Monday, March 21, 2011

Panic Does No Good

I woke up the other night crying. My mind was flooded with thoughts of college and decisions I didn't want to make. That day I had gotten an acceptance letter from Syracuse University. On one hand I was so excited that I had gotten in. I hadn't expected to get in and I was proud of myself for doing so, but on the other hand I was torn. I knew that Syracuse was so close to Ben and that Utica was not. I had already decided to attend Utica, but now I didn't know what to do. Ben wanted me to go to Syracuse because it was closer, but Utica had the program I wanted. When I woke up crying, I finally realized that it was okay to be scared. I was actually terrified. I didn't want to be far away from Ben. I would no longer have him to lean on and when I pictured in my mind what that looked like, I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my face. I saw myself as alone, like I always am, with no one to run to. I started to panic, and when I start to panic my mind goes to the worst possible things that could happen. I feared that this whole college thing would break us, Ben and I. It would tear us in two. I kept picturing how being closer would be so much better and would make us both happier, but would it really? I'd be happy to be able to see Ben daily, but would I be happy with the major I was in? I tried to think about something else and fall back asleep. I put off thinking or talking about it with Ben the next day, but it came back on Monday. I was out walking and all of a sudden the tears hit me again, and everything came back, just like the night before. I tried my best to tell myself that everything was going to be okay. I made myself believe it. I told myself that it would work out and that I would go to Utica and yes, I would be away from Ben but I would be okay. I know he'll always be there for me, if not in person, then in any other way he can. I told myself that if I can just try my best to focus on what I'm there for and what I want to achieve than I can make it. It's okay. I believe it will be okay.

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