five {ten} things friday!

1. I keep putting off my school work...one more day won't hurt :p

2) Ben and I attempted to go kayaking, but we forgot about a very vital part...the tide! 

Ben found a way to just sail through the mud, while I trudged around up to my shins! Totally and completely gross but loads of fun :)

3) I got Ben to try some of my healthy foods! GASP I know :p He loved these raspberry chocolate bars from EcoTrek. 

My mom loves them too!

4) A while back I picked up these summer-y shoes at target for like $14 bucks! I have yet to wear them, but they're so cute!!

5) I tried coconut flakes in my yogurt this morning and it was yummmmmmy! I love coconut so much :)

6) I ran four miles to the store today! I was very proud of myself. My intention was to pick up some milk and chicken for dinner tonight, but when I got to the store, I found out they didn't take debit cards! I was just a bit mad (insert multiple swear words here!). But hey, I got a wonderful run in!!

7) I made these beautiful sugar cookies!

Recipe adapted from Sally's Baking Addiction....they were amazing :)

8) Body image has since improved a tad bit from Wednesday! I came across some wonderful articles that really helped me put things in prospective. The first one was from Cheryl over at Happy is the New Healthy and the other one was from Jenni Schaefer (I love her!)

9) Random fact: I need to mow the lawn...it's getting a wee bit out of control! One more day can't hurt though right?!!

10) My new favorite show! I'm addicted :)

Have a wonderful weekend y'all!! 

Any fun plans??!

waiw: strong thoughts, strong body

Hey all, 

This week has been a huge challenge for me. In terms of Ed I have been failing majorly, but I think that it's just a giant learning process and is yet another step in recovery. 

I could choose to look at this weeks slip up as a negative thing or I could see it as something to learn from and do better with. I chose the latter. 

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(Thanks to Jen at Peas and Crayons for putting this together every week!)

Kays Protein Cereal! First time trying the cereal and it was pretty awesome, I must say. I have tried their other products (chips, pretzels, puffs) and they were amazing, and turns out the cereal is just as great!

I added some coconut flakes and cocao nibs along with some chocolate PB2 (unpictured). It was DELISH!

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I'll just go out and say it: I have been restricting big time for the last week. It has a lot to do with the fact that my exercise has dramatically decreased. I have had one too many rest days and that is when Ed came crashing through the door telling me I must not eat too much! Grr. 

Anyways, while working out today (my first official workout since last Monday gasp!) I kept repeating to myself over and over "strong, strong, strong". Ed was raging in my head, yelling at me that I have gained so much weight and that I must be skinny, skinny, skinny, so I had to scream back at him. 

I have to keep in mine that I don't want to be fragile and weak anymore. Been there, done that. It never got me anywhere but in hospital beds. Wouldn't I rather be strong and healthy and be able to run and lift and do everything I want? Durr yes!!

Sometimes I forget what my goals are and that is when Ed takes over. He tries to sway me back to his goals for me, but I won't have it. 

Get the fuck out of my life, Ed. I have my own goals now and you are not one of them. 

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Anyhoo, moving on. 

Bettey Lou's recently sent me a HUGE package of goodies and I finally got around to trying this almond butter ball. OMG it was so freakin good! I tried savoring it but it was just so darn good, it was impossible. 

My mom tried one of these blueberry fruit bars and said they were her favorite! I had one while in the car going to pick up Ben last week and I definitely agree..they are excellent!!

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I think that from this week I have learned many things, but the most important being that I can and will accept my body for what it is and continue to become stronger no matter what Ed says or does. 

I must keep pushing forward and fighting Ed with everything I have. 

I keep telling myself that everything will be worth it, even if it looks completely hopeless right now and I feel shitty about everything. One day all of this pain and torment will be worth it. 

It will be worth it when I can go out to eat with Ben and not worry about what I can or can't order. It will be worth it when Ben can cook for me without my Ed thoughts screwing everything up. It will be worth it when I am looking into my future daughter or son's eyes and can thank myself body for providing me with such a wonderful miracle. 

