Tuesday, January 31, 2012
just got back from my first acupuncture experience and it was...interesting to say the least. i really couldn't grasp what he was talking about half the time, a bunch of Chinese words and wisdom but i found it all really helpful and interesting. when he finally did the treatment it was weird and not at all what i thought it would be. even though the needles were tiny tiny tiny they still hurt (yeah i'm a baby). it was like a small prick and then a really weird feeling for the whole time. i had one in each leg, each ankle, each arm and one on the top of my head. i could feel the ones on my left side more than the right side which he said was common. hopefully this will help me as i am open to it so we'll see!! i go back next week, but until then, he gave me some tips. the first, eating something hot for breakfast (which will be very hard for me since i'm not ready to give up my favorite yogurt), and he said to practice mindfulness, which i have tried before but he explained it in a more simple way so i'll give it a second chance! yay:)
Monday, January 30, 2012
my new resolution (late but still applies): to get dressed somewhat nicely before going out of the house. i did this the past two days, even wearing a dress and it was amazing the difference it makes in my confidence. it's amazing what just some nice clothes can do. i usually just say 'fuck it' and wear my infamous yoga pants and over-sized long sleeve shirts, but not anymore. i have vowed to wear at least something decent (jeans, leggings, dresses, nice shirts, etc). let's see how this goes.
so i haven't been feeling so hot the last couple of days and i can't really pin point the cause. i'm thinking it's the Seredyn that i started taking but not sure. it said that stomach upset was a side effect...but then again i seem to always have stomach problems...but this is so much worse than my regular issues. i constantly feel bloated and at night i feel like i could literally puke. it's frustrating.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
i had to force myself to have more to eat today because i know i didn't have enough. it's hard. i feel really gross but i have to keep reminding myself that it's okay and that i need it. i need to nourish my body or i won't have kids or a future or anything.
Friday, January 27, 2012
last night i was so tempted to count my daily calories but i stopped myself from giving in. i can't. it would ruin my plan and progress. i have been doing good not counting for the last four days. i can't say it feels great but it feels freeing in some ways. i mean, it's hard to fight ed but i know i'm doing the right thing. i know that if i start counting (even for one day) i'll lose everything and won't move on. it's been especially difficult today because it has been pouring all day which means i haven't been outside for my daily walks. i'm going nuts but i can hear the faint voice of my heart saying that it's okay and that today is just a good day to stay inside and relax...i will try to listen to that voice over eds even though his is so much louder. i can do this.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
i had a reality check this weekend and i need to change or else i'll probably end up back in the hospital or some treatment center. i don't want to be this way anymore. i don't want to live like this anymore. i want to be free. i want to have kids when the time is right and if i don't change soon, my future may be dim. so i'm making small changes...starting small is always a good idea. the hardest part is obviously fighting ed's voice and being true to my heart voice. i see ed as a grey evil thing inside me that takes away everything from me. he takes my freedom and my relationships and my self-love. every time i feel his pull i need to picture myself strangling him til he dies. i want ed to die. not me.
Friday, January 20, 2012
i have decided that today and the next three days are "me" days...that is, i'm going to do anything i want and relax and try not to rush..i'm going to watch movies, maybe take a bubble bath and do whatever i feel like doing (even if it involves nothing! haha) oh yeah and i'm going to be happy too!!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
just had a slap-in-the-face moment. my friend is in the hospital for anorexia and shes been there for seven weeks and now she just found out that they're transferring her to another bigger hospital in two weeks and she'll be there for who knows how long...i got a kind of wake up call because if i keep going down the road i am on, i'll probably end up in the hospital again and what kind of life is that? i mean, i'm almost twenty and i want to do things with my life like have kids and open my own business, not sit in a hospital for anorexia you know? i don't know...
i'm feeling a bit sad because my mom just told me she was leaving tonight which would thus make her be gone for three and a half days...i don't want to be alone for that long, i don't know how i will do (sadness wise). i mean obviously if ben was here i wouldn't care but it helps to have someone else around to get my mind off missing him so much but when i'm alone...i don't know, i have a feeling it's going to be a long three days.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
lately i've been having fun searching the web for cupcake photos and recipes, but i sometimes get this weird sensation that by just looking at the cupcakes i am getting fatter and fatter. obviously this is not true but you know ed makes you think stupid things that don't make sense.
