Monday, April 11, 2011

Sometimes it's just so hard to put words to how you are feeling. I feel sad, I know that, but why? When I feel sadness, I feel it deep down in my stomach. It's like my heart has sunk to the bottom of me and is now weighing me down. As much as I hate feeling this way, I think I like it. I can't seem to pull myself out of it even when I try. But then again maybe I'm just meant to be sad for that time period and just let it run it's course. I haven't figured it out yet.
I feel sad, I think, for a couple reasons. One, being that my mom has a new boyfriend, thus making me feel a bit forgotten. Whenever she's not working (which is rare) she's with him. It used to be just me and her. Always. But now I'm in the background.
I started feeling sad when I thought about college as well. I suddenly realized just how terrified I actually was about everything. I'm scared about the classes, the people, the distance between Ben and I, can we make it work? how much are we going to get to see each other? and so on. Also, I'm scared of all the feelings that I could feel at college and the fact that I'll have to face those feelings without having someone there to comfort me.
Then I started to think about how maybe I am fearful of the future. I always look to the future for hope, for change, for something better, but sometimes when I realize that the future isn't going to be any better than this moment, I get scared. I get scared that this is all my life is going to be. Scared that I'm always going to be me. I'm always going to be the person that I am. And then I realize that I've been running from myself for as long as I can remember. I look to the future and imagine some other person as me. Some, always happy, out-going, beautiful girl. But that's not me. I don't even know if I'm making sense. God. I think sometimes the reason why I do some of the things I do, is because I'm afraid of myself growing up. I liked who I was when I was young. I liked myself in third grade, fourth grade, sixth grade. I feared the future in sixth grade because I didn't know if I'd like who I would become, so I tried to stop myself from growing in order to stop myself from being someone I didn't want to be. I still do that now. As much as I can't wait for things to happen in the future, like get married, have kids and all that stuff, I am scared. I fear who I will be then, and so I continue to stop myself from getting there. I picture myself as I want to be then, but then I realize that I'm still not that person who I see and I get scared. I get scared that I'll never be that person that I see when I think about who I want to be. I get scared that I'll never be anything more than who I am now. And that is very scary.

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