On a different note...

I read an article today about body image and working out and such...I found it through Vanilla Bean Lean who posted it on facebook...it's from the blog Lift Big, Eat Big. So good, go read it!

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I conquered a regular ol' pizza with Ben last night..ahhh I know right?!! It was a challenge but it needed to be done. I told Ben just to get whatever kind he wanted and I would have it. And I did. Two slices plus some kobucha squash for old time sake! And guess what? I didn't die afterwards and in fact I didn't even feel all that uncomfortable :)

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Did anyone catch the premier of The Bachelorette Monday night??!!

I watched some of it but then Ben was getting bored so we switched to The Office instead, but I finished the episode online and it was pretty good. I like Emily and I am addicted to this show! Haha. 

Well, that's it for today loves! :)

Hope you're having a great weak <3

{a better life is coming}

Hey beautifuls!

This past week has been full of as much up and downs as you could possibly get. 

A few updates...

1.) I joined The Libero Network and will be writing for them as well as on this blog. If you haven't checked out their website, it's great. They specialize in blog posts from writers on eating disorders, depression, and other addictions. You can check out my personal page here.

2.) Ben and I went for a 10.5 mile hike yesterday and we are completely dead now. We had planned on maybe 7 miles or so but decided to catch up with his Dad so we headed down on a different trail instead which increased the miles. We were dragging by the end, but it was so worth it and we had a really great time! 

Us on the top.

East Balpate Mountain, ME

3.) Today I woke up and felt so freakin' gross, I didn't want to do anything at all. I tried my best to not let the feelings get to me but it was so overwhelming. I took a shower and that helped, but what really helped was an article I came across on Meg's blog from Sable at Squat Like A Lady. It was exactly what I needed to read and it made me feel so much better. 

4.) I read another article from Kat at A Dash Of Fairy Dust. It was all about recovery and it just made sense to me and kind of kicked me in the butt, which was something I needed. 

5.) I made Ben and I dinner the other night and I actually succeeded! I made sweet and sour pork with a carrot and garlic stir fry. It turned out to be amazing!

Hot Coco for desert? Yes please!

6.) To be honest, since picking up Ben on Tuesday, eating has been going downhill slowly...I feel like I have lost motivation to keep my calories up. I know it has a lot to do with comparing myself to Ben and what he's eating, but I know I can't use that as an excuse. I haven't worked out for almost a full week now and it's really getting to me, which is also having a huge effect on my eating. I can't wrap my head around the fact that I still need calories even though I am not moving my body. Grr. Need to kick my butt back into action very soon. 

7.) Ben and I had an interesting talk the other night about my eating. He was upset that Ed was always around and that I wasn't doing as well as he hoped...I asked him how he saw me without Ed and what he said hit me hard. "You wouldn't worry about stuff and we could just do things without thinking about food." Durr. I wish I could do that and I guess I thought maybe I was almost there, but nope. What was I thinking? I am so far away from being where I want to be, but thinking about it like that only makes things worse. Stay positive Tay. 

8.) My favorite song for this week. It helps me to remember that yes, a better life is coming. 

Keith Urban-Better Life

Hope you all had a wonderful day! 

...better late than never...

Hello!

Sorry for the lack of wiaw post...I had it all written and ready to post and then blogger somehow lost the damn thing...like what the hell? I was so pissed. 

Oh wells, it's all good because my baby is home!! 

Two seven hour drives later and he's home for good...thank god. Missing someone is hard shit.

Since I didn't get out a post for Wednesday...I'll share some photos of food I'm been trying as of late...

I found this wonderful stuff at wal-mart on sale and couldn't pass it up. It's like maple syrup flavored almond butter and it's the best thing in the world. 

Recent breakfast of yogurt, trail mix, lemon stevia, bee pollen, and chia seeds.

Nicole and I made these matcha green tea cupcakes with clementine icing on Sunday! 

