you'll probably never see me...

{I stole this idea from Haley...hope she doesn't mind.}

you'll probably never see me...

...wear a dress. I love them I really do, but me, wearing one? That's another story. I like to pretend I could pull it off, but I can't. I'm not girly enough. Special occasions are fine, but just for fun? Nah. 

...with clean nails. I know, gross right? Yeah, well whatever. I work outside and get dirty. I like dirt what can I say. 

...watching tv on my own. I only watch tv when I'm wth others or at Ben's house. At home, I almost never have the tv on. I can't figure out how people do it. Lay around and watch shows all day. I guess if I was sick or something, but still. I need to move, read or so something besides kill all of my brains cells. 

...dancing. I'll just save everyone the embarrassment of watching me dance. I can't do it. It's impossible and just so damn awkward. I am so incredibly nervous for my wedding day, I might not survive. 

...speak, if you don't know me. Yeah it's true, I'm that girl. The one who doesn't say anything in a group. I'm the one who everyone is amazed at when I do utter something. Everybody is so surprised, like they didn't know I had a voice. It's annoying because I do like to talk and sometimes Ben can't get me to shut up, but when I'm around people I don't know or who make me feel uncomfortable, you don't even know I'm there. 

...having fun while shopping. Gasp. A girl who doesn't like to shop? I know, it's true. Although I do like to buy new clothes, I just hate doing it. It makes me tired and when I'm with someone else, I'll get grumpy and probably end up ruining the whole thing. If I do shop, I go alone. 

...buying clothes at a "real" store. Kind of goes with the one above. I can't fathom buying full-priced clothes after being in a thrift shop. It's amazing what a nice consignment store will have sometimes. I have found all of my current pairs of jeans there and I never spend over $30 bucks. What a steal. 

...singing in the car. Well at least a car that has other people in it. It goes back to the talking issue. 

...stop at a yellow light. Bad girl, I know. But yellow means slow down, not stop right? Right. I shall make it no matter what. I scare Ben sometimes 'cause he thinks it's gonna turn red but I always win. ha ha ha. 

...taking a nap. I hate naps with a passion. The times I have tried to nap, I have always woken up more tired and groggy than before. And I can't figure out why you'd want to sleep during the day when you slept all night anyways. Blah. 

...swimming. I think I mentioned this before but I hate to swim. Everything from the coldness of the water to the fear of sharks to the massive amounts of water in my nose. I just hate it. Of all last year, I think I went in the water for about three minutes before I had, had enough. It's funny because Ben loves to swim and be in the water. Weird. 

...walking slow. An extremely hard task for me. I always tend to walk fast no matter where I am or what I am doing. When I hike, I am practically running, and in the grocery store, I always look like I'm on a mission. The first time I met Ben, we walked around the school campus and I couldn't understand why he was walking so damn slow! 

What things will I never see you doing?

Product Lovin' Friday

I'm so glad it's Friday. This week was the first official week of my new job. I don't think I mentioned what I do. I'm an assistant for a lady. Exciting right? I basically help her do whatever. Clean the house, run errands, feed the chicken and sheep, weed the garden, and other odds and ends. 

So far so good. It's tiring work though, I never sit down all day haha. But I like it. 

But I'm glad it's the weekend soon, as Ben and I have some hiking planned and also we're thinking of heading to the Old Port Festival in Portland, ME and making a trip to EMS! My favorite store. I am in need of some new shoes. Mine are falling apart. 

Anyhoo, I wanted to share with you some awesome products that I've been trying lately. 

Okay, with a name like Monkey Brains, how can their food not be just as amazing?! They didn't fail to disappoint. I loved these granola bars. It was coated in yogurt and tasted like fresh strawberries! Mmmm yum.  

They also make oatmeal, which I tried as well and that was just as good obviously. 

Tanka Bars!! Buffalo and cranberry beef sticks. Um hello? Did you say cranberries with buffalo? So good. 

Earth Balance coconut spread. Anything with coconut is something I want, so when this company sent me some free coupons I had to try this stuff! I put it on my sweet potato and it was heavenly!

This is not mine. It's Ben's dads, but I had to take a photo just because of the size of the bag. It was humongous! And there were two! Somebody loves their protein powder haha. 

There is a craze in the blog world for this PB Crave peanut butter and I'm on it. I got a package from this wonderful company a while back and I'm very sad to say every single jar is empty. I NEED more now. I mean raspberry peanut butter? Crazy good. 

Crunchmaster crackers. A wonderful little snack. My dad eve ate some and liked them. A bit on the salty side, but if you're a fan of salt like I am, you'd love them!

