Monday, August 27, 2012

Where's My Focus?

This was a conversation I had with Ben the other night that went a little something like this:

Me: "I figured out what my new goal is."

Ben: "Yeah?"

Me: "I wanna start eating really clean and lean up a bit."

Ben: ~just smiles~

Me: "What?"

Ben: "You can't afford to lean up Babe and you already eat as healthy as possible."

Me: "I wanna have better things, cut out sugar and stuff."

Ben: "What do you eat everyday? You never eat sugar."

Insert me thinking...

Ben: "What do you have for breakfast?"

Me: "Yogurt with things added in, lunch is usually a salad with tuna and nuts, snacks are granola bars and fruit, dinner is usually squash and sausage."

Ben: "And what did you want to cut out?"

Me: "Well, I use ketchup on my squash which has sugar in it. And...uh...I don't know, I eat too much peanut butter sometimes."

Ben: ~Laughter~

Me: "I tend to focus on the little things I eat that aren't as good instead of seeing that in reality everything I eat is like super healthy haha."

Ben: "Yeah I'm the opposite, like I'm proud of eating an orange today. That was my healthy food."

Me: ~laughs~

As you can see I have some issues. When I look back on my week, all I can think about is the chocolate chips I ate one night, and the little amount of sugar that's in the ketchup I use on my squash and maybe the extra tablespoons of peanut butter I ate as a snack. Why can't I be normal and just be able to see that I'm eating so freakin' healthy!? I don't get it.

I have been having some major body image issues every day to be exact. I can't seem to ever feel good about my body, no matter what. I lose weight and feel like shit and then I get strong and still feel like shit. Something's gotta give.

I hate the feeling of feeling fat. It's so annoying day in and day out. I just wish I could be happy with my body but all I focus on is how my arms look too big from the side and how I look "puffy" and how my stomach never seems flat anymore because I'm always bloated shitless. God, I hate this.

Some days I can block Ed out and be positive, but it seems lately, it's super hard and it takes a lot of mental strength to not listen to Ed.

It's hard because I log onto facebook and read blogs and all I see are photos of fitness guru's who have bodies like rocks and yet I can't see myself like that because I have a warped image of myself. I am really strong and lean but I can only see it on really good days.

I love the good days because I feel so proud of myself. My goal was to get stronger, and here I am, lifting heavy, pushing myself to add more weight and squatting more than I weigh without any problem. I have grown so much and have more confidence. But it's the days that aren't great that get me. I block every good thing out and can only see the flaws, where I want to be, what I want to have.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that changes don't happen overnight. I really have only been lifting heavy for about six months at the max. I mean come on, that's not enough time to see real progress. I must be more patient.

Anyhoo, I want to find a trainer/nutrition coach who can help me meet my goals, whatever they may be. I think I might seek out One Fit Foodie because I think she's great!

I'll keep you updated. In the meantime, I just have to continue to eat what I eat and lift heavy. It's as simple as that.


  1. This is what bothers me about some of the blog world right now, I mean I think this whole idea of eating clean would not be so implanted in our heads without that exposure of the recent blog trends. Remember that recovery is all about moderation and our bodies need that balance. You are working hard so keep it up!

  2. Oh Tayla,I so know what you mean... Reading several food blogs makes me feel super guilty and terrible about myself and the food I am eating,although I actually know it's SO ridiculous! Seriously,where does comparison lead us?
    I've stopped reading some blogs lately because they were so triggering for me and believe me,it was the best decision I could have made.
    You know,we don't have to be like others. It won't make us any happier. There is nothing like a "recipe" for happiness,really,we have to find out about OUR wishes,about what WE need to feel fulfilled.
    It is YOUR life,Tayla,not the life of someone else.
    And P.S.: I eat 1000x "unhealthier" than you do,and I am still alive and not fat AND gaining muscle! WHAT?!