I received a nice package from SunRidge Farms and loved this trail mix! It's already gone...

I found this gum at a CD store and had to buy it...happy gum for your crappy life...I love it!

Recent lunch of salad with tuna, tobouli, hummus and mustard.

A package of PB2 and PB2 chocolate arrived last week and I was ecstatic...I have to say, though, it's not as great as regular peanut butter...but it's pretty good! 

Tried this the other day from NutriBiotic...it wasn't too bad. It would have been better if I had added a banana or something to the mix but any kind of protein is good!

I went for a nice run on Monday near the ocean...I felt so strong, it was awesome. 

The pile of snacks I brought for the car ride...unfortunately I failed on the eating part of the trip...sitting down for seven hours and no exercise really got to my brain and I had a really difficult time eating what I needed to....    

Kobucha squash will never get old...really, I've been having it every single day and now even for breakfast and lunch...I'm addicted. 

I tried this SciVation xtend energy powder and it's awesome...tastes amazing and gives me awesome energy!

I'm so excited for Ben to be home...I've just been hanging around with him, doing nothing really haha. Today we got up at 11am, which I never do! It was so nice though. We went for a nice run together and he played me some guitar and then we went to Starbucks for more half priced frapps! Oh so good!

That's all for now! 

Hope you're all having an awesome week!! 

I'll leave you with some pins from pinterest :)

{winning and losing}

It's not even funny how happy I am that it is Monday. Well, actually if it was Tuesday night right now, I would be ecstatic, but it's not.

Tomorrow I will be driving eight hours to see Ben after two and a half months of being apart, but I feel like I haven't seen him in years.

I can't wait to see his face. 
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Moving on. I wanted to talk about something that has been nagging at me for the past couple of weeks.


The deal with competition.

I'm not really talking about competition at sports and whatnot, but more about general life stuff, and of course with Ed.

There have been some things that I've caught myself doing lately that have got me worried and I think it's time to face them.

I compare myself and search for ways to be better than others. 


I use restricting and exercise as those ways.

It feels terrible to say that out loud, as I come across as a complete bitch, but I need to put it out there because I have to work on this issue.

There has always been this competitive nature in me, in which I must be the best at everything and if I'm not, well then, I'm obviously a failure at life altogether. There is no middle ground.

In sixth grade, I competed for "fake" love from some boy and didn't win. I competed with the other girls to see who had the biggest butt, I lost apparently.

In seventh grade, I competed with my body and failed...the hospital won. I competed with hormones and lost as well.

In eighth grade, I lost in the battle of everyone liking me, and I also failed at ultimate Frisbee which was disappointing.

In ninth grade, I competed with every single other girl in the school on who was thinner, prettier, more likable. I lost in all categories, except the first one on most occasions.

In tenth grade, I competed with my brother for attention. I competed with my mom with artwork, and I competed with Marlin to see who could get to the top of the mountain first.

In eleventh grade, I lost the battle with myself again, this time losing the real me altogether. Not to the hospital, but to the demands of pressure from my "so-called" friends. I competed to be liked, and lost.

In twelfth grade, I competed with Ben while hiking. I lost. I competed with Ben while eating. I won. I competed with calories and won. I competed with tv models and lost.

In freshman year, I competed with the other girls on body size and felt good when I was smaller, but felt utterly gross when I wasn't. I competed with my teachers to see who was right. They usually won which was upsetting. I competed with myself again, winning this time, only to completely lose myself in the process, so I guess I lost.

It's either a win or a loss. Never a tie. It's black or white. Never gray. 

I hate it, and not sure why I do it, or why I can't stop.

I was competitive when Ed wasn't a part of me, I played to be the best at soccer and baseball, but somewhere along the lines, Ed stepped in and I took it to the extremes like most things I do. 

