made plans with an old friend to go to dinner, thinking it would be nice to get out and do something different but then half way through the day I realized I really didn't want to go. I wasn't really that nervous about the food aspect of it (although ED did seem angry), but it was more the fact that I didn't want to spend money! And also the fact that this old friend isn't someone I necessarily trust so I never know what to talk about with her...she tells me like her whole life story and everything that is going on for her and then she expects me to do the same but I don't really like telling people all the details about my life, especially if I don't trust them...I don't know what to do really haha...we'll see I guess.

I recently read a quote that went something like this, "The choices you make today will affect you for the rest of your life."


It got me thinking (which I seem to always be doing too much of) and although I never really understood this it's so true. I have made some stupid choices in the past and they have all affected my life that I have now so obviously the choices I make today are going to affect my future self down the road. It's easier to think about this in terms of ED. The choices that I make today related to ED will ultimately shape how things will be later, such as if I will be able to have kids or not (this is huge for me as I really want to be a mom). I don't know if I'm making any sense at all but it's clear to me now...I need to start thinking about making better choices so that when my future self looks back she will thank me. <3 

this morning i woke up and tried to challenge myself with a new breakfast...i still had my usual chobani yogurt because i would die without it haha, but this time i added granola and half a banana to it along with my usual bee pollen and chia seeds. this was hard for me because i usually freak out if i go over my 140calorie breakfast but i need to start adding more things in order to get my calories up especially since i am working out more than  before. i think i did a good job though...the key is to start slow and go from there...i just need to keep my focus on getting better and making sure i make decisions that my future self will thank me for.

i went to the grocery store today with my mom to get a few things and one of the things i wrote on the list was almond butter. i used to have this all the time before my relapse but it became something to stay away from in ed's eyes so it was scary even writing it on the list. i walked to the isle where all the nut butters were and started  to pick one out...it didn't go so well. i must have stood there for five minutes just looking and reading the different kinds, picking them up, reading the nutrition facts, putting it back...all the while ed's annoying voice telling me that i better not get anything because it's going to make you fat. i panicked and suddenly felt like people were watching me...i'd been staring at the shelf for almost ten minutes battling ed in my head that i forgot that there was a world of people around me. i gave in to ed on the almond butter debate...it came down to two things: one that obviously nut butters have a higher-than-what-i'm-used-to caloric value and two if i buy it and never use it then it would be a waste of money. i feel bad that i let ed win again...live and learn and i will try again tomorrow i guess.

the day before leaving for ny i went to the thrift shop with my mom and found a pair of jeans for $1!! they had some rips here and there but hey $1? i couldn't say no. i got home and sewed up the rips and now i can't seem to take them off! i am in love with these jeans and what happens when i'm in love with clothing? i wear it non-stop...but this is different because they're jeans! i mean i never have comfortable jeans that i would prefer to wear instead of my yoga pants because that just never happens, so when these special pants came along i knew they needed to be worn all the time. haha.

so since i've been in syracuse with ben my stomach has been hurting non-stop....it's like that nervous weird-like shit feeling and it wont go away...it sucks because it effects everything i do and makes me feel poopy if you know what i mean..i think it has to do with being around all these people again, because at home my stomach hasn't hurt pretty much at all. people my own age make me nervous as hell, especially girls. i always feel like everyone's better than me and that they're all looking at me and judging me and talking about me, which probably is the farthest from the truth but you know....

"I will fight this illness and feed myself, not feed this illness and fight myself."

This is my new favorite quote...

For as much as she stumbled she's runnin'
For as much as she runs she's still here
Always hoping to find something quicker than heaven
To make the damage of her days disappear


these lyrics from the eli young band sum up some of my tough days...i'm always running but i'm still here.

got to syracuse after a very long and boring bus ride yesterday...met ben at the bus station and as soon as i saw him i ran into his arms...i was so happy to see him! today, i am working on accepting that this whole week will be a relax and lazy week for me. you can imagine how hard this is going to be for me but i need to do it and be happy doing it. it's important to me that i am happy while i'm here and i think part of doing that is realizing that not walking or working out as much as i usually do is fine and that i'm not going to die. ben makes me so happy and if i can just try to focus on this then i think i will be fine. <3

i won't go into all  the details but last night i had something happen that pissed of ed like no other and i say ed instead of me because i don't think i was mad at all...the situation was something that ed had rules about and everything was going against them and he didn't like it. at first i just thought i was the one who was upset and i couldn't figure out why and then i took a second to think and it donned on me that ed was so angry that he was trying to make me so angry and thus ruin everything for me. i'm not sure this is making much sense but last night i realized something huge and i am proud of myself for that. i realized that i don't have to listen to ed. i have a choice to go along with his rules or not and i don't want to anymore...he's been controlling me for way too long and it's time he stops. so fuck you ed. fuck you.

feeling the effects of the lack of sleep...feeling very slow? or low? not sure how to describe it...just feel like NOT MOVING. my body aches from head to toe...i'm pretty sure every muscle hurts in some way or another..not sure why though. hmm. i'll probably try to relax and take a shower and maybe draw...i'm due to make some form of art as i haven't in many days...