Growing Naturals Rice Protein. I tired this two ways. First I put it in a shake and it was pretty good, but then I made a paste from it, kinda like a frosting and added some stevia and oh man was it good! 

So there you have it, some products that I've been loving! Try them out and tell me what you think!! Have you tried PB Crave? Isn't it just the best?

Have an awesome Friday and a happy weekend!

Any exciting plans?

waiw: a rough night {with a turnaround}

I'll admit it. Sunday night I had a complete meltdown. I don't know what happened. Okay, that's a lie. Ed is what happened.

Here's the scoop. I was at Ben's house and we were about to have dinner. His mom was making a pork dish, essentially pork and rice. Anyways, I was planning on having some but when I walked out to get it, I saw his mom dump a huge hunk of butter in it. This is when panic set in.

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Thanks to Jenn at Peas and Crayons for just being her amazing self!

Breakfast: Chobani plain yogurt, Cherries, GG Bran crips, Jessica's chocolate granola, orange NuNaturals.

I've been trying to have a larger breakfast so I don't have to feel like I'm stuffing my face at night. It's not easy but it's worth it. 

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It wasn't my normal panic. This was like an, omfg-get-me-out-of-here-I-want-to-go-home type of panic. I ran to the bathroom so I could compose myself. I failed.

When I walked out, Ben asked what was wrong so I told him. "I can't eat that".

He had a hard time comprehending my reason. Durrr. Normal people wouldn't care if butter was used or not. I am obviously not normal. But we all knew that.

Anyhoo, I preceded back and worth in my head, discussing the matter with Ed before coming to the conclusion that I would just have a little, but then I heard Ben ask, "aren't you gonna have rice?"

Hell no! God this was too overwhelming. I looked at him and just broke down. I couldn't keep myself from crying. I can just imagine what he was thinking.

"Oh my god, what is wrong with this girl?"

I know right. What is wrong with me? It's so crazy what a little butter will do to me. I was completely a mess. I made my way back to his room and continued my crying spell.

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Lunch {at work}: Cottage cheese, blueberries, protein powder, vanilla NuNaturals, and a brand new Uber LaraBar! I was blown away at how good these were. 

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I cried until my eyes literally hurt, which was painful. Fuck.

To make a long story short, I ended up not eating until eight and made myself an Amy's burrito and a sweet potato. It was hellish.

Looking back, I wish I could have just sucked it up and ate the damn dish, but if it was to happen all over again tonight, I am ashamed to say, I still wouldn't try it.

Butter is fear.

I'm starting to think this whole Ed thing is just my fate. It'll be inside me for life. God, that's depressing. I hope that's not the case.

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Dinner: Al Fresco Sausage tossed in a salad with kobucha squash with Total Omega Swirl from Barleans! Yums. 

Snack: Coconut pop! Heaven in my mouth. 

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The only way to get rid of Ed is to challenge him, I know this, and yet do I ever do it? Rarely. When I'm feeling good I will. But when I'm not? Well that's another story.

Ed is comfort still. He still sucks me in to his promises. And he still wins.

Some days I win though, and I have to keep those in mind. Positives, Tay. Focus on them.

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On a more positive note, I went to the gym this morning and worked out in the weight room! I did legs. Woot!
I'm so proud of myself<3

Have an awesome day sweet peas!!!

a vlog {of my goals}

So I finally got around to posting a vlog. I am a little late on the bandwagon, as I know most of you have already done one before, but I'm weird so yeah. 

Over at Peanut Butter and Jenny, she is doing a Monday link up of your goals for the week/month/summer and since this video has to do with my goals, I thought I'd participate in her wonderful idea!

Forgive me, it's awkward! Oh wells. Oh and I look madly depressed most of the time but that's how I come across mostly so just ignore that. Enjoy!

{my favorite people and things}

Cara was so incredibly nice to nominate me for one of her reader appreciation awards! She's amazing and so wonderful<3 Thanks girl!

Here are the rules!

1. Include the award logo somewhere in your blog.

2. Answer these 10 questions, below, for fun if you want to.

3. Nominate 10 to 12 blogs you enjoy. Or you pick the number.

4. Pay the love forward and provide your nominee’s link in your post and comment on their blog to let them know they’ve been included and invited to participate.

5. Pay the love back with gratitude and a link to the blogger(s) who nominated you.

1. What is your favorite color? Oh god, this is so hard. I hate leaving other colors out by choosing just one. I would have to say lime green because every time I see something this color I point it out to Ben..."OMG my favorite color, look!" He must get so annoyed haha.

2. What is your favorite animal? Dog. Straight up best animal ever. Well gold retrievers to be specific. Okay, my dog Marlin is my favorite animal ever. Love you buddy! 

