It's amazing how horrible you can feel one day, and then suddenly feel like you're on top of the world the next.
I'm speaking in terms of body image here.
Last week pretty much sucked in all ways possible when it came to me liking my body in any shape or form. I can't even count the useless minutes I spent crying my eyes out.
My body felt completely disgusting and fat. All I wanted to do was curl up and sleep until I was thin again. But who am I kidding? I am still underweight for my height and yet, somehow I can still feel like complete shit and think I am a whale.
I cried myself to sleep one night after returning from the gym with stiff legs. I did a hardcore workout and yet I felt awful about how I looked and all I saw was blubbery legs and a bloated stomach.
I woke up feeling fine until I looked in the mirror. I cried until my eyes were bloodshot and red as hell. Then I headed to work feeling like crap.
All week my body felt like it was going to explode and yet I sit here writing this now and I feel completely fine and happy in my body. I just don't understand.
Some days Ed is so loud that I can't help but listen to him. His words cut deep and I take his criticism, but other days I am strong and can block him out to where I am only listening to my loving voice.
This is daily life for me. The constant back and forth between good and evil. Between should I eat or maybe not. I go back and forth on weather or not I want to just curl up in Ed's arms and love him forever or weather I would rather live the life I really dream of which includes Ben and children.
It shouldn't be a tough choice by any means but I've been with Ed for over seven years now and breaking up with him is taking a lot longer than I had planned. He's not an easy person to get rid of. He likes to stick around and make me feel like shit.
Last night I got my night snack and went to sit down and eat, when Ben came over to me and just hugged me for almost five minutes straight. He didn't say anything at first, and then he whispered in my ear how proud he was of me and how far I have come. He wanted me to know how strong I was and that I was doing such a great job.
I wouldn't have agreed last week but I sat there in his embrace and relished in my achievements. I am proud of myself. I have come a very far way and I can't give up now. I am so close to having Ed finally sign those divorce papers and be gone. Just a couple more steps up this mountain and I will be free I can feel it.
It doesn't mean, though, that I won't still have those memories of Ed and me together. They will haunt me forever, but I will have Ben's love to comfort me in those times of struggle and I will lean on him, not Ed.
I don't need Ed anymore. He has no use for me. I am stronger on my own and with Ben by my side.
So I continue to fight no matter how shitty I may feel.
Life is worth the fight.