Unconsciously, I think, because I am quiet and not a lot of people notice me, I felt as though controlling something others couldn't, in this case, weight, was my strong suit. I could deny myself food and thus lose weight, and that, in my fucked up head, was success and power. I had some sort of evil power over everyone around me because Ed gave me this special talent of controlling my food intake.


Turns out it's not all that powerful, eh? Turns out Ed is the powerful, controlling one, and I'm just the little puppet on the strings.

So why not do something about it, knowing that I am just Ed's toy for fun? Why not stop all this bullshit and just be me again? 

Couldn't tell ya. I can't even answer that for myself. I'm just as confused as an outsider.

I'm finding myself now, comparing and competing with the people around me, mostly in terms of how much they eat compared to how much I eat, and how much they exercise and how much I exercise. Exhausting.

It's a never-ending cycle in which I can never win. Ed gives me the false allusion that I am winning, but in reality I am losing big time.

I am slowly losing my life, my dreams, myself. 

It's a crazy world, though, because some days I am totally fine. I am far from any competitive thoughts and I feel good about my progress and body and everything. And yet there are other days, where I am completely and utterly lost and hate everything about myself and life.

Some days I feel so incredibly positive about my future and about recovery; kicking Ed in the face. I feel amazing on these days. I wish I could have more of these. That'd be nice.

It's a constant battle right now and I'm not sure if I'm winning or losing and that is killing me. I want to win. But Ed wants to win more. 

How can I make myself better than Ed? How can I win the battle with him, instead of the others around me?

That is the question.

{Sorry for the rather depressing post...but it needed to happen. See you Wednesday for a lighter one.}

rainy days call for some friday lovin'

Happy Friday Loves!

This week has been a crazy roller coaster in terms of emotions so I thought I'd cheer myself up by writing about the things I am loving as of late! Woot woot. 

5 Songs I am LOVING Right Now:

1. Payphone by Maroon Five and Whiz Khalifa

2. Recover by Eli Young Band

3. Something To Do With My Hands by Thomas Rhett

4. Anywhere With You by Jake Owen (he's hot!)

5. Winner at a Losing Game by Rascal Flatts

5 Places I Want To Travel:

1. Syracuse to see my Baby!!!! Tuesday, I can't wait any longer, please come.

2. California (not to the city, but to see the coast and the mountains).

3. North Carolina.

4. Tennessee again...it wasn't so nice when we were there so it'd be cool to see the mountains for real this time. 

Tennessee rain.

5. Africa. It's always been a dream for some reason.

5 Things I Wish I Could Improve:

1. My relationship with myself. 

I love you.

2. My patience. It's self-explanatory.  

3. My facial expressions. I tend to look pissed no matter how I feel and then people usually think I'm mad at them....

4. Relax. It's something I need to LEARN how to do. It's really hard for me. 

5. Stop planning every little detail of every little thing. It's not worth it and it stresses me out. 

5 Things I Want To Do This Weekend:

1. Go kayaking with my friend!! 

2. Get half-price Starbucks frappuccinos!! And not freak out about it (Ed, you're not going to be a part of this!)

3. Finish my Mom's birthday present...I'm working on it haha.

4. Go for another run...I found the best place for trail running and it makes running more bearable...haha just kidding!

5. RELAX. 

5 Totally Bizarre Things You May Not Know About Me:

1. I use baby spoons. And occasionally I like to eat baby food.  

Yes, that is mushed mango I have there.

2. I come across as quite insensitive, but I'm just scared to show people how deep I can really be.

3. I hate swimming in ponds or lakes. Actually just make that, that I hate swimming altogether. One, I'm scared of crawly things touching me and two, I am scared to touching crawly things. Oh yeah, and I hate getting water in my nose. 

4. I have read every one of the Nicholas Sparks books...a little obsessed? Possibly. 

Dreamy...

5. My real name is Taylor but my Mom changed it when I was little to Tayla, but she never had it legally changed, so people are always confused when I go to the bank or when they look at my license. It says Taylor but I signed it Tayla. haha. 

Yippee!!! Have a great weekend loves!!