 3. What is your favorite non-alcoholic drink? Sparkling water. Although it makes my stomach look like I'm pregnant, it's worth the yummy goodness!

4. Do you prefer Facebook or Twitter? Facebook. I'm not really a fan on either but I use facebook for more of a positive uplift and self-love atmosphere. I don't see my friends posts because honestly, I don't care that you just went to wal-mart and got cigarettes. I see posts from these lovely people: Christie Inge, Real Beauty Is, Sacred Self, and You Are Enough just to name a few.  

5. What is your favorite pattern? Anything paisley. 

6. Do you prefer giving or getting presents? Giving. I love making cards and homemade things for people and I love the look on their faces when they like what I did for them. It's an awesome feeling!

7. What is your favorite number? 21. I always wished I was 21 when I was younger because I thought everything would be wonderful at that age haha. 

8. What is your favorite day of the week? Saturday. It's hiking day, except for today. Ben's going to Zac Brown tonight and I'm totally jealous. Poop. 

9. What is your favorite flower? Daisies. 

10. What is your passion? I wish I could tell you but I'm still trying to figure this one out. I love art and incorporating inspiring quotes into my collages but I don't know haha. 

My nominees are...
(I may nominate people who have already been before but whatever!)

Alexandra.
Haley.
Tessa.
Shannon.
Rachel.
Ashley.
Tara.
Meg.
Kat.

These are all incredible ladies and they have all inspired me in huge ways! <3

Hope you all have a great weekend!

a foodie penpal reveal and {some reasons to recover}

I won't lie, I've been putting off writing a post for some time now. I can't seem to find the words to describe how things are going lately. I'm not sure how to explain that some days have been so crazy good and then others I just feel like I'd rather be dead, it's so bad. 

To explain lightly, I am feeling overly gross and disgusting. Luckily, the herbs my acupuncturist gave me are helping with the bloating after meals and also with anxiety, so that isn't as horrible as before. It's just feeling "fat" that has been sucking the life out of me. 

Ben has been a huge help, though. He's such a sweetheart. 

Also, I've just been super busy and I am having a hard time finding time to write posts. I look at other blogs and wonder how they can post everyday and sometime even twice a day! How the hell? 

I started a new job that is during the day and I don't get home until five or so and by the time I have dinner, it's already seven. I have a hard time concentrating on things so when I don't feel like writing, it's difficult to get anything done besides watching tv and talking to Ben. 

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Okay enough with that stuff. I have a foodie pen pal to thank! 

Brooke over at Living on Love and Leftovers sent me a pretty sweet package full of things from Texas! I've never been there so it was cool seeing some different food and trying them. 

Lots of spicy foods! My mom loved the honey and was excited about trying the crab boil, as we've never heard of it before. 

Ben and I used the campfire dust that was made by Brooke's friend's dad on our burgers one night and it was very good!

I'm excited to try the other things when I find recipes to make. 

A lovely card<3 

  

Ben couldn't stop eating these spicy mango slices. They were seriously one of the best things in the world. I never knew mangoes tasted so good with chili spices on them haha!

My package that I sent off to Jennifer! Loaded with lots of different types of snacky foods :)

 If you want to find out how to be a part of this monthly wonderfulness head over to Lindsay's blog and check it out!

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On a completely unrelated note, since I've been feeling kinda down today in terms of recovery, I thought I'd list off some of the reasons to I have to recover.

1) To be free. No more going back and forth relentlessly with Ed about what I can and cannot eat. I will be free to have whatever I want and be okay with that. No more being chained down, I will be able to fly. 

2) To be able to have children. It's my biggest dream in life and if I mess it up by listening to Ed, I will lose it. 

3) To be happy. This means that I am happy with who I am, with my life, and with my relationships. Ed makes me focus on only the negatives, but life is only lived when your focus is on the positives. 

4) To be strong. I am sick of being seen as weak and fragile. As much as Ed loves it, I hate it. I want to be seen as strong and athletic, and someone who is healthy, not sick. 

5) To love myself. I'm slowly learning to love the real me, the me without Ed. I want to love myself and be my biggest fan. It'll get me so much farther in life, than any negativity will. 

There are more, but I'll stop there. I hope these will keep me going. One day at a time. One second at a time. Recovery is not easy, but since it's so hard, it must be worth it.  I hope so. 

Take care <3

{hiking again and sweating pink}

Good morning friends. I hope you are all enjoying your three day weekend. It's been nice over here in my neck of the woods, sunny for the most part. I haven't really been up to anything too exciting. My life seems pretty boring mostly. Besides the fact that I go hiking, but that is nothing new. 