as soon as i came home my mom started picking on me saying how my eyes looked deep or something like that...i know what she means though...i look like a skeleton again. my bones are popping out everywhere and it's getting hard to hide, especially from my mom because she notices everything. i hate talking to her about it though, maybe because i know what i'm doing and i don't want to stop...or maybe it's just ed...who knows. i took a shower because i was cold and realized how bad i have gotten...i wrap my arms around myself and all i feel is ribs and shoulder blades and bonny elbows and hip bones. to some extent these things comfort me...they give me a sense of peace, but in the shower i hated them...i wanted to feel cushion for once...softness. i don't know what i'm doing. i'm killing myself again and the worst part is, is that i have no control over it...
i just go back from driving ben to syracuse...i finally made up my mind and decided not to go back with him. it was hard saying goodbye though. i tried to make it quick and painless. i didn't want him to see me cry so i held it in until probably two seconds after he turned to walk away. i drove off bawling. in order to counteract the sadness i turned the radio on high and blasted nickleback songs for about an hour. it helped. now that i'm home, i'm wishing i was still in his arms, but what i'm really wishing is that he is here with me instead. i feel incredibly weak that i can't even go a minute without him...i'm sad.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
for so long i thought that keeping busy would help me to not think about things as much and not miss ben so much but i'm starting to realize that maybe it doesn't really matter if i'm busy or not...i mean if i'm sad, i'm sad no matter what i'm doing so fuck it...
the last couple of days have been so up and down and all over the place...one second i'm on cloud nine, all sure about what i want and positive but then the next i'm so down in the dumps and hopeless about everything...i don't know what to do. i worked two days at my new job and absolutely hated it which makes me feel like a failure (i mean when don't i feel like this?). i keep thinking about what i want to do with my life and i get really excited when i think about the dream cupcake shop and making art and stuff but get depressed when i grasp the reality of actually doing that and then thinking about how my life will be if i just get a real job. i hate thinking that life is about getting up every day and going to a job that makes you miserable...i mean there's got to be more to life than that right? but opening my own business is really far fetched and entails money...and in case you didn't already know...i don't have that! this also has me thinking about the wedding ben and i are planning for 2013 but i'm really starting to question where we're going to get the money from which makes me think that maybe we'll need to hold off for a bit and that makes me depressed...anyways, right now i feel a mixture of emotions but i guess mostly sad and kinda down. ben leaves this weekend sometime to go back to school and although i've been trying my best not to think about it, it's hitting me hard tonight. i'm trying to remind myself that it's only three months or so and in the big scheme of things it's not that long compared to the rest of our lives together right? it still hurts to know that i won't be able to laugh with him and kiss his forehead and lean on him when i'm down...at least it makes me appreciate everything he does for me and everything he means to me...
Thursday, January 5, 2012
this may sound kind of sad but my proudest thing i did today (besides getting a job!) was that i made two different kinds of cupcakes with two different buttercreams and i didn't even have a little! i love making the cupcakes and making them looking pretty but i don't like eating them obviously.
Monday, January 2, 2012
i'm in capable of making a new year's resolution for the simple fact that i have too many and they're all too big and broad:
- be more patient with myself and others.
- love myself more.
- stop being so jealous of others.
- stop comparing myself to others.
- be more nice.
i mean these actually can't really count for resolutions because it's basically just a list of things i wish i could do, not really goals...well, i guess they're like lifetime goals haha. i think it's kinda weird too though that every one makes such a big deal about new year resolutions anyhow because in reality, you don't need a new year to be able to make changes...you have every second of every day to start again and make resolutions and goals.
any who, i do have one, okay maybe two things i could work on that aren't so difficult:
- make a list of positive things, or things that made me smile at the end of every day.
- take time to do The Work of Byron Katie every day, at least one belief or issue.
alright so let's get to it!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
it's funny how some people change and others don't. i mean everybody changes here and there but no body ever changes drastically, they're still always themselves. i thought i changed, became stronger and more "better" (not quite sure what that's supposed to mean but oh well) but long story short, i really haven't changed that much. i'm still the weak, girl-with-no-backbone i used to be.