alright so i'm still up and it's what? 4:41 in the morning...it's been a real tester though...food wise that is. i keep getting really hungry, to the point of throwing up so i have to force myself to eat something...i have to keep fighting ed non stop with this as he believes i shouldn't eat anything but then i'm like hey, this is the first (and probably last time) i will ever stay up all friggin night so why not live a little and just have healthy snacks and stop worrying weather i'm going to gain weight or not! i mean, seriously, i'm not going to just gain 10 pounds overnight...that's ridiculous!! so fuck it!

it seems that i am the most motivated at night...i always resolve that i will do better in the morning and then everything hits me and i fail...but i have to remember that i'm not failing, just learning and i think each day gets better and hey, at least i am motivated right? i'm getting there and that's what counts.

i am very proud of myself for the last couple of days. let's start with two days ago, i walked right into a cafe in my town and dropped off my job application without backing out like i usually would do,and then yesterday my mom and i went thrift shopping around 1pm and didn't get back until  5pm, normally this would be an issue for me because i like to walk twice a day and preferably in the light, but to my amazement i stayed calm and continued to have a fun time with my mom and we went for a wonderful walk in the dark when we got back. and then today, i went in to that same cafe for a job interview and didn't feel too nervous...i felt happy and hopefully they thought so too! so, it's either the acupuncture or the seredyn or both but something is working and making me less anxious and irritable!! all is good.

my mom told me tonight before she headed out for work that i looked better (face wise)...looked better in the way of healthier and less pale...i guess a couple of weeks ago i had no color to my face whatsoever...

i had acupuncture last night...it was fine except for the fact that i had to lay on the table in just my bra because i had the needles put in my back...i wasn't expecting this at all. all i could hear was ed's voice saying how gross i must look because today i had a bad stomach bloating day and it hadn't gone away before i had my appointment. i kept talking back to him, with words along the line of "just fuck off" and "who the hell cares"...it worked a bit.

the next chapter in jenni's book talks about "ed's rules" so i decided to start with her examples that she gives and then add some of my own (or should i say ed's?) remember though, these are LIES.

1. i must always be the smallest/thinnest person in the room.
2. i must always eat less than everyone else i am dinning with.
3. my stomach must be flat on all days.
4. i must be able to feel all my bones (ribs, hips, pelvis, collarbone, shines, etc)
5. there must be no cellulite. ever.
6. when i lay down on my back, my stomach must sink deep inward.
7. i must feel only muscle, no fat.
8. pants must be loose at the waist.
9. i must always get more exercise than the people around me

i'm sure there are so many other ones that i am failing to think of but as they come up i will add them to the list. i am not writing this list so that i can obtain to these rules, i am writing it so that i can distinguish them and realize that they are LIES and that ed is hurting me. i am also writing them down so that when one of them comes up at  any point, i can recognize it and disobey it. 

"Direction is important, not destination."

i need to be reminded constantly of this. i seem to always need to know the destination of my direction when in reality,all i need to do is just head in the right direction (for me) and everything will work itself out and i will end up exactly where i need to be.

started reading "life without ed" by jenni schaefer and i love it so far.

some things from it struck me deep and i had to write them down. i adapted them for my situation.

Ed's Lies: LIES
1) if i just keep my weight low enough i can be in complete control of my life.(of course the complete opposite is true!)
2) if i am small enough i can be everything that everyone wants. (again, the opposite is true)
3) if i do not take up space then i won't get in anyone's way. (ed is taking up everyone's space!)
4) everyone will like me. (i am boring now)
5) ed makes me special and without him i am nothing. (i am so much more without him!)
6) ed will make me perfect. (i will never be perfect and that is just fine!)

jenni talks a lot about the ultimate goal when fighting against ed:

DISAGREE WITH AND DISOBEY ED.

so i came up with some small daily goals in order to achieve this bigger goal:

1) focus on separating ed's voice from my heart voice.
2) write down conversations with ed when they come up and are hard to deal with.

these seem like reasonable things i can focus on throughout each day. :)

yesterday was semi rough...i headed to my friends house and we had a really fun day just hanging out and making cupcakes but i was going nuts because i didn't get my walks in and my workout...i was feeling pretty gross and lousy but i had to keep reminding myself that it wasn't forever and that i wasn't going to die...today has been better, probably because we took a walk this morning out on the board walk near her house and we walked through main street which was fun and then, of course i came back home which always makes me feel better. this week end just made it even more clear to me how much i need to recover...

while i was working one of the nurses on the unit looked at me and said "you need to eat more ice cream!" i just smiled and laughed, going along with it...what was i supposed to say? i felt oddly self-conscious for the rest of the day...was everyone thinking this about me? could they see though my facade the real me and all my problems?...

worked the last two days..cleaning. not fun at all but whatever. had a rough day yesterday..really didn't want to be there...i get my work done and then i have nothing to do. i just wanted to be home, doing whatever i wanted...when i got home my mom and i talked a lot about my life and how i would ever get through it with my work issues and soon...i got really up set and scared and hopeless but then i had to remember that it's okay, everything will work out and i will be fine. work to day didn't go as bad..i still got bored but i tried to make the best of it and i got through it. paycheck.paycheck. paycheck. that is what ran through my head when things got rough...