Ben and I ventured out again on Saturday. Starting around ten thirty, we hiked seven miles to the top of Sunday River Whitecap (Maine), maintaining three miles an hour. We got to the top around one thirty. Lunch consisted of cottage cheese with peaches and blackberries and some yummy chocolate bites! Just what I needed. 

Yums!

 It was a perfect day. A few clouds but nothing serious. I tried to get my tan on, but I don't really tan. 

I lobster. 

  

I felt pretty good after we got back, considering we just hiked fourteen point two miles in just under six in a half hours, but I will never work out my legs on the day before. Man was I sore. 

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In other news, Sunday I woke up at noon. I can't remember the last time that ever happened. Maybe it was because I didn't go to bed until three thirty in the morning. Hmm. 

Anyhoo, Ben brought me home so I could get some school work done, but instead I went for a nice walk and got in a super sweet shoulder, chest, and tricep workout!

I be a growin'!! 

I also made myself this fabulous drink. I first got the real version in the mail from the generous folks at Bragg, then I found a recipe from Katie for a homemade version. I had to try!

Basically it's just water with some apple cider vinegar and stevia to taste! It was pretty awesome and I love knowing all of the benefits this stuff has. It's so great. 

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Shoelaces! (Ignore the gross shoes.)

Another great thing I got recently was a nice package from Fit Approach. I think I forgot to mention I am a new member of their ambassador program! I'm pretty excited. 

So yeah, I got a box of goodies including like ten pairs of bright pink shoelaces (email me if you would like some haha!) and a cool sweat pink tank top! 

Sporting my new gear!

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So since it's Memorial Day today, I am spending it with my Mom. I was in need of some good Mom time for sure. I missed her and our walks/talks.

I'll leave you with s new song. Ben introduced me to it and even though it's not exactly upbeat, it's an awesome song. 

Brantley Gilbert-Play Me That Song

 (: Have an awesome day :)

...another five {ten} things Friday..

It's Friday, you better be excited!!

1) I have a love/hate relationship with fruit. You never know when you will get a really good blueberry or raspberry, it's so annoying. I always need to end on a good note taste wise, so if I end with a tart berry, well that just ruins my whole fruit eating experience. I know you know what I mean. 

2) Chocolate mint tea? Count me in! Anything with chocolate and mint is my kind of thing. I swear, it's what heaven is made of. Whoever came up with this awesome combination is completely genius. Hats off to them. This was amazing by the way. I mean how could it not be?

3) I was totally proud of myself yesterday for just flowing along with whatever was happening. Ben had a lot of errands to get done which included switching the cars tires from snow to regular ones, mowing his dad's lawn, changing the oil in the car, and going to the gym. Not only did I actually enjoy the gym (ten mile bike), I also got a nice weights workout in as well (while Ben mowed the lawn)!! I also learned how to change oil in a car...quite interesting! I enjoyed watching Ben get all greasy haha just kidding!

4) I completely failed with picture-taking on Tuesday. Ben and I drove up to Bangor, Maine to check out an apartment for August. Since Ben is transferring to UMaine, we need a place to rent near the campus. The apartment was teeeeeny tiny. One room and a bathroom. I mean we don't need much but it may have been a little bit tight. It really put everything into perspective though. Ben and I will be on our own in three months! That's a scary thought. I know I'm scared as hell, not gonna lie. 

5) I ate something I LOVE the other night. Quesadillas! These are a major fear food for me, but I absolutely love them. We ordered dinner from Margaritas which could have been a huge disaster for me but Ed was luckily on vacation somewhere and didn't give me any trouble. Unfortunately, they weren't the greatest I've ever had but I was pretty proud of myself for eating them and being okay!

6) While we were getting the tires switched on the car we walked to Wal-Mart for some Monsters and I found this wonderful gum. It's the new flavor and I couldn't pass it up! Gum messes with my stomach but sometimes it's worth the goodness of root beer floats haha. 

7) I read a pretty good article which really helped to remind me why I must keep plugging along. It was from the Muscle and Strength website and it talked about the essentials of weight training/eating in order to gain lean muscle and lose fat. You can check it out here.

8) Shorts update: I have been wearing them non-stop and it's awesome. I can't believe how much comfort I've been missing out on from not wearing them before. Like I said, my legs and I don't always get along but in order to love my body I have to take steps in order to do so and this was a huge one for me. Of course I started out easy by wearing longer sports shorts, but hey, it's a start! I'm proud of myself for that. 

9) Some good songs this week? Jake Owen and Chris Young have new songs out and they.are.great!

10) Last but not least, I always love ending my posts with positive quotes I find on pinterest. I hope you had a great week and that your weekend is full of sweetness!!